Heartache after saying goodbye- support thread

[Helplessandheartbroke]

I'm in agony after losing our boy 2.5 weeks ago. I had another thread deleted as it was too outing but realised quickly there's many of us suffering. Anyone want to join hands?

Hey ladies, sorry I've not been on. I had far too much to drink last night and I've been terribly hung over today! First blow out I've had since departing with my boy and I cried all the way home! Thank you for your replys about me feeling guilty. You don't think I'm a terrible and neglecting person then....

How's every today?

Hello all. I understand @Helplessandheartbroke - I was doing Dry January until DDog passed. Don't think alcohol helps though!

I am feeling a lot of guilt - not so much about the decision as about the relief. The fact is life is much easier and calmer without a mentally ill dog in it. We've already got rid of the stair gate, the muzzle, the crates in the car... And our other dog, also a Sprocker, is so happy. He isn't hiding under tables any more. It's his time to shine. But bloody hell, I feel guilty admitting it 😞

@Memba to me this just proves you did the right thing for everyone including ddog who was obviously not happy.

I'm a peace with the decision we made now. Having a dog with no eyes, the size he was too would have been cruel. I'm just now torturing myself for not doing something for his cysts. Everyone on here will be fed up of me saying this now as is my dh but ocd means you obsess and this is sadly my obsession now.

Youre right about alcohol but sometimes we need a blow out. I only get drunk occasionally otherwise its just a couple of glasses of wine on a weekend. Did you go out yesterday? Or was that someone else...

Didn't go out - that must've been someone else. We had friends over and had a few glasses of wine with them. Last time they were here was Boxing Day and we had to warn them not to move their feet because DDog was under the table and he might snap...

Must be so much harder to manage thoughts and feeling at a time like this if you also have OCD but it sounds like you made all the right decisions when you needed to.

@Memba sounds like a lovely evening!

It is very hard to manage with my ocd it has worsened my grieving massively. To dh we loved and lost. To me I neglected him then killed him... its awful 😥

Is anyone on tonight? Worried I've scared everyone off 😆

I'm here !
Just asked my little mans breeder I she can have him while I'm away in sept . Need him to be with someone will
Love him .

You didn't

You did the very best by him you could . And that's love .
Please don't think like that . X

Guilt is pointless

3 days before my boy was pts I took an entire box of tramadol. I'm ill - I'm really ill - and I wanted to end my life . If one more person tells me how well I look I'm going to scream . My symptoms could be CJD, terminal within a year , or MS , or any number of things I can't control.

If i had been successful, my ex husband would have had my big bear but I know he wouldn't have picked up the signs he wasn't well and his tumour would have burst - he would have died in pain and shock .

I feel absolutely terrible about that . I survived for a reason . The reason was my boy needed me to ensure he didn't die in pain and suffering. And I did exactly that .
That is love . In the end - it's all we can do . Ensure they don't die in pain and suffering. The most pure act of love there is . And trust me - I'm scared about my prognosis- and if it's bad news - I'm going to dignitas because I want the same love I gave my boy - no suffering- no pain. I want that . I feel honoured I gave him that end . It was my final act of love and adoration for him . I loved him wholeheartedly. I would never have wanted him to suffer . That he didn't gives me peace . I'd like that same courtesy if I'm terminal .

Good Lord @capabilityfrowns I am SO sorry. There are just no words to make it better so please let me send as positive feelings as I can over the internet. I agree with you that it really is one of the kindest and hardest things at the same time that we can do, but please let me quote compline (again, I think I’ve done it upthread): Lord, grant us a quiet night and a perfect end. That’s a prayer mediaeval people and up to the present day used to say daily. Literally begging God for the kind of death we can give our pets before the suffering and indignity begins.

@Helplessandheartbroke among many other things I’ve been diagnosed with OCD so I’m going to keep saying therapy is a good idea and adjusting or starting new meds. It makes things like this so much more difficult to cope with. But I PROMISE you the cysts didn’t change quality of life or life expectancy probably much, particularly on the paws. Even if they made him ache a little, I think he was probably happy hobbling around after you enough that his last months were still joyful. I’m trying desperately to think of an analogy - it’s a bit like an older or in my case younger person with a hip, knee or back problem. It might hurt but we don’t ache and think oh dear, time to die. We might seriously reconsider if diagnosed with muscular dystrophy though.

Cecile thank you my lovely . I'm absolutely fine with what's coming . I really am .

Xxx

You sound like a super strong person, Capability, and a brave one too (I believe they’re slightly different). I think we have to be to deal with having such pure and loving friends who we have to decide when they leave us early but peacefully - I butchered that grammar-wise but you get what I mean and it’s late at night. I’ll never forget my grandmother’s little “oh” when we saw a stray she had been trying to entice in for two years or more dead at the side of the road having been knocked over. By the time I’d finished my workday the cat was buried. Grandmother hasn’t really got over it though.

Bless her . She did something lovely though .

I'm not brave . I'd just be relieved to know what this is . MRI on brain spine and other bits next week .

If it's bad news I'm totally prepared. I have a plan in place and I will be in control and absolutely fine!

Got some really weird symptoms! And fell over my own feet Thursday. No idea what happened- the world was just upside down! I've got jerking limbs , memory loss, can't find the right words , mobility problems- blindness in one eye , everyone wants me to be ok - so they're treating me as ok . I just want a diagnosis no matter what that is . Then I can deal with it . I'll be fine . If it's bad - I have plans . If not - I'll get on with it ! X

If this is bad news - I have a very complicated relationship with my dd .

She hates me for leaving her dad . She says we can't be a family anymore. So if I have something not great I worry how she would cope . She is so angry with me - my son will be fine . He's lovely . He'll be ok . He has r for any beef with me . But she has . I'm scared this would affect her beyond my passing . She doesn't really see me anymore. But I know she does love me I I'm ill she be conflicted and confused . I may need to keep it to myself so as not to hurt her . I've reached out to my boys breeder and friend tonight and she would take him . I e a holiday planned and she's said she'll
Have him . 👍. He'll be fine . My little man will be fine .

Again, I just can’t find the words Capability but my heart goes out to you. My medical issues are more self-inflicted due to my MH stuff but there are things going on like I’m literally reacting like a haemophiliac to a light tap and nobody can identify why, so I can honestly empathise on the medical treatment front. Just from your posts on here, I don’t want you out of this world but I understand why you might.

Thank you xxx

I've no death wish ! Just if it's something like CJD I'll be off to dignitas. If it's MS I'll take whatever is on offer !

I hope you are ok x

Re your daughter and your pet (I do feel awkward being a cat and horse person on a dog forum but it was active and I wanted to offer comfort if I could), she - the daughter - is both able to care for herself even if it’s painful and probably there’s a bit of her which might want to reconcile unless you’ve been truly cruel, which it really sounds like you haven’t been. If it’s an imminently terminal diagnosis she should at least know and you might be surprised by her turning up and actually other people doing the same.

You’ve taken care of the person who is truly dependent and needs care and your daughter is an adult, in really utilitarian terms. In an ideal world you’d have a bedside reunion but you may have to survive or depart on scraps or nothing. I don’t want to encourage you at all but if dignitas is how you want to go you will probably go that way.

As a PS it is truly unlikely to be CJD.

Sending all the best.

No I was never cruel . I love her beyond words. She just can't forgive my leaving her dad after 30 years. And tbh I don't really know why I did - but made my bed and have to lie in it !

I'll see what this MRI says . I'm feeling a bit fatalistic but my instinct has never been wrong before so - I don't know .

My wee man - he's such a sweetheart- his mums owner would have him
And I've reached out tonight to check that . My daughter does t like him - he's a terrier with a terrier temper! He's really a toothless tiger but she doesn't like him - his mums owner would take him and she's absolutely lovely . She lost all her fur babies - she had my bus mum , aunt and a westieand ahe lost them all within a year - so I know she'd take my
Little
Man - he's her bitches baby . So I feel better . I booked a holiday for later this year - if I can go I want to - and she said she'd take my little fella so that's great and I rented her house previously so he will feel at home - it's where he used to live .

Thanks I know it's unlikely to be CJD. But I've got the weird symptoms! The lack of coordination and the jerking limbs - it's weird and the eye thing .

I'm sure it's not . More likely MS or something.

I'm being fatalistic. Once I have the MRI I'll know more .

Of course, if I inadvertently accused you of cruelty I apologise. Best of luck for your MRI - with my physical state we might be in neighbouring wards next week!
Re your daughter, I don’t know what to say to help. I was terrified of my dad leaving my abusive mother until about five years ago when I wondered why he doesn’t leave?

I've got a friend who used dignitas- so I'm quite sure if this is incurable and terminal - that's where I'm headed ! While I can . Without help .

I believe we should have the same dignity as we give ur beloved pets . I really do . He cost me £600 that day . For a person it's 10k and a trip
To Switzerland! Doesn't seem right .

@capabilityfrowns @CeciledeVolangesdeNouveau thank you again for your reassurance despite everything you're both going through. Please keep talking on here I feel we can all really support one another especially when you know how it feels. I've got my next cbt session soon but will try and respond fully soon x

Well I just cried through my full cbt session.

@capabilityfrowns you're so good offering me your support when you're going through so much. When are you expecting your diagnosis? I'm sorry to read about what you went through before Xmas and I hope that's now passed. Where have you booked your holiday for? You and dd need to clear the air, its not good for any of you. Do you regret leaving your ex?

@CeciledeVolangesdeNouveau I'm on fluoxitine 40mg and cbt but nothings helping. I know the cysts had nothing to do with his passing and he didn't appear in pain. He had 1 slight limping episode in October when my brother had him as we were away and he thought he had slept funny as didn't limp again... just torturing myself but it's consumed me. How are you getting on? Is velvet back in your room now? What do you do to manage your ocd?

Hi everyone. Is anyone about today? How are you all? Bring me some positivity 😂