Heartache after saying goodbye- support thread

[Helplessandheartbroke]

I'm in agony after losing our boy 2.5 weeks ago. I had another thread deleted as it was too outing but realised quickly there's many of us suffering. Anyone want to join hands?

I know!!! I feel guilty for everything atm. After him eating one couch and the second getting ruined with dog smell we didn't let him up on the third only on the footstool and bought him a 'livingroom' bed instead. Again necessity as we couldn't keep affording new couches lol

I can smile now at him eating that couch. When the dog walker first sent me the photo I cried 😆good memories

The cat we just lost used to have his own bedroom until dc1 was on the way and he was banished downstairs - I did feel a bit bad at the time and he was of course most indignant but I also know it's normal to adjust things when a baby comes along. It isn't bothering me now but it was longer ago than yours. I do feel a bit bad about more or less ignoring him (beyond basics of feeding etc) when dc2 was young and I had a baby and toddler. But again it's normal and it wasn't forever, he spent the last few years with me most of the time.

Hiya. Just joining after posting somewhere else and advised to join here for support. Had my darling best friend put to sleep on Monday night. He was suffering and it was our only choice really but I still feel so guilty and sad for him. I miss him like mad and just hope to god he's okay now, out of pain and knows how much we all utterly adore and miss him .... so sorry for all your losses xx

I'm so sorry, @miamiamia869 .
The feeling of guilt is 'normal', but you have nothing to be guilty about - you took that hard decision to spare him pain.

Welcome @newfriend05 and @miamiamia869 - so sorry you’re both going through this too.

We all know how unbearable it will be when we inevitably lose them, but the pain is still an enormous shock.

I am in the ‘keeping busy’ phase at the moment (we lost our boy just before Christmas), but still have days where I feel like I can barely function.

@Danascully2 you're right. My boy was my baby until I had a baby but he still knew he was loved and he was well looked after despite all the daft things I'm torturing myself over!

@miamiamia869 I'm so sorry for your loss. This thread will offer as much support as you need/want. Were all in this together. Do you want to tell us about your furry friend? As you've probably read the guilt over everything as massively got to me too. It's such a shit thing having to play god when it's someone you love so dearly too x

OP, if it helps, I’m not sure we’re really playing God. God has decided to put them on the path to a slow and horrible end and we get to decide to give them a quick and merciful one. I think it’s from Harry Potter when Dumbledore says “do not pity the dead, Harry, pity the living”.

@CeciledeVolangesdeNouveau you're right as always. I'm so fed up today I'm massively overthinking everything! Again... I just read a thread about feeding puppies 4 times a day and memory fails me but I'm sure we only fed my boy 2 or 3 times a day as a pup plus treats. I'm winding myself up about literally everything... logically he was 7 stone and was not underfed and I know this. This is my ocd taking over and obsessing about EVERYTHING! Things I can't control any more.

Anyway how are you today? You were worried about maybe ending up in hospital, are you managing?

In response to the 'playing God' idea - it's completely normal to struggle with this. Something I said to the children to help them understand why I was making the decision was that if he'd been in the wild he would have died a long time ago - once he was too slow to catch prey/run away from predators and because he wouldn't have had any medication for a condition he developed as he got older. A similar argument would apply for animals who have sudden accidents/illnesses at a younger age.

I am but am worrying about it still being on the cards for later in the week as I’m really finding it hard to stand, walk, do anything really. Even lying in bed on mumsnet I’ll start a post and abandon it halfway and just post an unfinished thought. Best wishes xx

@Danascully2 someone said something similar to me recently when I felt bad about not getting round to grooming etc, she said he would never have that luxury in the wild. He's led a much nicer life. It's true. My stepmum also told me she was so pleased ddog came to me and dh and not some scumbag that wouldn't have got him all the treatment he's needed over the years and would have just bred him and made a fortune (pedigree sort after type) these things have helped me a little.

@CeciledeVolangesdeNouveau anything you'd like to share to try and take some of the load off? Is the physical aspect due to the emotional aspect? Sending hugs x

@Danascully2 I am a groomer and I can honestly say no dog would leave this earth wishing they had that last groom. In all honestly only 5% of dogs enjoy it the rest just tolerate it. Although they will all feel so much better after, naturally it is not a dogs chosen thing and not something they would naturally do.

@Helplessandheartbroke I totally feel what you are saying with the OCD I am not diagnosed but I know I have it as does everyone around me. I have a little ritual I have to do because my OCD tells me if I don't horrific stuff will happen. In times like this the fear is overwhelming and like you say obsess over horrible thoughts and worries.

@miamiamia869 it was me that felt guilty over the grooming. He had cysts inbetween his toes and the vet recommended bathing them in Epsom salts about 6 week prior to his departing and I never got round to doing it. 2 days before I noticed his ears needed cleaning etc. The day we said goodbye was going to be his Xmas bath day. Youre right though we would take him for a professional groom at least twice a year usually but when I could lift him and Bath him myself when he was a pup he didn't like it very much.

I've only recently been diagnosed but I've known since I was 6. Rituals and overthinking everything. In August after self managing it for 28 years I felt I could no longer do it so I went to gp and was referred. I've just started cbt. It's a horrible illness to deal with isn't it.

How are you getting on? Do you want to share anything about your companion? Not sure if you've rtft but I'm happy to share too x

I have read alot of previous comments but not all of them yet. Also hard to remember who writes what. Yes it's such an awful thing and as you say that I can deffinatly take it back to childhood from probably around the same age. Like having to tread on each piece of pavement/slab before the car passed ect but I remember it getting deep at around 11. My husband always tells me I'm getting worse but I deny it.

Oh it's so hard to keep up with these little things and I understand how you are thinking sith the cysts but don't best yourself up. If I have this right from previous posts read you said your partner was doing it but you felt bad not doing now yourself. He honestly wouldn't have cared he missed his last bath and that he had mucky ears. My dog was stinky at the end and I am a groomer with the professional bath hydraulic table ect but I never bathed him. I know it wasn't his favourite thing and I didn't want to make him any more uncomfortable so stinky it was. They don't care they are just the purest souls and don't fuss the small stuff.

Yes my boy was a jack russell. 13 and a half which is a good age but not so much for a jack. Hardy little terriers. He was a fiesty little character, very protective when someone he didn't know came.in the home. Loved a cuddle, I can still hear his little tippy tappys on the wooden floors following around for a cuddle. He was also a massive pig. That dog would eat anything he could get his paws on lol. That was a sure sign when he wasn't really interested in food. Oh he was in so much pain at the end but still tried his upmost for that walk. Took him an hour to do a usual 10 minute walk. He went for 1 stone to over 3 stone in fluid. Everything swelled we took the devious to put him to sleep when the vets explained he would soon drown in his own fluid and and have a traumatic end.

He was my true best friend, I love that boy so so much and always will. Xx

@miamiamia869 yes my husband cleaned them but didn't bathe them. This is all part of my ocd you see. In my head I neglected my dog then killed him. Where a 'normal' person would think... I gave him a great life and said goodbye when his quality of life was no longer good... have you considered help for your ocd?

Awwww your boy sounds amazing!!! Love how gready a small dog can be lol. I always think of Jack Russell's as being quite feisty natured bless. I'm sorry he ended up in so much pain, that must have been hard to watch.

My boy was an olde English bulldog, my bfg. He was so loving and gentle and all I had to say to him was 'whos a good boy' and his full back end would wag like there's no tomorrow. My ds is autistic and would climb on him and throw toys etc and he wouldn't bat an eyelid. I miss that big soft bugger so much x

Really, really no beating yourself up for the cysts OP and this is with the grandiose experience of a vet med student of one year before I switched and an absolute veteran of medical services.
At most they’ll have been slightly annoying or a bit twingy. Unless the vet made a serious mistake they didn’t cause his death or his distress and if the latter is the case it’s still not your fault. I have a malformed hip joint and a huge bone cyst on my collarbone which cause me pain and when other things aren’t also causing issues the former causes me mild to moderate pain and the latter is just slightly worrying to see in photos. I know what OCD and anxiety feel like but as trite as it is, you were a good dog owner, did what you thought and were told was right and unfortunately your dog had reached the end of his road.

@CeciledeVolangesdeNouveau no the cysts definitely weren't to do with us laying him to rest and certainly didn't seem to bother him. It's just me torturing myself again. I need to learn to give myself a break. I'm a mum of a SEN 3 year old that barely sleeps, I work 5 days, my husband works 6 days most weeks. I do the lions share. My boy was fed twice a day plus treats, fresh water, loved and walked. I did my best. I'm just so sad and miss him dearly. We feel we were robbed of more time with him.

How are you this evening? Sorry to hear of your hip and collarbone! Do they know the cause of this?

Is anyone on tonight x

I'm here.

I need to learn to give myself a break.
You do indeed, you've got a lot on your plate.

I’m also here and if my two PMs didn’t come through please let me know here (been finding MN buggy).

Please do say what you need to say and those of us who are awake are here right now, those who aren’t are here tomorrow morning. You’re a hero ploughing on.

@ErrolTheDragon @CeciledeVolangesdeNouveau my constants again! Thank you! After reading through some old messages it was September I asked the vet about my boys cysts not November when he had his booster like I thought. So that means it was 3 months before he passed I could have done something about them and didn't! I know its seems trivial but these are the things really playing on my mind. I just want to be sad and miss him and not sad because I feel I neglected him!

You didn't neglect him, you said 'My boy was fed twice a day plus treats, fresh water, loved and walked. I did my best.'. You did the lions share, and your DH cleaned the cysts. You know rationally that your boy was loved and well cared for... I hope you can believe that soon.

I absolutely promise you that you didn’t. Medicine and veterinary medicine are guessing games - with the odds pretty much solidly but not totally in favour of the vet or medic.
You were given the advice you got and at the most your decision caused your pet a TINY bit of inconvenience in later life but very likely not even that. We go on what medical science says and that includes vet med science. Particularly as vets’ patients can’t talk vet med just isn’t as advanced as medicine. I know how it feels to have those intrusive thoughts but you don’t deserve them.
This is probably a stupid analogy so please tell me off. But imagine you had pancreatic cancer and in the meantime developing warts on your fingers. The warts might become cancer in about sixty years - right now they are at most a minor annoyance and your primary carer has had them checked out too!
You did have him cared for and deserve to let yourself mourn. Unfortunately animals are all taken from us too early - ideally all pets would live past a hundred. Sadly they unfortunately don’t. You have enough to manage with your grief without blaming yourself so please try to not load more on to your over full plate?