Was spanking/smacking common in the 1990s? Struggling with PIL

[onlyonsunday]

Found out recently that FIL would spank/smack/hit DH, until DH was age 11/12. FIL only stopped when DH got big and strong.

These weren't awful 'hidings' and didn't result in injury or broken skin. DH had to lay across FIL's lap and he would hit his bum over his clothes so no bare skin.

DH is totally unfazed by this and says it didn't do any harm. I have never known anyone hit their children in any way and am horrified. This would have been between 1985-1995. Was it fairly normal then? Or was this unusual?

There are other things in DH's childhood that I find horrifying, so I know my feelings on the spanking will be influenced by the other stuff.

So looking for thoughts on how this would have been viewed at the time.

TLDR: was spanking deemed normal as recently as 1995?

Edited to say: this is in the UK

I'm working class. I had a dream about smacking DS a few weeks ago, and I felt awful about it in my dream! So I know I'm not likely to do it in real life, although I do get cross with him sometimes even though I know he's a toddler and doesn't understand that he's doing something I see as naughty. 🤦🏻‍♀️

I was hit a few times as a child/teenager. I hated it.

I used to work with someone who was quite open about the fact he would hit his tiny daughter, and would also shout at her until she cried. Horrible man. He was also vile to his mum and now ex-partner, as I later found out.

Very normal in the 70s and 80s, became less so in the 90s. Wrong whatever decade. I was smacked and it DID do me harm.

Having a fire guard.

Having a fire guard.
Not my house.
It was my nans friend, id never been there before.

I remember when l was in infants school, so about 5 or 6 (I'm 67 now so this was in the early 1960s) we had an evil bitch of a teacher.
Every day when we came back after lunch we had to put our hands flat on the desk. She'd walk round inspecting our hands and if she considered them dirty, or you bit your nails, she'd hit you on the backs of your hands with the edge of a long ruler. I bit my nails back then, so l got hit every day.
Also she'd walk round the classroom when were were working, and if you made a mistake or spelled something wrong, she'd punch you in the back. And not gently, either. She should never have been allowed near children, especially little ones.
When l was a teenager in the 70s (I went to a grammar school) being hit with a leather strap' on your hands wasn't that unusual either. And not just for boys.
I know that was 'the norm' back then, but that doesn't make it right.

My dad never hit me, but my mother did. I remember going to school with a hand shaped bruise on my arm, and not a word was said.

❤️

I was a young kid in 90s. We were smacked now and again by Mum if we really had done something bad, but not routinely. Not traumatised by it at all. Have a really great relationship with my parents now and always have done - we're a close family and I really respect them.

I just don’t get why you “tapped “ him for lifting a coal on a fire which now appears to have been unlit.

Based on this rationale, where do you stand on smacking adults with intellectual disabilities?

Is that OK?

If not, why not?

I just don’t get why you “tapped “ him for lifting a coal on a fire which now appears to have been unlit.
From what i recall from this 30 year incident, I saw him climb on to hearth and attempt to grab the coal. Call it heat of the moment , an over reaction, panic, pregnant brain, precious first born reaction I dont know. I just had a fright when I saw him attempt to grab an ornamental piece of coal especial as he had never done it a mums house.
I'd been talking to nan and her friend and it just happened quick.

Bloody hell. Yeah, beating up a three year old is awful. If someone did that to DS I'd be calling the police. (And want to do the same to them!)

I said something about this to my mum a while ago. Surely hitting kids for being naughty just teaches them that lashing out in a temper is normal?

Let's leave aside all the bluster and blabber that is totally irrelevant.

There was a hazard in the room.

You should have kept your child away from the hazard and stayed alert to prevent them getting close to it. You failed to do this, and you got distracted. As a result, your child reached the hazard so you hit your child.

What you should take from this is a lesson for you in hazard management for young children. What you actually take from this is that there was nothing you could do except hit your child after you failed to protect them.

You made a parenting fail, as we all do, but the lesson is not that you were helpless and had no options. The lesson is, hitting kids is wrong and you failed to prevent the hazard.

Ok 👍

Got to admit, when mine were small and at school, there were children in their classes that hit other children all the time and I thought it was learned behaviour and felt sorry for them.

I was born in the early 90s and my siblings and I were hit fairly regularly as a punishment. She would pull down our trousers and hit us hard enough to leave a red mark. I don’t remember my dad ever doing it but he definitely knew my mum did. I still remember the shame & pain of it and now I have my own children I find it even more shocking

It's well established that kids with behavioural problems like that - kids who hit - are more likely to be getting hit at home. Shouldn't surprise anyone.

I think people who didn’t experience it or grow up around it can struggle to understand how normalised it was. Thats why a lot of people don’t see anything wrong with it because they were conditioned to believe it was normal.

i certainly never understood it was wrong growing up, I just accepted it. Its probably in the last 20/30 years i really thought about it and the concept of hitting defenceless tiny people a third of your size because you can’t control your emotions seems mental

I was born in 1983 and never smacked

I would say it was common. Everyone I know got the odd smack.

I was smacked occasionally as a child - mid 1970s
my DD was born in 1995 and i definitely smacked her a couple of times, my DS was born in 1999 and it smacked him at least once.
with my DD I thought it was an acceptable way to parent - never did it hard or on bare skin.
with my DS I was so frustrated and lost control. It’s really awful.
Ive apologized to both of them, neither of them remember or care but I feel terrible.

Oh, I don’t mind or care about being smacked myself, it doesn’t bother me now at all.

It was fairly common amongst my friendship group. Never hard enough to actually hurt more of a shock.

Born in 84 (though my parents were born in 39 & 44) and I was belted. Stripped naked and belted for several minutes. I’ll never forget the sheer fear, hearing my dad running up the stairs taking his belt off. He also tried to drown me twice and strangle me a few times when I was 4, whilst telling my mum he was going to kill me. Wish he had done tbh as it’s fucked me up in the head.

I do not lay a finger on my child.

Maybe explaining with words that you’re not to touch this. Grab him away from it no need to hit, but clearly you’re not going to understand. Sadly.