The adventures of Newerboy

[Lanaorana2]

I've got a Siamese cat. He was abandoned by his owner and is living in state - three nests made by neighbours - in our garden. He is absolutely beautiful, aged 11, and a white/cream colour, brown eyes I think. So far we have blinked at each other, me flat on face behind bush in garden.

The lady who feeds him is going away for 6 weeks. She is in a royal state of anxiety so I stepped in. Have been trained to do the feeding, leg massage, etc.

His history is shameful. He has been coming to us for food for ages, finally taken to Battersea, where his so-called owner collected him in 90 minutes. Then left him to starve. So you see I can't not.

Any words of wisdom? I need them.

What happened? Is Neighbour not a fan?

Neighbour thought she was 32 and on holiday. She's about 86 so had to do some sorting out! Ollie is indifferent to anyone who isn't me, or cats protection woman

Blimey O that's a Xmas visit and a half. You must have needed a cuddle and a after that.

Obie should give Ollie a few lessons methinks ... He'd be a natural. And fat.

It's all go here. Mr C has been sick dreamies and made the carpet glow-in-the-dark. In 'sections'. Hmmm. has drunk a lot of cat milk but that's it.

The caretaker, who I bribed this am with a massive choc cake from Newerboy, has begged me to resume feeding duties. He told me that everyone in the flats heard me swearing when I fell over in the bushes. 'Don't you worry bout what they say bout you'

The flat isn't big enough to lay N's house out flat to stick it together. The vet's bill has arrived, and we are all lying down.

Well I finally found a bauble (unbroken) on the floor by the tree. Guess it comes down now?

Darling PB, I bet he wasn't allowed bauble jollity prior to this Xmas. Should be 12th night for the tree if you are a purist, ie night of 4 or 5 Jan.
Or just let PB dismantle it. :)

It is that time of the night again

What do they say about you?

We're probably given our characters.

He was offering moral support F - apparently shrieking 'fuck' while sailing through the undergrowth and emerging bleeding & looking literally like one had been dragged through a hedge backwards was not the impression I had earlier given to friends and neighbours.

It is a problem actually - me and caretaker basically can't get far enough into the bushes to deliver the food without NB having to move.

Normally he moves but for me he won't and now he won't for the caretaker. The caretaker told me not to try the bushes again for wh I am relieved as I honestly can't face falling like that again, I was lucky to get away with the odd bruise and scrape the first times.

What about one of those grabby sticks old people use for picking stuff up?.

I'd shout fuck if I fell into a bush.

I'd need one about 30 foot long. Thing is, the bushes are on a 3-ft ledge at the back corner of the garden and haven't been tended since 1924. NB's country residence is right at the back of the bushes, in them. and you have to get onto the ledge (I am bendy, this is fine even with LW AGAIL in my teeth) then crawl up the slope to the oldest tree, through brambles, etc, then past that and ring the doorbell.

There must be some way of getting food to him. Drone?

He could maybe get off his furry backside and walk to a convenient location to eat?
Otherwise a drone sounds perfect. Or maybe some sort of lash up.dumb waiter type system dangled from a balcony, if your flats have them?
I visited the M and S food hall today in search of venison. They didn't have any, but there were many wonderous comestibles. I will revisit for the £10 deal once the mountain of leftovers have been tackled!

Good grief they haven't made it easy for you have they?. What did his last custodian do to get food to him there?.

I expect the bauble fell off naturally, if it was still under the tree. It would have been battered around the room and smashed in a corner somewhere if there was any feline interference!

Have you seen the foxes, recently?

He definitely hasn't been had by the foxes, the caretaker assures me. Yes I am paranoid. They've been around, but not every night.

He came out for his last custodian. I might try the gong. I slightly think he's going to have to come out because if caretaker and I snuff it falling down the slope he won't be any better off. Sorry to moan on but it's proving something of a challenge. :)

There ought to be a series on Channel 5 called Petcare Challenge, as remarkable for its inexpensive production values as its cult status among millenials. We would all become famous overnight.

I was thinking that if he left the food, they might nab it.

Calling/whistling is your best bet, I reckon.

Of course, if he already has a belly full of tasty rodent............

I bet that's it.

NB'll have a bellyful of Exigence today. Petiquette dilemma: the Amazon man for once delivered the parcel to me, not the caretaker, so I have to smuggle out a huge sack of Royal Canin, which Mr C has already loved lavishly with his head, to the office, without him noticing. The perils of adultery...

A catapult? Wrap food in tissue paper so it splits when it hits the ground and fire the package in the general direction of the country residence?

Or a bow and arrow....Deffo😁

That look. Says 'So what is it to you, then?!' (To me at any rate.)