A friend who lives near Tamworth follows these spoof news reports about the area.
She sent this today - I was impressed how quickly whoever it was that writes them got it done.
It's probably much funnier if you know Tamworth well, but it's easy to get the gist.
Sorry it's so long - hope people don't get friction burns on their thumbs scrolling by...
ROYAL SHOCK AS HARRY AND MEGHAN ARE SPOTTED HOUSE HUNTING IN WILNECOTE
Tamworth Today exclusive
Prince Harry and Meghan Markle could be preparing to swap their luxury American lifestyle for a three bedroom semi in Wilnecote after the couple were spotted peering through the window of Wilkins Estate Agents.
The sighting comes as national news outlets report that the Duke and Duchess of Sussex are planning to move back to Britain later this month, with their children expected to start school in the UK in September. While royal commentators have suggested the Sussexes may settle in the Cotswolds or Northamptonshire, Tamworth Today understands the couple have their hearts set on somewhere between Wilnecote, Two Gates and the nicer end of Hockley.
Eyewitnesses claim Harry and Meghan spent nearly 20 minutes studying the properties displayed in the window of Wilkins Estate Agents before moving on to Calders Estate Agents for what one observer described as “a proper look at what they could get for their money.”
Local woman Brenda Bungalow said, “Meghan was pointing at a lovely three bed semi with a conservatory, block paved drive and a substantial rear extension. “Harry seemed particularly interested in the sizeable frontage and well maintained passage down the side. “They both had a good look at the rear before Meghan started asking whether the current owners would be prepared to leave the curtains.”
Harry was reportedly drawn to a property described as “deceptively spacious,” although he became concerned after discovering that this usually means the third bedroom is barely large enough to accommodate a single bed, a bedside cabinet and one of his unresolved family grievances.
The couple were then seen entering Calders Estate Agents, where they allegedly requested details of any three bedroom semis in “a nice part of Wilnecote,” preferably with a downstairs toilet, secure garden and enough off road parking for two cars, a Range Rover and a small convoy of private security vehicles. An estate agency insider, who asked to be identified only as Val Uation, said, “They’re not looking for anything too grand. Just three bedrooms, two bathrooms, a large kitchen/diner, cinema room, gymnasium, panic room, podcast studio, staff quarters and an electrically operated gate. “We explained that they might struggle to find all of that in Wilnecote for under £325,000, but there is a property near the railway station with a surprisingly generous shed.”
Within hours of the sighting, Meghan reportedly posted a house-swap advert on her own Facebook page:
HOUSE SWAP WANTED
Have: Eight-bedroom mansion house in New York with swimming pool, cinema, landscaped gardens, sixteen bathrooms, meditation suite and emotionally supportive kitchen island.
Want: Three-bedroom semi in a nice part of Wilnecote. Must have driveway, downstairs loo, decent broadband and be within walking distance of a chippy.
Will consider Two Gates, but absolutely no timewasters, property developers or members of the British press. Must be chain free, because we have already had enough trouble with succession.
The Facebook post reportedly attracted more than 6,000 comments within an hour, including several from Tamworth residents offering exchanges. One woman offered the couple a two bedroom maisonette in Glascote, provided Meghan agreed to take over the payments on a corner sofa and remove an old trampoline from the communal garden. Another respondent wrote, “Three-bed semi available in Wilnecote. Large rear, impressive frontage and plenty of room for Harry’s ginger nuts. Message me privately if interested as husband doesn’t know I’m considering a swap.”
Tamworth Today understands the couple’s American mansion may actually be in California rather than New York, but Meghan allegedly selected New York on Facebook Marketplace because the correct location was not available in the drop down menu.
Property expert Ivor Mortgage believes the swap could prove difficult. “An eight bedroom American mansion sounds attractive,” he said, “but heating costs will be enormous and there is probably no number 65 bus nearby. “The Wilnecote property market is extremely competitive. If Harry and Meghan want something with a big rear extension, they’ll need to get in quickly and make a firm offer. “There are plenty of people around Tamworth prepared to go higher, particularly once they’ve seen the size of the downstairs.”
The royal couple were later spotted looking around Amington Heath Primary School, where it is understood they are considering enrolling Prince Archie and Princess Lilibet from September. Sources claim Harry asked whether the school offered polo, fencing and constitutional history, while Meghan wanted to know if pupils were allowed to bring their own film crew to parents’ evening. The couple were apparently impressed by the school’s facilities, although Harry was disappointed to learn that “school houses” referred to groups of pupils rather than actual properties supplied by the Crown Estate.
One parent said, “They seemed lovely. Meghan asked about the curriculum, after school clubs and whether the children would be protected from unwanted media attention. “I told her they would be absolutely fine until one of the mums put their photograph on the Wilnecote Community Facebook group and asked if anyone knew who the suspicious ginger bloke was.” Harry reportedly enquired whether pupils were expected to wear uniform and was relieved to learn that second hand PE kit was available, as he already had plenty of spare. The couple were also shown the playground, dining hall and reception classroom before being introduced to the school’s strict late arrival policy.
A royal security officer is believed to have explained that getting from Wilnecote to Amington during the morning rush hour would require the motorcade to leave at approximately 4.15am.
Buckingham Palace has declined to comment on the alleged Wilnecote move, although a palace source admitted King Charles would be “quietly delighted” if his grandchildren settled somewhere within easy reach of the A5.
Neighbours are already preparing for the possibility of royal arrivals. Retired carpet fitter Terry Axminster said, “They’ll be made very welcome. We’re a friendly lot around here. Nobody will bother them, apart from asking why they’ve parked three armoured vehicles across the pavement. “I’ll happily lend Harry my hedge trimmer and show him which bin goes out on Thursday. You can’t expect a prince to understand Tamworth’s recycling system without at least six months of specialist training.”
As darkness fell, Harry and Meghan were reportedly seen sharing a bag of chips while discussing whether to put in an offer. Meghan allegedly favours the property’s generous rear, while Harry likes the idea of finally becoming the only member of the Royal Family living in a semi.
Estate agents have warned, however, that the Sussexes are part of a complicated chain, have substantial baggage and may struggle to complete without another interview with Oprah. Local royal correspondent Penny Farthing said, “They’ve already gone from palace to mansion, so a Wilnecote semi seems the obvious next step. “If negotiations go smoothly, they could be in by September. If not, there’s always a two-bed end terrace in Dosthill with no upward chain and a magnificent view of somebody else’s extension.”
At the time of publication, the Facebook advert remained active, although Meghan had amended it to read, “Still looking. Must be private, secure and nowhere near William.”
Meanwhile, Harry was last seen outside Calders studying a bungalow with excellent access, a manageable rear and no troublesome relatives living upstairs.
Tamworth Today - bringing you the royal news that other newspapers lack the imagination, evidence or legal advice to publish.