Heartache after saying goodbye- support thread

[Helplessandheartbroke]

I'm in agony after losing our boy 2.5 weeks ago. I had another thread deleted as it was too outing but realised quickly there's many of us suffering. Anyone want to join hands?

Sorry you're having a trickier day. Yes I feel that I need a project of some kind though around children and work it's not easy to find something that fits in.

@Work2live I'm sorry you're feeling like this too. Definitely feeling the waves now. I had a good cry this afternoon. Work has been quiet for me too so it doesn't help. Didn't you say you were joining some groups?

@Danascully2 I'm the same with a 3 year old ds it's hard having thay much needed me time isn't it. How you doing?

Aww that's tricky if work is quiet although personally I struggled to concentrate for the day or two where I knew the decision needed to be made and then a day or two afterwards so it was in some ways lucky it was in 'twixmas' when I was off work anyway. Also because he was normally always with me while I work, esp in winter.
I'm feeling ok thank you, I did an online dance video just now while younger one in bed and older one out - I know I always feel better after doing one but I still struggle to motivate myself so I'm pleased I did it today. I could definitely do with more exercise. I could do with borrowing someone else's dog now and then I think!

@Danascully2 good on you taking these steps to make yourself feel good. I wish I had the motivation. I miss my boy so much I feel bad if i do something I enjoy. It is getting a little easier bit by bit but I'll never get over losing him. He was my baby

I think 'getting over' things like this is not a very helpful idea or goal - it's more about learning to live with it - it will always be part of our lives. But hopefully a less painful part with time and the good times with our pet will be able to outshine the difficult time(s) as we carry on.

Completely normal to be devastated, lost our DDog over a year ago, still shed the odd tear. It’s such a special relationship that we form with our dogs, so sorry for your loss.

@Danascully2 you're right. Bad choice of words on my part. I always knew it would break my heart but I wasn't prepared for this.

@Shade17 thank you and I'm sorry for your loss too x

I always knew it would break my heart but I wasn't prepared for this.

100% @Helplessandheartbroke. I knew the day would come. I knew it would be awful. But nothing could’ve prepared me for the deep sorrow I’ve felt these past few weeks.

I have signed up to a new exercise class - went to the first one last week and it was ok! Not the most enjoyable thing I’ve ever done, but definitely took my mind off things, with the added bonus of getting me moving.

It is very slowly starting to get a tiny bit easier, but I still have moments where I just break down. It’s only a few weeks since he was last ‘here’, so it still doesn’t feel real that I’ll never see him again.

@Work2live it's agonising isn't it. This thread has really helped me. You ladies being a constant and knowing what I'm going through. I just feel sad all the time. Constant knot in my stomach.

Are you going back to the class? I can't motivate myself to do much other than helping my great aunt when I can x

Sometimes we’re in such a bad state that one thing a day is an achievement OP. Mine was going to therapy after getting dressed and my cat is about to be fed and that’s literally about it unless you count MN posts and stuff like brushing my teeth and hair. I can barely physically stand but I’m not freshly bereaved either. Really concentrate on both what you’ve been able to achieve with that is a huge psychological burden and also any little thing that brings you a glimmer of happiness. The latter sounds really trite but sometimes all we can do is just take joy in the little things even though our hearts are like lead.

@CeciledeVolangesdeNouveau physically in the last 2 weeks I've done everything I need to. Its just the emotional heartache 💔 I'm dealing with now. The first week I weren't sure how to get through it at all. I couldn't even get out of bed one day. It really has been the worst few weeks of my life following a very difficult few months with ds being SEN and having a lot to deal with there too.

How are you now? Do you still struggle? Is there anything you'd like to talk about x

Thank you, I would say things were much better after a couple of months and I was able to start researching and getting excited about the prospect of a new puppy. We decided on the ideal timing which would be about 10 months after losing DDog which had the benefit of not rushing to fill the gap. We’ve had DPup now for 6 months and he’s awesome but I’ll always miss DDog along with all the dogs I’ve ever owned.

@Shade17 so you've been through this a few times? I dont think I could get through this again. It's been over 4 weeks and it's hurts so much. I've come up for a bubble bath to try and make myself feel better but I'm sat in it crying. I thought I was over the guilt phase but I'm not. Keep thinking how he need grooming and ears cleaning etc and kept putting it off and now I'll never get to do it for him again 😥he'd not been brushed in months (short haired so wasn't essential) he had no current toys as he demolished them as soon as he got them (had new for Xmas but didn't get to give them to him) I know I'm only torturing myself and he knew we loved him. I just feel so sad and empty all the time

Yes, lost a few dogs over the past 30 years or so, not as many as some here will have but enough 😢. Basically you’ve lost a close family member, some people won’t get it but a lot will. It took a while before I could look through the DDog picture album on my phone without bursting into tears. It will improve, keep talking about him, especially the funny/naughty/stupid times and have a laugh. Do you plan on getting another dog? If so maybe have a look around, see how that might feel. If you’re considering a different breed maybe do some research, definitely take some time to heal but look forward to better times. Oh, and I’m a 20 stone bloke, it’s funny how many men I talk to who say they’ve been through tough things and not shed a tear but were absolutely destroyed by the loss of a dog.

@Helplessandheartbroke I’m so sorry you’re feeling like this, but if you’re feeling sad and need to cry please don’t belittle yourself internally. You just need a good cry. It’s time for… drumroll…. Self compassion! A lot more difficult than it sounds but worth it.
I’ve forgotten the exact phrase but it’s something like the the heartbreak of grief is worth it for the joy of love. You and your little friend both had the joy of love. Not going to mince my words - it’s going to hurt like hell for weeks or maybe months and that hole in your heart won’t go away, but it’ll scar and become just a lingering ache. Now is not the time for another pet but you can choose one once you’re ready and they may bring the same amount of joy into your life despite not being able to replace the original one. There is grief ahead but there are also opportunities for joy. But it’s OK to be sad and share that sadness.

@Shade17 sorry that was an emotional post for a man. Thank you for responding. Its honestly been the worse time of my life. Defo no plan for another dog. Its Broke me. Plus my boy was really easy I wouldn't have time to go through the pup phase and couldn't rescue with an asd 3 year old.

@CeciledeVolangesdeNouveau thank you again! So much support. We defo had the joy of love. You didn't answer my earlier question on how you are x

Sorry to hear that timing isn’t great for you to have another but that won’t be forever. Remind yourself that you will have another dog one day and you’ll be totally in love again. As you feel better maybe try and do some dog related activities, our local rescue centre allows you to volunteer to walk the dogs which is quite good fun, maybe also sign up to https://www.borrowmydoggy.com/ Definitely spend some time with other dogs if you can that belong to friends or family, especially if they nice and tactile, I found that very comforting.

Sorry for not answering your question. Not doing super well and expecting an emergency admission might be likely midweek-ish but my hospital know me and my recurring issues luckily so hopefully it won’t be awful or long for me or them. I also feel VERY awkward with a young and healthy cat (although the keeps eating my build-up drinks which I’m not sure are very good for her) and saying something on a literal pet bereavement thread like “it’s shit but my little cat is keeping me cheerful by attacking random items and determinedly sleeping in the exact centre of my bed no matter how many times my mother removes her” on a pet bereavement thread.
Hope you’ve got some good distraction lined up for this evening and keep reporting back to us. This is your space x

DH started looking into BorrowMyDoggy but we've not progressed it yet as he's having to spend a fair amount of time away from home at the moment. We do enjoy other peoples dogs when we're out though - yesterday I fussed a furball, was slobbered on by a pup and was leant and moulted on by a large German Shepherd.

@Shade17 my DH has really been struggling. We’ve been together over 10 years and I’ve seen him cry twice. He’s been in tears many times over the last few weeks. It’s amazing how much of a huge hole they leave in your heart.

At some point in the future I’d love to spend time with other dogs again.

@CeciledeVolangesdeNouveau and @Helplessandheartbroke I’m glad you’ve both managed to keep going in a roundabout way. Sometimes it just feels impossible doesn’t it. I found the first week or so I struggled to do anything, then for the last week or so I’ve been very much ‘getting on with things’, which sort of helps, but I find myself absolutely exhausted at the end of the day and still quite emotional some days.

I’m enjoying the new class I’ve been going to and think I’ll try to stick with it. I don’t always feel like it, but it’s good for me to get out of the house as I WFH a lot.

@ErrolTheDragon our favourite pastime now is going on walks and hoping we see lots of dogs for a fuss!

I’ve had a big burly traffic cop who’s seen some SERIOUS shit over the years tell me he couldn’t drive home after having his dog put down as he was crying his eyes out. Another friend told me he shed more tears over the death of his dog than he did over his father.

I once read a jokey comment that the only times it’s acceptable for a man to cry are the birth of his child or the death of his dog.

The heartbreak is worth it for the years of joy they bring. My dogs sleep next to me, even my DW hasn’t snuggled with me all night every night for 10 years, it’s a real bond and no surprise that it’s so hard.

Had to put my beautiful girl to sleep October.. I still cry and miss her terribly..so hugs to you

@Shade17 I'm not there yet but thank you for the food for thought. Ddog slept on our bed until ds was born then we deemed it unsafe having a 7 stone dog jumping on and off the bed with a baby so he then had to go downstairs. Another thing I now feel guilty for but had to be done!

@CeciledeVolangesdeNouveau is there anything that can prevent the hospitalizations? This is your space too. Please talk as and when you need to. You've been a huge support to myself and others. I hope we can do the same for you.

@ErrolTheDragon that sounds so nice! I'm too jealous atm when I see people and their dogs. It snowed here this morning and all I could think was how much my boy would have loved rolling around in it. Do you have much company when dh is away?

@Work2live I hear you about your dh. In 11 years I've seen mine cry at 3 deaths (the third being ddog) and nothing else. Men are more pragmatic than women but I think holding it in does damage in other ways. I on the other hand cry at adverts on tele so when there is actually something to cry about it comes in floods! Defo keep up the exercise group if you can, I wfh too and getting out the house is a must!

@newfriend05 so sorry for your loss. Hugs to you too!

Another thing I now feel guilty for but had to be done!

Don’t feel guilty for that! That was an absolute necessity!