I feel completely unable to cope with this anguish (distressing cat related content)

[thecatneuterer]

Please help me litter tray regulars. I'm desperate. I'm not suicidal but I just don't want to be alive at the moment if that makes sense. I don't know what I'm asking for. Just some sort of connection from people who might understand I suppose.

(If you've stumbled onto this thread not via the litter tray board then please don't comment - I can do without the 'it's only a cat, some people have real problems type remarks please).

48 hours ago I accidentally killed one of my cats in just about the most horrific manner possible. I can't even write the details right now. Of course it wasn't intentional but I was certainly negligent. I don't really think I can imagine a more gruesome and horrific death. And I did it. And it's something I regularly warn people about. And yet I did it.

And I just can't cope. I really, really can't cope. The neighbours called an ambulance for me as I was so distressed, but the doctors wouldn't even give me a sedative. Just asked if I had mental health problems and then basically told me to pull myself together. I managed to get Valium from my GP, but I can't feel the difference. I can't eat and I certainly can't sleep. I think I screamed for 36 hour solid. That seems to have given way to a sort of numb despair interspersed with some lying on the ground sobbing and banging my fists.

I know they say that time is a healer, but I can't see that it's ever going to be ok. I can't see that I'm ever going to sleep calmly, or indeed at all, again.

Nothing in my life has ever come close to this level of trauma. I really want to just go to sleep and not wake up.

I don't know what I'm asking for. Just to get it out I suppose. If you do want to tell me how you came out the other side then please don't tell me exactly what awful thing happened to your pet. I can't cope with knowing about yet more tragedies.

This is on top of a lot of very upsetting rescue calls last week. One in particular where I arrived too late (not my fault, we didn't get the call until it was too late to help) and I had to break into a flat to find the cat already dead. These had been haunting me anyway but now this eclipses everything. And of course I'm carrying the guilt for this.

My friends and of course Celia and others at the clinic have been wonderful, but ultimately nothing can take this away from me. I feel so desperate.

I'm sorry this is all so self-indulgent.

Many years ago I had a an upsetting experience. I was going through a tough time of things and I was standing waiting for the Tube just with everything going through my head when the man standing next to me just ran out and jumped in front of the Tube. He was killed. I mentioned it to my GP who I was seeing for something else and he arranged some free counselling sessions for me. It really helped me a lot.

I hope you can find a way through all this. Be kind to yourself. It will take time.

I tried to stop one of my cats fighting (quite viciously) with the cat across the road. He ran out in front of a car.

I sat on my garden path with him just stroking him and talking to him until he died, about 5 minutes later. I cried for hours.

I still get really upset thinking about it, over 10 years later.

I keep telling myself that it was an accident (which it was), and that I couldn't possibly have foretold what happened. If it had been a second later or earlier then the outcome would have been different.

He was a much loved cat. He knew he was loved. He had the loudest purr of my cat I have every known. And he was completely stupid. He once let a Tom cat spray him. He liked water and loved to be bathed. I had him about 4 years.

I still really miss him, and feel incredibly guilty about inadvertently causing his death. But it was an accident. Just like yours was an accident too.

Go and see your GP. They will be able to help you. It will take a very long time, but you will eventually accept what happened. I still beat myself up about it, but nothing I can do would change what happened.

I try to console myself with the fact that he knew he was loved, and had a happy life.

I hope this helps

Hope you had a better night's sleep last night, TCN. Emily is such a lovely name, and she really does sound like she was a very special kitten. It says a lot that her siblings are clinging to you you now - because YOU'RE the person they trust and love. Emily had a good life thanks to you alone.

With regard to the sleeping pills not working through the night: would it help to split the pill and take half before you go to bed, and reserve the other half for if you wake up at 4 and can't get back off to sleep? Just in case the middle-of-the-night World Service isn't soporific enough. Is Business Matters the one with Peter Day? He has a hypnotically sleep-inducing voice. We're not in the UK so the World Service is our 'local' English radio station.

One of the problems with loving and caring is that there is always the attendant risk of loss and the grief that comes with that. But bearing that risk is theoretically better in the long term than not being able to love at all, I think - just so dreadfully painful to go through in practice.

Just checked back because I've been thinking about you all weekend.

I know it's not cat related but... My DS has some severe disabilities including severe learning disabilities and so has a complex needs social worker, we don't see her ever now but she came to do an initial assessment to see what services he needed to access and check the home didn't need adaptations, while she was here I asked her to have a walk round the house and check it was all as safe as it could be because I didn't want DS hurt accidentally by my oversight, she did, was very thorough, told me that my house was perfect and left.

The next day as I nipped for a wee, DS went into the kitchen bin, took a can lid out (pre recycling bins) and sliced all the top of his foot open with it, he needed surgery.

The social worker heard and rang almost in tears, really apologetic and told me she didn't think of the bin. I didn't think of the bin either. I do now, so does she!

Luckily it was his foot, not his wrists or throat or eyes, and he completely healed, but even trained professionals can make oversights that could be fatal, through no fault of their own.

Please don't blame yourself

A tin lid**

TCN Have PM'd you x

Secret and her five cat's ( all rescue kitties, all alive and well because people like you cared enough to see them through the hard times!) are sending you healing thoughts. I've been thinking about you all weekend. Please know many of us are sending hugs and are here to hold your hand..xx

Hope you're having a better day today [fowers]

sorry, not fowers!

Well I've now become sort of numb, which is I suppose an improvement.

Yesterday I was kept busy with rescue stuff and this morning I had to attend an eviction. I now have an extra four cats in my spare room. We have literally nowhere to put them in the clinic and I couldn't leave them there while the bailiff either locked them in or out (unneutered too), so they're with me.

So I'm functioning again, just with a huge black cloud over me. It really feels as though my life has changed forever. I know people have so very much more to cope with but for me this is huge, as thankfully all of you and quite a number of people in real life (although certainly not all) seem to understand.

Thank you all once again for your kindness.

Gradually rays of sunshine will penetrate your black cloud, and those sunny intervals will get longer and longer as time goes on. Maybe just a nose bump from one of those new cats in the spare room will let a tiny ray of joy through. Keep going and things will be good again in the end.

KOKO TCN this too shall pass

So sorry to hear this thecatneuterer. I know it's different circumstances but my cat died last week, the grief has felt unbearable at times.

Your cat would of known it wasn't your fault, take care of yourself

TCN, no-one could do more for cats than you. I'm in awe of the strength rescue workers show every day. I couldn't do it. Just getting one girl well from a bad state was hard enough for me. You and your co-workers are my heroes x

I think you're right that life will not be the same. However I also think that, given time, you will be able to live your life alongside what happened to Emily - it can't and won't go away but it will be less acute. It is still such early days though, don't rush yourself to feel "better" when you're not ready.

Hey TCN, glad to hear you're keeping busy. Been thinking of you.

Numb is not surprising. It's the shock.

Those four cats. (And every other cat you have ever helped. Hundreds? Thousands?) would like to cuddle you, head butt their thanks and remind you of all the good you have done, are doing and will do.
You are seriously amazing. Wish I could send you a hug. Fancy a virtual Wolfiecat1 head butt and a Wolfiecat2 snot? If you are really good Wcat2 may chew your head. True fact. It's how she rouses my DH to feed her. It works!

It's a long game. You're over the immediate intolerable misery (good), but getting back to 'normal' will be a long trudge with some grey times but also sunshine through the clouds.

Be kind to yourself. I think most people at some point in their lives do something that appals them... It's agonising but it will change you for the better, in the long run, because it will give you a much deeper understanding of human strengths and frailties.

Stroke your many cats for me (I am a massive cat lover who is also horribly allergic, so utterly jealous of volunteers like you!).

Oh OP, what a horrific situation to be in, my heart goes out to you.

Can relate a tiny bit to your pain as my special boy was poisoned & killed by a personality disordered housemate not so long ago. Had a strong gut feeling it would happen but couldn't find us another place to live fast enough.

In my mind & heart i killed him through my life choices which were foisted on him.

This will remain a dark spot for a while but it does get 'easier' to live with.

Our pets have so much love for us and I like to believe they have no concept of blame. And energy never dies, & can 'only' change into a different form.

The love is still there, only the physical form is no longer visible to us.

Watch for little signs, i thought it was 'mad' & 'woo' after Tigger went but he sends me little white feathers in the most random of places not frequented by birds....

Thinking of you OP

Thinking of you still and hope you are finding a balance between business as usual and space to rest and breathe.

Warm purring sleepy cat head butts from my two rescues (who love it when I work from home with the heating on....).

TCN, Wolfiefan has been trying to PM you unsuccessfully.
Hope you're doing a bit better.

I'm also hoping that TCN is okay and just taking time to recover and recharge. I'll probably need some of her invaluable advice in the near future, so please don't disappear TCN

Still thinking of you TCN and hope you're getting good RL support.