I feel completely unable to cope with this anguish (distressing cat related content)

[thecatneuterer]

Please help me litter tray regulars. I'm desperate. I'm not suicidal but I just don't want to be alive at the moment if that makes sense. I don't know what I'm asking for. Just some sort of connection from people who might understand I suppose.

(If you've stumbled onto this thread not via the litter tray board then please don't comment - I can do without the 'it's only a cat, some people have real problems type remarks please).

48 hours ago I accidentally killed one of my cats in just about the most horrific manner possible. I can't even write the details right now. Of course it wasn't intentional but I was certainly negligent. I don't really think I can imagine a more gruesome and horrific death. And I did it. And it's something I regularly warn people about. And yet I did it.

And I just can't cope. I really, really can't cope. The neighbours called an ambulance for me as I was so distressed, but the doctors wouldn't even give me a sedative. Just asked if I had mental health problems and then basically told me to pull myself together. I managed to get Valium from my GP, but I can't feel the difference. I can't eat and I certainly can't sleep. I think I screamed for 36 hour solid. That seems to have given way to a sort of numb despair interspersed with some lying on the ground sobbing and banging my fists.

I know they say that time is a healer, but I can't see that it's ever going to be ok. I can't see that I'm ever going to sleep calmly, or indeed at all, again.

Nothing in my life has ever come close to this level of trauma. I really want to just go to sleep and not wake up.

I don't know what I'm asking for. Just to get it out I suppose. If you do want to tell me how you came out the other side then please don't tell me exactly what awful thing happened to your pet. I can't cope with knowing about yet more tragedies.

This is on top of a lot of very upsetting rescue calls last week. One in particular where I arrived too late (not my fault, we didn't get the call until it was too late to help) and I had to break into a flat to find the cat already dead. These had been haunting me anyway but now this eclipses everything. And of course I'm carrying the guilt for this.

My friends and of course Celia and others at the clinic have been wonderful, but ultimately nothing can take this away from me. I feel so desperate.

I'm sorry this is all so self-indulgent.

TCN I'm an occasional poster on here and also in the dog house as I have both cats & dogs. I'm so sorry for what you are going through.

I think I might understand just a little bit. A similar horrible thing happened to me with one of our dogs a few months ago. It was extremely traumatic & I couldn't bear to post on MN about it when I could have done with a bit of support because I was afraid of being flamed. I still don't want to say exactly what happened. I'm at the stage, six months on, where I have just about come to terms with it & am able to look back at the life my old girl had and how she knew she was loved. Give yourself time.

to you. Hope you are getting some sleep.

I'm another Litter Tray lurker (mainly) and was so sad to see this was you and what you are going through. You have done so,so much for so many hundreds of cats. I have taken your advice on others' threads and I know others have too so you've helped even more than you could imagine.

Please, please don't beat yourself up about this, it was a terrible, awful accident. Life is so cruel that things like this can happen and make one mistake overshadow (in your mind) all the good you have done. Nobody here on this thread would judge you. It was an awful accident. I'm so sorry. And RIP to the cat.

(((TCN)))

Thank you so much everyone. I am incredibly touched by all your kindness and you have all helped me more than you probably realise.

I'm waiting for the sleeping tablet to kick in and I'm feeling comforted by your virtual hugs and the virtual head-butts from your cats.

You are all so kind.

I hope you can get a good nights sleep.

I hope you're feeling better this morning, and that you got some sleep. Thank you for all the advice you have given. I have recently taken in a stray cat that was sheltering in a shed in my friends garden, and had been living outside for a few years. My friend was feeding her but didn't want her in the house. She is lovely and very affectionate. If it hadn't been for your advice that other cats would get used to new additions I don't think I would have taken her in. I already had 3 cats, but I didn't think it was fair for her to spend another Winter outside. So now I feel like a crazy cat lady but it is working out. Take care and thank you for all the good you do for cats x

I recently came across a counsellor who specialises in pet bereavement. She works in The Netherlands, but I just thought I'd let you know that while it's maybe not a massive area, there ARE people out there who need counselling after losing their pets, no matter how it happened.

I'm so sorry it's happened like this for you.

TCN I saw your thread when you posted, I couldn't think of anything to say, but my heart went out to you.
When I first rescued Lulu, you gave me great advice and the love you have for our feline friends is tangible.
I hope you slept & are finding some peace.

You gave me some great advice on two scrawny, flea infested, wormy older kittens who decided we would make suitable slaves. The girl had her collar around her stomach and was very thin. We took them both on just over a year ago now (I know because we had to buy adoption day treats for them). They are healthy and happy (neuered and spayed) cats now.

Dd1(10) has decided that she wants to be a vet specialising in cats, she loved the Celia Hammond programme you were on. She has a long list of questions about the cats for the poor vet when they have their boosters. Nothing vital more of the why does this one have more toes and what is this bump for sort of things. You played a part in that. She might not become a cat vet but if she does then think how many more cats lives you will have an impact on.

for you. You gave that cat a loving home and a happy life. Hold on to that. Dboy cat gives you a virtual nuzzle to say thank you, which is amazing as he still runs and hides from people who aren't in the family. Dgirl cat climbs on your lap and nibbles your ear, then rolls over for you to stroke her tummy. Hope you got some sleep.

I hope you got some sleep TCN
How are you doing this morning?

Thank you all. The sleeping tablets did indeed knock me out, which has to help. I of course still feel utterly distraught, but the waves of despair are coming over me at longer intervals.

The three remaining cats/kittens (they are around six months) from the little group of my girl who died (we had been trying to get them homes, but not being really tiny, and not being interesting colours, they weren't getting much interest) are being suddenly very, very clingy. The prolonged screaming will have upset them, and Emily's body was laying there for quite some time, which they will have seen. The result has been that they aren't really leaving me alone. They have been a comfort.

The other cats were also rather more skittish than usual but seem to be more or less back to normal now. But this little group are markedly different.

Not only am I suffering with the guilt, and with the 'what ifs?', and with the truly awful manner of her death (at the moment that bit is the hardest - the thought of her suffering), I also miss her. I think I'd only had her four months, and she was still basically a kitten, but she was one of the cleverest cats I'd ever known. And very, very loving. She used to sleep under the covers with me. And she had so many charming little ways. She was truly a special cat. And I say that in an objective way. I love all cats, but I can see that very occasionally I meet a very special one, and she was one of those.

We had an open day two weeks ago and all the foster cats went in to spend the day in pens to meet potential owners. She and her brother, Branwell, were there as a pair. I wrote a piece about her to put on her pen, telling people what a very, very special cat she was. But no one wanted her.

I need to get myself together a bit today. Some of the cats I recently trapped need to be returned and another cat of mine is in there and I need to pick him up. And I need to go and buy cat food.

You have all been so kind and really have helped me in this most difficult time of my life so far.

It will take time, it all sounds very distressing. The other cats seeing Emily's body may not be a terrible thing in the long run - I heard it can help cats if they see the body & realise she's died.
The guilt is entirely understandable but she would have had a much much less happy life without you. And whatever happened, happened, you can't change that - but she is not suffering now, try not to torture yourself about it. You have lovely happy memories of her too and you will be able to smile over them one day I'm sure.

Be kind to yourself TCN

you are doing wonderful and important work, and improving the lives of many cats. Remember what I said before - that offer stands, if at any time in the future you want to talk about it.

I'm pleased you managed to get some much needed rest last night, remember that little Emily isn't suffering now, and being the loving little soul she was, she wouldn't want you to be either.

The other cats can probably sense your distress too. I hope you are having a better day today.

Dear TCN, you don't know me at all, but I know how kind you have been to so many people here, and so many cats in real life.

I can only imagine how distressed you must be. I know it's no real comfort to say that awful, awful accidents happen, but they do - and the thing is, it was an accident.

Please allow your other cats to give you comfort, and please do,do remember the good life you had been giving your dear lost kit, not just her distressing end.

Take care of yourself TCN you are a good person x

So sorry to read this. Thinking of you and sending my very best wishes. You are a trusted voice on here and that will not change x

I'm so so sorry, lovely
I remember the advice you gave me when I was about to adopt/ first had Madame.
She sends headbutts and snuggles.
I would be inconsolable too if anything happened to her. Let alone if I accidentally did it.
We are all just human. It wasn't your fault. Please don't torture yourself.
Un-mumsnet hugs.

I'm so so sorry. I hoped t wasn't you when I saw the thread. You helped me look after those orphaned feral kittens that no one else was helping me with. They're all very much alive and it very good homes now.

One of my friends once had a faulty dryer, the latch didn't always work and she put her clothes in during the morning and shut it. But when she came down before she rushed out it had swung open again so she shut it and set off out.

When she got home, her cat was in there. She was distraught for months and still feels bad about it now, but that cat was so loved, it wasn't intentional, it wasn't her fault and I can't imagine the pain of her finding it. I'm so paranoid about the dryer now.

You really need to forgive yourself. What ifs aren't really helpful. I've thought about what ifs so many times when my DS has had an accident and needed stitches, but it doesn't help, you don't have a time machine and you can't change it. You've done so much for so many cats.

More often than not mammals pass out when they're in those sorts of situations, so she probably didn't feel as much as you thing she did.

Well the sleeping tablets are working. I dread no longer having them. I looked in a mirror yesterday. Yegods I didn't even recognise myself. I seem to have aged around 20 years and look so haggard.

The gaps between breaking down are getting longer and longer, which is the course this will take I suppose. I can't imagine ever feeling 'normal' again, let alone happy. But I'll take one day at a time.

I'm grateful to you all for your kindness. And to all of the people in real life of course.

But the litter tray regulars aren't just 'internet randoms' to me. You feel like my friends too and I am so very grateful for your messsages.

I'm glad the sleeping tablets are working.

You will feel normal and happy again but of course it will take time, the same as with any bereavement.

Think of all the cats you have helped and will help in the future, they need people like you to take care of them and to give them the lives they deserve.

Because of the work you do, and in memory of Emily, I am going to sponsor a Chat cat, Mr Brown.

That's so lovely of you Pink.

So glad to hear you have had some rest. We are sending tonnes of good thoughts your way..

It will take time, so glad to see that another cat is being helped too Pink. I've also made a donation to cat chat in memory of Emily xx