A propos of none of the recent posts, last night I received an email out of the blue from a woman I knew ten or so years ago. We’d both just moved to our DHs’ home country. I always found them a bit odd as a couple: he was the (mega bucks) earner, but very quiet, softly spoken, not especially opinionated. Very clever man, really good at his job. She did all the talking for them as a couple: loads of chat, very charming, lots of smooth laughing, very easy to get on with but I also always felt she was assessing me (for usefulness to her, to establish her own standing relative to mine - I never felt I could take her at face value). There was also lots of her being tactile with him, and he accepting it if not exactly reciprocating it. They were very comfortable with each other physically, but the hand-holding, linked arms, hands on shoulder while smiling etc were all initiated by her. Literally never by him. I found it a very weird dynamic, but it was none of my business and they seemed perfectly happy together.
Fast forward 10 years and to this email I just received. They have two (gorgeous!) kids, live in an affluent suburb, and are looking to buy a second home in a super-mega-exclusive seaside enclave (think the Côte d’Azur or equivalent). Both of them come from not exactly humble beginnings, but steady working- to middle-class beginnings. Their parents did the best they could for them and their siblings, who’ve all ended up more comfortable and secure than their parents.
Relayed the info to my DH (they knew each other from before, the wives are the new additions) and he was shocked. The other DH always used to be super-dismissive of the set they now seem to be running with, and he’s beyond shocked that he agreed to his DC being privately educated (one thing apparently the DH apparently was very vocal about: state school educated and went to Oxford and beyond).
Looking back, it seems to me now that the tactile clutching and so forth by the wife was part of her MO. It’s as though she engulfed him in her comfort and love and “it’s just you and me together, forever”, but that vision of togetherness was on her terms. She’s clearly convinced him that her way is the way they’ll go forward as a family, and he’s clearly bought into that as part of the deal of building a family with her.
In and of itself, each party seems to have got what they needed from the marriage. But it seems mercenary to me: she very obviously (to me) saw his earning potential + soft-target personality and honed into the latter to access the former. But then again, maybe he knew this and went along with it willingly, as they seem happy enough as a couple and a family. But considering how he used to be versus what he is now, as my DH said, “yeah but why did he have to betray his roots for [the wife]?”