DP making me pick between him or the rescue dog

[LostitwithMax]

DP and I moved in together shortly after he got a cat, so yes I did move in with him knowing he has a cat (cat is 4). He always knew I wanted a dog the moment I had a garden though and was never against it, he just admitted he will always be a cat person and his cat will probably stay favourite. He was on board during the whole process, etc. we ended up adopting a puppy that had been in foster here after living in a Spanish rescue. Lovely dog who is now 10 months and only 6kg, so very small. He used to sleep with the cat and now does nothing but chase it and if he grabs her, takes fur out, etc. he’s blaming me, saying I never did training around cats but yet there was 0 issues until this last month where I’m trying but not sure what to do. His cat now hides almost all the time but does come out when it needs food, etc. he wants me to have the dog on a lead at all times and I’ve explained that’s completely not feasible at this stage and he said I should have done that from day 1, I am not sure why he keeps going on about what I should have done when he was a younger puppy because HE WAS FINE WITH THE CAT THEN. He’s basically concluded that if I refuse to have him on a lead basically the whole time he’s in the house, he has no option but to move out. We have only just quite recently bought, so it’s going to be a nightmare. I’m not entirely sure what I can do, I’m trying to train him the leave it command (he’s fine when it’s good or things, but not so effective with the cat but I’m obviously working on it) I always try to get his engagement when he sees the cat but he doesn’t engage until he is done chasing it, etc. I do feel it’s just a bit of a natural behaviour and there’s nothing more I can do really, which is winding him up the most but then is only offering solutions that would be cruel to the rescue… AIBU or is DP?

If you want them both to live together then you need to actively train the dog with the cat. So on a lead you need to take the dog into a room with the cat and train him making sure the dog has absolutely no way of getting to the cat and the cat has somewhere to hide if it feels really scared. You can't rely on the cat appearing. You have to actively plan to train the dog with the cat. The cat obviously isn't going to like this but it needs to be done in order for the dog to learn to be around the cat otherwise you are right the dog will never learn to be around the cat I'd you are relying on it choosing to be around the dog. You need to be very proactive around the issue.

It’s literally just a case of closing a door when you’re in a room, not locking a dog up 😐

In what universe is an no e collar better?

Both my dogs are cat trained, I still shut doors because it’s cold outside.

E-collars are never the answer and any trainer who recommends them or is happy to use them is one to avoid. See also, alpha/pack leader/dominance bullshit.

The dog is a terrier FFS. They are bred to kill small animals.

The fact that you introduced a dog without finding out its breed is appalling and cruel.

Your DP is right. I love dogs, and cats but you should re home the dog.

even if you offer something very high value like fresh chicken?

You absolutely can keep the dog on a lead all the time. He's being an arse he's not going for the cat out of fear. Every time he does it tell him off and remove him from wherever the car was when he did it. You have to be consistent and do this constantly for him to get the message. It is not fair on the cat and the cat needs to be prioritised over the dog.

If you can't or won't keep the dog on a lead I think that says a lot about how committed you are to sorting this out. He's such a young dog, the fact he was fine with the cat makes it more obvious that he's just being a little sod.

I haven read the full thread so apologies but what training have to done with a professional or dog behaviourist?

OP, I think the bigger issue is that you're not working as a team here. It seems to be 'his cat' and 'your dog' and if you are partners who have bought a house together, then they're both your pets. It really shouldn't be a case of fighting to the death who gets to keep their own pet but instead making a grown up decision about what's best for your relationship and for both animals. You and DP are miserable, as is the poor cat and the puppy, living without many boundaries probably is too.

If you really want to save the relationship then I think you have to acknowledge the cat was there first and then talk to your DP to come up with an action plan. For example, for the next month you'll work with a behaviourist and do everything you can to get the puppy socialised around the cat. If at the end of the agreed time the pup is no better, you'll make the decision to rehome. Sometimes if you truly value a relationship then you both have to make sacrifices. It sucks but that's the way life is. One day he might make a sacrifice for you that you'll feel really grateful for.

If you do rehome, it may be that someone with more experience and more time could give the puppy the training and time he needs. On the other hand, the training you give might work.

I think you have to ask which you value more? Your relationship and peace in your home or 'being right' as to who gets to keep their own pet.

Oh, that's great, that's something you can work with!! Get something like a rabbit fur squeaky tug toy and you can then have a tug game with it while using his lead to move him away. Use it a few times first paired with treats when the cat isnt around to build up its value to him and then make it something he only gets in that scenario. You can also stick it in your coat pocket and practice with it on walks as well.

You leave the lead trailing. You don't have to hold the end of it. Put it on a harness so if it catches on anything it won't tug the dog's neck.

Don't keep changing approach. Find a solid one (like keeping the lead on) and stick at it. Consistency is key.

I have visions of you being the toddler mum who's child goes and takes a toy off another and you just sit there and go 'oh dear, little Jesse must have really wanted to play with that, you can have it back when they've finished as you had been playing with it for a few minutes already anyway...'

Another thing OP: play with your dog A LOT. In the garden, in the house, just be the MOST EXCITING thing for him. Treats work great but sometimes all they want is a good chase and a good play and they'll play with what they have, let's make it you rather than the cat!

I agree.
Before long that poor traumatised cat will start having behavioural problems assuming that the dog doesn’t seriously injure or kill it first.
i disgusted that you continue to just make pathetic excuses OP.

Yep! Some trainers are also offering specific play workshops now as well which are good especially for first time dog owners - my dog is almost 5 now and I still got some great value from the workshop I did a few months ago.

When did the dog stop getting on with the cat? Was there any kind of incident between them? My dog was fine with cats until one scratched him. Now he barks at them as if to warn us.

Having both humans having to constantly remind themselves and each other to shut doors again and again OR having a dog permanently on a lead, is no way to live life.

Rehome the dog and don't get another one.

It’s a horrible situation. Puppy might be playing and testing the boundaries but it sounds like hell for the poor cat.

I agree that you should urgently look into getting a trainer for the dog who specialises in such behavioural issues (ideally someone who comes round so can actually see and show you how to stop the new negative interaction between dog and cat). As it sounds like the dog has lots of energy, perhaps there are toys which may focus its attention away from the cat. The cat must also have safe areas (with food etc) where the dog can’t follow it.

Wow I can't believe that you think you're being reasonable.

Poor cat. It should go back to the rescue, sorry. Maybe in a few years try again with a different dog.

However be prepared that the cat may not take to a new dog now after being traumatised with this one.

Your dog is NOT happy when the cat is being chased. Your dogs stress levels will be increased until it feels the cat has been 'seen off'.
If you really CBA to listen to all the good advice about training your puppy (do it quickly or it will be more difficult) then I suggest you do move out with your mutt.
I am not a cat fan but I am an animal lover and this is cruel to both animals.

Ignorance once again spoils the life of a creature.

When animals are very young they will sleep side by side and be companions. As they mature things change.

You seem shocked that the dog is now chasing and attacking then cat!

Unfortunately it's too late to implement any training with the dog because the cat is now always going to be wary of the dogs presence in the home, even if in a different room and the garden is going to be especially difficult.

The cat cannot be trained to get over its fear and trust the dog again.

This is such a sad situation but one that could easily have been avoided.

He started humping the cat and the nurse suggested neutering (I didn’t want to admit this as I now know neutering young isn’t ideal but I took her advice) and cat did cut his ear but not sure that made it bad as he was already starting to be a bit annoying with the humping but before then, they were fine together

The cat is living in fear and always will be even if you train the dog. Poor animal. It is terrified to the point it is in hiding in its own home. The cat was there first. You need to re home the dog and stop being in denial. It is cruel. No I am not a cat person at all I am a rational, fair person who cares for animals and if you are too you would either rehome the dog or move out with it. Don’t be cruel.

Did they get on when in the old house, and not in the new?

Dogs often don’t bring their knowledge of one situation with them, so you have to retrain them. That said, terrier, high prey drive and small animal- it’s a bit of a recipe for a disaster.

Agree that 1-2-1 specific home training may help.

Can you prevent the dog going upstairs using a baby gate so the cat can have peace

Can you put ledges on the wall so the cat can escape the dog. Have some cat trees and things

Other than that the only option is to rehome the dog. The cat was there first and it isnt fair for it to be living in fear

I've read the op's posts but can't see why the cat is going into the area with the dog when it is behind the dog gate? If the cat was that scared would it do this unless for food, drink and toileting ,so how are you managing these things? Sounds like a job for a 1:1 trainer as you seem unsure about dog ownership in general, for eg with all the off lead , high energy time is he over stimulated?

The cat can have peace yes and that’s where she stays all the time which makes me sad for her, she does venture out to leg to the kitchen (gated so she can eat) but it’s on the way there he chases, I can move food to the bedroom if that’s better for her but no, she doesn’t go outside anymore (garden is cat proofed) but as I say, stays in the gated bedroom 95% of the day