Horse riding dividing family

[Fatmamslim]

Not sure I know what I'm asking here..

But how do you cope if you have two children, one horse mad (13) and the other hates it?

We own a pony. Child is now competing and wants to spend every second of her life at the yard.

Younger sibling hates it. (8)

Weekends are spent divided as a family as I am at yard and dad is with younger child.

I work an intense job with unsociable hours which is the only reason we can afford said pony DH feels he never see's me and younger child starting to become resentful and says things like "great so another day I don't see you because of x's hobby" as we head out for yet more jobs/yard work/day of competing whatever.

I will admit I'm struggling with the balance. Daily I think about selling him and putting her back in a riding school but once a week but then I watch the joy in her face as she goes clear or gallops across the fields and know it would destroy her now. It is her life.

I feel pulled in all directions and I don't know how to fix it.

Well I mean of course we just aren’t going to disagree. You’ve openly said you would simply spend all your time at the yard with horses if your very young autistic child didn’t have the same hobbies as you, so you obviously place your kids really low in your priority list compared to horses and ponies and your own hobbies. I place mine quite high and would consider it a priority to ensure I spent time with my young autistic child even if I thought their hobby wasn’t as fun as my own hobby. Even if that meant we couldn’t have a luxury hobby such as owning a pony and spending every day with that pony. Even if it meant looking for a pony share or paying someone to accompany the older girl half the time.

@Thepleasureofyourcompany

Unless you have someone else to feed and water your pony, pick out its feet and bring it in and out if necessary then yes, I'm afraid looking after any animal comes first.

I like you - someone that makes sense 😂 I wonder if some of the nutters on this thread are the same kinds of people that rehome dogs after they have a baby because "the kids don't look after it"...

@Kanaloa

You’ve openly said you would simply spend all your time at the yard with horses if your very young autistic child didn’t have the same hobbies as you, so you obviously place your kids really low in your priority list compared to horses and ponies and your own hobbies.

I think you're being ridiculous now. 8 is not a "very young" child. It is old enough to understand that other people have priorities. Hence my suggestion to get the younger one involved; he may realise the time needed to take care of a pony (and, shock horror, might actually enjoy it?!) and realise that he is not the only living thing his mum is responsible for looking after.

And tbh, @Thepleasureofyourcompany , I'd rather watch my daughter tearing across fields on her pony in the sun than sit inside building Lego while said daughter can't enjoy her sport because her brother is jealous and won't get involved...

So you think that poster is correct? You think that if your 8 year old (apparently that’s not very young) autistic child is interested in something you find boring then it’s normal and good parenting to simply disappear from their life and spend all your time with horses?

If you think that’s normal then you’re not going to see any normal parent’s point of view.

And nobody has said the girl can’t ride horses because her brother is ‘jealous.’ They’ve said that as a parent it is your job to spend time with your young child even if that child does not like horses.

Do you have horses?

Oh I'm sure this child understands that other people have priorities! And that he certainly isn't his mother's!

No. It’s not really relevant though - this thread actually has very little to do with horses or ponies. It has to do with an unfair imbalance within a family, whereby one child’s expensive and time consuming hobby is taking over the entire family life to the point that a young child with autism is being refused any time with his mother.

Do you have children with special needs?

Posted in the 'Tack Room' you are always going to get a generally one-sided response in favour of DD and her love of horses. I feel for DH and DS in this scenario. My DD has special needs and loves horses. The stables who present themselves as being 'welcoming' are truly not welcoming and the people who run them have no social skills. I know this seems like a derail but I totally understand why DH doesn't want to go and why DS prefers his lego. She does sound 'overindulged OP.

@Kanaloa normal and good parenting to simply disappear from their life and spend all your time with horses?
I don't think anybody on here is suggesting this at all. What we are suggesting is practical ways to get the youngest involved because, quite frankly, dad sounds useless and eldest shouldn't have to give up on her hobby because of that.
I think you're being completely inflammatory and suggesting that the OP is a shit parent. I think it's quite clear that you don't own any animals because you obviously don't understand the effort that goes into caring for them.
I'm very glad your children have you as the centre of their universes and clearly don't want for anything...

The poster I was quoting said exactly that 😂 she said if her kid was into Lego (which she feels is deathly and boring) she’d ‘spend every spare minute at the yard.’

My kids aren’t the centre of my universe - that’s my whole point. I wouldn’t allow any one of my children to overtake family life at the expense of their siblings. The op is the one with a child at the centre of the universe with her parents and sibling at odds and her mother working all hours to fund her expensive hobby.

Well it's a bit relevant as it's in the Tack Room topic. I don't have a child with special needs unless dyslexia counts, which is why I don't pontificate about things in the SEN topic.

@MillieMollieMandy1 The stables who present themselves as being 'welcoming' are truly not welcoming and the people who run them have no social skills.
Tbh as a horsey person I can agree with this, but the beauty of it is that we don't go there to socialise we go there to spend time with our animals.
Hence why I think the whole "young autistic child" argument is bloody silly. I'm autistic myself and being around animals is the best medicine and has taught me so much about life that I don't get from other humans.
I think the OP should turn this into something fun for her youngest. Dad and youngest should meet OP and eldest in the pub after they finish riding and that means they get family time AND OP and her daughter get to continue with their hobby.

It may be in the tack room but it is not a horse specific issue. If you have no children with special needs then really your advice of ignoring the child until he gets a socially acceptable hobby or sucks it up and sits in a corner of a stable in his free time isn’t any good. To be honest I think it would be shit advice even if this child didn’t have special needs.

Half of the four people in this family aren't horsey, though, so it's probably wise to get some input from people who aren't horsey as well. Otherwise it may be harder to understand the perspective of the husband or son.

Just because you’re autistic and love horses doesn’t mean every autistic person loves horses. Obviously. Horses are not the ‘best medicine’ for some autistic children. My son would hate being forced to spend his time at a yard or stables. He dislikes mess and doesn’t like animals. He wants to build Lego in his safe space where he feels in control. That’s the ‘best medicine’ for him.

The answer to the boy disliking horses isn’t to just make him be around horses. There have been plenty of other suggestions - hiring a helper to accompany dd to the stable half the time, looking into pony share etc. The solution isn’t to simply say get with the horse programme or I’m not interested.

I have two good friends with autistic children, one very severely and non verbal. They love horses and riding which I don't think is that unusual. I also volunteer at RDA so see first hand how horses can change lives. I think the saddest thing is that the dh in this scenario isn't doing his best to find a hobby the ds loves or get over himself (the dh, not the ds) and help his ds enjoy horses too. Or alternatively he does a 150 lego set every weekend and they all meet up in the evening for a meal, a dvd and a chat,.like most families.

That's not a fair analogy at all. A better analogy would be, would you continue to keep an animal in the family if one child had a bad allergy and the animal's presence was making them miserable?

A horse may be very reliant on humans to pick its feet, feet it, groom it, muck it out and all the rest, but the difference is that you can sell/share/loan a pony; you can't do that with a child!

I have a son with autism and many friends with autistic kids of varying needs. Lots of them love Lego. Some like animals and some really do not.

The idea that because some autistic kids like horses, this child should be forced to join in or accept never spending time with his mother, is just silly. I know you love horses but surely you can use some empathy and common sense to imagine that some people do not and that a parent should spend time with their child even if the child doesn’t like horses.

And please stop saying the boy ‘needs to find a hobby.’ He has hobbies. They may not be hobbies you find worthwhile, but drawing/art and making Lego sets are hobbies too. Even if they don’t have horses involved.

I'm another one saying look for a different yard, although do think about implications for insurance. Even if you stay at current yard she surely won't need you there once she's 13/14/15? I never had my own pony but had a share at a riding school that had livery clients too and we all got dropped off first thing in the morning and collected at lunchtime or at five or whatever.

better analogy would be, would you continue to keep an animal in the family if one child had a bad allergy and the animal's presence was making them miserable?

Nobody here has allergies 😂 That's a silly thing to say.
I couldn't not have animals. If one of my children was allergic (highly unlikely as I would expose them to animals from literal birth) I would have to ensure they were dosed up on piroten and the animal didn't go in their room??
But that's not even the issue here. No one has allergies.

Why does everyone keep insisting that being around animals is good for people with autism? And I ask that as an autistic person who loves and works with animals.

It may be good for some people but lots of autistic people strongly dislike animals as they shed, smell, make loud noises, produce lots of poo/wee and can be incredibly unpredictable.

I think it's really shit that so many responses are basically "horses rule and take priority, anyone who doesn't like it basically needs to shut up and be second best".

Yes, horses are loving brings and require a lot of work which is why most people don't own their own horses. They're expensive and time-consuming and not really conducive to a balanced family life unless everyone loves them too.

As that's not the case here, something needs to change. The answer is not for one child to be sidelined forever because he has the audacity to have a non-horsey related hobby or interest.

@cocunut - my DD doesn't go to be social either - she just wants to groom and ride. However when she is told that she 'must stay away from any clients', never attend in the holidays (which means only attend when it is quiet, cold and we need the money), that she clearly has 'mental problems'..not one stables but a number...and she is quiet and good with horses.. that is until we just stopped going.

I think the saddest thing is that the dh in this scenario isn't doing his best to find a hobby the ds loves or get over himself (the dh, not the ds) and help his ds enjoy horses too. Or alternatively he does a 150 lego set every weekend and they all meet up in the evening for a meal, a dvd and a chat,.like most families.

DS has hobbies he loves, he enjoys drawing and building Lego, why does he need to enjoy horses? Should the DD learn to enjoy Lego?

What he doesn't have is time with his mum, which is what he wants.

That's awful and I'm so sorry your DD had that experience :(

This is such an easy problem to solve that I don't understand all the drama.

The OP's daughter is currently at a yard that's 99% adults and not suitable for kids to spend time on their own. She needs to move yards somewhere where there are loads of kids and the yard itself is geared towards kids/teens. That's the obvious solution.

Both her children are massively missing out by the pony staying somewhere where there are no other teens around, so OP has to spend her weekends hanging around the yard.

My daughter is the same age and I'm a single working mum. If I had to hang around the yard every evening and all weekends/holidays I'd get nothing done. My daughter made so many friends at the yard, it's their "hang" and no one's parents need to be there.

Drop off, wave bye bye and then pick up.