Was spanking/smacking common in the 1990s? Struggling with PIL

[onlyonsunday]

Found out recently that FIL would spank/smack/hit DH, until DH was age 11/12. FIL only stopped when DH got big and strong.

These weren't awful 'hidings' and didn't result in injury or broken skin. DH had to lay across FIL's lap and he would hit his bum over his clothes so no bare skin.

DH is totally unfazed by this and says it didn't do any harm. I have never known anyone hit their children in any way and am horrified. This would have been between 1985-1995. Was it fairly normal then? Or was this unusual?

There are other things in DH's childhood that I find horrifying, so I know my feelings on the spanking will be influenced by the other stuff.

So looking for thoughts on how this would have been viewed at the time.

TLDR: was spanking deemed normal as recently as 1995?

Edited to say: this is in the UK

This. I was speaking to my therapist about my father hitting me and she said I was downplaying it and making excuses for him when it was outrageous and completely unacceptable behaviour from him. She was older than me too which is probably relevant

I wonder whether it felt worse for me because my Mum knew it was wrong and could talk at length about how wrong it was in front of others, but then behind closed doors she did it often and usually for very little reason except to assert her dominance and maintain complete control over her image. And of course, it went without saying that if we'd have blown her cover and told anyone it would have resulted in a volcanic eruption. Even minor things we told others- like, "My Mum was annoyed about that," or "She doesn't let me watch that programme," which she overheard (and she liked to listen at doors) would bring epic tantrums and accusations of disloyalty.

As a grandmother, she's completely different. Spoils DD rotten and is, if anything, far too permissive with her. I did tell DD that she's very different as a Grandma than she was as a Mum and DD snitched on me so I got the usual lecture about how I have a wild imagination and she was always exactly the same whilst my Dad avoids eye contact and pretends he has to go and water the plants.

Nutshell.

Agree.

Yes, it was normal in my experience. We were smacked in the 80s though probably not up to 12 years old. Then in the 90s, I'd see it when out and about.

I grew up in the 80s/90s and was smacked occasionally, like your DH, over lap, on bum, sometimes bare bum, by my mum. It was fairly normal, although I don’t think all parents did it like they did in the 60s. I definitely think it did me harm though, it’s abuse, pure and simple. I still feel resentful towards my mum about it to this day, especially the unjustified ones and especially when I was very young. I clearly remember an indicent when I was 4 years old being violently smacked for something very minor. It still fills me with rage to this day tbh, especially cos I have a similar age child and I could never bring myself to hit her like that, no matter how angry I got. My parents wouldn’t dream of smacking their grandkids now though. They know times have moved on, their excuse for doing it at the time was “it was all we knew” which I personally think is utter bullshit

This is utterly disgusting, I’m so sorry you had to experience all of that

Yes normal in 90s

When we had our first son, we took him to the park one day when he was about one. He did something, can’t remember what now, and my husband slapped his leg. It left a red mark. I was furious and showed him the red mark and he was appalled at himself. Didn’t ever happen again.

In mitigation, that was the way he’d been brought up.

A few years later my MIL hit (smacked by her way of it), the same child and I told her if she ever did it again she would be never be left alone with him.

She fell out with me, but not for long.

I think her generation thought that “smacking” a child was ok and couldn’t see that if they “smacked” an adult they could get arrested.

In fairness, she is of the generation where men could “smack” (and worse) their wives and it was labelled a “domestic”.

Thankfully, we’re past that now and hopefully will never go there again.

Wow I would never have known that, the late 90s seems so recent, I’m shocked it was still going on then!

Born 1984. Me and my siblings were smacked. I only remember two occasions but I know there were more. My mum still talks about it positively e.g. “You only had a tantrum in a shop because you wanted sweets once. I smacked you for carrying on and you never did it again.”

I don’t know how I feel about it really. I do remember being scared of my parents in a way that my daughter definitely isn’t and smacking was probably part of it. I have also always repressed my emotions!! But we had great relationship as I got older and they were actually quite fair and lenient parents as we got older.

Adding as well after reading other people’s comments - as well as hitting us (I hate the term smacking because I just think it diminishes what it actually is), my mum would often give us the silent treatment - I don’t see her any more but when my oldest was a toddler I remember her telling me that if she was ‘naughty’ I should completely withdraw my love from her and ignore her. I’ve had a lot of therapy to work through my childhood and although the hitting was pretty bad the emotional abuse was by far the worst and what carried on into adulthood

I was going to say similar. My father would completely lose control and hit us round the head but I think the emotional abuse by my mother has had more lasting impact on my life and is responsible for my lifetime of mental illness.

100% agree. The silent treatment I received from each of my parents did far more damage than any smack I received.

My dad could last a week or more.

I’m so sorry you’ve been through this too. Sending love and understanding 💐

I was never smacked in that era but that was seen as odd as most of my friends were

Actually DD was born in 2007 (never been hit) and I do recall taking her to a toddler group and seeing some lady grab her toddler by the arm and repeatedly wallop him on the bum whilst literally shouting as she did it ‘it’s naughty to hit! We do not hit!’ Child seemed more bemused than hurt I guess he could not feel much through his nappy but I vividly recall how ridiculous it seemed. To my shame I did not say anything (FTM and DD was much younger and I thought she would get aggressive to me if I said anything). No one else said anything either.
I think the general sense by then was that it was disapproved of but not illegal and her choice. No one in my friendship circle hit their kids but you knew that some people still did and thought it was OK even in 2000s at least for very young kids.

I was born after that time and spanking was very common in my childhood. I don’t know if it was common for others.

I was born in the 60s and smacked as a child . My children were born in 90s. I didn’t smack them , ever. I don’t think it was normal to smack your children then - none of my friends thought it was ok - My parents thought I was odd and didn’t see anything wrong with it . I had to have very strong words with them forbidding them to smack their GC .

Definitely got a clip around the ear quite a bit as a kid (born 95) and did get slapped on the bum/back of the legs as a young child, though only a few times that I can remember.

It was common among my friends to have been smacked when we were little, but not really from 8(?) onwards. I went to a fairly diverse secondary school, however, and pretty much all of the non-white kids spoke about getting hit (quite often belted, rather than just slapped) at home when we were teenagers. The only white friend I can think of who got slapped as a teenager had a generally very dysfunctional home life.

My younger cousin (14) mentioned recently that they'd talked about corporal punishment in class and that a lot of the black and Asian kids were joking about "getting beat" at home. I would hazard that slapping and other forms of corporal punishment are WAY more common today than they are portrayed on MN, it's just very culturally dependent.

I was smacked as a child in the 80s and very early 90s. I honestly don’t think it did me any harm. It wasn’t regularly, just if I went ‘too far.’ I do remember walking home from school and I must have been arguing with my mum or complaining or something and her saying ‘do you want me to pull your knickers down and smack your bottom?’ And the thought of that, in public, mortified me. But she didn’t do it. The last time I remember being smacked was when we were out with family friends and I was being obnoxious, loud and showing off. When the others weren’t looking my mum gave me a swift smack to the back of my legs and a very stern look. She didn’t say anything about it. I knew I’d been annoying her and probably everyone and I immediately stopped acting like that. I was probably 8 or 9 at the time.

I do know someone whose little boy used to regularly kick her on purpose. She told him not to over and over again, it made no difference. His dad once put him on his shoulders and the boy kicked him in the face on purpose. The dad smacked him and the boy never did it again. So personally in situations like that I can see the benefits.

Yes we got smacked in that period.
Only by one parent and it has definitely affected our relationship.

That’s just getting compliance by fear and violence. Great you think it didn’t harm you, but there are other ways that don’t involve hitting a person

Yes I was smacked during that time period

has it effected my relationship with my parents …no

do I have a healthy respect for cause and effect and consequences… yes

i find it ironic that it’s my parents generation that complain about the behaviour of young kids today and say they have no discipline but it wasn’t my generation that banned smacking

If you meant to respond to me, I don't understand the relevance of your comment to my post. I have not condoned smacking or claimed that it doesn't do any harm.