Ollie, Prince, Leroy, Walter and Co...

[coastergirl]

We were out of space so I thought I'd do the honours

Mrs Grumpy suggested leaving the front door open this morning so Lenny could come in from the snow when he wanted. 😮
Lenny stayed out for over an hour. Karl went out and was back in within 5 minutes.

@TheShellBeach - Did the house pass inspection?

@Allergictoironing - Sympathies - Leroy does that every night. No oriental in him, he's just an arse 🤷🏼‍♀️

Dave the cat is coming to England so the men's football team are coming back with something:

www.bbc.co.uk/news/newsbeat-63943662

Not a football fan but definitely a cat fan.
RESULT!!

I actually used to do this (keep the window open for the cat) until I got old myself, and started to feel the cold more.

Nowadays they have to ask, and I have to check every so often to see if they're back on the window ledge, waiting to be readmitted to the house.

Did the house pass inspection?

Well, it took her a long time to come back which irritated the fuck out of the man who was putting in the new shower.

I assume she was satisfied with what she found. She was under the foundations for two hours while I sat in the bathroom, shaking bags of treats and listening to plaintive "come and rescue me" miaows.

I was just about to insist that DH should be proactive, and lower himself under the house, too, when she returned.

Good timez.

The real trophy 🏆 has arrived in 🇬🇧

www.bbc.co.uk/news/newsbeat-63943662

Can I ask your opinions on a non cat related issue because I don't want to go on AIBU?
So four years ago DD1 was pregnant and despite children's services being involved, made little or no effort to moderate her behaviour and continued to run off, get drunk, be aggressive etc. Baby was taken into care at 24 hours old and subsequently adopted 18 months later after DD continued with the same behaviours, although she did attend most - not all - contact sessions. I had brought the majority of baby equipment and clothes - far more than baby would have needed if she had come home. Went a bit mad actually as my two are adopted themselves so I'd never had that chance to shop for a baby. It has all been stored in the spare room since. DD1 has also borrowed quite a bit of money from me and dumped her dog and a cat on me.
Now DD2 is pregnant. Again children's services have some concerns because of past behaviour and mental health problems but DD2 is making huge efforts and doing really well, and it looks more positive with regard to this little one staying.
My finances are tighter than they were then so I don't have the funds to buy it all again and even if I was in a position to, I'd be wary about buying a lot of new stuff given what happened last time. I think DD2 should be able to use what was bought for DD1's baby but DD1 is going mad, saying they were bought for her daughter and that she's coming to take them back. I can understand how painful this must be for her and guess she is probably very jealous, but there is no willingness to understand why I can't buy it all again, or that this is her sister, not a stranger who needs help, and I can see a real rift developing between my daughters over this with me in the middle.
Both were/will be teenage single mums, no jobs, little money.
Anyone have any thoughts?

I know I'm going to sound a bit blunt here, but IMO DD1 lost the right to dictate what happens to the equipment & clothes when she behaved in a way that meant her child was taken away from her and adopted. It's not like they will go to her child because a) child is no longer a baby and b) child lives with her adoptive parents anyway.

I would view it as you bought the stuff for use by grandchildren - whichever one(s) happened to be living or staying under your roof at the time. I know in almost every family I know, children get hand me downs from older sibling & the same kit e.g. beds, bottles, clothing and so on went through all 4 of my nephews. Gifts I gave the eldest I would see being used by the younger ones over time as one grew out of them and another in to them, and there was rarely any possessiveness among the boys for that kind of thing either.

She will probably be tangled up in so many conflicting emotions that she can't (and won't) think rationally. Guilt, defiance, jealousy, wanting to be the only really important one. Missing her child but at the same time relieved to no longer have that responsibility - leading to yet more internalised guilt for feeling that relief.

I can see why you don't want to upset her, I've read enough here to know she can be a bit wayward and fragile at the same time. But to be blunt again, she's sort of had her share of time, money and consideration and now it's DD2's turn to get the help she needs.

But in the long run, I think DD2 needs to be involved in this. If DD2 would rather go without these things to keep in with her sister, that must be her choice and equally she is willing to risk a break with her sister due to need then again her decision.

Oh gods that was long, sorry!

Without knowing your family dynamic, my immediate thought is that these items are no longer of any use to your DD1, so why does she want them? Sentimental reasons, to sell them, or to stop them going to DD2's baby? Has she expressed a wish to have them before?
In terms of need, obviously DD2 should get them.
My only suggestion would be to ask if there is a compromise position available, i.e. suggest that DD1 selects and keeps 1 or 2 items, but accepts the rest goes to DD2?
Not sure if this is helpful, just a thought.

Dd1’s in pain and not making sense. Inevitably, but that doesn’t mean anyone else needs to be irrational or lose out. Life won’t improve for anyone if you go the way she wants.

DD1’s pain won’t go away with a Facebook baby bundle on quick sale. You all know this. DD1 knows this. It’s horrible. But the planet keeps on turning for us all. A new baby is on way. Good news. DD1 will go through the grief and eventually move on.

If I were you, I couldn’t do what DD1 wants. I would tell DD1 that when she has her own baby to look after, of course she gets new baby stuff. Meantime, what you’ve got will be ancient/out of fashion by then and it’s off to DD2 for DD1’s neice or nephew. Ask DD2 to pick out what she wants, which handily shares responsibility between you.

Charities are falling over themselves to kit out new mothers, so maybe take advantage of that too. Benefits are pretty generous in comparison to most other UC payments, but don’t spend any of it till you’ve shopped for free at a dedicated centre.

It’s telling DD1 hasn’t had another child. In a good way. She could progress farther by accepting the existence of DN or DNephew. No one can make that choice for her, but you can encourage her sloowly to look forward to a new relation.

If she’d kept the baby the clothes would’ve been passed to DD2 baby surely? The four year old won’t need them that’s for sure.

You can’t afford to do it all again is the bottom line.

I'm with Grumpy - and, also, a bit wary that DD1 might get pregnant again...

I'm also cynical because I'd have sold them by now, to be honest.

Me with Grumpy too - symbolic tokens kept, rest to DD2. Fluffy’s right - be firm about inability to repurchase.

If DD1 does get pregnant again, I’m not sure she’ll want baby stuff for a child she taken away.

I agree with Grumpy too.
Let DD1 choose a few special things as a memory of her baby and then let DD2 have the rest.

But I do wholeheartedly appreciate that it’s a lot easier to say than to do.

Thank you guys. I knew you'd be impartial in a way that friends anð family aren't but you've echoed what I was thinking.
Dd1 wanted them for entimental reasons, I think Grumpy, but also to be kept for her future children. I fully expected Dd1 to get pregnant again but she's in a very volatile relationship and living in a caravan and I suspect even she realises it would be likely mean she couldn't keep the baby.
I suspect the bottom.line is that as siblings they always had to compete for the limited food, birth parents attention or whatever, and while in some respects they had to stick together and look out for each other, underneath there was a deep rivalry. This may well damage their relationship beyond repair but it wasn't a very healthy relationship anyway.
Cats are so much simpler (sigh).

Of course it’s fiddly - cheer up Paper, families are. Don’t even start with gifts. Emotional doesn’t cover it.

I really, really hope no one IRL ever reads this. Aged 24 and 21 at Xmas and both drunk, DBro and I engaged in lively debate over who had the best Xmas presents. A cherished festive tradition that had lasted 21 years, it usually ended with me hitting him with a pillow and running away in triumph.

That year he cuffed me back and I dodged, slipped & landed at the bottom of the stairs, spreadeagled and winded, as the aunts and uncles all walked in for Xmas tea. DBro ran downstairs to greet them spraying feathers and screaming.

DM showed them hastily into the kitchen where the cat sat in the centre of the laden table, thoughtfully licking Marmite off the twiglets.

Making memories, eh. DDs will probably get over it faster than you will. Siblings have their own rules. Look after your nerves - that matters most.

Cats do like twiglets ime. I think it’s the salt.

I could share my former mil text messages to me since I was widowed 😂, you wouldn’t feel half so bad then. I could block her but I have to keep the rest of the family supplied with entertainment & when I had her blocked in August she never realised. Some people are no fun.

Don’t think I’m getting a Christmas card this year. If I do I’m getting it scanned for anthrax.

Mad for Marmite they are, Prince is learning to love it now.

Sometimes I think the only solution to relations is becoming a hermit. Let us know if that caravan is ever vacated, Paper. I’ll put the tea on the stove if I get there first, Fluffy.

I'm glad it's not just me!
Dd1 has sent me a photo of boyfriend with what looks like liberally applied purple eyeshadow, saying he had been attacked so could they have money to get to hospital as he might have a bleed on the brain.
Being the cynical sort I refused to shell out, and couldn't resist adding it was a shame she wasn't as bothered about my brain tumour (beat that boyfriend!) and sending her a pic of Boy George resplendent in purple eyeshadow saying spot the difference between boyfriend and an 80s pop star.
She asked if I was taking the piss.
No, Dd1, not at all! 😂

Head pathology Top Trumps 😃 requires more than one player. No dice supplied.

Every year we get a Xmas card here to people we don’t know, the first one ever said “Found you”. We’re the first owners of this house. I wish they’d put a sodding return address on it.

You might get whisky one year Fluffy. You never know.

I found £1 in the street today, it happens. Unreasonably thrilled. A shiny gold sovereign! From a very Scrooge England.

Just adding my sympathies for your situation papergirl1968. It must be very hard for DD1 to give up the baby stuff but DD2 really needs it. Reading other threads on MN, it seems to happen very often, even without the added complications of your daughters' early lives pre adoption. You are so supportive to them and how resourceful you are. It will be like you taking in the dog - eventually you seem to have achieved some sort of a modus vivendi.