DP making me pick between him or the rescue dog

[LostitwithMax]

DP and I moved in together shortly after he got a cat, so yes I did move in with him knowing he has a cat (cat is 4). He always knew I wanted a dog the moment I had a garden though and was never against it, he just admitted he will always be a cat person and his cat will probably stay favourite. He was on board during the whole process, etc. we ended up adopting a puppy that had been in foster here after living in a Spanish rescue. Lovely dog who is now 10 months and only 6kg, so very small. He used to sleep with the cat and now does nothing but chase it and if he grabs her, takes fur out, etc. he’s blaming me, saying I never did training around cats but yet there was 0 issues until this last month where I’m trying but not sure what to do. His cat now hides almost all the time but does come out when it needs food, etc. he wants me to have the dog on a lead at all times and I’ve explained that’s completely not feasible at this stage and he said I should have done that from day 1, I am not sure why he keeps going on about what I should have done when he was a younger puppy because HE WAS FINE WITH THE CAT THEN. He’s basically concluded that if I refuse to have him on a lead basically the whole time he’s in the house, he has no option but to move out. We have only just quite recently bought, so it’s going to be a nightmare. I’m not entirely sure what I can do, I’m trying to train him the leave it command (he’s fine when it’s good or things, but not so effective with the cat but I’m obviously working on it) I always try to get his engagement when he sees the cat but he doesn’t engage until he is done chasing it, etc. I do feel it’s just a bit of a natural behaviour and there’s nothing more I can do really, which is winding him up the most but then is only offering solutions that would be cruel to the rescue… AIBU or is DP?

You brought a small terrier type dog of unknown breeding into a house with a cat.
Did you realise/think about the fact that small terrier like dogs were literally bred to go down hole to catch small creatures like rabbits and cats.
You allowed the dog to ‘hump’ the cat.
Do you realise/did you research that this is a dominance thing?
You are allowing the dog to terrorise the cat ‘twice a day’.
Have you changed their routine to avoid this twice a day?
The cat is regularly getting caught and fur pulled out.
????? But you won’t put the dog on a lead because it would affect its life!

Would your relationship survive coming back one day to a house covered in blood and a dead cat pulled limb from limb.. a cat who you say you care for and who trusts you enough to sleep on your bed. Because that is were you are rapidly heading with a now teenage dog who is rapidly maturing into its adult nature.

You are being cruel to the cat. You need to step up and resolve this situation asap.
Making excuses won’t cut it when you have a dead cat and a dog who has experienced it’s ‘first blood kill’

Yes he was in foster with cats

First come, first served. So that's the cat.

I agree with this.

Reassuring your partner that the cat being happy & safe is #1 will be a positive thing for the relationship, and it's the right thing to do for the situation.

Ensure the cat and dog are seperate from each other and continue training, with the FB group a good starting point.

You might not like it, it won't be easy, but you say you've always wanted a dog so your motivation will be high to do this.

Whilst I think puppy classes are good generally for a specific issue like (esp one that could break a relationship) this I really think invest in someone coming to the house, they can observe and train from there - it won’t be cheap but if you want the dog to stay, the relationship to last and the cat to be ok I think it’s the best way. And as long as dog has lots of walks lead training indoors is not cruel, it’s not for long

Honestly isn’t that expensive to get a trainer out, it’s not a hugely complex issue that you need a behaviourist for.

Cat training is a pretty standard issue and you’d be looking at one or two sessions with a gap between them and about £40-50 a session.

You are still allowing the cat to be terrorised just to get to her food? Why on earth did you need telling to move her bowls as a minimum.

You might have planned your whole life around dog ownership, but you don't sound like you know anything about them. I can completely understand your partners POV as you just don't seem bothered that your family pet is being harmed in their home on a regular basis.

The dog needs a home away from the cat, and you need to get some proper training. Please never get more pets!

I think you where silly to get the dog. But baby gates to keep dog seperate and pay for professional training if you can't do it yourself or you will need tonre home the pup. Or just admit this relationship isn't for either of you. Imagine having kids....!

Teaching your dog "leave it" isn't going to cut it.
You need to do full on counter-conditioning.
Which means keeping them separate and introducing them slowly, whilst both have treats. It is possible, but not going to be a fix overnight.
I recommend Dog Training Advice and Support on Facebook. They have a lot of resources around prey drive and small furries. If you are still struggling after reading the guides, the page is managed by well experienced dog trainers and you can ask questions.

My dog has an extremely high prey drive and I've worked hard to enable both my cat and dog to live together.. They aren't friends, but tolerate one another. My dog will still get triggered by other cats out and about, but is barely interested in mine.

This! All of this.

I'm surprised everyone seems to think your dp is being totally reasonable. Rather than trying to find a solution via training, he's instantly laying down an ultimatum? Instead of seeing it as something you need to work on together, it's entirely your problem to solve? I know it's your dog but I'd hope he would see it as teamwork.

I know you said you don't want kids, but imagine if you did have them.... Anything they did wrong, he'd be like "well they came out of your vagina, you need to fix it or I'll leave "

You don't care that your dog is hurting this animal. Your answer is "oh the cat should just get out of the way". So yes, I think that says a lot about you and I wouldn't want to be in a long term relationship with someone who's so casual about this.

Up to this point your posts gave me the idea that you were being strongly competitive with you DP about who wins? But....
Building your career around a wish for a dog might be considered by many as being obsessive. But your question "why is that weird or an issue?" The fact that you need to ask why is it weird, is it's own answer.
How do you expect your DP to live with such an extreme attitude?

If you would rather end your relationship than rehome a dog you have had for less than 10 months your relationship will not last anyway. If it’s not this that breaks you up it will be something else. I would cut
your losses now, break up and sell the house. Far more straightforward than stressing the poor cat out or trying to override your dog’s prey drive. Hanging on to this relationship because you have just bought the house isn’t a good enough reason.

Your dog is repeatedly attacking this poor cat to the point of taking fur out (??!) and you brush it off as natural? Wow no wonder he is angry with you. YABU.

Op might get lucky. If he grabs the cat and kills it, she won't have to worry about that annoying cat anymore and her and the dog can relax 😭

Please just spend the money on a decent trainer, is there a reason you’re reluctant to do this? There’s no shame in seeking professional help as you can’t cope with this situation.

Loads of people plan their careers around things like wanting to travel around or be stay at home parents, it’s really not that weird lol

The dog is going to kill the cat if you don’t rehome it. That’s its natural behaviour’ & you don’t seem to realise the gravity of this situation.

And once your dog has violently killed DP’s poor cat your relationship really will be in the shitter, eh.

Poor cat :(

you need to be putting the dog in his crate for daytime naps too so the cat has a break from feeling on edge. I have a cat who is scared of my 10 month old pup and she is ALWAYS crated to sleep so he gets free reign. We also have snack time once a day where pup has to be in a lie so big cat might come and be in her company. My pup would never hurt the cat though, she is besties with the kittens.

you need to have him on a lead or always carry a lead to get on him quickly - reward always for calm behaviour. Start with being separated far apart with the baby gate and keep rewarding (clickers are fab). Also work on this outside in an area where there are birds or cats - never ever let him chase another animal.

Get help and do it quickly - if you can’t afford it then speak to dogs trust. If you can’t train it out then you need to rehome. It may be kinder to rehome earlier than later while still young and desirable.

The humping is not sexual. It is a dominance ritual. The dog is asserting its authority as the head of the pack to the cat.

He does not need to "develop impulse control" - he needs to be properly trained by this age, which you're not doing,

Making a lifestyle choice doesn't seem weird to me. Some people plan their careers around having children, some around travel opportunities some around living in a certain country.
Different things matter to different people.

But in that plan you haven’t made any allowances for the cat that was already in the family you chose to build.

you have thrown both animals into the situation with no research on how to stand a chance of making it work and now your expecting the poor cat to put up with being attacked

Imagine your partner gets another dog which terrorises yours. What would you say then? I imagine you would expect him to prevent the behaviour or get rid of the dog. Why should it be different here?

I got a puppy when I had existing cats. He never once tried to attack them nor did he try to hump them (and he was not neutered!)

What are you going to do when your dog finally catches the cat? You seem to be minimising this when it really is very serious. The cat could very easily end up dead and you keep saying you don't want to restrict your dog because he'll be "unhappy.

He just really struggles with birds, small animals and cats

And you still let him off lead in open spaces...?

It’s not weird OP - you have your reasons for wanting a dog so badly, and that’s fine. But what’s concerning is your determination impose your will on your DP, and to follow through with this dog to the exclusion of all else, and despite all the evidence staring you in the face that there’s a disaster waiting to happen.

If this dog is even part terrier it will be very very difficult, if not impossible, to train this behaviour out of it and even if it was, the prey driven instinct will always be there, and there will always be the possibility of it reverting to type and attacking somewhere down the line. What will likely happen is that the chasing will continue until one of two things happens. Either the cat will get totally pissed off, leave and find a new home. Or the dog will eventually either kill or injure it. Neither scenario is going to do your relationship any good.

What you’re hoping to avoid by asking for advice here, is putting on your big girl pants, and getting your priorities right. It’s the welfare of both animals that matters, not what you want. The cat was with your DP for 4 years before this. Think about how it’s affecting him seeing his cat distressed like this. And think about the miserable life you’re imposing on the cat herself. Then accept that this particular dog was a mistake. Rehome it and if you must have a dog, research the breed and make sure it’s compatible with an established mature cat. But for goodness sake give the cat some time to recover before you do it.

It’s time to act like a mature, responsible adult OP, and at the moment, I’m sorry to say, you’re coming across as a petulant five year old, stamping their foot because things are not going their way. Maybe you need to grow up a bit before you take on the considerable responsibility of owning an animal. It doesn’t sound as though you’re up to that responsibility at the moment - as evidenced by all of the sound advice you’ve received on the thread, which you seem to be hell bent on ignoring.