Falling apart at work

[MsGoodenough]

Think I need to get signed off for my mental health. But scared if I do I'll be too scared to ever go back. I have lost all my confidence. I am considering resigning my HoD role but scared I'll regret it. But just not functioning. The cause of the mental health breakdown is home, not work, so being at home may make things worse. I'm in most days in body if not in spirit. School have referred me to Occupational Health. They are very kind and supportive but one day they'll get sick of me. Any words of wisdom. I love my job and need it all the more if I split up with DP (which I think I needs to do).

I should add that I teach in the most easygoing school imaginable. I really do have a dream job and I'd be a lunatic to throw it away like this.

Which makes me think it's even more important that you take some time to get better before you get yourself into a difficult position with them.

I do take your point. I'm just so scared of time at home as I lose my mind.

Just posting for a bit of moral support at the start of the day, and to stop myself going in to cry on a colleague!

Have you spoken to your GP? This isn't doing you any good

Yes lots contact with GP. They changed my medication. Problem now is paralysing indecision

If you would be happy to give up your TLR you must be fairly happy with your basic lesson planning and you say you work at a 'dream school' so behaviour and systems day to day seem to be good. You need to reflect on these positives as these are the really important day to day aspects.
If it is the HOD issues that are getting you down try to identify the reasons.
In my experience taking time off work for stress and taking pharmaceuticals is sometimes a necessary step but one that is difficult to come back from.
Personally my mantra is to try to take control of the situation first.
The good thing about teaching is that there are usually other schools in the same town/academy chain with HOD's doing exactly the same job as you for the same subjects. Is there anybody doing the job well in another school that you could learn from and buddy up with regarding resources and documentation? Then you wouldnt feel so isolated in making your management decisions?
Dont feel as if you would be a burden to them doing this as such mentoring would be really good for an experienced HOD to have on their CV for their next promotion.
Your employer should be supportive of this sort of plan if you tell them you are struggling. Allocating time and resources to support you as suggested above could be part of your ongoing professional development .Make sure you have a say with who your mentor is though. You need someone whose abilities you respect .
IMO taking control of the situation is the key to solving your anxiety.
If you tried a plan as suggested for a couple of terms you would either be on your way to becoming an effective HOD or you would know it was not for you and it would be your decision.
Regarding giving up your TLR, I know lots of people who have and are now main scale teachers only. As you know the TLR allowance is an extra on top of your main scale job. Your UPS is for experience. It was brought in to keep experienced teachers in the classroom and in a small department that will be invaluable

Thank you so much. Unfortunately I have totally fucked up. I didn't resign the TLR and now they have hired an ECT for the only other teacher role in my department. I am beyond furious with myself for letting this opportunity to step back down to teacher slip through my fingers. I have a meeting with HR tomorrow and I need to resist the urge to blurt out I don't want to be hod any more as that will now give them a reason to get rid of me. F"'''*CK. If only I could turn back time 3 weeks and resign the TLR.

They can't just get rid of you, though.

So think very carefully about what support they can give you which might help you to get things back under control.

A colleague was talking about resigning her TLR and how happy she was that she'd done it. Made me realise it wasn't admitting defeat or failing, just about whether the additional stress was worth £6k. Unfortunately this conversation came too late for me. I'm just pinning hope on this guy we've hired pulling out for some reason, which I know is highly unlikely.

I also agree that taking time off is hard to come back from. I took no days off until Jan this year and every day I take off I come back worse.

May I ask what subject you teach?
Are you a stand alone dept or do you come under the umbrella of a larger curriculum area?

@MrsHamlet I really struggle to commit to long term planning so I have very sketchy long term plans (I have OCD which is all around decisions) Also I struggle with keeping things tidy and organised. I've been HOD for 5 years and I feel like I've coped up until now but now everything's such a mess the cracks are starting to show. Also responsible for a lot of kit in a practical subject that I'm not looking after properly. I suspect this may link to suspected ADHD so I guess I could push that angle. As a UPS HOD I don't feel I can ask someone to help me tidy. Also total loss of confidence. Again I don't know what they can do for me for that.

I support staff who are struggling as part of my role.
I'd be looking to reduce your teaching load, trying to find you some admin support, getting some coaching in place.
If you don't ask for support, you may well end up in a position where it becomes imposed upon you.

Thank you that's useful. I will think what I might ask for in the meeting tomorrow.

@CurlyKoalie I teach Drama. We don't have faculties at my school so I report directly to a Deputy Head. There's no-one else internal who could take on my role.

Thank you everyone for your supportiveness.

It won't matter one iota to you that there's no one to pick up the work if you're unable to work because you're having a breakdown - it's in their interests to support you to avoid that.

I'm just fixated now on the fact I should have given up the TLR. It feels like I just can't stay on as HOD, but I don't want to leave my lovely school. Find myself wildly hoping the new ECT is reading this and decides he recognises the circumstances and pulls out of the job.

I think you just need to be really honest and ask for support.

I spent all of last summer in a panic and not sleeping due to issues with DP. I'll spend all this summer panicking and not sleeping due to terror of the new ECT. His wife is a HOD at a different school so I feel he'll be judging my every move.

He's an ECT. He will be trying to survive. Will you be his mentor?

You need to listen to MrsHamlet. Ask for support, or ride it out till Easter and really rest.

You are projecting. You have no idea what he might be thinking.

True. I'm just aware I've let things slip and realise I don't have the energy/motivation/mental health to sort them out. Results are going to slip this year and I just see a long slow painful decline ahead of me. I'd never get a job as a main scale drama teacher on UPS so I can't afford to lose this one. I will try and be frank with HR and see what they say. Occupational Health had no suggestions. At the end of the day I need to sort myself out and if I can't....