The anti-brag thread

[SardinesOnButteredToast]

Not quite a TAAT, but inspired by another mumsnetter being understandably fed up of listening to people bragging. I thought - in the interests of balance - maybe we could have one thread where we have a good anti-brag. Light hearted, in so much as that's allowed (wink).

I hate my front door. It's a nasty off white uPVC and it's got the kerb appeal of a sofa in the front garden.
None of my very loved and lovely children are in the least impressive objectively (nor was I at their age).
My cat has taken to punching me in the face at 6.15am many mornings (not a little bat, and actually really hard smack with claw). This makes me feel resentful and angry.

I have lost Count of the number of stains on my carpet.
I cannot role my tongue.
I frequently trip over my feet

My front door (which I didn’t pick) has a stained glass design that is undeniably an erect penis. Neither my husband or I noticed this until we’d lived here for a few months, and neither of us has the gumption to fix it, after several years.

I got my heel stuck under the sofa last night (just don’t ask) and ended up tripping and stuck. Now have a very sore heel and ankle.

My cleaner came today and already my house could do with her coming back.

I accidentally washed a new white top in with a load of darks and it already looks murky.

My bed valance sheet hides my battered divan base which is scuffed, scratched and stained.

I've been living with a building site for a kitchen for SEVEN years 😩

never marry a builder

My house is the ugliest in the road, not in a cute way, but just fugly.

I've lost weight but its just made my stomach look even bigger as its stayed the same size, and I still need the same size trousers.

I have £25 in the bank until next pay day which is Monday, I did have £35, but I bought 4 Euromillions tickets, and I'm not sorry.

I’m very unfit, I don’t belong to a gym, I sometimes eat UPFs, I am quite happy to sit down of an evening with a sink full of washing up undone, and if I’m not going out, sometimes I don’t get dressed (or have a shower) until mid day.

My kitchen floor has needed replacing for 10+ years. We have a crack in one of the panes of a kitchen window but you cant see it due to the window blinds BUT I KNOW IT IS THERE. DH is incapable of getting rid of anything and my organization skills and our ample storage space are all that is keeping us from looking like hoarders.

My kid is such a fussy eater he won’t even eat chicken nuggets. I’d love him to eat a Happy Meal!

My knees sound like bubble wrap when I walk upstairs. No matter how many times I've been shown and given tips I still can't poach an egg. I've had a check engine light on my car for months that I'm just ignoring

One of mine doesn't like chocolate such a little weirdo

Our laminate flooring is coming apart at the joints so if you step on a plank in the wrong spot you end up skateboarding through the house

There’s a stain on the carpet on our landing from when I had norovirus and shat myself at 2am.

I’m dyslexic and struggle with basic math like 17+20, it’s humiliating

I spend an unhealthy amount of money on McDonalds.

I can't drive. I'm shit at driving.

The ironing basket is overflowing. The house desperately needs decluttered. I have so much to do.

Can't be arsed doing anything.

We've just moved and it's the ugliest house ever. It's got lumpy yellow render and a contrasting bright red door & garage. It's not even cheery & welcoming, it's just garish.

It's also proper 90's throwback inside and I'm embarrassed to let the kids have mates round in case they think this is the finished article & tell their parents about my horrible house.

I also don't clean often enough & when I do it's a half arsed job.

We need to see that door.

I've been at work all afternoon with stains on my clothes from where my (really nice) falafel wrap exploded.

The puppy chewed a big hole in the carpet and I haven't replaced it yet.

She's nearly three now.

My bathroom has mould on one painted wall because teenagers shower and don’t open windows. The side of the bath broke and the toilet is rectangular and I hate it. It’s the only room we’ve not done and I hate it. But also bathrooms are expensive and plumbers don’t reply 😩

There’s a cat vomit stain under my bed that’s gone all crusty and dry (on laminate) and I haven’t bothered to clean it coz it means moving the bed out as I can’t quite get under it that far in to do a proper job.

I have a degree but have worked menial jobs ever since (many, many years).

When we moved into our house 16 years ago, we thought the kitchen and dining room could really do with updating. They have not been touched.

I’ve been told I look like big bird off of Sesame Street.

There’s a stain on the carpet on our landing from when I had norovirus and shat myself at 2am.

This puts my problems in perspective 🤣

When we moved into our current house I said "That hall carpet has to be the first thing to go". It was a really good quality almost new carpet but very ugly and I hated it. Now it's a 25 year old worn out ugly carpet and I still hate it, but it's still there.
Also, I have been saying I will make some curtains for our boat since 1995. Well, nobody can get close enough to see in at night so there's no rush...

My specs broke over a year ago and rather than be arsed to replace them I'm wearing the ones I had before which are fixed with superglue. The varifocal reading bit in them isn't strong enough for me any more. I have to borrow large print books from the library. This is annoying but not quite annoying enough to get me off my arse and down the opticians.

Oh what a brilliant thread OP.
How nice to hear about " real" things and not the facade of perfection most people seem to put up these days.
I'll put in my 2 penny worth:
My hall and stair carpet is really thread bare and annoying me to death
In fact the living room and the kitchen floor have seen better days and need replacing but I cant face the upheaval.

Do elderly ladies faint as they walk past your house? 🤣