Returning new kittens - why didn't this work?

[FindingTheBalance]

This morning my husband and I had a long discussion and the conclusion is that our 8 month old kittens, who joined us five weeks ago, have to go back to the rescue. 😫

I feel really flat. And also confused how other families have kittens and kids at the same time.

Our kids aren't really young. They're 7 and 9 but they still have toys. The last five weeks has involved cats chewing houseplants, toys, one eating Lego, cats chewing the kids shoes, cats chewing the kids blankets and clothes. No matter how often I ask the kids to tidy stuff away they forget and leave stuff out.

Our kittens do have periodontal disease, which may explain the chewing, but reading online it sounds like the majority of rescue cats have this.

One is slightly incontinent too and often doesn't know he's goings (mostly poo but if we let him on the sofa wee stains appear too.).

My husband has rightly pointed out we can't have poo and wee everywhere and that the surfaces are covered in cat litter dust. The cats drop their food everywhere when eating probably because of the dental disease. They're restricted to one room because they chew everything.

Over five weeks I've done numerous vet visits, bought everything going to help tackle the dental disease, read and read and read cat forums for advice. My husband says it's taken over my life and I'm neglecting the kids, him, my health and the house. He's not wrong, it's like making the cat situation work has become an obsession for me.

So that's that. It's not working. But I don't get how others get it to work.

You've done your best! This kind of behaviour in my experience is far off normal- kittens are not that much 'hard work', the chewing and incontinence sounds quite unmanageable.

You’ve had them for 5 weeks - if you’re going to take them back you need to do it now while they have a better chance of being rehomed.
Sometimes it doesn’t work and it sounds like you are not a good fit for them as their needs are not being met. Kittens shouldn’t be kept in one room.
Peridontal disease often happens after they’ve had cat flu as young kittens and there isn’t much you can do about it - sometimes they need to have some teeth removed. Kittens teethe anyway - they won’t have all their adult teeth yet.
i used to volunteer at a cat rescue and have rescue cats some of which have peridontal disease, it’s a long lasting condition.

I can’t edit this for some reason - but I’ll add, it isn’t your fault, you have tried your best, but they need to go back asap and have a home that can cope with them and give them the space and stimulation they need.
You might find an older rescue cat a much better fit for you. X

@FindingTheBalance I think you've already reached the conclusion, but these are not the right cats for your household. That doesn't mean to say (like some posters have suggested) that you aren't fit to own so much as a stick insect ever again. One of the reasons why people should adopt from a reputable rescue, as you have, is precisely so if/when things do go tits up, you have their back up. I do feel like they've let you down a bit - the dental disease going unnoticed by their vet checks and also rehoming 3 together, before you even consider the fact they were hand reared and the health/behavioural complications that can bring. There's no way you can keep 3 young cats adequately stimulated in a single room. I would work with the rescue, lay the issues down clearly that you've had, so that they can find a home who can suitably meet their needs and allow them to thrive in an environment that's safe for them.

It sounds like maybe a single (or pair) of slightly older (2-4+ years old maybe?) cats may be a better fit for your family.

Yes, that is probably right, we're just not the right home for the cats and we can't give them the safe cat proof home they need. It's really flipping depressing but it is the truth.

All the best with your kitten.

Yes, I keep stubbornly fighting that thought but you and others are right, we're not right home for these cats.

We have weirdly enough had stick insects successfully before. And rats, and a leopard gecko and one single adult cat. Everything worked fine, although my son did get bored of the stick insects after one day and they very much became my stick insects for the remaining 356 days of their life.

My husband said to me last night that this whole experience has shown him he's not a pet person, which is a shock. He likes his house animal free. I'm hoping he'll reconsider but I think that might be it for pets for a while at least.

Thank you. They're due back at the rescue in Saturday.

I think the rescue place needs to take some responsibility for that. It’s their dishonesty about the animals health that presumably at least in part led to OP taking them

If my DH said he wasn’t a pet person that would be a deal breaker and he’d be out lol. Pets make a home and are good for children.

I hate people like you.. just bin it, don't fix it. But in your case for the cats own wellbeing give them up! NOW!

That's a strange and vast jump from my kids being free to use the space at home to play, and being able to think of things apart from what the cats are doing (man, I wish I had their healthy non-neurotic minds!) to me not teaching them social skills and expecting schools to do it.

School have never mentioned an inability to tidy up nor cooperate with others. One of my children is ND and the other may be, but they have the social skills that work for them and their "probably also ND" friends, and the other child goes out of her way to help others.

They really are just being typical 7 and 9 year olds. I've sat down to talk about this with my husband again this morning and we've realise that even if we secured every possession we own in cat proof boxes, our children just don't play in a way that is cat safe for cats who may chew. Their imaginations are wild and they are a bit like a whirlwind through the house, starting one make believe game, which then morphs into another, then something else. Toys get left out, shoes get taken off as required to come into the house, but not taken through to the porch, because they've run off to the dressing up box, or they're just going to get a toy they need for the outdoor game but then they get distracted by something else. But even setting up a game in one room, they'll at some point likely have their back turned and a cat free roaming could easily get to a toy. Which was ok with a cat that wouldn't potentially chew and eat the toy but obviously isn't safe with cats that do.

When we get to the end of the day they're more than capable, maybe with a bit of grumbling, to tidy up their toys when we say it's time before bed.

I will sit and watch them play when I can, and join in if they want me to, but I just can't watch them and the cats 24/7 because I have a house to run and sometimes WFH to do. My husband asked me this morning, "are you ever going to be able to just relax or will you be worrying that the cats have got to something they shouldn't?" And I don't think I will be.

I saw that article about the kitten eating a nerf dart and requiring surgery and thought, "yep, that could definitely happen in this house". I don't know where every toy is at any one point, evidenced by finding a pair of Barbie doll sunglasses in the cat tree on Monday morning. My husband even left a knife and pastry brush out on the draining board last night, which to me is absolute madness in a room with three cats which chew things. But he's an adult and didn't even think of that let alone a kid. He doesn't want me nagging the kids all the time. He rightly said this morning, "they have beautiful imaginations and play like kids should, I don't want to squash that down on them."

One cat started nibbling the plastic cover of my library book yesterday evening. I had a massive 3 cat pile on on my lap for attention. We had strokes and kind words and it was lovely. But then one of them tried to pull a bit off of the plastic cover on the library book lying next to me. They're always trying to chew. I think it's just how these cats are. They also want to play and explore. They're like another three of my children, except my kids know not to chew or eat random objects and these cats don't.

Keeping the cats in was not working in this situation but I see these poor cats are going back to the rescue now, anyway. Hopefully they will find a new home, happy home together very soon.

Ok, then give me the solution. How do I keep these cats safe?

That's a lovely story and I'm really sorry to hear how it ended. We found out last cat dead on our patio and it was so, so horrible. My kids were devastated and they still cry over her, so you're right, I don't think they'll ever forget her. Nor these kittens.

We've sat and talked with them about trying to provide the right home for the kittens. They've apologised and said they'll try harder not to leave doors open or stuff out. Someone above said to make sure we're not putting too much pressure on our kids to not be kids and to explain that the cats chewing isn't their fault. I'm hoping we can help them understand we're not providing the home the cats needs but that someone else can.

Possibly. So far I've been watching behaviourists' online videos with suggestions on chewing, hence the dog chews and toothbrushes. I don't think we're keeping the cats now, but if we do, I'll ask an behaviourist.

Thank you, that's all great cat advice.

One vet suspects calcivirus. But said the testing is unreliable with false negatives likely. And it's not curable so there's not much point having a test result if it's just a case of managing the symptoms anyway.

These are the kind of posts that inspire threads about how nasty MN has become.

Yes, it was a joint decision to get the cats. But he like me did not realise it would be like this.

I realise, you're the same person who I replied to above. My kids don't just pick up one toy and then play with it. They pick up loads of toys, make a game out of them, set up a scene, run off to get more toys for the scene. I don't know of any kids, except toddlers, who just play with one toy then put it away.

I've been thinking of every friends home I know where they have kids then same age as ours and cats. Every home has toys out to a certain extent. One has a dolls house on the side full of little toys and very much cat accessible. One has clutter on every surface. But their cats aren't chewers. That's the difference.

The rescue have offered to give specific advice. I did ask about the chewing and was told some cats do, and they have to keep items away from those cats. I can't work out how to do that.

Kittens are incredibly hard work. Because they are so cute, I think it often gets overlooked until the reality kicks in at home. They do chew things, especially hair while you’re sleeping! They climb the curtains, they get into everything they’re not supposed to be in, having more than one together means they have a partner in crime. They may also be poorly socialised if they’ve come from a rescue. Ultimately, they’re just babies, and they need the time and attention a baby would.
The only parts of your post that would cause me significant concern would be the incontinence and the gum disease.
Ive had cats my whole life, including many kittens, always rescue cats and I’ve never had gum disease in a young cat before so I wouldn’t accept that it was ‘just one of those things’.
what is their history? When were they separated from their mother? Have they been spayed / neutered? What support is the rescue offering you?
five weeks is still very early in cat ownership. Have you had cats or kittens before?

Thank you for making me feel less like a monster.

My mum said the same thing. That they always had cats growing up but that they were farm cats that very much lived outside. My mum would sneak them into the house and be told by my gran that houses are not the place for cats. I should have listened to my gran 😂. I'm joking, I know houses can be perfect environments for cats, but this house is not one of them

They were hand reared as mum came into the rescue pregnant with another litter. They really struggled to survive with foster carers providing around the clock care to keep them alive. Four of their siblings died.

Yes, spayed and neutered.

They have offered advice whenever we need it.

Yes, but only once. She was an adult cats aged 7 when we adopted her.

It’s not your house, I commented earlier up the thread, we have a kitten and 3 children, we’ve had her for 3 weeks now and she came to us litter trained, she scratches and plucks the furniture and chews a few house plants but apart from that it’s been easy. I’m sorry to say these kittens aren’t right and you should never have been encouraging to take 3! I think you have to return them but don’t let this put you off getting another, you’ve done nothing wrong, sounds like you’ve tried everything to make it work.

I think it would be best to not get any other pet after you have returned the kittens. A grown up cat or other pet can get ill - I had a cat that regularly had violent diarrhea multiple times a day for the last 10 months of her life which meant that I had to clean the entire bathroom multiple times a day. It doesn’t sound as if you would be able to deal with something like this but pets can and do get sick.
So please do not get any other pet.

RTFT, she had a cat for years that they sadly lost. She’s more than capable of looking after a pet.