DP making me pick between him or the rescue dog

[LostitwithMax]

DP and I moved in together shortly after he got a cat, so yes I did move in with him knowing he has a cat (cat is 4). He always knew I wanted a dog the moment I had a garden though and was never against it, he just admitted he will always be a cat person and his cat will probably stay favourite. He was on board during the whole process, etc. we ended up adopting a puppy that had been in foster here after living in a Spanish rescue. Lovely dog who is now 10 months and only 6kg, so very small. He used to sleep with the cat and now does nothing but chase it and if he grabs her, takes fur out, etc. he’s blaming me, saying I never did training around cats but yet there was 0 issues until this last month where I’m trying but not sure what to do. His cat now hides almost all the time but does come out when it needs food, etc. he wants me to have the dog on a lead at all times and I’ve explained that’s completely not feasible at this stage and he said I should have done that from day 1, I am not sure why he keeps going on about what I should have done when he was a younger puppy because HE WAS FINE WITH THE CAT THEN. He’s basically concluded that if I refuse to have him on a lead basically the whole time he’s in the house, he has no option but to move out. We have only just quite recently bought, so it’s going to be a nightmare. I’m not entirely sure what I can do, I’m trying to train him the leave it command (he’s fine when it’s good or things, but not so effective with the cat but I’m obviously working on it) I always try to get his engagement when he sees the cat but he doesn’t engage until he is done chasing it, etc. I do feel it’s just a bit of a natural behaviour and there’s nothing more I can do really, which is winding him up the most but then is only offering solutions that would be cruel to the rescue… AIBU or is DP?

I cannot believe you are so heartless towards the cat. That poor animal needs to be rescued from your home. You get no bonus points for having a rescue dog when you are mistreating another animal.

I am not fond of cats, and more of a dog person. But you are being unreasonable. You are not training the dog, and it is not a dog problem it is a person problem. You are ALLOWING the dog to chase the cat and then blaming it on "natural behaviour" (it isn't). You do not allow the dog to choose when it gets around to obeying you.

Why the hell are you allowing your dog to chase the cat and rip fur out? Why aren’t you grabbing it as soon as it starts and telling it off? Are you one of these people who think dogs shouldn’t be disciplined?

You picked the worst possible type of dog to have around cats, a young street dog with terrier traits, who would have a very high prey drive due to being an ex street dog, as well as terrier specific traits.

I don't know what you think is going to happen OP but your dog wants to kill the cat basically. Hopefully it won't ever get that far but you are being highly reckless and irresponsible to both your dog and cat to allow this behaviour to continue. You also say that you let him off the lead outside to chase birds which is irresponsible too. Take the dog to proper training and obedience classes or have a trainer come to you before letting an out of control dog be around prey animals.

I'm sorry but you also sound really immature as well, saying that you've built your whole life and career around having a dog (what?) and you now refuse to re-home him even though it will mean your marriage might end is absolutely ridiculous. I think you need to grow up a bit and accept when a situation is not suitable and deal with it like an adult.

You have said that the dog just ignores you until it has finished chasing the cat. So you might have "engaged" with training, but it isn't working in practice. A dog of this age is not a puppy, and should be obedient. Maybe a few lapses ok, teenagers like to push the boundaries. This dog is ignoring you.

Your partener is correct - it should be on a train lead and the minute it starts chasing the cat you recall and divert that behaviour.

Just because someone has always wanted a dog doesn't mean they should always get one.

OP, I can’t believe what a bashing you’re getting. Lots of dogs live happily with cats and you were not unreasonable to try. You WERE unreasonable to get a rescue in this situation - obviously it’s the ideal usually, but when bringing a dog into a house with a cat the priority is their compatibility above all, and small mixed-breeds inevitably have terrier in them (so high prey drive for small furries). You would have been better going for a pedigree with a low prey drive, maybe a bichon frise or papillon. Still, it’s done now. The key thing is you can train this, but there are some non-negotiables you have to accept:

Dog never ever ever gets to chase cat. No treat in the world is going to be better than that adrenaline rush, especially if he has actually previously managed to catch the cat. You could probably give him the choice of chasing cat or eating an entire roast chicken and he’d chase the cat. So the first thing is to eliminate the behaviour. Preferably separate them completely in the house but if that isn’t possible, then yes, for now dog needs to be on a lead.

Then read the books Mission Control and Hunting Together. They’re primarily aimed at gundog owners but will help you as it’s all about channeling the dog’s prey drive in a positive way.

I would also work on training a specific skills such as scentwork so that he has an outlet for fun which is you, rather than the cat.

But the absolute key to this is to commit TODAY to the dog never ever getting to rehearse the behaviour again. I absolutely practise what I preach, as I also have a dog with a high prey drive and cats and when the cats are in the house, he is on a house lead (with a long-lasting chew). We are working on the methods in Hunting Together and seeing improvements but every time the dog can rehearse the behaviour, it’s like an alcoholic having a relapse. It sets you back weeks.

It’s neither ignorant, nor rubbish. It doesn’t have to be a ‘designer dog’ for an owner to need to know the breed, or at least the traits. The OP knew she was rehoming it with a cat, and if there is any part terrier in the dog, that would be an absolute no no because terriers have ingrained prey driven tendencies that will be impossible to train out. The cat will likely end up dead or badly injured. And it’s pet ownership 101 to know the breed, and know what it needs, as evidenced by another MN thread in which a border collie is being kept cooped up, miserable and unwalked because it doesn’t get on with the OP’s twin babies.

OMG OP, I've only read a few of your posts but, bloody hell, you sound like the worst kind of parent...oh it's natural behaviour, I try time out but it doesn't work, I dont want to make him unhappy....

Frankly you arent really trying, you're being incredibly passive and from what I've skimmed, you haven't got your dog on a proper course and done proper training have you?

Poor cat. I’m nearly in tears for the poor little thing being attacked, how terrified it must be in its own home. How can you sit by and let this happen to an animal. It’s really cruel.

Rehome the dog or move out.

I love dogs. I would always choose a dog over a cat. I prefer dogs over most people.
But even I can see you're wrong. Poor cat.

Most rescues take the pet back. Do that for everyone's sake.

Separate the dog from the cat using baby gates - the more the dog chases the cat, the more the behaviour is learned. Then look at the DTAS (Dog Training Advice & Support) group on Facebook - their guides are excellent and if you still have questions after reading and following the guides the trainers will answer. They have a guide on cats / dogs (just make sure it’s the right group - there are a few copies out there now that are not force free, I’ve posted a pic here)

This will be incredibly difficult to train the dog out of.

Either 1) you keep them seperate 100% of the time and don't train or
2) you keep them seperate 100% of the time while you train

They need to be kept seperate to keep the cat safe, you must realise this is so important.

The dog must be given zero opportunity to chase the cat. As you've found, there's NOTHING more rewarding to him. Ideally he should have never been given the opportunity to chase it in the first place.

There's a fantastic Facebook dog training group run by behaviours, you need their advice, they have lots of guides.

So you need to leave then. If this is your life's purpose to own this dog and your partner is expendable, you don't sound aligned. You need someone who is happy also to fit their life around your dog and put themselves below the dog in priority.

However, It's very easy to find a good dog - the bar is very low. One that doesn't attack people and animals - that's it.

It's much harder to find a compatible partner as the expectations are much higher.

There are enough dogs in rescue shelters in the UK. This trend of importing reduce dogs from other countries is shameful

You have a dog with a high prey drive. They can be trained though. Even working terriers obey and don't hunt until they're told to.
They're not running all over the place chasing whatever they feel like.

What about finding it an activity and a trainer that trains working dogs?

I’m not married and yes I built my life and career around having a dog, why is that weird or an issue? I don’t want children, I wanted a dog

@LostitwithMax

Do you know there's a specific dog board? Posting about a dog on AIBU is like posting about camping on a 5star hotels board.

OP: ask for specific advice on how to quickly and effectively train your dog.

Focus on that.

Remove all the human ultimatum relationship stuff about your partner, what and who you care about etc.

Start a new thread on the Dog board: how do I train my dog not to chase the cat. Give age of dog, how you got him, age at which he slept with cat, age at which he started chasing.

This is what you need. It’s a task.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/the_doghouse

So because your office is upstairs in the second bedroom the dog comes upstairs, is that right?

As I say, I think you need to give the cat the run of upstairs. You’re going to have to adapt with the cat as a top priority in the house, even if it’s not ideal for a while.

Thank you I didn’t realise, I’ll find the dog board

Have you paid for a behaviourist?

I got my dog from a very reputable UK rescue, one of those ones where adopters need 24 acres of land, to be home 24 hours a day and to only hand feed kibble rolled on the thighs of seraphim. (I still don't know how we managed to land him, but there you go.)

They are INCREDIBLY fussy about where they place their dogs but even so, it's not uncommon to see them post about a foster or adoption that isn't working because the dog can't be with cats. (To be fair to them, they like to foster with a cat first to check that behaviour, and rarely rehome an un-cat-tested dog to cat owners, but things happen and habits emerge after time).

So even with all that care, sometimes dogs/cats just doesn't work. That doesn't mean you've failed in your life's purpose, it doesn't mean you can't get another dog in future. It just means THIS dog doesn't work in THIS set-up.

Unfortunately terriers are not a good fit with cats. They're literally bred to chase small prey.