Heartache after saying goodbye- support thread

[Helplessandheartbroke]

I'm in agony after losing our boy 2.5 weeks ago. I had another thread deleted as it was too outing but realised quickly there's many of us suffering. Anyone want to join hands?

Sorry, I should make clear the call was early afternoon. The silly singing was about midnight.

@CeciledeVolangesdeNouveau please pm me that haha. Also you need some sleep. He can get home! I'm going to try and get some sleep too. Velvet will be back in the morning please send us a pic when she is! X

I'd like to join you if I may. We said goodbye to our beautiful spaniel on Monday. He had mental and physical health issues but to look at him, you'd think he was fit as a fiddle. The decision to let him go was the hardest we have ever had to make. So so sad. He was only 8.

Thank god we have still got our other dog - his little nephew - here to cheer us up.

@Memba welcome and I'm so sorry to hear about your boy. We all understand what you're going through and I feel for you! My boy would have been 7 in March. You feel robbed don't you! Do you want to tell us about your boy?

Glad you’ve found peace and got a new furry friend @RudolfsLeftToe. And glad to hear it does get a bit easier in time.

Sorry to hear about your boy @Memba 💔 your story sounds quite similar to ours. We lost our boy at a similar age just before Christmas, he also had some mental and physical issues but looked (and acted!) half his age! Which is why it feels so cruel he didn’t get those extra few years he should’ve had.

@Work2live can I please ask your opinion on the guilt I've been feeling. From what I've shared do you think it's valid? I ask as you seem much more pragmatic x

Oof OP that one hurt (unless you are talking about pragmatic compared to you or a silly pet in which case sorry for have interrupted and play on lol!) I’m only joking really.

But rational requires a reason. There is a good reason WHY we feel guilty about having to make the decision to have our best friends’ hearts stop - we love them and feel like we could have done something to stop it, that happens with people too especially with suicides - and whether we have any reason to feel guilt. I’ve done a lot of work in therapy on different emotions and the purpose of guilt is to cause us temporary pain for something bad we actually did to make us function in society better. You have done nothing, I repeat nothing wrong and I’ve spent a lot of time with animals and studied a year of university vet med so I should know. Your vet agrees with me too :)

Posting in halves because of this BLOODY MN bug (am I seriously the only person annoyed by it or in fact experiencing it at all??) but that said, often guilt is difficult to dismiss even when we know it’s not based in fact.

Can you maybe discuss with your GP to chase up a therapy referral or if it helps you, the Samaritans are always awake, and keep posting here? Obviously. But it does sound like your thoughts are getting a little compulsive and taking your mind over besides causing discomfort so that really will help.

If it helps, when I’m in a bad patch my irrational thoughts are much more irrational and I worry about them a lot (there’s some serious stuff in the world and also my life history but let’s worry about whether the explicit stuff you sent to a stranger that one time is going to go viral! Says my mind. It’s normal for a mind under stress. Finally and not line breaking because of th flipping bug I hope you don’t mind I’m replying not @Work2live because they are probably, well, working to live whereas I’m on sick so have more time.

@CeciledeVolangesdeNouveau no I certainly meant more pragmatic than me not you! You've helped me a lot as has @ErrolTheDragon and @miamiamia869 so just wondered others perspectives about the paws thing etc and didn't want to bother our newer comers with it as their grief is so raw and they've come on here for support not to reassure me that I'm not a neglectful and horrible person. His cysts would bleed like when a spot pops and at first we would be checking his paws cleaning them etc but after a bit I guess it just became the norm. Oh one of his cysts have popped again... this is where my guilt lies and I know it seems trivial.

I'm having cbt but it's pointless also on fluoxitine that still hasn't kicked in... I sat crying to my great aunt this morning who has dementia!

How are you feeling today? Did velvet come to you this morning?

Thank you @Helplessandheartbroke and @Work2live

Our boy was a Black and Tan Sprocker - devilishly handsome, rather debonair, super athletic and brilliantly clever. He had the sweetest nature.

But 18 months ago he developed a lump on his tail and at the same time became quite agressive. Turned out the lump was a malignant melanoma. Tail had to be amputated which tipped him over the edge. He was an drugs for anxiety for the next year but his behaviour continued to deteriorate. He bit out daughter, attacked our other dog (seriously) and began guarding anything he perceived to be a resource, including me. The vet said it was 'probably' neurological - maybe the cancer had spread or 'possibly' dementia. The breed rescue couldn't help us. Taking the decision to PTS, and going through with it, was devastating. We are telling ourselves it was best for him because he was so stressed and unhappy but there were days when he was his old happy self, and we will always wonder if it could have turned out differently. I miss him so so so much.

Sorry to meet you all like this

@Memba thank you for sharing please continue to whenever you need. This thread has helped me so much often derailing but it doesn't matter as its got the best mumsnetters on here.

From an outsiders point of view you 100 percent did the best thing for both your boy and your family.

My boy had 1 eye due to losing the other to gloucoma and he developed it in his good eye. He was in pain and out options were to remove that eye too and have a big doh with no eyes, scared and presumably depressed, or pts. We did what we thought was right and that's all we can as pet owners.

Everyone has a story and it's a very sad story and it's us that suffer afterwards our beautiful pets as sound asleep x

Hey op

I don't think guilt is daft - but it doesn't serve any purpose.
I felt guilt that my last few months with my boy were sullied by my health issues and I couldn't do what I used to with him .
I felt guilt that I left it 2 days before taking him to the vet because he seemed to rally a bit .

I felt guilt that my little man doesn't know what happened.

But ultimately, they can't speak , we do our best by them , and we did do our best by them at the end . We saved them from pain and suffering, we held them as they went , and we loved them for their whole lives and beyond and they knew it . And they loved us .
Xxx

@capabilityfrowns thank you for responding. Another slight guilt... I thought I'd held him to the end and as a felt his head go down I ran out the room and calapsed. He hadn't quite gone just asleep then... worse day of my life. Dh was still in there which gives me comfort. I'm sorry you're feeling the guilt too. It would be so much easier if they could tell us. How are you feeling today? Are you OK after your fall?

Guilt is just a useless emotion and your boy won't even understand what guilt is - please forgive yourself. You did your best for him and he will know that .

I'm walking like a mummy as my knees are in bits . I just want answers now . But I'm alright thank you xxx

And if he fell asleep with you there he won't have known anything after that you were there while it mattered x

I , my dd ans my ex hubby stayed with my lad for about 10 mins after - but that was for us not for him . Please don't feel guilty . You were there until he was asleep and unconscious. He was loved and he will no that .

My bear really was such a gentle soul and so good with my little man as a pup .....they really loved each other . The size difference was huge and he could have easily hurt him - but he was a nanny to him . So gentle .

They used to sleep together ❤️

My photos aren't uploading for some reason but you get my drift

Once they’re unconscious it’s 99% likely it’s like they dropped into the deepest sleep and knew nothing any more. What counts was that while he still knew anything, he knew you were there.
As I think I said upthread, after our previous cat was put down (I know cats and dogs are not the same but I seem to be welcome on this thread, sorry) I gave him a huge cuddle which he couldn’t accept earlier in the day due to nausea and abdominal pain and my mother… threw herself on the ground in public which OK but moving on. I was then custodian of his body for 24 hours and trust me it very quickly becomes more than the light going out of their eyes. He was a dignified hunter type of cat and although he had a ceremony of sorts I expect particularly a protective dog would prefer to have a friend at their side but go out bravely without becoming undignified.
Speaking of dignified hunter types - if anyone on this thread wants to let it out with a proper big cry and isn’t aware of this peace, I’d try Elgar’s Nimrod. It is often used for human funerals but was intended to portray a great hunter. What it actually does is make your heart break about everything sad and then resolves into quiet peace, giving you catharsis and resolution. A lot of dogs actually used to be called Nimrod too!

And if you want something to smile at go on to variation XI 'GRS' of the enigma variations and picture this...

My vet asked me if I'd ever had a general anesthetiser

She said you know when they say count backwards from 10 and you get to about 8 and the. Can't remember anything else?

She said that's what it's like for our pets - it's just a bigger dose so once they've gone to sleep the rest is unknown to them .

And I saw that . My bear just drifted off in seconds and less than a minute later his heart had stopped. He had no idea . He went to sleep with his family cuddling him . He knew nothing after that .

As I've said - I'm being investigated for MS - and I can honestly say if that was an option for me I'd take it . Dignitas is 10k . Elitist . My darling boy went to sleep without pain or suffering surrounded by loving people who cuddled him to the end .
I would like that option . He was a lucky boy . Loved his whole life , doted on , and at the end loved until his last breath . Could anything be better than that ?

Our boy had to be sedated before they could insert the canula. That was hard because he hated the vet so we had to muzzle and restrain him while they gave him a sedative. But then he became drowsy and calm, calmer than we'd seen him for a long time, and I had a tub of sausages so he literally drifted off, snaffling sausages, with my voice in his ear telling him he was loved.

@capabilityfrowns yes to what you said. I wish we could do the same thing for humans.

Memba that's lovely - he went to sleep being loved .