I feel completely unable to cope with this anguish (distressing cat related content)

[thecatneuterer]

Please help me litter tray regulars. I'm desperate. I'm not suicidal but I just don't want to be alive at the moment if that makes sense. I don't know what I'm asking for. Just some sort of connection from people who might understand I suppose.

(If you've stumbled onto this thread not via the litter tray board then please don't comment - I can do without the 'it's only a cat, some people have real problems type remarks please).

48 hours ago I accidentally killed one of my cats in just about the most horrific manner possible. I can't even write the details right now. Of course it wasn't intentional but I was certainly negligent. I don't really think I can imagine a more gruesome and horrific death. And I did it. And it's something I regularly warn people about. And yet I did it.

And I just can't cope. I really, really can't cope. The neighbours called an ambulance for me as I was so distressed, but the doctors wouldn't even give me a sedative. Just asked if I had mental health problems and then basically told me to pull myself together. I managed to get Valium from my GP, but I can't feel the difference. I can't eat and I certainly can't sleep. I think I screamed for 36 hour solid. That seems to have given way to a sort of numb despair interspersed with some lying on the ground sobbing and banging my fists.

I know they say that time is a healer, but I can't see that it's ever going to be ok. I can't see that I'm ever going to sleep calmly, or indeed at all, again.

Nothing in my life has ever come close to this level of trauma. I really want to just go to sleep and not wake up.

I don't know what I'm asking for. Just to get it out I suppose. If you do want to tell me how you came out the other side then please don't tell me exactly what awful thing happened to your pet. I can't cope with knowing about yet more tragedies.

This is on top of a lot of very upsetting rescue calls last week. One in particular where I arrived too late (not my fault, we didn't get the call until it was too late to help) and I had to break into a flat to find the cat already dead. These had been haunting me anyway but now this eclipses everything. And of course I'm carrying the guilt for this.

My friends and of course Celia and others at the clinic have been wonderful, but ultimately nothing can take this away from me. I feel so desperate.

I'm sorry this is all so self-indulgent.

TCN, I don't know you or what happened but I understand how you feel right now, it's not "just a cat", I'm actually tearful now thinking of you and what you're going through.

tinkywinky. Thank you for that. I may well pm you in a few days.

I'm so sorry something so dreadful has happened.

I was prescribed zopiclone as a sleeping tablet in conjunction with diazepam when my lovely cat died last year. It wasn't a magic cure but I went into a bit of crisis when she died (she was extremely close to me - a Velcro cat and her death was sudden and unexpected) and the meds did cushion the blow to my health.

I hope your other cats help you through this. Knowing my other pets were dependent on me forced me to carry on when I otherwise would have rather not been here anymore.

That's not to say it stopped me grieving - I still miss her dreadfully and with much sadness, but the combination of the medication and my other pets got me through the awful immediate shock.

So sorry again

...So now that it's me I am judging myself and my heart is breaking for the cat. I suppose I'm also feeling sorry for myself but the judginess is winning...

No-one else is judging you, woman.

I'm so sorry you have gone through this, you're obviously traumatised by the events.
You do such selfless, Stirling work for the cat population, and I hope in time you will be able to put it into perspective.
Sadly we have discovered the body of one of our cats this morning. I feel your pain.

I'm so sorry Pipes

Tiptops - thank you. Now I know which drug to ask for.

I'm very sorry, Pipes.

I'm not a cat person but I feel upset if I even stand on a snail and broken hearted wgen ive had to put our rats to sleep so can well understand how you must feel.
It sounds as if u have a kind of PTSD and I second a good counsellor trained in critical incident debriefing.
I'm so sorry for you x

Just sending you some thecat. You sound a lovely caring person. I am so sorry you're going through this - you are clearly distraught and in shock .

But you have done so much for the welfare of cats. Remember all the good you have done and will continue to do. This was an awful, accident, but an accident nonetheless. Please be kind to yourself.

I have an appointment at the doctors in an hours time.

good luck catneuterer. What happened was an accident. Unintentional and its shaken you to the core and you feel traumatised. Anyone probably would. Please try and be kind to yourself. You didnt do it on purpose x

My DH accidentally killed one of our cats and I discovered her body, it was awful, DH was very distressed and one of our children found it very difficult to cope with and really reacted against DH for some time.

It has faded now after a few years and is now just a sad memory rather than a raw wound.

DH has also had therapy for PTSD (for a different incident) and had EMDR and the therapy that involves face-tapping (can't remember it's name), these were provided on the NHS so definitely not a quack remedy even though they sound a bit odd!

Hang on in there, it will get better.

I'm just so sorry. Also didn't want to read and run. It was an accident, an awful, terrible accident. I don't have a comparable story but I have lost a cat in a 'if I'd done x differently this wouldn't have happened' kind of situation and it was truly awful, real trauma, but yes, it did, eventually, get better.

Thinking of you. Again, I'm just so sorry.

TCN I don't know what to say but I can't read and run. Please don't be so hard on yourself (easy for me to say as I know I'd be the same if it was me) - what happened was a tragic accident. You do so much good and have helped so many cats. I'm glad you've had support from Celia and please take whatever help and support you are offered.

OH, honey, I'm so very sorry You won't know me either as I am a lurker and name changer ( both MN curses!) Please know I often read your posts for good common sense. Your love, compassion and care for all things feline shine through. You have had a terrible shock. Please continue to seek support. You deserve it. Be very very kind to yourself. ((Hugs))

TCN I fully understand that you may not want to go over this. But if it would help to tell someone the details then please PM me. Part of my job is training others (often in very deprived circumstances) in humane slaughter of animals (not something I mention at dinner parties!). This means that I have seen and experienced many very difficulty situations.

But one thing that I've learned is that often those situations aren't actually as bad for the animal as we perceive. For example the idea of a gunshot or even 'blunt force trauma' to the head is incredibly uncomfortable for most people as these are quite brutal deaths. But from the animal's point of view they are almost instantly unconscious/dead. I might be able to look at this situation more objectively and reassure you that it isn't as bad as you think.

Be kind to yourself
x

Please don't judge yourself tcn, accidents happen and humans and animals alike sometimes have horrible endings, but what is important is how they lived, not how they died. I suspect your cat knew only kindness, compassion and caring from you and considering that there are cats out there who are deliberately tortured by people then yours was one of the lucky ones to have experienced your love.
I hope the doctor can help you, but don't keep torturing yourself, you didn't hurt it deliberately

I'm sorry for your loss :( losing a cat under any circumstance can be really distressing. I

have a 16 year old and I always become inconsolable at even the thought of anything happening to her.

I'm glad you're going to the gp - i hope they can help.

Thinking of you x

I'm sorry to hear you're so distressed. I can imagine it must be heart breaking for you. I'm glad you're seeking help and support. You WILL get past this - it is clear just how much you love cats and how dedicated you are to supporting them so it is no surprise you're feeling this way. You are an inspiration and source of sound advice to so many people here. Please try to be kind to yourself.

Ahh, TCN I hope the doctor can help you. Please be gentle with yourself. Think of all the lives you have saved, all the hurt you have ended and all the love you have created. You're going to carry this with you, but with time and help it will heal. My elderly rescued girl has just been given extra Dreamies in your honour, and she's purring while she eats them.

I feel overwhelmed by all your support. Thank you so much.

I now have sleeping tablets.

Sunshine - what a difficult thing to do. You have my utmost respect. I'm not sure I can bear to do what you suggest, but I am thinking about it. Thank you for your offer.

You poor, poor thing. As PP have said it was a mistake. You clearly love not just your own pets but other animals dearly and have done much good. Humans are fallible and sometimes that has terrible consequences but your cat will have known how loved they were and you have done your best.

Please go back to your doctor. There are also pet bereavement helplines available if you need to talk to someone.

TCN I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. It sounds as if you have had multiple very stressful situations recently and the last situation tipped you over the edge, as it were. It is completely understandable to react to severe acute stress in this way.
Some people cope best by bottling things up, others find it helpful to talk. If you find in the months to come that you need to talk to someone, your GP or the local primary care mental health service may be able to point you in the right direction. Also I do sometimes recommend the Blue Cross on here as they have a pet bereavement helpline? Not sure if that's quite what you'd want but it's a thought...
Try to get some rest/sleep by try not to rely on the sleeping tablets for too long...I'm sure your GP will have talked to you about short-term use only. And I am so sorry about your cat and the cat in the other house, but these terrible accidents & situations do happen, no one can do everything perfectly 100% of the time. Don't be too hard on yourself, you must have saved so many cats over the years, and with that many cats you are statistically much more likely than me (with only 1 cat) to have something go wrong at some point. Some for you