I feel completely unable to cope with this anguish (distressing cat related content)

[thecatneuterer]

Please help me litter tray regulars. I'm desperate. I'm not suicidal but I just don't want to be alive at the moment if that makes sense. I don't know what I'm asking for. Just some sort of connection from people who might understand I suppose.

(If you've stumbled onto this thread not via the litter tray board then please don't comment - I can do without the 'it's only a cat, some people have real problems type remarks please).

48 hours ago I accidentally killed one of my cats in just about the most horrific manner possible. I can't even write the details right now. Of course it wasn't intentional but I was certainly negligent. I don't really think I can imagine a more gruesome and horrific death. And I did it. And it's something I regularly warn people about. And yet I did it.

And I just can't cope. I really, really can't cope. The neighbours called an ambulance for me as I was so distressed, but the doctors wouldn't even give me a sedative. Just asked if I had mental health problems and then basically told me to pull myself together. I managed to get Valium from my GP, but I can't feel the difference. I can't eat and I certainly can't sleep. I think I screamed for 36 hour solid. That seems to have given way to a sort of numb despair interspersed with some lying on the ground sobbing and banging my fists.

I know they say that time is a healer, but I can't see that it's ever going to be ok. I can't see that I'm ever going to sleep calmly, or indeed at all, again.

Nothing in my life has ever come close to this level of trauma. I really want to just go to sleep and not wake up.

I don't know what I'm asking for. Just to get it out I suppose. If you do want to tell me how you came out the other side then please don't tell me exactly what awful thing happened to your pet. I can't cope with knowing about yet more tragedies.

This is on top of a lot of very upsetting rescue calls last week. One in particular where I arrived too late (not my fault, we didn't get the call until it was too late to help) and I had to break into a flat to find the cat already dead. These had been haunting me anyway but now this eclipses everything. And of course I'm carrying the guilt for this.

My friends and of course Celia and others at the clinic have been wonderful, but ultimately nothing can take this away from me. I feel so desperate.

I'm sorry this is all so self-indulgent.

I'm a litter tray lurker. I posted once when I was overwhelmed by 2 new kittens and with the help of regulars on here who supported and didn't judge me I am 2 years on with cats that are at the top of the pecking order in this house.
You not only help the cats but the cat owners and we all thank you for it. Please be kind to yourself, sending strength and love your way.

Kitted - I think I remember your thread. I'm so glad things are going well.

TCN i think most cat owners have done something they regret regarding their cats at some time, i certainly have and i cried broken hearted for a fortnight, you do so much for cats, please be kind to yourself unfortunately time cant be turned back and hindsight used , or we would all be going backwards and forwards in time, just let yourself feel whatever you are feeling at the particular moment sending a big cyber hug wish it could be a real life one because you are someone i would love to meet in real life but im up north and your down south so probably isnt going to happen

Issey thank you. And I know you're right.

And I'm from Sheffield originally, and go back there sometimes, so maybe we can arrange something one day!

im only in halifax so if ever you are up this way let me know and we can sort out a mad cat ladies who lunch xx

Glad you've got something to help you sleep, I hope you don't mind, but I came across this paragraph from the adventurous writers blog, and thought it might help:-

"We know we would never deliberately do anything to hurt our pets, accept that it was your cat's time to go, accidents do happen and our pets would forgive us for letting them have their freedom and these are the risks we take, we must create a new place for them in our hearts with no pain or sadness, you are not a bad pet owner, you are a loving pet owner who made decisions based on love, so you made a mistake and wish to God you could turn back time but the reality of life is it only goes in one direction. You need to know that the couple of years you had with your pet were probably the best of his little life. With anything we do there always is some risk involved. We cannot see into the future and know what is going to happen. Most pets enjoy running, jumping and nature and need these experience to maintain good physical and mental health. Accidents do happen even when we are trying to be the best guardians possible for our pets. We are human beings with frailties and faults. We make mistakes. We are basically good people.To hurt ourselves with the terrible pain of guilt is to do disservice to the love we felt for our pets. We need to forgive ourselves. Let the guilt go. Remember what you did right because you did a lot right."

There are posts on there from people who have accidentally killed their pets, including a cat in a domestic appliance, so there are plenty of others who have experienced that awful traumatic loss, you aren't alone. Xx

My lovely friend killed his dog, accidentally but horribly. He had the most awful time afterwards. He said it helped when he was able to be as kind to himself as he was to others and to stop making himself go over and over it but to deliberately replace those thoughts with the memories of fun they had or of other animals he had helped.

That really does help Fennel. I think I'll be re-reading that a lot over the coming days and weeks.

tcn Just wanted to add my and little cat hugs to everyone else's.

Be kind to yourself. You have saved many many cats from awful fates; please remember this. If we'd have lived in London I'd have come to CHAT when we were looking for new cats, because of your postings. Please take care.

moonbells and the mooncats

Oh gosh, TCN, what a horrible tragedy for you. from me and a cheek rub from Archcat. Perhaps at some later point it might help you to tell us about the cat you've lost and post a photo.

Love and grief and guilt can be such powerful emotions, but carrying guilt in the long-term can only be a bad thing for you and all your other cats. I hope you can mange to 'reprogramme' the bad thoughts by reminding yourself again and again that you're a good person who does good things and saves many cats. Wishing you strength.

So very sorry :(

When I was younger, I accidentally killed my beloved pet hamster and I felt so, so dreadful.

It's very hard, but please be kind to yourself.

I'm so sorry you are suffering and I'm very sorry too for your loss

You have had a traumatic experience to deal with as well as your loss. I was going to say I hope you forgive yourself, but there is actually nothing to forgive - an accident is an accident. You didn't do anything deliberately - there is no blame in an accident. I hope that makes sense. It makes sense in my head

fennel what a wonderful post. I think the last sentence in particular is very apt.

"Remember what you did right because you did a lot right"

I really hope you feel a bit better soon and the tablets allow you to rest, you must be exhausted too.

I'm so sorry to read your post but like the PPs have said it was an accident and you have helped so many cats so please don't torture yourself. Sorry for your loss and that you're going through this

Firstly I know that any cat that comes to live with you does so because it has virtually no chance of finding any other home. So prior to this tragic accident you gave the cat something it wasn't going to experience otherwise.
When we are 'professional' animal carers we always beat ourselves up much more about these things than anyone else, we feel we should have known different. But we are just human and accidents happen.
Just remember all your other cats need you and are hugely benefiting from the home you give them.

Fennel that's a lovely piece of writing from that blog.

I hang about these boards a lot thecat and know how bad you must feel, I used to breed ragdolls but before that I did something terrible to my DC kitten and had to tell them he ran away and same as you I should have known better, I too had to go and see the emergency out of hour GP, I was shaking and crying so much, I was given Mitrazipine to help and they helped me immensely.

I'm pleased your colleagues are being kind to you when you feel at your lowest.

I hope you feel better soon, it sucks but sometimes these tragic accidents happen.

Oh, TCN, how awful for you.
To err is both human and feline. We are none of us perfect.
In time you will come to live with this but for now get some help from your gp and counselling if you can.
Pyjamacat and I send you love.

I'm very sorry, OP. You give such good advice on here, I'm sorry you're having a tough time. I'm glad you have some sleeping tablets - make sure you take one tonight and get some rest.

Catneuterer, do you know what, the amazing things you have done for cats more than outweighs any accident, I am sure it was awful and would really upset me too, but please forgive yourself

thecatneuterer what an horrific thing to happen to you, try not to blame yourself, it'll take time.

I've been thinking about you tonight, TCN. I hope you are getting some much needed rest. All five Secret cat's (Amber, Mittens, Highway, Shadow and Bella) and I send gentle hugs. Xx

Dear TCN, I am so sorry for what you are going through. You have helped me so much with my cat over the years and the work you do is amazing. I am so sorry that this has happened but it was an accident. I hope you get some rest tonight and have some peace in the morning. Thinking of you

I lurk on this thread and always wait to see your wise words appear when someone is asking for help.you have helped numerous cats and owners. I know that none of that will make any difference to how you feel now but it was an accident.time will help. Take all the support you can get

My Dad always says "the man that never made a mistake, never did anything"

My Mum always says "if you could have prevented it, it wouldn't have been an accident"

We all know how much you do, tremendous, amazing amounts of 'good' & your accident, was just that, an accident

You will come to terms with it, you will also regret it forever - but please be kind to yourself. If someone else had done it & was beating themselves up - what would you say to them, how would you treat them, would you be as harsh to them as you are being to yourself?

Oh my sweet. Another one piling in here to not judge in the slightest.
You have done so much good and saved so many. (Watched the piece about Celia et Al you linked to recently.) I also think you posted a picture of your kitchen and its kitty residents.
No one could do more. And I'm afraid when your life is touched by so many there are some that will end in the saddest of ways.
I actually know of a couple of cases where a cat owner accidentally killed their cat. Rarely have I seen anyone so upset.
You give your all. We thank you.