Heartache after saying goodbye- support thread

[Helplessandheartbroke]

I'm in agony after losing our boy 2.5 weeks ago. I had another thread deleted as it was too outing but realised quickly there's many of us suffering. Anyone want to join hands?

Me . Went tomc left my boys ashes tonight and fell apart when nurse said "I'll go
And get him for you " because I half expected her to walk out with my bear in a lead - instead I got a box . I blubbed .

It's a beautiful wooden box with his name in a brass plaque. I have his big bear paw prints which I need to laminate.

It's just so sad . I miss him so much .

@capabilityfrowns I'm so sorry! I've been wondering how you've been. I've still got my boys ashes in the cardboard box atm we're going to get a nice case to keep them in safely. Hope you manage to get some sleep tonight and take comfort in the fact hes back home with you x

I recognise it’s about six hours later but I’m up. You poor thing missing your boy. It’s OK to feel like you do but it’s also awful for you. It will and does get better but that doesn’t get it OK now. xxxxx

OK this is probably going to be the tackiest thing posted on the thread but as someone who has been surprised with bits of horse tail in random drawers: the remains can be important and if they are for you treat them as if they are.
The most important element is how much love you gave them which will have been reflected in their behaviour. How much your dog loved you is basically going to have been reflected in how they treated you and it’s going to be proportionate to how much you loved them. I know this - a kicked dog cringes away, it avoids you. This is the same with cats and horses except cats are a bit more standoffish horses are more scared.
you loved them.
keep whatever remnant you want but please make an important part the bit where they say you and barked and yipped in joy.

@CeciledeVolangesdeNouveau not sure if you're a night owl or an early bird? Thank you for the above. I think for me it's the love and dedication he showed thats hurting most. I miss him so much! I cry every morning like now... last night I looked through my past 4 years photos on my phone. Other than the 3 operations he had in that time... the rest of the photos and videos showed fun and love. I was able to smile for 30 mins until I got to the recent ones then I cried again...

Hope everyone has a good day today, thinking of you all x

I’m normally an early bird but going through a severe bout of hospitalisation-worth depression and my sleep is happening completely at random especially when I get up at 2 and both the cat and nasty mother dash into my room!
Crying isn’t nice when you go through it but the hormones you excrete during a crying jag when you’re going through a crying jag in a bad time are completely different to stubbing your toe or something during a normal one l. It can be the purest form of catharsis. I think that would be ably demonstrated by our old and new cats too. Mr N would be like WE GET ALMOST ALL OF AFRICA ESPECIAKLY ZAIRE and Velvet would be going WHAT S AFRICA ??? CAN WE? Stop weeping so we work this one out

@capabilityfrowns getting their ashes back is so hard, I sobbed when we got our boy’s back. We scattered them a few days ago at a place that was very special to us. I still can’t work out how I feel about it.

@Helplessandheartbroke my DH is definitely better at keeping busy and just getting on with things so he doesn’t dwell on everything as much as I do. I wish I was more like him! I try to keep myself busy up to a point, then I just seem to crash. I find myself feeling very emotional during quieter times.

I'm sorry, @CeciledeVolangesdeNouveau - it's quite amazing how supportive you're being to the OP and others on this thread when you're in the middle of something like that.

We scattered our first boys ashes in an area of long grass near a lovely stream where he adored 'bouncing' (imagine a sleek standard dachshund leaping through long grass, occasionally pouncing and sniffing intently ... we assume voles or suchlike were abundant there). We decided to put the second old boy in the same place, he liked it although he'd been a bit too lazy for bouncing - his absolute favourite place was the garden at Arley Hall in Cheshire, we joked that we should surreptitiously scatter his ashes there down our trouser legs like in the Great Escape!

@CeciledeVolangesdeNouveau it certainly is amazing the support you're offering whilst going through this yourself, thank you and thank you for sharing. If there's anything particular you'd like to talk about please let us know. Hope you can have a cat nap today 😉

@ErrolTheDragon that's lovely both your boys are together. I've been watching YouTube videos today and an animal communicator believes our departed pets send us our new ones.

@Work2live I think men are just more pragmatic than us. They don't have the maternal instincts. I asked dh last night how he isn't still upset and he told me he is and every time he comes home from work he's reminded of how much he misses him but he copes by shutting it out. I don't know how to do this I've cried all morning today really struggling and I've got a client meeting in 5 mins and I'm a mess!

Hi all, today has been a little easier- only 3 bouts of crying so far (once on morning walk where no one could see me, once when I had some flowers delivered from a friend and once when my husband reminded me how we shouldn't be sad for Ddog as she'd had a lovely life). He's right- I'm sad for me and how my life changes as opposed to sad for her for passing so peacefully.

Interesting about the animal communicator's belief- our Ddog 2 has been so much calmer this week; she doesn't seem to be 'grieving' as such but definitely more gentle with us, not jumping up on the kitchen side etc. that might be because I take her for a walk everytime I'm sad and need to cry so she's probably exhausted!

@BlackBean2023 youre doing better than me with the crying! I can't stop! So glad you've got ddog 2 to comfort you. What a brave girl ahe is 😍it also sounds like you've got a really good support network x

I think we should expect it to come in waves; and the bead days after a few good days will knock us for six.

Certainly today the feeling of guilt has been less than one of sadness.

I've been grateful for the ability to work flexibly this week for sure.

@BlackBean2023 I've not had a good day yet. Its hit me so hard. I was promised a callback from the vet to last see my boy and as I'd still not heard after 3 weeks I rang today. She hadn't bothered as I'd spoke to the vet that euthanized him last week but I wanted to ask her about the drops she prescribed in Sept. Anyway spoke to the manager and no vet could say either way if weeks worth of drops would help but the fact he practically finished that course prob wouldn't have made a difference. Now I feel all my friends and family think I'm mental and now the vets do too. I've not handled my grief well at all and just looking for reassurance all the time. I've cried so much today 😭

Glad today has been a little easier for you @BlackBean2023. Grief is a complete rollercoaster, I have one or two good days, followed by one or two bad ones. I’m just trying to make the most of the good ones!

@Helplessandheartbroke I hope your vet was able to put your mind at ease. Sometimes we have to just forgive ourselves and accept that it probably won’t have made much difference. We are going through similar feelings about our dog, but you can drive yourself absolutely mad thinking about what you could’ve done differently.

In our own situation, I’m trying so hard to reach a point of acceptance. Ddog knew we loved him, and we tried our best for him. We gave him a loving home, and we spoilt him rotten. That’s what matters ❤️

The last few days have changed my view on human euthanasia. I've always been staunchly for it but now I don't know how we'd support the loved ones who are left behind and the guilt they would feel for 'allowing' it.

Have you thought about speaking to your GP?

@Work2live I spoke to the practice manager she couldn't understand why I wanted to speak to another vet... they must think I'm mental so no its made me feel worse. Youre so right to keep looking at the positives. I was feeling a little better last night looking at photos and videos and seeing the fun we've had over the years but then the realisation that it's all over now hit me harder.

@BlackBean2023 I'm under my gp back for a check up tomorrow. I think its different with humans if they can tell us its what THEY want. The guilt would shift then I think

I have my boys ashes and a little bit of his fur. They are in the box with his collar, a piece of his favourite blanket and his collar. It's been 8 months now but it's still so raw and I can't part with his ashes, he always wanted to be close to me so they will stay with me until I pass and we will be scattered together.

I cry still just at the thought of him, he really was such a beautiful dog, so handsome with the kindest temperament.

Some days are easier then others, but then I have the what if days and the days where I'm just absolutely heartbroken all over again. He was by my side through so much, diagnosis of serious illness l, separation, divorce and was even at my wedding to second husband and served as a page boy.

Little girl dog has bought me so much comfort she has very big boots to fill, its just so sad as I wish they could have both been with me at the same time

I darent scatter my bears ashes in case I leave the area but they're in a little wooden box with his name plaque so I guess the idea is I keep them .

I like the idea of him being scattered with me - I might request that when the time comes .

I've had another cry tonight - it was the thought of him going into the furnace alone 😢.

My dd has got me a framed photo of him . He was so beautiful, such a handsome boy and with the temperament of a teddy bear . Just so placid and sweet . For his size it was a good job because he was easily the biggest German shepherd I ever seen . His daddy was a show dog and very successful and my boy was the spitting image of him . Yet he was absolute putty in my hands despite his size . I miss him so badly. It's awful . My little man has only just started eating properly again . Seems we are both feeling his absence.

He was just a big soft bear .

@Tara336 I'm so sorry you're still feeling so raw, I suspect I'll be the same at your stage. Thanks for sharing these wonderful memories ❤ and how lovely he was your page boy!!! I was watching videos last night of my boy fighting with Henry the hoover haha and when my dh bought a dog mask to confuse him! I could smile at those. Love the idea of having your ashes scattered together, I think I would like that too.

@capabilityfrowns your little man is probably feeling it as much as you are. 💙 give each other lots of cuddles tonight! I've cried as much today as the day it happened I think. Everyone's different with ashes. Dh spoke about spreading our boys but I wanted him home with me and I talk to him constantly. Morning, during the day and I say goodnight to him x

Gorgeous photo x

OK@Helplessandheartbroke. please please don’t take this the wrong way. I’m writing this with my beloved young Bengal at the end of my bed and with all luck it’ll be a decade before she goes.

We have a huge number of responsibilities as cat owners. Some of them are how long they live, some are how they live. That’s the responsibility we get as earthly shepherds of their souls. Mine apparently gets to be a very fat doughnut - what a silly - for the starting years of her life. Goodness knows I’ll probably need a double amputation in her later years.

its really, really OK to cry. I don’t care if you’re the crossest and toughest young man in the marines, just howl. It’s easier for me as a delicate female with a blanket but get something (blankets are awesome) to cry into and to something. The feeling has to come out and i would lay good money your colleagues will respect you for a weep.

@CeciledeVolangesdeNouveau oh I'm a wear my heart on my sleeve, cry at anything and everything including adverts, 34 year old woman and I'm proud! I just don't want everyone thinking I've lost the plot through all the reassurance I've been seeking. I also think dh could be a little more sensitive too and realise we all grieve differently! Is it mother cat that's quite fat? Velvet didn't look fat on her photo. How are you this evening?

Morning all. As expected, after a relatively good day yesterday I've hit a wall today and cried solidly since 7.30. No particular trigger, just a real desire to wind the clock back 5 years to what I would probably describe as the most content part of my life; since then I've lost two very close loved ones, changed jobs twice (I love my job now- just, change...) and now lost DDog. I'm also 34 so know I have a whole life ahead but at the moment can only think about all the other awful things I have coming, not the happy things. Fear of the unknown I suppose.

@BlackBean2023 I'm so sorry you're having a horrible morning! This was me yesterday so I completely sympathise. I'm sorry to hear of your other losses too! Sounds like a rough few years. Can you take a sick day from work and have a 'me' day? Nice hot bath, films, chocolate? Lots of cuddles with ddog 2? X