I feel completely unable to cope with this anguish (distressing cat related content)

[thecatneuterer]

Please help me litter tray regulars. I'm desperate. I'm not suicidal but I just don't want to be alive at the moment if that makes sense. I don't know what I'm asking for. Just some sort of connection from people who might understand I suppose.

(If you've stumbled onto this thread not via the litter tray board then please don't comment - I can do without the 'it's only a cat, some people have real problems type remarks please).

48 hours ago I accidentally killed one of my cats in just about the most horrific manner possible. I can't even write the details right now. Of course it wasn't intentional but I was certainly negligent. I don't really think I can imagine a more gruesome and horrific death. And I did it. And it's something I regularly warn people about. And yet I did it.

And I just can't cope. I really, really can't cope. The neighbours called an ambulance for me as I was so distressed, but the doctors wouldn't even give me a sedative. Just asked if I had mental health problems and then basically told me to pull myself together. I managed to get Valium from my GP, but I can't feel the difference. I can't eat and I certainly can't sleep. I think I screamed for 36 hour solid. That seems to have given way to a sort of numb despair interspersed with some lying on the ground sobbing and banging my fists.

I know they say that time is a healer, but I can't see that it's ever going to be ok. I can't see that I'm ever going to sleep calmly, or indeed at all, again.

Nothing in my life has ever come close to this level of trauma. I really want to just go to sleep and not wake up.

I don't know what I'm asking for. Just to get it out I suppose. If you do want to tell me how you came out the other side then please don't tell me exactly what awful thing happened to your pet. I can't cope with knowing about yet more tragedies.

This is on top of a lot of very upsetting rescue calls last week. One in particular where I arrived too late (not my fault, we didn't get the call until it was too late to help) and I had to break into a flat to find the cat already dead. These had been haunting me anyway but now this eclipses everything. And of course I'm carrying the guilt for this.

My friends and of course Celia and others at the clinic have been wonderful, but ultimately nothing can take this away from me. I feel so desperate.

I'm sorry this is all so self-indulgent.

On bloody hell, I've just realised I've donated to the wrong flaming charity! They still help to rehome cats out of shelter though, so I hope that plenty more are helped through Emily (feel a right fool now - it must be an age thing). I'll donate to Celia Hammond next month for Emily.

Don't worry fennel, it actually took me two attempts and an email to CHAT head office to get my sponsorship sorted out!

You helped me last year when deciding to put my poor pussy to sleep

I hope that you find some peace.

Pink & fennel, that's such a lovely idea and I have joined you...i have just signed up to sponsor Bluebell at the CHAT sanctuary, in memory of Emily. Bluebell reminds me of my old girl cat. DH won't let me have more than 1 cat but I can sponsor more can't I

Same as me timtam! Bluebell is lovely but there was something about Mr Brown that made me go for him. I can't believe he was overlooked for so long, I'd have adopted him even with his issues.

Just caught this thread and wanted to send my love.

Just checked in to the litter tray and found this.

Dear TCN, I hope you are getting a bit more sleep and a a little more space between the awful bits tonight. I'm so so sorry that you have gone through this. You have fought for more cats that most people ever will, saved so many... little Emily's death is a terrible thing; we love our animals...but she had love while she was with you, she won't have held a grudge for her accidental death. Sometimes awful things happen and we learn to live with it with sadness but it doesn't stay THIS awful for ever. Hang in there.

I will also donate to the Celia Hammond trust now ( I do my local cats protection monthly anyway) in remembrance xx

I've been/felt responsible for the death of two animals, both were run over.

A dog who ran past me without an owner and I did think to myself, that's a busy road I should maybe catch it, but I was in a hurry and didn't...seconds later it stepped into the road and was killed.

The other was a cat that I hit with my car, I found its humans, but it died two days later.

I was so upset both times, guilty and hysterical...and I didn't even know them, of course you're struggling with it, how could you not be?

Well so much for the sleeping tablets having magical properties. I now seem to be very wide awake and things seem blacker than ever.

I have re-read your messages many times, and taken comfort from them. And intellectually I know you're all right. It's just that the intellectual bit of my brain doesn't seem to engaging the way it normally would.

I haven't got back to my routine rescue work yet (trapping/neutering of colonies) but have started the acute stuff again as of last night. It is helpful to my mental state I think, except when things don't work out and then I find it even more difficult to cope with.

Your making donations in Emily's memory is just so touching. I can't thank you enough.

Occasional litter tray lurker here. I am so sorry to read of what happened and of your distress. Remember that it is still very early days and the shock is really only just subsiding. I don't know what happened but you sound like a wonderful woman and a true friend to cats. You loved Emily (loving her and her brother's Bronte-inspired names) while she was with you and she obviously felt a strong bond to you; what happened cannot erase that.

I agree with a PP that you are traumatised, and trauma does not obey rationality. That's why PTSD is so hard to deal with. The person knows rationally they are no longer in a war zone/their nice neighbour is not going to hurt them like their violent attacker did/they are not to blame for a terrible tragic accident, but the trauma overrides those rational messages. For this reason, I really do think some counselling/therapy would help you, perhaps not immediately, but certainly in the medium to longer term.

I hope you can get some sleep. I have been up with baby, and my two cats are stalking around the place. They are 3 and we took them on at 13 weeks from a devoted person like you. They send you snuggles.

it will take time but it will get better. Are any of yours awake to stroke? It reduces your bp. Dboy cat has just been nuzzling you on the phone and sending purrs.

Another thing that I find useful when I can't sleep is radio4 podcast - inside science or more or less are my favourites. They are interesting enough to engage with but not so gripping that you have to hear the end. They turn off automatically. A change of location can help too. I sometimes curl on the sofa with a sleeping bag. Hope you get some rest.

I thank your cats for the snuggles and purrs.

Shouldwe - no, none of mine seem to be awake/interested at the moment. I may have to go downstairs and seek some out. I could do with a cup of tea anyway.

And yes I absolutely agree about radio 4. I normally like to sleep to the World Service. Business Matters is perfect. If I could get that on a loop it would be better than tablets. I hadn't thought of podcasts but what a brilliant idea, and those are exactly the programmes I would choose. Thinking Allowed too.

Hope that they worked, spatial/ temporal ability wasn't quite enough but China's one child policy finished me. Having them on a loop would be fab, or a programmable list.

So sorry to hear of this tragic loss.

I've lurked and posted here for years (I have Huntercat and Feistycat from rescue thanks to people caring like you).

Remember amidst all the other great advice here, your lovely Emily will not have thought you responsible for what happened. To her it would be a neutral outside force not something you had done to her. Cats are good at reading people and she knew you cared for her, loved her and wished only good for her. What happened sounds awful but it won't have affected her knowing you were kind and caring to her and she won't have rethought that no matter how responsible you feel for this.

I imagine this is especially acute as you have devoted yourself to reducing suffering and giving life to cats, so this incident is the polar opposite of how you have shaped your whole identity. Definitely get good support so you can forgive yourself being human and move on whole again.

Thinking of you, and please remember if we haven't done something similar we have had near misses with our pets, or children, and it is part of being fallible and human.

Now I know why my kittens were dancing on my head at 5 this morning! They knew you were awake and wanted to chat.
Buggers!
I am not working and girls are being spayed and chipped on Monday. I do however promise to volunteer at the shelter we got our girls from in memory of Emily. It's nowhere near what you do TCN but if we all did something....

Seawig your lovely post made me cry.

Wolfie that's a huge gesture. And I'm not some sort of cat saint you know. I'm sure that many of you would do the same as me if you were in my position. I don't have any family ties and I have a very good income without having to work. That gives me the opportunity to do a lot more than most people would be able to, even though they might want to. It's just luck/circumstances really.

I seem to be regressing today. I'm really struggling.

You are some sort of cat saint, actually, think how many cats' lives you have changed beyond recognition for the better. Think how much suffering you have stopped. Most people lucky enough to be in the position to do what you do would not be doing it. There is no queue of people lining up to replace you. I can only imagine what you are going through but I'm sure that you will find a way to move forward and many more cats will have their lives transformed directly by your actions. Accidents happen, we learn from them and move on eventually, but it is hard.

Oh you poor poor thing. I don't know what else to say really, because I can imagine how you must be feeling, and I have no idea how I would cope in your shoes. I know that we have clashed previously because I volunteer for the RSPCA, but I want you to know that I am agonising for you and would like to send you a huge hug.

TCN I think I'm very near you. You're very welcome to pop round to mine's for breakfast tomorrow. You can meet my CH rescue baby. I will PM you x

TCN am on my phone so can't work out how to PM you but, if you PM me, I can PM you back. Please do - I'd love to have you for breakfast ( or lunch or dinner) xx

I think it's completely normal to have days when you feel you are going backwards rather than forwards tcn, you've had a terrible shock and trauma on top of a bereavement and it is still very early days. It will get better though, the rawness of it will ease, and when you get bad days then I think you just have to understand that it won't be this bad forever and the greatest testament of how much your cats mean is the fact that it hurts so much, it is the price we pay for loving them; but how much poorer would our lives be without our cats!

MissHoolies - you're so kind. I've pm'd you.

Tamzin - thank you. i really don't remember any disagreements with you. While the RSPCA may not be my favourite organisation, it's the management strategies/policies I have issues with, not the people on the front line. And anyone who gives their time to help animals is at the top of my list of the best types of humans.

Fennel - yes I'm sure you're right.

Sorry to hear you're having such a bad day, I hope you get some sleep and have a better day tomorrow

My Dgran killed one of her cats many years ago in a horrible, traumatic accident. It still upsets her but she lives with it and since has had decades of happily caring for pets she loves and love her. You will never forget Emily but this is not the end of your life. You have saved and loved countless cats and will continue to do so. I hope you can sleep better soon. X