The anti-brag thread

[SardinesOnButteredToast]

Not quite a TAAT, but inspired by another mumsnetter being understandably fed up of listening to people bragging. I thought - in the interests of balance - maybe we could have one thread where we have a good anti-brag. Light hearted, in so much as that's allowed (wink).

I hate my front door. It's a nasty off white uPVC and it's got the kerb appeal of a sofa in the front garden.
None of my very loved and lovely children are in the least impressive objectively (nor was I at their age).
My cat has taken to punching me in the face at 6.15am many mornings (not a little bat, and actually really hard smack with claw). This makes me feel resentful and angry.

"I secretly dislike two of my friends but don’t know how to get rid of them". Dappy777.
Ooh this with bells on - except I CAN'T get rid (awkward, complicated situation) - so I have to just grin and bear it and be all friendly/nice/chatty on the outside whereas inside/under my breath I'm thinking "shut up, you're ignorant/bitchy/spoilt/privilleged" (depending on what they are being at that moment)! I have to see at least one of them every single day and the resentment is building...

The grouting on our bathroom floor is all discoloured and cracked, it’s been like it for 12 years!
We have really old scratched furniture which I plan on updating one day.

And the conservatory roof leaks.

My mum bought me some glue on nails to cheer me up and I applied them on her nice side table.

First time applying, squeeze glue instead of brush. Long story short, I’m banned from using glue without putting a lot of paper down

I’m dying 😂

90% of the carpets in my house are straight out of the 80s. Brown hued patterns. In fairness they make me feel warm and cosy thinking of my gma’s house and friends farmhouses growing up but they are objectively, undeniably, incredibly ugly 😂

Another anti-brag in a world obsessed with aesthetics is that my aesthetic is a bit unfortunate and ageing 90s grim reaper. I got away with it in the 90s a d a bit beyond by being skinny and smoking a lot but now I can't be bothered even trying to update myself.

Oh, and last time I attempted to try our a new cleaner, she actually pretended she'd got a message someone someone close to her had died to get out of cleaning our house. 😳

I just slowly keep getting fatter and fatter but not i have zero willpower to stop me from eating chocolate, cookies and pizza!

I went for a pedicure yesterday, I was due on my period, a drop in blood pressure and hit with a migraine at once.
All that combined with the smell of the nail salon I passed out.
Lucky my sister was with me and held me up while my feet was getting done, I was only out a few seconds.

Embarrassing yes.
Going again no.
I will go somewhere that has windows and doors open.

Sweet summer child....

Mine was sat for 11 years before I gave in and got a decorator in

My kitchen and utility room are fuck ugly, and I'm too tight- cautious to spend the £18k I've been quoted on a new one, even though one of the drawer fronts keeps coming off. The flooring I have downstairs is dated and rubbish but I've just never gotten around to replacing it.

I currently only have two bras that even nearly fit me, but it feels like such a mammoth task to start figuring out what size I am now.

I like a subtle fake tan but I'm lazy and only do from the bum down and nipples up. I look ridiculous naked. In fact, I generally take a lot of care with my appearance - including my clothes - for work and leaving the house, but my poor DH basically lives with a bog troll because it all comes rapidly undone as soon as I'm home.

I live in a council flat on a notorious estate.

I also rent my carpet from the council. It's 8 years old and looks like every second of it. I could ask for a new one (which I will also have to pay rent for every week) but I cannot, cannot be arsed to move everything out of the way for it to be done. I can't afford to buy one upfront.

I have a missing tooth and can't always be doing with putting my denture in so a lot of the time I look like an extra in Shameless.

My best bra is actually a bikini top from Tesco.

I had to take the tiled bath panel off because the bath was leaking. So for the last 2 years I just haven't had one. The floorboards are in a shocking state under there.

The carpet here is nearly 19 years old and full of holes, both moth and wear.

When the washing machine drains the sink plug hole smells like all the sewers in London have burst. Can’t be arsed to text son’s plumber friend to come and clear out the pipe.

Here for the stained glass dick pic , please 😂🔥

Snap! The kitchen fitter said make sure you oil it every six months. That was 2021 and I’ve still not got round to doing it.

@Listlostlast
I recommend you stick with those dark patterned carpets. When we originally moved into our house 30 years ago, we were very sensible and chose our carpets on the basis that they didn’t show stains. A few years back we replaced them (living room, hall, stairs & landing) with a new carpet in silver grey, thinking there’s just me and DH now. But we are fairly messy/clumsy people and we have a dog so it now desperately needs a good clean. The deeper pile has attracted smells too so our house just stinks of dog.

Honestly this is a massive bonus 😂
A downside of this though, of course, is that my sons little diecast Cars are invisible and are stood on regularly 😂

Omg this is funny! Sorry, not fun for you of course but 🤭 🐢

I have a theory that most people secretly dislike one or two of their friends. Come on everyone, admit it! People say “huh, not me, what you see is what you get. If someone pisses me off, I tell them.” But it’s rarely that simple. Ditching a close friend is hellishly complicated and often involves a lot of awkwardness. Plus you end up having to avoid them in the street. And you end up losing other friends because of it. A really nasty, toxic person will get revenge by turning everybody else in the friend group against you.

We spent more on buying and renovating our house than the house is now worth.

I get the shits every time I eat gluten

i'm sorry, but that's definitely bragging 😆

My spare bedroom is a shit hole. It's just a dumping ground for anything and everything that I can't be arsed to put away properly.

Coeliac disease?