Returning new kittens - why didn't this work?

[FindingTheBalance]

This morning my husband and I had a long discussion and the conclusion is that our 8 month old kittens, who joined us five weeks ago, have to go back to the rescue. 😫

I feel really flat. And also confused how other families have kittens and kids at the same time.

Our kids aren't really young. They're 7 and 9 but they still have toys. The last five weeks has involved cats chewing houseplants, toys, one eating Lego, cats chewing the kids shoes, cats chewing the kids blankets and clothes. No matter how often I ask the kids to tidy stuff away they forget and leave stuff out.

Our kittens do have periodontal disease, which may explain the chewing, but reading online it sounds like the majority of rescue cats have this.

One is slightly incontinent too and often doesn't know he's goings (mostly poo but if we let him on the sofa wee stains appear too.).

My husband has rightly pointed out we can't have poo and wee everywhere and that the surfaces are covered in cat litter dust. The cats drop their food everywhere when eating probably because of the dental disease. They're restricted to one room because they chew everything.

Over five weeks I've done numerous vet visits, bought everything going to help tackle the dental disease, read and read and read cat forums for advice. My husband says it's taken over my life and I'm neglecting the kids, him, my health and the house. He's not wrong, it's like making the cat situation work has become an obsession for me.

So that's that. It's not working. But I don't get how others get it to work.

I agree that we shouldn't get any other "larger pets" as our household isn't suitable. I can't keep the cats from getting to stuff they shouldn't eat.

But I wish people, like you, would actually provide a solution to how to have kids with toys and shoes etc everywhere and kittens that chew and ingest toys together in the same household. Rather than just saying "it's your anxiety or it's your intolerance" that's the issue.

The foster carer messaged yesterday and asked what had happened. She then said it was strange as none of this had happened while the kittens were in her care.

I really wanted to scream and shout, "you didn't even realise one of the cats wasn't cleaning himself and had advanced periodontal disease!" and "you told us boy cat had diarrhoea but it was to be expected, and now it's apparent that he's not always aware when he's pooing!"

I didn't, I just said I'd like to communicate via the rescue alone now.

Now all I can think is how much behaviour she just didn't see. What the cats might have eaten at her house but no one noticed.

I know I need to let go. These cats will no longer be my responsibility.

But I just worry who's going to end up with them, are they also going to ignore the cats dental health and let them eat whatever, which may be fine but may also not be.

I can't give the cats a safe and free to roam home. I can't go back on this decision. But I am so bloody worried about them.

She also sent a final message saying "I hope your kids aren't too upset" and that really wound me up.

Our kids are really sad. But we would never have taken cats on if we knew one of them was incontinent and the others couldn't be around kid's toys in case they ate them.

I hope you are ok OP. Some people have been a little rude to you and your family. I don’t think you could have done much more for these cats. It was ok for me having my 3 chaos goblins creating havoc in my house as it was only me living there. They weren’t incontinent and didn’t have any heath issues. I still think cats chewing stuff is very unusual. We all know they will take a chomp at plants at times but it is unusual for them to be chewing and eating stuff like a puppy. In fact my puppy never chewed as much as your cats!

You need to stop beating yourself up and going over “what if” scenarios in your head. It’s not helping you or the cats.

This may not go do well on here, but it may well be the case that none of these issues showed themselves in foster. Swollen gums and messy eating are both typical signs of teething in cats, and they may not have messed outside the litter tray there either.

That’s not to say that this is your fault, but cats are very sensitive to their environments and if they’re not used to living in a busy family home with children then their behaviour could have been a sign of stress and overwhelm, as well as medical issues.

But I just worry who's going to end up with them, are they also going to ignore the cats dental health and let them eat whatever, which may be fine but may also not be.

There are people who ask shelters which of their animals are most in need of special care/least likely to be chosen by anyone else. I know someone who's a retired nurse and whose children are grown up now who does this. She takes home the sickest cat in the place, lavishes care on it, is totally on top of anything medical the cat needs - special diets, regular injections, whatever - doesn't mind extra cleaning if there are sickness or continence issues because she doesn't have young children or other animals to think of, and gives poorly animals a great life until they die. And then she goes back to the shelter and chooses the next one. I'm not saying your kittens are on the way out, far from it, but please be reassured that there are people out there whose lifestyle will be able to accommodate their needs, whereas yours doesn't at the moment.

Thank you for the supportive comments. I'm not beating myself up at the moment. I'm just angry. I don't know know why but those messages really peeved me off.

That's true, messy eating and swollen gums do come with teething. I'm basing it on the shock of the vets from both practices when they peeled back the gums at the extent of the disease and the fact we noticed on day 2 that the cat wasn't cleaning himself (food and poo left in fur).

The foster home was a busy environment with 8 children and somewhere between 11 and 16 cats at any time.

I was worried out cats were stressed, especially with being in one room after having the run of the house, so rang the Cats Protection Advice Line. They asked if the cats were hiding and whether they were eating a healthy amount and playing happily, and then concluded they weren't stressed. They said we had the ideal home for cats but we just needed to make sure anything chewable wasn't left out. Which, is proving very hard.

I really hope they find an owner like this. That is reassuring that you know someone like that, thank you.

You keep asking for practical advice….
put shoes away in a shoe cupboard like this…https://dusk.com/products/poppy-shoe-cabinet-forest-green?variant=54952412905850&gad_source=1&gbraid=0AAAAADNOeOXdC4lMvHnfoMttzFRFzYvb1&gclid=CjwKCAjw--K_BhB5EiwAuwYoyimPvHUFa-cfubc01hgIMVF4ltRbkGA_RR6jHF6ZcU_U_2iq9-cnIRoCCDkQAvD_BwE
you let the kids play all they want in their rooms, they can get as many toys as they want out. It keeps downstairs lovely and tidy tbh I thought most people did this anyway.

you take the kittens out in the garden for 20mins twice a day and have two separate playing sessions of 10mind each with wand toys.

buy cat safe twigs from places like pets at home for the kittens to chew and grow a tub of cat grass.

The Fosterer clearly wants to lay the blame at your feet. I mentioned my adopted cat previously and when we went to adopt all the facts came out! Ours is quite decent at cleaning herself although very random. She was supposed to not like being brushed but actually she adores it. One thing we did learn was that she likes eating plastic bags. Those are an awful lot easier to keep out of reach than kids toys. It sounds like the kittens needed a home with no children in it and a whole load of other requirements. One thing Battersea did realise is that cat food with grains in gave out cat an upset stomach which was sorted once they went on to Purina. If the boy cat is pooing it could be a diet issue but the fosterer should have noticed! More importantly though... Our cat has lived with us nearly two years and still enjoys chewing the odd plastic bag or hair tie. The chewing isn't going to go away anytime soon. It's definitely not your fault though.

I feel for you. we got kittens from a lady who had cats. Mom was feral and hissy and scratchy. one kitten the boy was super friendly mainly the reason we got them brother and sister pair. Sister has been hard work but after 8 weeks we are at her climbing on my knee. Our previous rescue cats had dental issues never mentioned at RSPCA.

I think it's wrong the fosterer is blaming you. often they seem economical with truth. our kittens have not been easy. They came with fleas. I think if I was you I'd take them back. don't beat yourself up. rescue animals are always tougher.

The issue seems to be that the kittens have health issues. One of our cats became incontinent- but not until he was 19.We had a pair of young kittens when dc were 5 and 3. No issues whatsoever with toys etc, but paper and card....... Many a tear over a ruined card from school.

Had a single kitten last year and again, other than trying to climb everything and get out of high windows, no issues. Even those were solved once we let him outside.

The thing that so many people seem to be ignoring is that these aren’t tiny kittens. It’s like talking about toddler-proofing a house when you will have a 12 year old come to stay.

Three 8 month old kittens are still going to be pretty chaotic, though Our youngest cat is two now but he was still climbing the curtains and generally being an idiot up until 12 months of age (ish). Three together is going to even worse as they feed off each other!

Eight kids and a dozen plus cats? No wonder the foster carer didn't notice anything was amiss!

Thank you. That is very practical advice but won't work for us.

we have 2 kittens and 3 litter trays. we had some vomiting and we think it's the female. she like yours was on of 5 - 2 stillborn, one eaten by fox and these two. I think she's a runt . can't be neutered till grown a bit. male neutered today. I was so stressed by themss was OH we were ready to give back
I couldn't have put upwith what you have. Strangely the vet said "how are you "coping with kittens" on first visit. prob thought way too old to take on youngsters. hugs coming your way.xx

I don't think dropping poo nuggets without realising is a symptom of stress?

yup I know online a couple of people who do this.

Incontinence can absolutely be a symptom of stress in animals.

I’ve only had one incontinent cat. I was a rescue that ultimately had bowel cancer and we had to PTS.
I’ve had a lot of cats.
This situation isn’t normal at all.

incontinence yes absolutely but not pooing unaware

What's the difference?

a human (or animal) can be incontinent but know that they have lost control of bowel/bladder, can feel the poo/wee coming out but not be able to control it. When poo nuggets fall out without the animal/ person being aware its usually a neurological issue of some kind.

Unless the cat can speak English, we don't know whether he's aware or not, lol.

I'm not saying this isn't a medical issue, btw, just that the behaviour could also not be helped by stress. If both adults in the house are stressed and upset, the cats will absolutely be picking up on that.