Was spanking/smacking common in the 1990s? Struggling with PIL

[onlyonsunday]

Found out recently that FIL would spank/smack/hit DH, until DH was age 11/12. FIL only stopped when DH got big and strong.

These weren't awful 'hidings' and didn't result in injury or broken skin. DH had to lay across FIL's lap and he would hit his bum over his clothes so no bare skin.

DH is totally unfazed by this and says it didn't do any harm. I have never known anyone hit their children in any way and am horrified. This would have been between 1985-1995. Was it fairly normal then? Or was this unusual?

There are other things in DH's childhood that I find horrifying, so I know my feelings on the spanking will be influenced by the other stuff.

So looking for thoughts on how this would have been viewed at the time.

TLDR: was spanking deemed normal as recently as 1995?

Edited to say: this is in the UK

I was smacked in the 1990s. My parents were not good at parenting and honestly had no other ways to discipline. I hated it and would hide. I have less respect for them as an adult now because of it (and my mother denies it happened even though my sister corroborates specific times and places it happened).

Yeah like a slap across the head just above the ear. Awful it was

I was smacked in the 90s and it was more when my parents lost control emotionally

Why did you have your child near an open fire to begin with?
Jesus wept,
OK I was at my nans friend's house with nan and ds1 and heavily pregnant with ds2. If you want all the details it must have been towards the end of September as ds2 was born middle of October and it ws the last time I left home apart from work before the birth. The living room was a tiny terraced house and I was given the arm chair near the fire to be comfortable. Ds1 was toddling between nan, on the settee and me in the chair. I was give a glass of cordial when ds suddenly decided to about turn climb on the heath and try to grab the ornamental coal. Kids can be whippet quick.
This is a much as my brain can remember from about 30 years ago.

If you have any more questions please keep them to your self because I seriously cant work out if you and the other poster keep coming at are a sock puppet or someone that cant understand a tap from hit ( but there's a million ways of dealing with it apparently) or just being goady or bored but to be honest, its getting boring now.

70s and early 80s = extremely harsh punishment, pain and humiliation. Children aged 3-14/16. This wasn't 'smacking'. It wasn't uncommon for teachers to break bones and my own mother broke my cheekbone. Response at school to my huge shiner was 'What did you do?'

Late 80s and early 90s = single smack on the bottom or back of hand and time out for children between the age of about 5-10. By secondary everyone was meant to be using their words.

I was brought up with the former and did the latter. I'm not proud. I didn't know it was wrong as it was an attempt to be better and there was very little conversation (e.g. no accessible internet) around this.

You did what you thought was right with the information you had and did your best to break an abusive cycle. You can also accept that with hindsight it wasn't a good choice and would do better now. That's much, much better than many of the posters here.

I'd say not common.

I didn't smack & neither did friends.

Actually putting a kid across your knee?

I was born in the 60s & wasn't smacked.

My dad who was born in the 30s was & he vowed that no kid of his would be.

No mate, if I have any more questions I'll bloody well ask them. Perhaps if you didn't use hitting as a communication method you wouldn't be so offended about being questioned... and asking why your child was so near an open fire that you almost couldn't stop him getting burned is a very, very fair question indeed.

And as I thought, your answer is terrible. You should not have had a child that close to a open fire, not even to be "comfortable". You shouldn't have had an open fire at all - why was there no fireguard? And if you insisted on sitting right by an unguarded open fire with your child, you should not have been having a fucking drink so that you couldn't maintain what little protection was still possible for your toddler!

This was 100% a failing of you. You didn't need to hit your child. You should have practised fire safety and not had a fire in the room with a tiny child at all, but if you absolutely had to (because next you're going to tell us it was 1932 and everyone had hypothermia or something) then you use a fireguard, sit a safe distance away and don't get distracted by a sodding drink!

And even now you're incapable of reflecting
on how you could have done better. You just want to use it to justify hitting.

This isn't a case for smacking. It's evidence that hitters very often fail to safeguard their children and then hit in order to compensate for the danger they created. And since hitting is designed to shut down thought and reason, they don't reflect and demand people don't question them!

I read a brilliant post on MN a few years ago when a woman described how her grandmother cured very swiftly her younger brother of kicking her shins very painfully and deliberately - a 10-year old had blue shins from a 3-year old and her liberal parents were like 'awww, he will grow out of it'. Basically, the non-pc gran, when she saw what the miscreant was doing, beat him, a 3-year old and explained what she was beating him for, that he was instantly cured of kicking people's shins to bruises.

I really hope the PP who posted this and thought it was "brilliant" doesn't have children.

It's not "non-pc" for an adult to beat up a 3 year old, it's fucking abhorrent and I'm horrified that anyone would think otherwise. If any of my child's grandparents did this - although it's unthinkable that they would - it would be the last they would see of me or their grandchild.

No mate, if I have any more questions I'll bloody well ask them
Well maybe before asking try reading and understanding first.
Did you not read the fire wasnt on.
I did not want him climbing and putting his hand in a fire on or off.

My parents didn’t, but sometimes you saw your friends being truly walloped. I felt sorry for them.

Have you not realised yet, nothing is his fault and anyone who questions him is just too stupid to see that hitting a 3 yo was his only choice in order to protect him from the cold fire that wasn't switched on. If he hadn't stepped in and hit his child, goodness knows what might have happened.

Now that's highly convenient, because earlier you said: "You say i had a million choices. Name me 20 I had to stop a Jon putting his hand in the open fire at that very moment."

So now you're being questioned about your lack of fire safety, despite ordering people not to, suddenly the fire was off! Even though you had to tell us it was October and you were placed there for your comfort!

If the fire was off, that was no reason to hit your child, any more than you hit a child just because you're walking by the road to teach them road safety. You can use the time to explain that this is where the fire sometimes goes and it's very hot and you must always stay away.

The same reasoning remains; if you don't want your kid touching something, don't sit right next to it and have a drink so you can't maintain control!

Holes all over the story and ultimately nothing actually changed. You positioned yourself poorly and you allowed yourself to become distracted. This was a failing of YOU.

Born 1973 and my mum and dad never raised a hand to me. Ds, 21 is polite, kind and very well adjusted and we never laid a hand on him either. Smacking /hitting children doesn't raise happy, calm adults.

I was smacked in the 80s/90s by my step-dad, hand to bare skin. It marked the skin and left lasting psychological damage. I don't think it was unheard of amongst my friends but it also wasn't the norm.

It was common but today’s eyes see it as abuse, it’s Illegal in most developed countries round the world now,but not England. And it should be Illegal. If the only way you can discipline your child is to square up to them you should be in jail.

There was some woman on one of these threads a while ago who had to hit her toddlers because they were going to stick their fingers in sockets. I asked why they were so close to sockets. She asked me what I would do. I said I wouldn't let them get so close to sockets, and use those safety plugs and covers for any that they might reach in case I was stupid and distracted enough not to see them move several feet towards them. She accused me of being a terrible helicopter parent and the best thing to do was definitely to let them get close, nearly stick their fingers in sockets and then hit them for it. I was the bad parent.

Fuck's sake.

Makes you wonder how on earth nurseries keep all those toddlers safe at once and never hit them. Or get their attention to tell them anything.

It’s dismaying even on this thread there are posters wanting children assaulted. It’s utterly sick.

Yep. Born in the 1980s. My dad would smack my bum over my clothes for big misdemeanours. It was normal and I have a great relationship with my parents.

I had a few smacks off my dad in the 90’s. Not hard enough to leave a lasting mark but hard enough to hurt and make me not do it again!

I’d say it was common then.

Born around the same time. The over the knee hiding was never a thing I heard of or experienced. Smacking would have been a last resort single smack on leg or hand. Usually reserved for putting an end to hysterical tantrums.

OK Sherlock .
This is getting to be a right little soap opera!

The fire was open because there was no guard on it. That's an open fire.
I didn't say it was lit. It is still dangerous to be crawling onto a harth, not sure how to spell that, and grab the coal i didn't know when it was last on.

I was placed in a big arm chair because I was heavily pregnant with Mark for my comfort and nan and friend were fussing over me. I said it was probably the end of September not October.

There wasn't really any where else to sit in a tiny northern terraced front room with a settee and an arm chair.

I'd never been in the house before as it was my nans friend and I didn't know the laybout.
I certainly didn't anticipate him doing that because he had never done it at my mums who had a similar fire ( the pretend coal gas fires that were popular in the 90s.)

🙄

Have you not realised yet, nothing is his fault and anyone who questions him is just too stupid to see that hitting a 3 yo was his only choice in order to protect him from the cold fire that wasn't switched on. If he hadn't stepped in and hit his child, goodness knows what might have happened.
What the fuck are you talking about!!

God!!!!!! I was always getting my arse smacked. Mam, grandma, aunty…….. I have grown up,I think, pretty normal, hubby might disagree 🤣 and not been in trouble. Good job, happy marriage, lovely kids. I was born in 1967 so it was well accepted then at homes and in school. People were still smacking their kids way up to and past the 90’s.