Heartache after saying goodbye- support thread

[Helplessandheartbroke]

I'm in agony after losing our boy 2.5 weeks ago. I had another thread deleted as it was too outing but realised quickly there's many of us suffering. Anyone want to join hands?

@ErrolTheDragon I just wish I'd have done more for him. I know hindsight is a wonderful thing but these small things could have made a big difference to his final weeks with us. Dh cleaned his cysts but not as often as we should and not with the Epsom salts recommended... I know I keep going on about it but it's really eating me up. I'm just so sad. Ds is asleep and I really should sleep while he is as he could be up at any time but I'm just going over and over everything in my head 😥i thought I was getting there but clearly I'm not.

Anyway how are you doing? Is dh home this week?

@CeciledeVolangesdeNouveau that's actually a very good analogy. A similar one my brother used when he said he had warts as a kid and my stepmum didn't do anything as they were just warts... I took him and medicated him when needed and nursed him back to health after 4 operations. I know I need to focus on this. Thank you again. How are you this evening?

I'm fine thanks. My DH is still away but should be back next week.

@Helplessandheartbroke no I haven't. Tbh I'm one of them avoid the Dr's, avoid medication, not much faith which is silly I know. I do find the older I get the worse and deeper it gets so I probably should. Everything you say I have practiclt spoke the same words to my husband. I killed him.

Sounds like you have a lot on but trust me you are doing amazing. Coming from someone looking in but also has the same the thoughts it is litrerlt just the mentle tortue of ocd and not true.

Awwww thats so sweet. Dogs just know children are precious and they sense when certain children need that extra love. They know they are needed and do amazing for children with extra needs. The bond must have been beautiful to witness. I can just see the wiggle of his big back end and the little screw tail they have. Love his heart what a gentle soul he was xx

@ErrolTheDragon are you managing to keep yourself busy?

@miamiamia869 thank you for your kind words. As you can probably tell my ocd was taking over me again last night and obsessing over his cysts. My dh thinks I'm mad he said 'he had bloody spots on his toes so what' he doesn't understand me at all. The bond between my 2 boys was amazing!

OK enough self wallowing now. I set this thread up so we ALL had support. You have all shown me a huge amount so I'm ready now to support others. How is everyone?

I'm finding time to exercise! - the January 'really must do something about myself' thing I'm about to do a video then I'll go for a walk in the crisp bright cold, and then work this afternoon (part time from home).

OK enough self wallowing now. I set this thread up so we ALL had support. You have all shown me a huge amount so I'm ready now to support others.

Thats the spirit. Of course it's often easier to give support and advice than to really let it apply to yourself! But I think it's a sort of synergistic thing.

@ErrolTheDragon good on you! I think I would have had a lie in instead haha.

OP you have a point but also we all came willing to rally to your side. So we all want to help and advise and for some of us that’s helping us too!

I’m still staring emergency hospital admission in the face and have had a couple of shaky days with my boyfriend and quite a lot of my mother trying to absorb the cat (who prefers me) ‘s attention. But boyfriend is still being lovely and I’m not actually dead and neither is cat! I hope.

@CeciledeVolangesdeNouveau thank you! Will you still be on here to help me in another 12 months? Lol I've really tried today but cried a lot! I went in the office for the first time since and people who knew my boy (a couple from work have helped look after him in the past if I've been away or working late) he had also been in the office with me a couple of times on a Saturday so people were coming over offering a hug etc and I just broke down!

What can we do to stop you being admitted? I'm glad your bf is supportive! Do you and your mum get on well?

@miamiamia869 sorry just to address you struggling with the ocd if you don't fancy meds you could ask about cbt

Thanks OP. The first few months are the sharpest for bereavement and grief but it dulls to a lasting ache. Of course I’ll still be here in a year if you want me to be.
Re the admission, I might need it and although I am aware of the number of people needing such beds it’ll be a short one (even when in ITU it was a week). My relationship with my mother is emphatically not good.

@CeciledeVolangesdeNouveau I'd love you to still be here in a year! You ladies have been amazing despite dealing with so much yourself!

Sorry whats ITU? Do you feel you will be admitted for the depression or is there more to it? I got the feeling about your relationship with your mum I'm sorry to hear that it must add added pressure x

How's everyone getting on?

Hi @Helplessandheartbroke, how was your day?

Mine was mixed! I’ve actually had a much better week overall, keeping busy has definitely helped. But DH has been quite sad today, which I found really tough.

@Work2live I really tried today but failed. I'm so glad to hear you're having a positive week! Sorry to hear dh is struggling. There's no words to describe this hurt. Sending hugs x

OP you didn’t fail. Sorry to sound increasingly like a gospel preacher, but you got something done definitely. Sometimes my list starts and ends with “sitting up” and when I’m on an emergency admission it’s a huge achievement to get out of bed to let it be changed. Did you get dressed? Eat a meal? Send a text to a friend? All huge achievements.

I agree with @CeciledeVolangesdeNouveau - I’m sure you achieved a lot today @Helplessandheartbroke, even if it doesn’t feel like it. Go easy on yourself ❤️

@CeciledeVolangesdeNouveau @Work2live thank you both. I just can't let go of the guilt it feels like its literally eating me. Stomach constantly in a knot. Heart always pounding! Bless you both being so support when you're both going through hardship!

Hia darling !

It's hard . Really hard . My little man is still so lost it's heartbreaking, but it is what it is . Keep on keeping on . Xxx

@capabilityfrowns how are you keeping on keeping on? And tips? Sending hugs x

Particularly regarding the “heart always pounding” is it worth getting a short-term beta-blocker prescription with your GP? All they do is stop or slow the action of adrenaline on your heart. Sometimes you still get a queasy feeling that your whole body should be reacting to adrenaline, but they do block panic a bit without being actual tranquillisers or anything.

@CeciledeVolangesdeNouveau I will mention it on my follow up appointment he did double my dose of fluoxitine last week. Still hasn't kicked in yet though. How are you doing this evening?

Just have to . No secret formula honey .
I'm working . Eating . Sleeping. It's so hard . Since I kicked up
My boys ashes I stare at them every day feeling his loss - it's truly awful . But we have to keep going . I guess I've got the little man who is still
Company and needs me - he's become terribly needy - but then I worry leaving him to even go shopping- he's really not a dog that wants to be alone . But I'm here mostly . He's given me a lot of comfort. But it's bloody hard . I love my little fella but he doesn't give me what my big bear did - security, confidence, safety, to know I was in safe paws at all times because he loved me and he would protect me from anything. I feel strangely vulnerable without him . I live alone and he was my burglar alarm , my comfort and my joy . I still feel lost without him .
I guess time 🕰️ passes and I'm adjusting to my new normal . It's so hard though.

@capabilityfrowns youre absolutely right. I resonate with the ashes. Still in the box on top of my shelves... youre being extremely strong! Good on you! Glad you've got the younger boy for company I do also know what you mean about the security too. When dh was working nights I always felt so safe with my boy downstairs. No intruder would stand a chance! Guess I'll try and get some sleep. Tomorrow's a new day!

@capabilityfrowns bless you. Give your little one loads of fuss before you go out and leave him safe and he should be OK. I can’t imagine what the physical protection of a big dog is like but imagine in addition to the emotional gap left there’s even a physical one and it’s exaggerated with dogs over cats. This is a strange comparison but I have a big bear of a boyfriend and he looks after me to the extent that he visited me last time I was in hospital (our local). He’s genial and friendly but I think he’d probably go up against my nasty parents if he needed to. I can imagine having a big bear is like that - while I provide the more sort of OWNER WOW HELLO I LOVE YOU SO EXCITED TO SEE YOU bit he is the one who would get in the way of the serious violence if necessary. If it helps I’m sure your little one also loves you even if he doesn’t have the physical capabilities of big bear and he probably has his own insecurities about that!

@Helplessandheartbroke yep, the problem with antidepressants is that they have variable effects (I’ve had consistently negative effects) and nobody knows why they work or how. Beta-blockers are pretty safe unless you take hundreds and work fairly consistently and we know how and why. They are by no means happy pills but if your levels of guilt are amounting to panic they might help you just be able to get through the next few hours (I’m not saying they’ll get you singing and dancing and by the way I am prescribed a dose which is below the max and still take less than that). It’s not America but it’s worth an ask even if it’s indirect - mentioning palpitations and panicking - and the cause doesn’t matter.