Heartache after saying goodbye- support thread

[Helplessandheartbroke]

I'm in agony after losing our boy 2.5 weeks ago. I had another thread deleted as it was too outing but realised quickly there's many of us suffering. Anyone want to join hands?

@Iheartmysmart thank you for your kind words. I just can't help the constant blame to myself its agonising. My gp said even if his eye had been caught slightly wouldn't have caused the glaucoma and as he didn't yelp etc prob didn't catch his eye!

It's so strange about your car. My car is being sold today so last night I was emptying mine out and found an old harness from when he was a pup and seat belt! I've kept them too.

Sorry you've been upset too. Have you been managing to get out for walks? X

I get it. Grief is totally illogical isn’t it. My old boy went rapidly downhill after I took him to the vets and they gave him painkillers and other meds. That night he didn’t settle at all and just whimpered all night. Then he was put to sleep the next morning. I keep thinking what if I hadn’t taken him the day before, was it the meds that made him so poorly. Makes no sense but still weighs heavy on my mind.

That is very strange! I’m going to put them away for now and revisit another time.

I have thank you. Apart from yesterday when I had 10 hours of pretty much back to back work calls! Typical as the weather was lovely!

@Iheartmysmart I guess we will all wonder what if... its torture isn't it and you're right it is illogical. I've told myself I'm a terrible person and everythings my fault. Despite lots of reassurance but this is my MH talking isn't it. I blame myself for ds SEN too. 😪 sorry just venting it helps to write things down.

The memory boxes I shared above are nice. Hope you manage to get out today x

@Helplessandheartbroke No you’re not a terrible person at all. A terrible person would have let their dog suffer and you didn’t. Feel free to vent as much as you like. It’s far better to express your feelings than keep them bottled up.

They are lovely memory boxes. I need to get one. His ashes are in a beautiful box which looks exactly like him. Even down to the soft toy!

I’m just going out now to take a parcel to the Post Office. A pair of shoes I’ve been procrastinating over! It’s blowing a blooming gale here.

@Iheartmysmart thank you and I feel I did let him suffer with his cysts in his paws etc I know I'm being ridiculous.

That box for his ashes is amazing! What a gorgeous way to store them.

Weather's not too bad here today are you further north?

@Helplessandheartbroke I'm ok somedays others I cry out of nowhere, I am slowly getting rid of things he hardly wore, used or played with. Some things I'll.never part with because they are his special things. I miss him terribly he was one in a million. Scruffy pup is lovely she won't replace him thats impossible but I enjoy her company and I do miss her when I go anywhere she can't come with me. I saw the vet that usually looked after my boy yesterday as scruffy pup was spayed and having a check up, i wanted to ask about what happened but I didn't have the courage, I was scared I'd cry again.

@Tara336 how did your boy pass sorry I can't remember. Dont ever be afraid to ask. I rang and spoke to the vet a couple of weeks after and she reassured me we did the right thing. It's awful to suffer such a huge loss. I honestly feel your pain x

I don't know If this is helpful or not but with the spare time I have in the evenings not walking ddog I've been having a bath instead of a shower. Sort of fills the gap and helps me relax x

Hey is anyone on?

How's everyone doing?

My son came home for the weekend, first time since last weekend when it happened, he was saying he'd been reading and if we had stopped this meds and he had iv fluids maybe be here now. I just said his little body had enough and it would have been for a short time. It's hard seeing him so upset.

@Zandra123 how is ds? We can all sit and say if I'd have done xyz as me and @Iheartmysmart were saying earlier. Same with humans. How do you know when to turn off life support etc. My boy could still be here now but he would have no eyes and be petrified and probably miserable. Dont let it play on your mind like I have. It does you no good x

I should say he's 28 but he's Asperger's and no friends, the dog was so good for him. He's also a research scientist and has been obsessed with finding ways to keep him going. I have loads of health powders n stuff here.

So he came in and looked at the urn in tears, we talked a lot, and also about quality of life and stuff like that, how we couldn't have done more,

I hope to keep him busy this weekend, but got to watch his mental health. His sister is good at that too tho.

Hope weekend is good for everyone

@Zandra123 that must have been tough. My ds is autistic but thankfully he doesn't understand where our boy is.

I can't stop thinking about him. It's almost 7 weeks and still feels so raw.

Picking up our new car this morning. I hope you can have some nice family time this weekend x

Is anyone on today? If so how are you? X

We got Daisy’s ashes back today so I’ve spent the day in tears again, I still miss her and can’t get over the decision we made to say goodbye, how are you today?

@Ineedwinenow I'm so sorry 😞 I feel for you as I know what it's like. We picked winstons ashes up on the way home from a lodge we'd booked so he could come with us. The whole time we were away I cried and kept thinking how he should have been with us.

I'm still not at peace with our decision. I thought I was but now thinking we should have done more. Dh said today he would have paid thousands if he thought there was a chance to save his sight but he knew it wasn't possible. I'm thinking but what if it was? It's honestly been the worse 7 weeks of my life.

Hope you're ok and sending best wishes and virtual hugs 🫂 have a wine, I am x

I am drinking lots of wine! sorry your feeling guilty too, we are hard on ourselves aren’t we ☹️

My husband said it’s the last act of kindness we can do but I feel like a gave her a death sentence and not the peaceful dignified ending she deserved

@Ineedwinenow raising my glass to you. Your dh is right and logically we know this but us women have the motherly instinct in us. I have to be careful as I made dh make the decision, I was bringing him home but I knew dh was more logical than me.

The guilt has torn me apart. I also keep blaming myself for him going blind wondering what if it was this or that like catching his head in door (by accident) and I know it's ridiculous but its on my mind 24/7.

Have you decided what to do with daisy's ashes?

What's your plans for tomorrow? Can you keep yourself busy? X

We are hopefully going to get a family member scatter hers with mine and my husbands when the time comes as we all want to go together

My husband’s family have flown over for the week so we are suppose to be seeing them but I don’t feel like it to be honest

@Ineedwinenow that'll be lovely! If you can, try and go. Keep your mind busy for a short time. Daisy would want you to be happy x

@Helplessandheartbroke he was diabetic but because I'll suddenly pooing blood and bleeding from his mouth. We rushed to vet they did tests said he had internal bleeding and no red blood cells, there was the possibility of a blood transfusion but it would affect the diabetes and was therefore risky and not straight forward. The vet said it would be unpleasant and stressful. I knew he had reached the end I'd watched him losing weight over a couple months. I was told I did the right thing. But I want to know why it happened so I can understand, she thought he may have had cancer but I didn't ask where I was too upset

@helplessandheartbroke
New car that's exciting,

We've spent a lot of time talking about what happened, what if we'd done this or that earlier. But then I thought after a long illness you're looking at leaving him once again in vet hospital and more needles and painful stuff, with little chance of recovery mine , was a clingy boy and would have been very distressed.

He did spend three days in the hospital when he got sick back in August, they kept him in an oxygen kennel and managed to stabilise him. It was amazing to get him back then, they brought him through and I sat on the floor while he was wagging his tail and climbing all over me, but I didn't want to do that again to him.

We wouldn't be on here posting if we didn't care about and love them so very much, maybe I'd do things a bit differently knowing what I do now, but I went from nothing to knowing lots about dogs hearts and murmurs and what the drugs do in a very short time. Got to try and be kind to ourselves I guess.

Daisy was diabetic too, she was only diagnosed 3 weeks before we said goodbye

Her whole body started to shut down and she went downhill very quickly, within one week of diagnosis she got a UTI infection, bacterial infection in her jaw, another different infection in her body, her chest started filling up with fluid, we managed it all with medication and the day before she died she was doing really well and we thought we had Daisy back, but that all changed a few hours later at 12am, we were up all night with her and she declined rapidly that day Despite having emergency injections from her vets, we said goodbye at 10:10pm ☹️

I was suggested to come on this thread form my own post by @Helplessandheartbroke. I’m sorry to hear about everyone’s losses. On Monday I lost my Boston terrier he was 2 months off being 6 years old, I made the very difficult decision to PTS my beloved little one. Maybe before it got worse because he started to be incontinent and weeing and pooing in his own bed. His symptoms were this:

what looked like constipation in 2020/21 but was discovered he had hemivertebrae I spine T13/L1 affected. So the poop was actually hard like constipation it’s was soft so the vet said it’s more likely he’s having trouble pooping because of the spinal condition he had one evacuation of poop under general when the vet took the X-ray the amount of poop inside was so much it filled the entire space vet couldn’t believe he wasn’t show signs of discomfort which made me worry would my little guy even show discomfort because he was such a good quiet loving boy just happy to be near your feet or in the same room near the radiator or fire etc.

seizures that would happen in clusters over days or weeks then stop for a few months and start again

Stopped drinking water for 4 months. (Must of been getting atleast some moisture from his food)

urinating lots even though he wasn’t drinking - I still didn’t get to the bottom of this how this was possible?

not pooping properly would go days without or a very long time and strain terribly for a long time trying his little best this went on for nearly 2 years :( - the hemivertebrae could of been likely cause of this as the vet has told me this.

Weight loss slowly over time but extreme weight loss in last 3 months or so - I still didn’t get the bottom of this what this could have been?

started last few weeks incontinence of poop and wee started to do it in his own bedding which he never did years prior- it wasn’t confirmed but this may have been the hemivertebrae.

I have been racked with guilt all week and so very upset this was little one and I loved him as a family member. He looked so frail and thin but he went to sleep at home surrounded by love. I wish I could afford to keep going but I thought even if I had the money with all the above would it of been cruel to keep treating if only to prolong life for a year or two or so?

Just to add onto my post the lovely vet that PTS my little one. Rubbed along side of him and said how thin he was…she said the hemivertebrae more likely was causing the issue of not pooping, but the not drinking water and weight loss and seizures may have indicated diabetes kidney disease or failure. Obviously without blood tests and other tests she couldn’t say that definitely it was that but it made it sound more was going on that I thought. I was just really curious about the being able to live without drinking water!