Heartache after saying goodbye- support thread

[Helplessandheartbroke]

I'm in agony after losing our boy 2.5 weeks ago. I had another thread deleted as it was too outing but realised quickly there's many of us suffering. Anyone want to join hands?

I'm also 34 so know I have a whole life ahead but at the moment can only think about all the other awful things I have coming, not the happy things. Fear of the unknown I suppose.

I feel like this too. I know I have things to look forward to, but I can’t shake the feeling of worrying about the other sad things that will happen (particularly as a close relative has just been diagnosed with cancer). It’s definitely a fear of the unknown.

I'm working flexibly this week so will finish early and am going to take tomorrow afternoon off. I feel better when I'm out of the house.

I have a history with anxiety but have never medicated before. I'm going to leave it another week but may need to speak to my GP. This is the most out of control it's ever felt.

@Work2live I'm sorry to hear about your relative. Have you suffered loss in the past? I have but I have to say losing my boy has hit me harder than the rest. My grandma has told me she's worried how ill cope when she and other close relatives pass due to how much I'm grieving over my boy...

@BlackBean2023 I'm just back from my gp, there's no shame in reaching out. I've always self managed my ocd and anxiety but before losing my boy things really got on top so when I lost him too I took the medication previously offered. I didn't want to be home at all the first couple of weeks. Getting out will definitely do you some good. Do something for you

@BlackBean2023 How's this afternoon been?

@Iheartmysmart did you manage to get out?

@Helplessandheartbroke I have experienced loss, but only what I would describe as 'expected' loss, e.g. grandparents who lived a long and happy life, so although their death was very sad, it wasn't unexpected and they'd had a great life. Ddog is the first loss I've really experienced that feels unfair.

I hope your visit to your GP was helpful. I am so up and down, going to give it another couple of weeks, but if I'm still struggling by the end of the month I might also book an appt with my GP.

@Work2live I'm with you. It's very unfair and it's the fact we had to play God I'm struggling with. Always a niggle did we do that right thing... despite lots of reassurance and knowing he would have been in pain, another major op and then have no eyes. Then would have been miserable and scared all the time... gp doubled my dosage so ill see how I go on. I've actually had a better day today. Only cried once I think... I know you're not into it but about 3 days after we departed, I saw a very strange rainbow. It was like a horseshoe shape with a giant white cloud in the middle of it. I keep telling myself it was him.

I would defo recommend speak to gp if youre struggling. Have you spoke to the blue Cross?

@Helplessandheartbroke How are you? It sounds like you’ve had a rather rough week 💐Thinking about whether you made the right decision or not is so hard. I try and remember the ‘better a week early than a day late’ saying. Which is easier said than done!

I’ve had DS back from Uni this week so he’s kept me busy with mountains of laundry and never ending demands for food. We’ve had a couple of walks together and talked about DDog and how strange it is without him.

I have seen a rescue dog which sounds like it would be ideal for me but I have reservations which probably means I should leave it for now.

The evenings seem very long when I’m sat in my own. The fish aren’t particularly good company!

Oh and I should have said welcome to everyone else who has had the misfortune to join the club that nobody wants to be in.

I've picked up my boy's ashes today - I will be ok but it has hit me harder than I thought, even though of course I knew I would be upset.

@Danascully2 thanks for joining and sharing and I'm so sorry for your loss. How are you doing? The support on thus group is amazing!

@Iheartmysmart I'm so glad you've had some company. The lonely nights must be shit! When you're ready you will have a new companion! Tell us about the rescue you've seen x

@Danascully2 It’s horrible isn’t it. Like losing them all over again. I wasn’t sure if I wanted DDog’s ashes back at the time. It just felt too raw, but DS wanted them and I’m glad we did.

It is weird. Think winter is the worst as you don’t naturally go out as much. I’m in a flat so we had to go out a lot! Our last walk was usually about 10pm and we’d see the foxes out playing and the occasional bat. And always the same group of people doing their last walk of the day.

I’ve seen a little terrier. He’s 5 and has spent the last 3 years in the rescue centre. Sounds like he bonds to one person and can’t cope with family life which rules out a lot of homes. He likes walking and camping, which I do as well and, unless DS is here, I live alone and don’t really have many visitors. On paper we are a perfect match. The only thing that concerns me is if I have to go away with work, my mum would have had my old boy but she has Parkinson’s now so isn’t as mobile. Not sure if she could cope with a dog with issues!

Thank you, it is rubbish and sorry you are all dealing with it too. I am definitely doing better and I like looking at pictures now. Still hurts though and working from home doesn't help as he would normally be with me all day at this time of year before heartlessly abandoning me as soon as the garden was warm enough... I just noticed this is in the doghouse section - hopefully I won't be expelled for having lost a cat instead! He was quite doglike in some ways though - he tried hard to come out for walks with us and would steal pretty much any food including half frozen pitta breads, popcorn and other not very feline snacks...

@Danascully2 you absolutely won't be expelled and will even make a friend with @CeciledeVolangesdeNouveau. A loss is a loss cat or dog and were all here for support and to support one another. How long has it been since you lost your dear friend?

@Iheartmysmart I bet you're missing all those walks! My boy had a 10-20 min weekdays then we made sure he had good walks weekend weather dependent but when dry lots of nature walks etc. He was a bull bread so didn't need loads of exercise. It's a shame about the rescue, do you not think your mum would manage?

@Danascully2 even if we make our own thread you’re not alone, but these seem like lovely people even in bereavement. Those of us who have lost cats - I’ve also lost horses and those are lots closer to unhealed abscesses so I’ve only mentioned them tangentially in this site- are going through a very similar thing and can provide support is my belief.

We’re all mourning a furry friend and they are just as important as our human friends.

Do rescues ever have ways of helping people if they need to go away for work, @Iheartmysmart ?

We had a part Maine Coone when DS was small. She was absolutely obsessed by him and the pair of them would play for hours. When DS was old enough to walk to school on his own, the cat would often follow him and I’d get a call from his teacher to go and pick her up as she was distracting the children. We were all gutted when we lost her to kidney failure when she was only 10. Such a character.

We would be out around 6 times a day! Which I think maybe why I’m finding it so difficult to adjust. I literally organised my life around walks. Some days we’d have done about 3 hours of walking. Filling those hours when it’s cold and dark are a challenge.

Probably more worried that mum would struggle more as her disease progresses. She’s already a bit unsteady on her feet. My old boy was happy to potter in the garden with her, digging up bulbs as fast as she planted them! Then they’d have a cup of tea and a biscuit before having a nap!

@ErrolTheDragon Possibly. I guess the problem is that sometimes I have to go away at short notice and the rescue is a good couple of hours away. My ex husband was also happy to have DDog at short notice, but he now works too far from home to get back at lunchtime.

When you’re on your own with a dog you need a reliable Plan B just in case. And I don’t really have that at the moment.

Aww thanks everyone. It's been 2 weeks today. He was an old boy so I knew it was coming but it was still hard making the decision and explaining to the children why we couldn't let him carry on. And a few other things going on in life which have been a bit tricky in combination with it.

IMO this a significant advantage cats have over dogs. You need a sharp eye on them for a fortnight and then if they’re needy they’ll stick to you, if they aren’t they’ll be in Lincolnshire (.I’m assuming you’re in Renfrewshire and they’re far away from each other) every other day and curled up in their nice warm basket every everning.

@CeciledeVolangesdeNouveau I think I mentioned about my sister losing her loan horse. It was so rough on her. So while I couldn't associate directly, I knew how my sister was so can empathise. But any furry friend is a loss regardless. They're all part of the family. I think cats are a little different in how independent they can be ( not house cats as such) my grandma went on a cruise recently for 2 weeks. My sister stayed at her house to look after the cat. She's She's definition of a scardy cat and didn't come in for 12 whole days! She could easily be a stray...

@Iheartmysmart you're right. You do need a plan b with dogs for holidays too and such. Is your son finishing uni soon?

@Danascully2 it must have been rough for the kids. I'm sorry. My ds is 3 and has asd so while he will know my boy isn't here, he doesn't quite understand

Yes I think it's about the relationship we have with them not the type of pet. Some cats will disappear when anyone unknown appears but still be very affectionate with their family. Ours was quite confident with strangers and also a bit of a homebody and didn't go very far even in his younger days. So after 15 years it's very odd not having him around.

I think the kids are ok about it, possibly partly because I'd been telling them for a while that he was old. They are at an age to understand but still be quite matter of fact about it. Although the many many questions from one of them about the mechanics of it all were not quite what I needed on the day...

But kids don't always respond in the same way as us - I can imagine it popping up at some point in future. A 3 year old must be tricky in a different way with not quite understanding.

I'm sure we will have questions from them in the future and maybe our hearts will be better prepared by then ♥