Horse riding dividing family

[Fatmamslim]

Not sure I know what I'm asking here..

But how do you cope if you have two children, one horse mad (13) and the other hates it?

We own a pony. Child is now competing and wants to spend every second of her life at the yard.

Younger sibling hates it. (8)

Weekends are spent divided as a family as I am at yard and dad is with younger child.

I work an intense job with unsociable hours which is the only reason we can afford said pony DH feels he never see's me and younger child starting to become resentful and says things like "great so another day I don't see you because of x's hobby" as we head out for yet more jobs/yard work/day of competing whatever.

I will admit I'm struggling with the balance. Daily I think about selling him and putting her back in a riding school but once a week but then I watch the joy in her face as she goes clear or gallops across the fields and know it would destroy her now. It is her life.

I feel pulled in all directions and I don't know how to fix it.

I think it's really shit that so many responses are basically "horses rule and take priority, anyone who doesn't like it basically needs to shut up and be second best".

Agreed it's actually quite shocking how many people seem to think this 8 year old should just put up and shut up and doesn't deserve quality time with his mother simply because he doesn't share the same enthusiasm for horses as his sister.

No one is bleating on about how the daughter should instead learn to love Lego and art because heaven forbid she should be the one to compromise.

@cocunut - thank you

Absolut agree

But the ds in this senario does have hobbies. It's just the OP doesn't think they are worthwhile or real hobbies.

The dh helping the ds with his own hobbies doesn't solve the problem of ds wanting to spend time with his mum.

As the saying goes, if you've met one person with autism, you've met one person with autism. Just because some love horses and get lots out of it doesn't mean another won't find the experience hell on earth.

The OP over committed in the first place when they decided to buy the pony. Unless the dh was actively pushing for the horse to be bought, it's the OPs problem to solve. She can't decide he needs to pick up her slack.

If the dh did actively encourage the purchase then he needs to live in the hell of his own making and help out.

And animals do need to come first if you own them. They rely on humans to look after them, probably even more so than an 8 year old child.

But they don't need to be competed on regularly and they don't need to take up both days at the weekend either - that's a choice made by the owners.

Yes, if on DIY you need to be there twice a day and yes, they need to be kept fit/in work, but that doesn't need to take all weekend, every weekend. That's being selfish and giving one child serious preferential treatment.

Sometimes DD needs to accept that just the essentials get done sometimes so that her brother can have what he wants for a change.

That was my thought too. Mucking out/feeding etc twice a day doesn’t take long. Riding out also needn’t take long. No reason for the whole weekend to be spent at the stables.

Is your dd a member of pony club? Rallies and camp with other children would be really good.

Plus while she’s at camp you get a whole week with ds. I used to take my ds away for a few days.

Yes, exactly.

Nobody's disputing that horses need a certain amount of time spent on them, but nobody needs to be at the stables all weekend, every weekend - especially when it comes at the expense of half the family's happiness.

But if you follow this strategy, how does any child who is very skilled and enthusiastic in one particular sport or interest, pursue it seriously, if the family as a whole doesn’t facilitate it?

Many families would be happy to come together and support a child with lots of potential! And many parents encourage siblings to be supportive of one another. As long as there is room for each child to shine - it might not necessarily be at the same time - but each child’s individual interests should be facilitated.

In this instance, I’m afraid it’s a dh issue. Especially given that Lego is far easier to facilitate than horse-riding. If your dh was more competent, you could just swap roles as parents every so often. But he can’t do that. You are doing too much of everything op and so it all seems unbalanced to your younger dc. But I imagine it would even if your dd did not have a time consuming hobby.

This. Move to a yard that has Pony Club and/or other kids. Your life will be so much simpler and both kids will be happy.

My daughter started off at a Pony Club centre and her two best friends are from Pony Club. You drop off and then leave. We're now at a different yard that doesn't have Pony Club (both my daughter's best friends also moved yards with us) but it's still a yard that's specifically geared towards kids/teens. They train together, do the yard work together, hack out together, compete together and go to overnight shows/camps together. It's so much more fun for the kids and easier for the parents.

honestly id move yards to a child friendly one - as a young teen I was fine alone with my horse - yes riding supervised but teens are happy messing round the yard all day, gives you time off too

I think realistically an hour or so morning and evening on a normal weekend day with no competing is realistic. But yes i would move yards asap and make her become more independent

Precisely . Which is what I said about 7 pages ago .

But if you follow this strategy, how does any child who is very skilled and enthusiastic in one particular sport or interest, pursue it seriously, if the family as a whole doesn’t facilitate it?

You split it fairly. In this case, the DH needs to step and do 50% of the horse stuff do OP can do her share of the Lego/arty stuff with her DS.

What you don't do is have one parent give all their time, money and energy to one gulf while the other screams out for attention and gets sidelined again.

But if you follow this strategy, how does any child who is very skilled and enthusiastic in one particular sport or interest, pursue it seriously, if the family as a whole doesn’t facilitate it?

or you end up in situation I’ve seen many times where the one child who is keen and so good is driving the whole family organisation with siblings ending up doing the same hobby whether they like it or not. But the other hobbies they could have enjoyed (and be good at) are cancelled ‘because there isn’t enough time’

And then you see those families and

• 1- said child has become a young adult at Uni and has stopped the hobby they couldn’t possibly live Wo. Within a couple if months
• 2- parents are run down to the ground and look ill (with some sort of pride because they’ve sacrificed so much to support their child)
• 3- sibling ends up resentful to have missed opportunities/always compare themselves to the one with THE hobby (how good they are, their choices etc…)

Im all for hobby and supporting young children and Yes, you don’t get accomplished athletes Wo the continuous support of the family. But there IS a huge cost to it and the chance for them to be properly good at it is very low. Is it actually worth it?? And especially is it fair in siblings if they are not given the same opportunity?

Did you read to my last para where I suggested they could swap activities every now and then? The point is that the dh is not stepping up!

The question for me is why your DD riding means you can't spend any time with your son or as a family?

Your DD is very lucky and has her own pony. That doesn't mean you have to spend all day every weekend at the stables. Fair enough competition days are longer but otherwise surely you can both get up in the morning, spend a couple of hours at the stables, and be home by mid-morning. And then you have the rest of the day to do family stuff or spend some time with your son. Or go up late afternoon. Even if pony is on DIY and you go twice a day it doesn't have to take up the whole day.

We're in a slightly similar situation as my daughter is horse-mad and we recently got a pony, whereas my son (12) has no interest in riding. I do spend a lot of time with her doing horse things. However, it's a bit easier in my case as I work part-time, and a lot of that from home, the pony is on livery so I don't have to be there twice a day, and even if I am at home my son is quite happy gaming for hours on end. However I try and make sure that I spend time spending time just with him and during the holidays do some activities with him that he enjoys, such as Go Ape.

I presume your daughter can tack up and generally look after the pony by herself but needs to have an adult around for support and supervision - in that case, could her dad could go sometimes? And if she's not away at a competition could she just spend a few hours at the yard and then come home so you can spend some time with your son?

But if you follow this strategy, how does any child who is very skilled and enthusiastic in one particular sport or interest, pursue it seriously, if the family as a whole doesn’t facilitate it?

They don't! It's a privilege unavailable to most people. I was skilled and talented when younger (injury has put paid to that!). With a different family I could have gone far. But I didn't because I had to make the best of the limited means available. So it's only ever been available to me as a hobby. It's unreasonable to sacrifice one DC's wellbeing (yes s negative relationship with a parent affects wellbeing) and a marriage (OP's DH isn't happy with the lack of family time either) for the sake of pursuing one DC's talents. They're a family not one DC and an entourage made up of parents and sibling. Being able to persue sporting talents to the top of one's capabilities, like so many other things in life, is the preserve of the rich.

when I was on Mat Leave with dc1 (who’s now a teen) the father for justice nutters were up on roofs dressed as out of shape superheroes. a big thing they were complaining about was the standard non-resident parent access of “every other weekend and one night in the week” wasn’t enough time with their dcs. (was around the time the move to 50/50 care was being pushed)

anyway, an NCT friend who’d struggled with her DHs refusal to reduce his hobby time and going for drinks after work etc threw it at him that if she left him and he got this “bare minimum contact” ( that so many fathers were fighting to increase as it wasn’t enough time with their kids), that would mean he would dramatically increase the time he spent in his child’s company.

@Fatmamslim - if you divorced and only got every other weekend and one night in the week contact with your 8 year old, would that be an increase or decrease in the time you spend with ds when he’s awake?

If it’s an increase, you know something has to give.

(my friends dh did curtail his hobby and make a bit of effort but he’s still an arse)

And the point is that by swapping up, the OP age get DH STILL dint have any time together.

And that the dd is STILL being prioritised over anyone else in the family. Her brother, her dad, no one’s needs are worth as much as her wants (because riding as much as she does is a want, nit a need. Whereas having 1-1 time with a parent is a need, just like having couple time).

How is that ok? Ever?

I don’t really understand this thread. I have one child who rides and one who doesn’t. We do all the care for the ponies but that is a short visit twice a day. Then ds rides 5 days a week but unless competing that is only 30 minutes.
We have always managed to go out as a family, if we want a full day out me and ds do ponies and he rides early so we are back by 9am to go out.
You then also have long winter evenings to spend time in as a family. If your ds saying he never sees you, what the hell are you doing at the yard?

That's a very sad way of looking at things. Although I'm sure it's mostly true (especially in horse riding 😬) there have been plenty of athletes in other sports who made it to the very top coming from sometimes extreme poverty. I know many such examples in figure skating for example (another extremely expensive sport).

^^ This is an overwhelmingly negative and defeatist view.

I know this isn’t probably relevant to this situation, but if you carry this philosophy on to its logical conclusion, then we may as well not bother watching the Olympics next year because there won’t be any young British athletes to cheer on!

There are, thank heavens in these days of screen addiction and obesity, plenty of families in UK in which one member excels at one sport or another and it’s not all doom and gloom. The family pull together to support them and it’s not at all easy, nothing worthwhile ever is, but it’s not all overwhelming negative.

Not all siblings are neglected and resentful; some are actually proud of their brothers and sisters and benefit from
seeing them strive and overcome successive challenges, and sensible parents appreciate each of their dc as individuals and know that even though they may not be able to do it all simultaneously all at once , over several years, they make sure each child has its fair share of attention and resources.

Not all siblings are neglected and resentful

But the OPs son is one of the children who is resentful of the situation, and the relationship with his mum is neglected in favour of his sister's hobby. It would be lovely to think the OP will give just as much support, attention and resources to her DS, but it's clear OP prefers horses / riding and is unlikely to show her DS anywhere near the same level of interest, as she's just not interested in his hobbies.