Returning new kittens - why didn't this work?

[FindingTheBalance]

This morning my husband and I had a long discussion and the conclusion is that our 8 month old kittens, who joined us five weeks ago, have to go back to the rescue. 😫

I feel really flat. And also confused how other families have kittens and kids at the same time.

Our kids aren't really young. They're 7 and 9 but they still have toys. The last five weeks has involved cats chewing houseplants, toys, one eating Lego, cats chewing the kids shoes, cats chewing the kids blankets and clothes. No matter how often I ask the kids to tidy stuff away they forget and leave stuff out.

Our kittens do have periodontal disease, which may explain the chewing, but reading online it sounds like the majority of rescue cats have this.

One is slightly incontinent too and often doesn't know he's goings (mostly poo but if we let him on the sofa wee stains appear too.).

My husband has rightly pointed out we can't have poo and wee everywhere and that the surfaces are covered in cat litter dust. The cats drop their food everywhere when eating probably because of the dental disease. They're restricted to one room because they chew everything.

Over five weeks I've done numerous vet visits, bought everything going to help tackle the dental disease, read and read and read cat forums for advice. My husband says it's taken over my life and I'm neglecting the kids, him, my health and the house. He's not wrong, it's like making the cat situation work has become an obsession for me.

So that's that. It's not working. But I don't get how others get it to work.

That’s good news. There does need to be a balance. They will find the right home for them.

Yes. But these kittens are 8 months old, not tiny 10 week old babies. My girl at 8 months was like a lively adult cat. She wasn’t climbing the curtains and she certainly wasn’t shitting all over the place.

Actually if you read her updates, her husband has made it clear that he doesn’t think he can handle any other pets.

I can't keep track of all the posts so I'm sorry if I've missed replying to some.

I've just scrolled up and found solutions about trying raw meat diets only and adding more litter trays to combat the pooing. Those are both good suggestions, so thank you for sharing.

Boy cat doesn't seem aware that he's leaving poo nuggets (they're more pea sized) around. He has dropped them while completing chilled out on me and making biscuits. The rescue are going to investigate futher. I think when he relaxed the poo comes out so maybe a sphincter issue? I don't think he's constipated.

I remember seeing someone asking if we got them from Battersea and I just wanted to say, no, they did not come from Battersea.

I also promised my husband I would not focus exclusively on the cats today and I would get on with other responsibilities. So I will go do that.

This has helped me talking through the problems. I think we'll still keep the appointment with the rescue on Saturday, because we are not currently meeting the cats' needs, but it's helpful to have thought through everything I need to tell them. Thank you.

I really appreciate you defending me, thank you. We did have a cat previously.

But @Mia184 may also have a point. We didn't get as far as our last cat being elderly before she died. I don't think we would have been able to cope with 10 months of diarrhoea around the house. Especially not with children. My husband would probably have moved out and I would have cried for most of those 10 months.

We have had smaller animals through their whole lifespan though and dealt with diarrhea and daily medications and the pain of deciding with the PTS. Just not all over the house. So the don't get any other pet, may be a bit dramatic.

This absolutely.

My husband always says things like that, I just ignore him. House isn’t a home without a pet in my opinion 🙂

Did you miss the part where he’s currently not wanting to come in the house in the evenings and is spending 10-15 minutes sat in his car because of these cats?

I’m not sure advice of “just ignore him and get one anyway” is very helpful.

Well exactly. Imagine it was the other way round and the husband ignoring OP and getting a pet anyway. She’d be told to LTB.

Mind you I’m more with OP’s husband on pets anyway. Most pet owners don’t realise their houses are dirty and smell. I am same with pets as some childfree people are with kids. Like other people’s in small doses, no desire to have my own.

But that’s specific to these 3 cats, he probably didn’t do that when they had their previous cat and small pets, expect he’s been put off by this bad experience.

I'm being lighthearted about my husband obviously, he’s terrified of snakes so alas we can never have a snake. He loves animals, wouldn’t have married him if he didn’t.

What the pp describes is extreme and something most pet owners would struggle with. In fact, I would go so far as to wonder if letting an elderly and/or poorly cat have violent diarrhoea daily for 10 months is very kind. Perhaps it's the pp who should never get another pet.

Honestly, OP, you, your family, your home... none of them are the problem.

Yes noted they are 8 months. It is really old to not be litter trained - were they litter trained before they joined you?
if I’ve understood, you have three - is that right?
it’s a lot. A lot with health problems. We adopted three 18 month old cats together last year (because I’m a sucker for a sad cat story) and, although they are older and litter trained and don’t chew things, they are A Lot. One of them carries my daughters stuffed toys around like prey it’s caught, along with bringing in the prey it’s caught outside (which is very displeasing frankly). One of them stays out until 2am, so I’m up and down all night waiting for her to get home so I can lock the window and keep them all in safe. One of them is huge with killer claws and I’m a little worried he’s going to rip our carrier box apart. All three of them eat the same food and they are super messy eaters, so I feed them on a hard floor and sweep a lot.
when they first came, I set up litter trays with different types of litter to see what they preferred and now have three trays dotted around the house - and these mats from pets at home that are supposed to catch the litter as they step out. I’ve a mix of open and closed trays and they like the hooded one best.
what I’m saying is, is that cat ownership is hard. It’s easier eventually than dogs but it’s not easy. Adult cats are much easier, but they do have established behaviour which may not be compatible with family life (I suspect one of my boys would prefer a child free home, possibly because he came from a home with many children, but my daughter is relatively quiet and gentle so he has accepted her - hides if anyone else comes over though).
your three are not typical kittens, as well as all the usual cat behaviour you also have health problems.
you need a serious discussion with your vet - how many cats have gum disease? Do they all chew?
I will say that I had a cat who chewed my hair while I slept for his whole life. I did not enjoy that and woke up many a time to my hair being hooked out from under the duvet (I eventually tied it up overnight).
some things about cat ownership you just accept because you love them.
soiling in the house though, that I absolutely wouldn’t accept and I’d be camped out at the vets. Sorry if I’ve missed it but are they insured?

Yes, all litter trained and they still are. Boy cat doesn't appear to know when he lets these poo nuggets slip out. He will still use the litter trays when he feels the urge.

Yes, there's three of them.

Our previous cat would regularly bring mice in. And occasionally stay out late despite having her food at the same time each day. I can relate to that.

I bought those litter tray mats from Pets and Home this week. It has contained to a certain degree as has changing the litter.

I have spoken to four different vets from two different practises. All three cats have gum disease. Two of the three have been caught chewing (both the girls) who randomly have the gum disease to a lesser extent. The boy cat who had the operation because the gum disease was so progressed does not chew.

They were insured. It just ran out this week. But the insurance did not pay out for the operation because it was a pre-existing condition. The rescue paid for the operation. I was about to get new insurance but then we decided to give the kittens back to the rescue.

I want to accept it, it's driving me mad that I can't. But I keep coming up against the question of how do I keep these cats safe from not chewing and eating stuff they shouldn't and allow them free roam in my house, which I think they want to do, but still have two children who enjoy playing and will leave toys and shoes and food out, not because they're badly behaved but because they're children.

Randomly the poo situation isn't the one that's really phasing me. I clear it up when I find it every other day. Boy cat needs a vet investigation to rule out a health problem. My husband said that was the final straw, and logically he's correct, cat poo is not something you want around the home.

Potentially. I have an ex friend trained in animal care who let her dog have diarrhoea and accidents for 12 months, often getting annoyed with the dog for having the diarrhoea. I used to help her clear it up when I visited as she'd get so frustrated and upset by it. The dog also had dementia and very little idea where it was. But she didn't want to let the dog go. I guess knowing when the right time to say good bye is really hard.

I have to agree. It makes me sad but it's his home too. He's been very understanding and put himself out his comfort zone a lot over the last five weeks. He's also likely ND and just the changes to the house layout and loss of comforts like curtains completely unnerved him. But he's been amazing and pushed through.

He did end up loving our other cat. It took a while to adjust but she brought him a lot of comfort and him her, especially when I was away. He was saying this morning how much he wished she was still with us and how much he misses her. But she was just one cat, not cats in general, and I think we were just very lucky that it worked.

He even embraced the rats when I moved in with him 13 odd years ago, with two of them in a cage on his dining table. We had 11 in total over the years, mostly mine but one of them became his favourite and would sit on his shoulder/in his hoodie while he gamed.

He's been so understanding but today, and in recent discussions, he's just spoke his mind and that's ok. Maybe one day in the future we'll readdress having pets (not cats, don't worry) but right now he just wants his life back.

I actually went to the vet very regularly and Bonnie otherwise had a very good quality of life. If my vet had recommended putting Bonnie to sleep at an earlier date, I would have told her to do so. But Bonnie was fine and her weight was stable. Her blood examinations never revealed any possible cause.
She had been dumped outside after her owner had died and was homeless for two years at an elderly age with ear infections but without any teeth. The picture shows her a few weeks before she was pts.
I heed my vets advice and care about cats at all times including when they are sick and look after them properly- I think that makes me a good cat owner!
Edited to write “at an earlier date”

Of course OP, you know your husband better than anyone so you have to do what’s right for your family. I was just being silly (kind of) about ignoring my husband but realise that’s not what you want or need right now so I apologise.

I suppose the point I was trying to make is don’t let this put you off, cats are lovely creatures and it’s not at all unusual to have a good relationship with them like your husband did previously.

My husband (and me!) would not be able to cope with the 3 cats you now have, I’ve never rehomed an animal so don’t get me wrong, I’m not blasé about it, but I would have to had to sent them back by now as well.

No need to apologise, at all. I sort of agree to an extent. I grew up without pets and was desperate for one. My kids also want pets. I household without pets does feel like it's missing something. It's hard balancing everyone's needs.

I just worry my husband comes across badly in all this and he's actually been really supportive despite me being quite an inattentive wife and mum this last month going a bit cat crazy. He's been really understanding and really tried to overcome his discomfort to make this work. But he's also been honest and this has put him off future pets. I hope this is temporary and with a bit of research we can work out how to sensibly have pets as a family. But I'm going to give him time to recover from this first.

I think he's been the voice of reason tbh. It's a shame this has put him off pets, though understandable, but it really isn't usually like this, even with kittens, even ones that have had a bad start in life. Perhaps after a break everyone will feel like trying again, if that's what you want.

Yes, I agree with you really but can’t see any other solution to keeping them and feel so sad for @FindingTheBalance as giving them back to the rescue is probably her only option. I don’t think she should be put off cat ownership for ever though. An older cat, bonded pair or healthy kitten/s from a recognised breeder would likely work out fine and I do think children benefit from being brought up with pets.

I went into cat ownership blindly. Having been a dog owner all my life I took an almost 2 year old cat after a family member passed away. I knew nothing about cats, did no research, my heart said take her and I did. I know a lot about cats now and have since got a kitten but it I’m well aware it was more luck than good judgement that it all worked out.

I have had cats all my life. I have never had these issues. They do chew cables (phone chargers particularly) when they are little, but no as old as yours are.
Definitely something not right 😒

The insurance thing you mentioned earlier could end up being a costly issue. If you get insurance now it won’t cover the problems they currently have, which potentially could mean large vets bills long term for the dental problems and incontinence.

I had a dog from a rescue centre for a very short time before taking it back because of all the medical issues that I wasnt told about, as well as the behavioural problems it had (again not told about), I don’t think that makes me unsuitable to have pets (the very spoiled and loved pets I have certainly wouldn’t agree!) I just couldn’t afford/tolerate those issues.

You have tried your best and I’m sure the right pet will come your way in the future. Don’t feel guilty.

Hi OP this post wasn’t directed at to, it was just a quote fail response to a PP, which is why I started off by saying it wasn’t helpful for the OP as we had very different views.

I stand by my post, but wasn’t suggesting anything about you, or what your views on school are etc, I have no idea.

Maybe just stick to the stick insects ( that you successfully kept) - but only those if the children are finally old enough to look after them. Pets are an enormous commitment which requires full family on board wholeheartedly. It’s an enormous leap from successfully caring for a stick insect and a rat; (and an adult cat which didn’t live to old age ) to taking on cute fluffy bundles - regardless of their health or temperament. If your tolerance level for issues or anxiety is 5 weeks , and your husband’s even significantly less , then please don’t gamble on any larger pets. Pets that have to be returned to be rehomed are significantly less likely to find homes for obvious reasons. ( older, people are suspicious of why they were rejected etc).