Falling apart at work

[MsGoodenough]

Think I need to get signed off for my mental health. But scared if I do I'll be too scared to ever go back. I have lost all my confidence. I am considering resigning my HoD role but scared I'll regret it. But just not functioning. The cause of the mental health breakdown is home, not work, so being at home may make things worse. I'm in most days in body if not in spirit. School have referred me to Occupational Health. They are very kind and supportive but one day they'll get sick of me. Any words of wisdom. I love my job and need it all the more if I split up with DP (which I think I needs to do).

I have to sort all the coursework over Easter so it's not much a break. Also driving to Paris with DD to visit my sister - considering cancelling that as in my current state of anxiety I'm scared I'm going to crash! Might pony up the ridiculous last minute prices for the Eurostar for peace of mind.

What's happening at the moment is I'm neither working nor resting. I procrastinate at my computer all weekend. Then I can't relax in the evening or e.g. went to the theatre this afternoon, or right now, as I feel I should be working. It's unsustainable but I can't break the deadlock, even though I know, or perhaps because I know, that if I carry on like this my job will become untenable. Right now I'm officially 'working' but obvs here on Mumsnet instead.

Does your line manager not check that things are done? Would that help?
I run myself, but report in weekly about what I'm doing. I can procrastinate with the best of them, which is why I'm so ruthlessly organised most of the time.

Not really. She's given me a lot of leeway this year due to my mental health. In a way I wish she hadn't. I'm still meeting exam board deadlines and when I had a show rehearsing I made sure it was ready, so actually I think you're right; if she were a bit stricter with me I think that might help me. Under the old SLT I don't think I would have fallen apart to this degree as I was too damn scared of them. I definitely think feeling able to fall apart on my boss hasn't helped me. Not sure how I should phrase asking them to be stricter with me though! If I had to produce lesson plans I'd hate it but it might help me in the long run.

Think I handled the meeting pretty badly. Feel like I'm spiralling down and can't stop

Would it help to talk about it?

Maybe. I think you'll get annoyed with me. I can't talk now but will log back on later hopefully.

THey were very supportive as my results are good. But this year's aren't going to be...

It doesn't matter if I'm annoyed: I don't know you and I can just ignore you if I want to.

But I - and other posters here - are happy to help if we can.

I just can't plan a lesson, let alone a SOW or any HOD stuff. I had PPA today and I just span. Had a therapy session tonight and she told me to break it down into small chunks, which I try to do but I can't. I need to be positive but how can I? Being a teacher is everything to me. I am so lost.

I keep saying this: I think you need some time off.

And I keep agreeing with MrsHamlet. If you are at the stage that you feel you can't plan a lesson, despite all your many years of successfully doing so, then you need a break. You also need something else in your life besides teaching. It's a great career, I love it, but it can't be the only thing. Please go back to the GP.

Got prescribed some propranolol for anxiety today, then was so anxious I forgot to pick it up! Thank you for talking to me. The problem is I can't set cover work either. Every day I've had off has made me worse.

I am just obsessing about how I should have resigned the TLR. I had my chance and I blew it

I think you're going to make yourself seriously ill if you carry on like this.

If you are too sick to work, you also can't set cover.

I agree with the poster who says you're going to make yourself worse if you carry on. And - bring brutal about it - I fear you will end up in a worse position at work.

Call in sick for the rest of the week and give yourself a break.

Felt a bit better over the weekend (away) tried to work again today and failed all day. I don't know why I'm throwing my life away like this. I will have to quit my job and do supply which will be worse. IF I take time off sick I'll be too scared to ever go back. I am totally stuck.

I haven't managed to do much work today - really not in the mood for it. You have a while yet, so don't beat yourself up about not being super efficient one day in the holidays.

It's every day I try to work though. Including during PPA. If it weren't a pattern I wouldn't be so panicky. I'm away for Easter weekend so trying to get stuff done today and tomorrow. Maybe a foolish plan. Considering revising it to trying to do two hours a day including over the weekend. So scared of not being good enough and needing to leave teaching.

@MsGoodenough
How are you?
with regards to planning, can you sit down and do the planning for after Whitweek, one year group at a time- just bare bones with no details. Literally a ‘shape’ of a plan? If you are stuck in a rut of procrastination can you look online a see if anything exists that would do the job and then flesh it out?
I’m so sorry you are going through this. I think it is really difficult (and lonely!) in a small but highly visible department.