Was spanking/smacking common in the 1990s? Struggling with PIL

[onlyonsunday]

Found out recently that FIL would spank/smack/hit DH, until DH was age 11/12. FIL only stopped when DH got big and strong.

These weren't awful 'hidings' and didn't result in injury or broken skin. DH had to lay across FIL's lap and he would hit his bum over his clothes so no bare skin.

DH is totally unfazed by this and says it didn't do any harm. I have never known anyone hit their children in any way and am horrified. This would have been between 1985-1995. Was it fairly normal then? Or was this unusual?

There are other things in DH's childhood that I find horrifying, so I know my feelings on the spanking will be influenced by the other stuff.

So looking for thoughts on how this would have been viewed at the time.

TLDR: was spanking deemed normal as recently as 1995?

Edited to say: this is in the UK

We were smacked or hit most days as kids, my parents had too many children & could not cope, smacking did bring some kind of order into our chaotic house, parent's were poorly educated too. I don't agree with it & have never smacked my son.

Why is it always hitters who have children who run into the road or climb into open fires? Does hitting also render a person incapable of setting up safeguards, teaching safety? Why are they always the ones with open fires near small children?

My brother and I are 80s kids and we were often smacked with my dad's slippers. Asked partner of same age and he was too.

We were smacked, sent to bed for crying then told if we dont stop with the noise we would be given something to cry for.

Sometimes we had to choose being smacked over no tea or lie on the bed all day(no TV in the room back then) so it was literally lie still.

Until reading these posts ive always presumed that happened in everyones homes when you were a kid, friends had same experience as I saw it happen. It wasn't a behind closed door thing where I lived.

I also had a headteacher with a slipper she used to hit children with! She was sacked when I was in year 1.

I was also smacked at home on occasion, either on the bum (over clothes) or slapped on the back of the legs.

Agree that it wasn’t behind closed doors. I remember my friends mum chasing them with her slipper if they were cheeky to her when I was there. My dad didn’t hit me round the head when anyone apart from family were there though.

I was a 90s kid and smacking happened. I don't begrudge it - I think it was used sparingly and served a purpose. I only got a smack if I'd been ignoring repeated requests or warnings to behave. It was never a ritualistic sit down and spank type of thing - it was me mouthing off in the kitchen and getting a wooden spoon across the arse from whoever was cooking. I have no issue with it and don't have any issue with my parents having used smacking to punish me. I was being an arsehole whenever I got it. Sometimes I just needed a smack.

My DH, on the other hand, has more negative views because his only thumps came from his mum and she would actually slap him across the face. That is much more painful. He still loves his family but doesn't believe it was an appropriate form of discipline.

It was normal in abusive homes. It’s rather telling that it stopped when your husband became strong enough to stand up to him. What a weak pathetic man your FIL is.

There is something humiliating with being put over someones lap and spanked. I wouldn’t trust your FIL.

I didn’t get spanked. Instead I was belted with a thick leather belt with the metal buckle side - not the leather side. It broke the skin.

It stopped after I made threats.

I was in primary school during the time you specified and also witnessed my teacher hitting a child with one of those massive rulers. He absolutely deserved it.

I knew of other kids who faced corporal punishment. My current partner was also assaulted as a child and as an adult he has significant issues because of it. You can’t go through childhood being assaulted by a main caregiver and it not impact you.

Why is it always hitters who have children who run into the road or climb into open fires? Does hitting also render a person incapable of setting up safeguards, teaching safety? Why are they always the ones with open fires near small children?

I have no idea what the answer to your question is because mine never ran into a road and the fire incident was at my nans friends house who probably never had children there in since the 1970s.

Fortunately I had a fireguard, safety gate and took other safety precautions around the children.
Clearly the post is directed at me as you mention the open fire and assumed it was mine, well maybe get your facts straight first.

90s kid and was smacked twice, once when I nearly ran out in front of a car (sharp slap to the thigh and 'don't ever do that again you could have died') and after a fight with my brother where we were literally strangling each other (again we were both smacked once on the thigh and 'you could have killed each other').

It obviously shocked me as I remember the occasions vividly. I wouldn't smack my child but I don't feel scarred from these experiences. I get the theory that the shock should help the lesson sink in. I think that's outdated but in the same way that 'crying it out' is outdated advise for babies. I don't feel hard done by it though.

Obviously some poor kids were hit all the time, which feels quite different.

I was a child in a very similar era and was smacked. As were the vast majority of my friends and cousins.

I'm a primary school teacher, and while it must be getting on for 10 years ago now, I remember reading a story to my class of Year One children in which one of the children in the story gets a smack. That led on to a general conversation, and of 16 kids in the class, only one didn't know what we were talking about when saying "a smack on the bum". This was a little village school in an upper-middle class area. Lots of knowing nods and "I got a smack for X" stories.

I also do a bit of private tutoring. One of my students is a Year 4 girl. She got into an argument with her older brother while I was there. Their non-English-speaking grandma settled it by giving them both a single smack on the bum. Not hard, but clearly not something usual in their house.

I think it's a lot more common than the average MN commenter would think.

If someone close to me grabbed my hand and "tapped" it to get my attention it would be absolutely unacceptable. And they absolutely wouldn't. They'd try:

-"Hey, ImImmortal!"
-Taking my hand gently
-Touching me (not tapping!) on the shoulder
-Putting their body in between me and the dangerous thing
-Waving a hand in front of my face
-Grabbing me and pulling me back if I was really in danger

I was very occasionally smacked across the back of the legs (1980s/early 1990s) when I had behaved really badly. It didn’t harm me, I’m not traumatised and I love my parents. They were, and are, loving, supportive and affectionate. I didn’t want for anything.

banned in private schools in 1998. and this is another one of "those" posts. Its not an either or situation, there are other options apart from doing nothing or beating a 3 year old. Honestly either you live under a bridge or ....well I REALLY hope you live under a bridge

Hitting. Not smacking. You believe in assaulting children. Own it.

It was normalised where I’m from throughout the 80’s/ 90’s. Working class area. It was very damaging for me, and I have a strained relationship with my parents now. However their parents when they were raised in the 50’s and 60’s, were far more brutal. I had my own children in the late 2000’s, and would never do that.

Yes, and frequently threatened to be "turned black and blue" and warned that I "wouldn't be able to sit down for a week" which sounds awful when I think about it now. I can't imagine threatening DC with a violent beating but it seemed normal at the time.

Hey, ImImmortal!"
-Taking my hand gently
-Touching me (not tapping!) on the shoulder
-Putting their body in between me and the dangerous thing
-Waving a hand in front of my face
-Grabbing me and pulling me back if I was really in danger

Keep going!! You've got plenty more ideas apparently.
Explain how I going to put my body between him and a fire
How am I going to wave in front of him face when he going to grab a piece of coal. How is shouting his name going to work when he is fixated as toddlers are on reaching something quickly.
Grabbing and pulling back from danger!! Oh physically pulling them!

Look you weren't there, Jono was not an abused child because I tapped an index finger and middle finger on his hand once.

But keep coming at me if you want but you are getting really boring going at me for something I cant change in a scenario that will never happen again, and no one else remembers except me as ds was wagging his finger and saying no for ages afterwards.

I was born in 1955, only remember being smacked once, by my mum when I was being a horrible teenager. I was, however, hit regularly at primary school with a ruler on the back of my hand for not knowing my tables - great way to encourage learning eh? I was so terrified of being hit that I couldn’t even do 2 x 2.
My kids were born 1983 - 9. I remember smacking the eldest, aged about 5 when he ran into the road. I was mortified and never smacked any of them again.

Oh, and the old "I'll give you a thick lip and then you'll have something the pout about"

I was never smacked, and only remember being shouted at once before I became an argumentative teenager. Even then, I always behaved well outside of the house.

Using the threat of violence wasn't/isn't the only way to nurture well behaved children, it's just the lazy way.

Why did you have your child near an open fire to begin with?

I was a mid 80s baby. Being hit was definitely not the norm among my friendship group, we were all horrified when one friend casually mentioned it happening.

Yes, physically pulling, the minimum amount of physical contact needed to save someone from getting hurt. Just like if you saw someone about to step in front of a car you would pull them back and then immediately let go, to stop them getting hurt.

You already had hold of his hand. You didn't need to smack it.

So hitting your head?

Earlier than the 90’s, but yes, boys caned in front of the whole school, in assembly!

My mum was a ‘hitter’, not my dad.

She smacked me across my legs, with one of those hard plastic baseball bats and another time, hit me so hard on the shoulders as I leaned on the back of a wing back chair, that the chair toppled over and I ended up on the floor.