Please help me litter tray regulars. I'm desperate. I'm not suicidal but I just don't want to be alive at the moment if that makes sense. I don't know what I'm asking for. Just some sort of connection from people who might understand I suppose.
(If you've stumbled onto this thread not via the litter tray board then please don't comment - I can do without the 'it's only a cat, some people have real problems type remarks please).
48 hours ago I accidentally killed one of my cats in just about the most horrific manner possible. I can't even write the details right now. Of course it wasn't intentional but I was certainly negligent. I don't really think I can imagine a more gruesome and horrific death. And I did it. And it's something I regularly warn people about. And yet I did it.
And I just can't cope. I really, really can't cope. The neighbours called an ambulance for me as I was so distressed, but the doctors wouldn't even give me a sedative. Just asked if I had mental health problems and then basically told me to pull myself together. I managed to get Valium from my GP, but I can't feel the difference. I can't eat and I certainly can't sleep. I think I screamed for 36 hour solid. That seems to have given way to a sort of numb despair interspersed with some lying on the ground sobbing and banging my fists.
I know they say that time is a healer, but I can't see that it's ever going to be ok. I can't see that I'm ever going to sleep calmly, or indeed at all, again.
Nothing in my life has ever come close to this level of trauma. I really want to just go to sleep and not wake up.
I don't know what I'm asking for. Just to get it out I suppose. If you do want to tell me how you came out the other side then please don't tell me exactly what awful thing happened to your pet. I can't cope with knowing about yet more tragedies.
This is on top of a lot of very upsetting rescue calls last week. One in particular where I arrived too late (not my fault, we didn't get the call until it was too late to help) and I had to break into a flat to find the cat already dead. These had been haunting me anyway but now this eclipses everything. And of course I'm carrying the guilt for this.
My friends and of course Celia and others at the clinic have been wonderful, but ultimately nothing can take this away from me. I feel so desperate.
I'm sorry this is all so self-indulgent.