Heartache after saying goodbye- support thread

[Helplessandheartbroke]

I'm in agony after losing our boy 2.5 weeks ago. I had another thread deleted as it was too outing but realised quickly there's many of us suffering. Anyone want to join hands?

Today has been emotional. Lots of 'firsts' and an overwhelming sense of guilt - did she know what happened and feel betrayed by me in her final moments? Completely irrational I know; I watched her drift into an immediate sleep and she was completely pain free. I can't imagine ever not missing her without my heart aching.

The younger pup has been lovely today- she's clearly missing her friend but has given us some lovely cuddles and chased squirrels round the woods earlier whilst I had a quiet cry to myself.

Glad you've had good days ladies - I'm looking forward to those brighter days.

@BlackBean2023 thanks for posting I've been thinking of you today. ❤ I'm the last person that should be telling you not to feel guilty because I blame myself 24/7 but your gorgeous girl would tell you she was ready if she could. I'm glad the younger one has been a comfort to you. Do you have a partner? X

@Helplessandheartbroke I know you're struggling with guilt and what ifs. I think that's healthy actually. It means you feel things deeply and can reflect on your behaviour. Our beloved animals can't make decisions like this for themselves. So we have to. We have done our best. And that's as good as it gets. Now I've experienced these deaths I think I will be able to use what I've learned in future. I can't change the past.
It's almost unbearably hard but I keep going, because I have to. I've watched some YouTube videos about grief and they have helped a bit. We need all the help we can get x

Now I've experienced these deaths I think I will be able to use what I've learned in future.

I agree with this, if I ever get another dog I now know what I will and won’t do. Prior to putting my girl to sleep I had read up and informed myself but the reality didn’t play out as perfectly as I had presumed it would, I won’t let that happen again.

@rumred your words completely resonate with me but the guilt has completely consumed me in an unhealthy way. I didn't and still don't 100 percent know how to get through that side. It was so bad i couldn't get out of bed and that's not me at all. I'm constantly filled with anxiety over it. I did watch 1 youtube video shared on here by @Work2live and @ErrolTheDragon and @CeciledeVolangesdeNouveau have given me good advice. Listening to everyone else's story has helped knowing I'm not alone.

How is everyone today?

I'm OK so far, thanks for asking.
Perhaps we all feel a level of guilt. I know people quote the week too late etc. But our animals can't communicate what they need so it's always a best guess I think. It's healthy to feel grief and sorrow. Maybe you're being too hard on yourself @Helplessandheartbroke and you need to let it run it's course. However it is worth interrupting the awful thoughts, they are just that, thoughts not real. Easier said than done I know.

I think some feelings of guilt are very common and completely normal. It's a decision we make out of pure love and kindness, but it's still difficult to get past the thought that you are the one who made the euthanasia decision.

Hope everyone is doing ok today.

Thanks ladies. I'm really not having a good day. I just walked through the door and when he wasn't there again... I just burst into tears. I'm missing him so much 😢 you're right @Work2live I keep thinking he could still be here now, he would have no eyes and would be afraid and probably depressed but he could still be here x

@Helplessandheartbroke yes, I have a DH. We're all struggling. I went into work yesterday but today I feel more overwhelmed and have worked (use that term very loosely!) from home this morning. It's actually worse as I keep looking up expecting to see her. I guess it's a case of retraining the muscle memory.

I can't shake the feeling that I 'killed' her. The guilt is overpowering the sadness at the moment and I need to get it in check.

I understand this completely. I feel the same - but rationally we know this is selfish. We were kind and brave and we're paying the ultimate price for love xx

@BlackBean2023 I'm with you! I really am. The first week my boss gave me off then I was off Xmas week anyway. Last week dh and ds were home so today is my first day working at home alone when he would usually be here eating biscuits with me! I can't see it ever getting easier and the pain is unbearable. How's your dh been? X

Youre absolutely right. Everyone I spoke to agreed with our decision and said it wouldn't be fair to have kept him here but I think what if he was ok and didn't mind... it is because we loved them so much were going through this pain x

He's sad too. He's not normally a crier but I heard him sobbing in bed last night. I feel (it's just a feeling he's not said anything) as though he blames me for making the decision - I think he'd have let her go on another few months until she went her own way or was really really poorly.

@BlackBean2023 100 percent not blaming you and I know this from my own experience. I was bringing our boy home to try and my dh got annoyed with me saying it wasn't the right thing to do so I made him make the ultimate decision. I'm not blaming him for it 1 bit as he loved our boy but he's much more logical than I am so I knew he would do what was right and your dh knows you would have too. Also the vet wouldn't have given it as an option if it wasn't right x

Both of you are clearly having very hard days. I’m sorry and sending love. Don’t forget that as much as you loved them, they loved you. So if they were still alive they’d be struggling with their health issues and wondering why mummy and daddy are so upset and why they can’t make it better at the same time. It is so difficult to miss an animal who has become a fixture of your house. The pain does ease. I’m not saying it’s easy particularly in the early stages. It’s not and you shouldn’t feel pressure to ignore it. But it goes away a bit. In the meantime your darlings are sleeping away quietly, free from pain and troubles. You had to take on the terrible burden of that decision and it is horrible, and while I’d absolutely advise against trying to rush out and find a replacement, in time there might be room for a different pet who needs your love and self-sacrifice (both of which come off in your posts) who will dwell in the gap they’ve left. Not fill it in the same way but bring joy and need you in different ways.

Also re your husband crying - it’s just heart wrenching. Whenever it happens and whoever makes the decision. It’s going to hurt and you have each other if your relationship is such that you can talk through the decision or your grief or both. It always feels unfair to have to be the one making the decision, but someone definitely has to and your reasoning was really sound. I was given the charge of deciding when our old cat was PTS and with my dad persuaded my mother to keep him alive longer than she wanted - he was a bit shabby and thin but definitely still enjoying his food and cuddles. When the moment came I had to say it was time and the same night my mother screamed at me “you murderer”. It rouses harsh feelings in everyone because losing a loved one is tough whether it’s a parent, a pet or a flipping canary.

@CeciledeVolangesdeNouveau that you got your kind words and for sharing what you went through. Your mum of course didn't mean that and was just angry and upset x

@Wantmyangelback sorry I missed your post. How are you doing?

Thank you @CeciledeVolangesdeNouveau

I went into the office this afternoon- I feel more in control there. One of my colleague had bought me some lovely flowers and on my way home I picked up some paw prints from our vet. The lady was lovely, and reiterated that the vet wouldn't have put her to sleep unless he thought it best so to kick any guilt to the kerb. I'm going to write myself a letter tonight to read when I feel irrational.

My lovely pup is stepping into the fold and giving me a cuddle just like her pal used to

@BlackBean2023 that's lovely you've got her paw prints! I didn't think of that and wish I'd have got a lock of his hair too! How are you all this evening?

I hope everyone’s days haven’t been too bad.

Today has been a down day for me, I really miss him. I came home with some shopping earlier and edged the front door open, expecting to see his nose poking around it to see what I’d bought. Just one of those tiny moments where I’d forgotten he wasn’t here any more. Soul crushing.

@Work2live I'm so sorry to hear that! That's every time I open the front door I cried a lot today too. How's your other half doing? I'm not gonna say I'm annoyed at how well mine is doing but I guess I am a little! Did you buy any wine from shopping? If so pour a glass! X

@Helplessandheartbroke DH is doing ok, slightly better than me I think! He still has the odd teary moment. He bloody loved that dog.

No wine today unfortunately but lots of chocolate to make up for it.

Sorry to hear you’ve cried a lot today. It’s so normal though. I think I’ve only had one or two days when I haven’t cried since we lost him.

@Work2live nice hot bath and lots of chocolate! My dh cried when he realised our boys sight had gone (he knew what was next) he cried most of the day after the vets but I've not known him to since! He doesn't seem to realise the pain I'm still in yet he loved the dog so much... maybe he can just switch off easier than me? I think its why I've found speaking to others so comforting x

Is anyone on tonight?