Was spanking/smacking common in the 1990s? Struggling with PIL

[onlyonsunday]

Found out recently that FIL would spank/smack/hit DH, until DH was age 11/12. FIL only stopped when DH got big and strong.

These weren't awful 'hidings' and didn't result in injury or broken skin. DH had to lay across FIL's lap and he would hit his bum over his clothes so no bare skin.

DH is totally unfazed by this and says it didn't do any harm. I have never known anyone hit their children in any way and am horrified. This would have been between 1985-1995. Was it fairly normal then? Or was this unusual?

There are other things in DH's childhood that I find horrifying, so I know my feelings on the spanking will be influenced by the other stuff.

So looking for thoughts on how this would have been viewed at the time.

TLDR: was spanking deemed normal as recently as 1995?

Edited to say: this is in the UK

The question you are asking is whether child abuse was more socially acceptable. The answer is yes it was. The further you go back, the more common it was and the more acceptable to society.

It doesn’t make it not abuse though and today’s adults all have different means of coping with the abusive parts of their childhoods.

Abolished in state schools in the eighties. We still had it in my private school well into the nineties. I well remember some little creep yanking up a girl's skirt and groping her and getting caned - and every other kid in the place agreeing he had it coming. There were no more incidents of that type, ever. No creepy / sexualised comments to girls or anything at all. Today you hear teen girls saying that pervy shit from boys is constant and nobody does a thing about it.

I was smacked occasionally as a child, all my friends were. It continued until I was about 14 when my mum slapped my face and I slapped her back. Hard. She started shouting that I’d assaulted her and I calmly pointed out that, in that case, she’d been assaulting me for years.
She never did it again and I’d never hit a child myself.

I was born in 1970s and had siblings born in 80s. We were never smacked. I know it went on in some households but not ours. I had my first in 90s and it wouldn’t even have crossed my mind to smack him

My mum smacked me with a wooden spoon until they kept breaking. Then switched to a length of plastic pipe. You'll not be surprised to know we don't have a great relationship.

My mother did the silent treatment with me as well. I was never hit.

She has apologised subsequently, expressed remorse and i do forgive her as an adult. I did have to work through some feelings when I had my own children though because it did bring up some anger & sadness I thought I’d let go.

Im not sure if the silent treatment is better or worse than hitting in terms of harm done. I have no doubt that both are harmful. Part of the reason I forgave my mother is I know she thought at the time it was less harmful.

For those who were hit as children, did your parents ever acknowledge shame at what they did? If not, does it affect your relationship now?

Or is anyone here a parent who hit their child and is not prepared to admit they were wrong?

The smacking didn't really register with me as a child, nor does it as an adult tbh. I call it smacking as opposed to hitting as that’s what I think it was in my case. I associate hitting with punching. But I was smacked, open handed, on the bottom, over clothes. It didn’t really hurt, more of a shock and was a warning that I had done something very naughty. It was only when I was young.

The silent treatment on the other hand felt as though it was designed to hurt and cause maximum distress. It lasted days and days. And went right through my entire childhood through to when I went to university.

ETA.. no acknowledgement from parents. Both my parents think they were wonderful parents. They were far from it.

I absolutely agree that screaming, silent treatment etc is harmful as well. But we don't seem to get hordes of people insisting that it's actually brilliant and exactly what kids today need and never did them any harm and they deserved it and how else could parents show them right from wrong and and and and.

In my mother’s case, I don't think the silent treatment was intended to cause distress. I think she was emotionally immature and it was a way of escaping internally when she was overwhelmed. She had been hit as a child and knew that had damaged her and wanted to do better - but didn't get it right.

She knew at the time it was poor parenting and felt shame about it. It doesnt make it ok, of course, but it does make our relationship easier as adults.

I saw some friends being hit in the 80’s and found it hugely shocking. It was always out of total anger and the parents completely lost emotional control. I remember thinking if they (the parents) behaved that way in front of me (no doubt knowing I’d go straight home and tell my own parents) they must be totally out-of-control. My impression is a lot of parents in the 80’s didnt realise that they needed to learn to emotionally regulate before becoming parents. I do wonder what their relationship with their children is like now

No I don't, I don't smack my children, don't put words in my . I'm talking about my experience at the time as a child.

80s kid.
My dad hit me for a variety of misdemeanours.
It stopped after I slapped his face when he was about to hit me.
Mum gave me a clip round the ear once and was mortified that it hurt and my ear went red. It happened all the time in books so she'd expected it to be relatively pain free!

My son was smacked once and I realized I needed a better way to parent and he was not going to have the upbringing that I had.

Smacking children was very common in the 1970s and 1980s. I remember a book from the 1980s "Children are people too" which argued strongly against smacking, noting that as a parenting method, it had become deeply entrenched: many parents considered it not only a right, but their duty to smack their children; not doing so was considered to be bordering on neglect. The book also noted that English has developed a remarkable vocabulary to cover hitting children: smacking, slapping, spanking, cuffing, clouting, "six of the best", and about a dozen more synonyms.

Although my parents were loving and caring in many ways, I was smacked occasionally in the 1980s, and the times I remember most strongly were when it was for something which I didn't know was wrong; the smack came after the careful explanation of why I shouldn't have bumped into somebody in the street: also, which I think was far more damaging, there were times when I tried to stand my ground, and I was smacked to instantly end the argument. I think this gave me issues as a young adult: I was afraid of confrontation, and arguing my corner. I also used to want to run and hide if I saw children being smacked in public: that happened all the time in the 1980s and even 90s, but is very rarely seen now.

I'm 34, and I was smacked as a kid. Not all the time, only if we were really, really naughty. I can probably count on one hand the amount of times I was smacked. It was fairly normal in the 90's as I remember seeing friends, and cousins, being smacked while I was at their houses.

I was smacked once, mum cried more than I did I think. I didn't know anyone that was smacked on a regular basis.
DH was smacked a lot, pants down, belts and sticks, he'd have his bed taken away so frequently he got used to sleeping on the floor anyway. His dad nailed his hand to a table once. It stopped when DH caught back and ever since his parents have acted like he's some dangerous monster because he injured a man that was beating the shit out a child.

It doesn't matter how normal it was. It was wrong, racism has always been wrong, slavery has always been wrong, rape has always been wrong, child marriage has always been wrong. Do they acknowledge it now or do they pretend it never happened or stand by it.

PILs still think they were in the right and think we're soft. They are never left unsupervised with my children.

I'd say it was pretty common.

My parents smacked me on the hand a handful of times when I'd been really naughty. They were calm when they did it and had given me the chance to apologise first, which I didn't. It didn't actually hurt but was more symbolic that I'd done something really bad, and the shame meant I didn't do it again. So I suppose it worked.

I certainly don't view it as abuse. I never think about it and feel completely fine about it. Definitely not the same as beating someone in a rage imo.

I don't smack my own child, but they are generally very good and have never behaved in a way that it crosses my mind.

I did wish I could smack the horrible 4 year old I had the misfortune to meet in the park the other day, who told me to F* off when I wouldn't let her queue jump ahead of the three other patiently waiting kids.

It wasn’t normal and I feel sorry for anyone who was smacked and think it was normal.

The question is was it common? And I think the answer is that it was very common back then. Of course it isn’t common now. I’m not sure how the argument about whether or not it is right or wrong is either answering the question posed or helping the OP with her specific family dynamic.

ETA sorry, that wasn’t so much aimed at you personally. The whole thread just seems to have been derailed by arguments over whether people smack their kids now or what harm it did or didn’t do, none of which is what the OP was asking about.

you mean you stay in contact with someone who nailed a child's hand to a table?

Surely that choice is her DP's to make.

We were smacked occasionally, but as a very last resort, just once over clothes

It was very common where/when I was growing up in the early 90s, I'd say all of my friends and cousins were smacked too

What really shocked me though was a friend or their sibling being smacked when I was playing at their house, as my parents would not have smacked me in front of my friends. Also seeing kids smacked out and about, my parents wouldn't have smacked me in front of other people

I think the UK term of smacking was more commonly over clothes, standing etc. The American term of spanking seems that they did the over the knee on bare behind more of a ritual sort of thing (obviously some on each side would experience the opposite, but generally speaking)

I was gobsmacked to learn a few years ago that kids can be, and are, still paddled in schools in some states of America! I couldnt believe how behind they are with that!

I can't imagine any parents in the UK agreeing to let their child be paddled by a teacher in this day and age, even if they choose to smack them at home

I was a child of the 1950s and was never smacked. Nor was my brother. Or husband. My daughters and nephews were born late 80s/early90s. None was smacked.

Not caned at school in the UK in the 1990s.

Well obviously not because corporal punishment at school became illegal during the 80s as already mentioned.

Except in private schools, as already mentioned.

Indeed.