Dog PTS tonight - I am devastated

[MimPimMim]

My beautiful boy was PTS suddenly tonight - he had a seizure on Tuesday which the vet thought was a one off and then collapsed again with seizures tonight, which didn’t stop until he was sedated at the emergency vet. He had been diagnosed with cancer six weeks ago but the vet thought he had a good number of months to go. It has all happened really suddenly - I was cuddling him at 10, he collapsed at 10.30 and was gone by 11.45. My poor husband had to take him to the emergency vet with my boy having seizures in the car - I couldn’t go as we have a toddler and someone needed to stay with her. My heart is broken and breaking for him - he was nearly 13 and we have had him since he was a puppy. I can’t believe he is gone and I can’t believe I couldn’t be with him at the end. I am thankful my husband could (especially as we are in lockdown) but i just hope he knew how much I love him too. I miss him already and can’t believe he has gone. I don’t really know why I am posting this, I supposed I am in shock and just so sad. How can he not be here anymore? My heart feels broken - I know we made the kindest decision for him but I just can’t believe this has happened.

cardigans Oh, what a beauty - those eyes. I know, I have had so many comments about getting another dog. It breaks my heart. The house is so empty but I can’t imagine another dog here. People keep telling me that it is the only way to really heal, which breaks my heart in a whole other way as I don’t think, even when/if we are ready, that it is really an option for us as we have a toddler and would potentially like another little one. It’s so hard, I’m struggling to see a time where I will feel better. It has been another tough day today. They are all tough days. I am eaten up with guilt about not being there at the end for my boy, I’m worried that he was scared and I wasn’t there. I can’t get the thought out of my head. I’m still not really sleeping or eating. My DH tells me it was peaceful and I know I need to let myself believe him but I am struggling at the moment. oliphanto upthread talked about feeling much better after three weeks and I am just trying to make it through until then. Hoping that the clouds start to clear a bit by that point.

pillows Wise and healing words from your DS, thank you. He sounds absolutely lovely ❤️

benji I’m sorry, I missed your post. Sending you strength when you go to collect your boy tomorrow. I hope it brings you a degree of peace, at least in some small way, to have him home with you

Thank you so much, Benji & Mim. I am ridiculously proud of her. When my mum was still alive, I used to take her with me to visit her in her care home and she was very popular. There was one elderly lady in particular who absolutely lit up when she petted her, because she was so responsive. She absolutely adored people. I remember one of the young girls who worked there exclaiming 'oh, she's like a teddy bear' when she petted her, because her fur was so soft (like velvet).

Life is generally pretty grim right now. I think it's all the harder because there is no end in sight and absolutely nothing to look forward to.

I hope Ben did send that pigeon to you, Benji. It will be so hard for you tomorrow and I will be thinking of you. 💕

Mim, I totally get the feelings of guilt and I'm so sorry you're struggling. In the first week after we lost Roxy I pretty much existed on hot, strong sugary tea with the occasional whisky (oh dear). Couldn't face much else. I get angry with myself when I think of all the things I was doing on her last day, when I could have been spending time with her instead. I worry endlessly that she was in pain, terrified and bewildered as we rushed her to the vet. I wonder if I should have insisted on a home visit, so she could have been in her own bed at the end, instead of on borrowed blankets on the floor of the surgery. We will drive ourselves nuts if we don't stop this. We have to believe that we did the absolute best we could.

I find comfort in talking to my husband about all the outrageous, mad things that Roxy got up to in her long, full and happy life (rolling on top of a dead dolphin on Ullapool beach - yegods, the stench!). Maybe it would help to post some stories here? Please try and eat something, even if it's only a bit of toast. Sleep will get easier, I promise. x

@cardigans @Mim @benji13

I hope you're all OK today

Last week we were going to take boyo on a long walk from our house (down to a local res which we usually drive to)

We never made it with him, because he lost the use of his back legs.

So today we decided to do the walk without him. It was actually really lovely. He might have struggled anyway as it was exactly 9km.

It did my heart so much good to see other dogs. And I held his collar and looked out over the res and I could feel him with me.

I've cried less today - I've still cried but not quite as much. Instead I'm just consider with an overriding sense of sadness. I feel like all the joy has gone from my future. But then my Dad said to me "Joey lived in the moment - just do that."
So I'm trying. Trying not to think of summer without him, or walking or even going to the kitchen without him following me in case of a treat.
I'm just going to live in the moment like he did.

@benji13 I hope you're OK tomorrow when you bring him home. I think Joe will be ready on Friday.

What a strange limbo we are in.

Love and light to you all.

Consumed* not consider 🙄

cardigans Thank you - the guilt is terrible, isn’t it? I seem to manage to reconcile one thing with myself that I’m feeling horrible over and then something else pops up in my mind to take its place. We’re 10 days in now and I thought I’d be feeling a bit better about things by now. Well, I’m not sure if I thought that or if I just didn’t realise how awful this would be and how quickly other people seem to expect that I will be back to normal. Probably the latter. My appetite just seems to have completely disappeared. I thought I’d be hungry by now but no. I can only fall asleep watching rubbish television to distract me from my thoughts and then only drifting off when I can’t stay awake any longer. I’m dreading work this week - had some slack on Friday and no calls / meetings tomorrow but back to full days on Teams from Tuesday. I wish I had just one sympathetic, dog person that I could talk to at work but I don’t. I’m not sure how I put a brave face on.

A dead dolphin is quite an accomplishment My boy only managed a dead mouse - rolling about quite happily on his back on the grass, us watching him and thinking how adorable he was, only to realise he was trying to thoroughly rub the stench of the dead mouse all over himself... Other disgusting habits included thinking sheep poo was a delicious treat and subsequently being very unimpressed to be ushered away from said sheep poo at speed. These dogs, managing to capture our hearts so thoroughly despite the disgusting things they do ❤️

I hope you’ve had a better day today, keep moving through it x

pillows That sounds like very healing advice from your dad and I’m glad the walk helped. It’s wonderful in the moments where you feel close to them - I’m writing to my boy every evening and that makes my heart feel so full of him. I’m finding other dogs difficult at the moment (irrational, I know) but fresh air really does help so we are getting out for lots of walks. Thinking of you and wishing you some peace tonight

@MimPimMim I know exactly what you mean about people’s comments about get another dog. I don’t want that I want my boy back 💔 But equally can I consider a future without a dog. We have loved being doggy people - the walks chats with other doggy people and their dogs the cuddles - every single thing. Except this pain.
Like you I’m still being eaten up with guilt and am hoping a chat with our vet helps tomorrow. I do trust her. I think for us the shock is wearing off and we are just left with sorrow. It’s still hard to believe that 3 weeks ago Ben was right as rain. Or appeared so...
I hope the 3 week rule is true.

@ilovecardigans how lovely Roxy sounds bless her visiting at the care home. Ben did some visits at a dementia centre a few years ago and it was lovely. She sounds perfect.
I too completely get the guilt thing - we are beating ourselves up with this but it’s so bloody hard. I wish Ben could have gone here at home in front of the fire all relaxed not on the surgery floor but that’s not how it happened. I wish I’d now asked but I assumed with lockdown it was impossible. I regret that bitterly. I wonder if we should have acted earlier how much was he in pain, should I have pushed for an earlier scan. I could go on and on. My dh has none of this he is 100% that we did the right thing at the right time.

@toomanypillows what a lovely walk you had . We have walked too - with bens lead in dhs coat pocket. It will stay there. The fresh air is good. Home is hard. Your words about joy are spot on my mum said bens taken all the joy with him 😢 our boys are big boy men now so Ben took the place of the joy little children bring. He bought the fun abs smiles instead to us and his nanny and grandad.
Your dads wise words of living in the moment are so very true though - something I’m really rubbish at. Will try harder.

Ben too loved a smelly roll - dead fish, rats, fox poo all specialities. I’d take that now!!

@MimPimMim I hope work is ok this week. We have tomorrow as annual leave but back at it Tuesday. I took leave most of last week after we lost Ben on Wednesday. I’d do anything to be going into my office on Tuesday but have been working from home since last March and that’s tough - Ben has been lying by my desk since then and he won’t be there. I’ve thought about it and one upside of the pandemic is that it meant Ben had had me and ds1 at home with him working from home for nearly a year so he had us all to himself.

I’m hoping sleep comes tonight and we cope with tomorrow. We are going to take Ben for a walk after we pick him up and before we bring him home.

Goodnight everyone, run free and rest easy all our beautiful dogs. Xxx

Hello again, still such a lovely supportive thread. The thought about ‘get another dog’ made me want to chip in, without in any way wanting to upset those do you grieving.

You will never replace your dog. If that were even slightly possible you wouldn’t be where you are now (and I wouldn’t have been in absolute despair when my boy went a few months ago). Anyone who says that is the answer doesn’t get it.

However, I did get another dog very quickly. To say it’s a replacement to make everything better is an insult to my boy. But what she is, is joy. Purpose. Work. I was a dog owner without a dog and simply couldn’t imagine being that way forever. She is slowly patching over the hole in my heart and building new bonds. They are nothing to do with, or like, my special boy, but they are in the same part of my heart. It helps more than anything else and I’ll do my best for her every day. She’s not getting part of an owner because I’m not over him (and I’m not) - she needed a home and I had a home, and I feel blessed, again.

If you were a woo kind of person, you might believe he sent her, because the bond had to go somewhere. If you’re not (like me) it is worth thinking you did the best for your dog and you will have to do the best for you, in time.

Strength and handholds to those of you in the midst of loss. It’s so hard. It gets easier, you hold onto them and carry them with you.

@Oliphanto

Hello again, still such a lovely supportive thread. The thought about ‘get another dog’ made me want to chip in, without in any way wanting to upset those do you grieving.

You will never replace your dog. If that were even slightly possible you wouldn’t be where you are now (and I wouldn’t have been in absolute despair when my boy went a few months ago). Anyone who says that is the answer doesn’t get it.

However, I did get another dog very quickly. To say it’s a replacement to make everything better is an insult to my boy. But what she is, is joy. Purpose. Work. I was a dog owner without a dog and simply couldn’t imagine being that way forever. She is slowly patching over the hole in my heart and building new bonds. They are nothing to do with, or like, my special boy, but they are in the same part of my heart. It helps more than anything else and I’ll do my best for her every day. She’s not getting part of an owner because I’m not over him (and I’m not) - she needed a home and I had a home, and I feel blessed, again.

If you were a woo kind of person, you might believe he sent her, because the bond had to go somewhere. If you’re not (like me) it is worth thinking you did the best for your dog and you will have to do the best for you, in time.

Strength and handholds to those of you in the midst of loss. It’s so hard. It gets easier, you hold onto them and carry them with you.

I understand you. I spoke to my son about it other day. He said it would continue our girls legacy. But I think it soon. But not out of the question

Your message is very comforting @Oliphanto
Thank you I’ve read to dh too 😘
That’s exactly what we are now dog owners without a dog so I cling onto that hope that we may feel strong enough in time.
I’m a big rescue advocate and Ben was a rescue pup our cats are all rescue snd I support local rescues. I said to dh Ben would say when it’s time offer my home to a needy soul you gave me such a lovely life maybe we could foster initially?
But just now that’s too painful it’s just our boy we want 😭 nobody else
Today is going to be hard after we collect Ben at 10.30 we will take him a walk over the common he loved. Then bring him home
But that thought just kills me - he will be in a little box. Oh my poor poor boy im so sorry baby
I will check in later today
Sending love and strength to you all xxx

Ah oliphanto the heart is such a beautiful thing, in its capacity to love. I’m not ready yet but I very much hope that I’m able to open my heart and home to another dog one day. They bring such a particular type of joy. I think that’s another complicating factor of the grief for me, in that I don’t think our circumstances will allow that for a while. That might be the right thing, as it might always feel like we are not ready, or it might be a further cause of heartbreak. Time will tell. I’m so glad your girl is helping you to heal and is filling your house with joy again. Without a dog, a house feels a particular type of empty and I can imagine yours has brought your house to life again. She sounds like a blessing, in so many ways ❤️

benji Thinking of you this morning

What a gorgeous girl, @ilovecardigans - I bet she was a real character as well, with that cross!

Don't know what else to say, really, except that I'm thinking of you all xx

Thank you @spiderlight - your support and understanding means so much. I really appreciate it x

@benji13 thinking about you today ❤️.

@MimPimMim - that description rings so true - "dog owners without a dog." I wanted to go for a walk this afternoon as it's nice and sunny, but now I've finished work I really don't fancy it. Before, it wouldn't have even been a question; we'd have been up and at 'em.

A lovely colleague and friend sent me a bouquet of roses through the post this morning. They're so beautiful and they fill the room with colour and scent. I told Joey they were for him and I think I'm going to plant a Rose Bush for him outside when it's Spring.

I've started to accept his passing a little bit because I have realised (through looking at endless photos and videos) that he WAS an old boy, even though it didn't feel like he was

He lived longer than his expected lifespan, and he was healthy and happy to the end. I think I never allowed myself to accept that doggies have the lifespan that they do, and so somehow it crept up on me.
The more I realise that he was almost 15, the more I accept that it was probably always going to be around now. I just never let my head go there.

I hope you are all OK today ❤️

@toomanypillows Your friend sounds so thoughtful, what a kind gesture. A rose bush sounds lovely. I think we might go for purple rhododendrons in planters, so we can take them with us when we move again at some point in the future. They bloom around my boy’s birthday and we had beautiful purple rhododendrons at our old house, so it seems fitting.

I’m glad it is helping you to think about the long and happy life your boy had. He sounds so loved and like he had many wonderful years. I hope that is giving you some comfort. My handsome boy was coming up to 13 and his breed averages 12-15 years so, although he was definitely well into his senior years, I really didn’t expect him to be gone so soon. Cancer is awful. I feel sad for us but also sad for him that he was robbed of more time with us. The vet thinks the cancer had spread the brain, which mercifully took him quickly, but it hurts to think that he still seemed so happy and healthy. One minute here, the next not. I’m really struggling with the fact that it feels like he has gone before his time. He never seemed like an old dog - still full of energy and life. I had a talk with his vet again about the type of cancer he had and she reiterated that it is a particularly aggressive type, so there was nothing we could do. My poor boy never stood a chance. I knew all the statistics but, in my heart of hearts, I really believed that he would be an outlier and that we’d get to keep him. I imagined him as an old dog. I thought there would be more time. It’s hard to believe there wasn’t.

This sounds a bit mad but I filled up his water bowl today. I had such a visceral need to do something for him and it was all I could think to do. I’m finding it hard not to do things for him. Mornings always seemed so busy and now there seems to be so much time. I don’t know what to do with it all.

Thank you to everyone who is still following this thread and providing support - I suspect people in real life might think I have lost the plot a bit. I’m trying to be kind to myself but it’s hard. Hoping it gets better soon.

@MimPimMim I'm so sorry - I didn't mean to be thoughtless when I said that about my boy living to old age. I suppose I was just grabbing comfort. Cancer is so awful and I'm so sorry it robbed you of that time with him, but it is so clear how loved and content he must have been. What a life he had!

I understand about filling the water bowl. There is still a bit of water left in from J's last drink and I haven't emptied it out yet (though I made a Herculean effort to vacuum today, knowing that there won't be any more hairs)
I think when I've washed his bowl, I'm going to leave it out with water in too. I came down this morning to the kitchen and opened the back door as the first thing to do - and then I realised it's actually really cold and I don't need to do that any more. I didn't realise I always did it for him - it's just muscle memory I suppose.

When he comes to visit your dreams, he'll be glad of that water ❤️

Oh no @toomanypillows, I didn’t read it like that all. Please don’t worry about it. It’s so important that we find comfort where we can and I’m so glad that thinking of your boy’s long and happy life is helping you It’s all a matter of perspective really isn’t it - my boy was also a senior gentleman (we always used to call him a grandfather dog ) and I think I just need to get to the place where I can remember all the very many (and there are so so many) happy memories and stop focussing on all the time that I thought was still left to come. It’s a process, isn’t it? And regardless of how we lost them, we all miss our dogs - it’s not how old they were but not having them by our sides anymore that hurts.

I’m a bit relieved that you understand about the water bowl - I think some of the things I am doing at the moment, lots of people would think I am quite mad. Thank you, it really helps to know that people understand. Muscle memory is such a strange thing, I even sometimes reach down to stroke him out of habit - even though I know he is not there, the action of doing it is such a reflex and I can’t stop myself from doing it. I suppose at some point I will and I’m not sure if that will help or hurt.

I hope you have had a better day today ❤️

Hello lovely people
We collected Ben this morning. It was strangely equally hard and comforting. We then took him over our favourite common walk. We sat on a bench with our coffees and toasted him and thanked him for all the fantastic joy we bought to our lives. We then walked with him, cuddled a few gorgeous dogs and told a lovely lady with a sassy little dog about our loss. It was so quiet and calm over there we felt a real sense of calmness for the first time since last week.
We came home and settled Ben in the lounge. We need to sort a photo out for his casket tomorrow. He has a candle next to him. We have a paw print which dh is going to get a tattoo of - when we can and a heart breaking envelope of fur 😢
I feel comfort that our boy is home I suppose but just want him as he was here.
We went to see our vet at tea time to hand her a thank you card and unused meds and food. She said we absolutely did the right thing that he would have lasted another week probably. She said my constant questioning that we did the right thing is simply grief. That it will abate and that we all just want them forever. She did however say we had a diamond and that he was very special and leaves very large boots to fill!!

I suppose I have taken some comfort from today but the grief still comes in waves like an ocean.

Our little cat Willow who we fostered and kept who is about 18 months has been a comfort she’s a proper little lap cat and has let me cuddle and cuddle her.

Tonight we have been sorting photos of Ben into one file - from over the years for a photo book. We can see that he enjoyed real golden times with us and the kids - holidays at the beach, trips out, Christmas, cuddling in the sofa- beautiful memories. I can see he had a ball. I can also see how much he had aged. Like you @toomanypillows I just don’t think I let myself go there..

@MimPimMim your idea of purple rhododendrons sounds so lovely you must do that.

I feel exactly like you do regarding the cancer. Ben was 12 but because he was a cross breed we had a good couple of years in our head and then wham cancer takes him in an instant. We feel robbed for him. He was getting older and slower but still had loads of life and was right as rain to us at new year.

I completely get what you lsay about muscle memory. I come down in the morning and automatically open the back door for Ben. I guess that will stop

What terrifies me is losing the essence of him I feel it going already. I can close my eyes and see his paws his ears snd feel his ruffle of fur but I can’t see his face until I look at a photo and they truly crucifies me I’m so
Scared of forgetting things. I can’t smell him anymore
Today we finally hoovered
The back seat of my car has his muddy paw prints on it snd I won’t ever be able to wipe them away.

This grief is exhausting
I’d give anything to have him here.
I hope you ladies had an ok day and are coping.

Hope our babies are racing around up there having fun fit and well and waiting for the day we are together ❤️

I’m still here, just popping in, and I think you’re all amazing. Night everyone.

Good evening dear friends. You have all been in my thoughts. I read this thread in the morning and the evening and every time I shed a tear.

Thank you so much for your post, Oliphanto. It was thoughtful and beautiful and it helped.

Mim and pillows, I love that you put water out for your dogs. I think it helps keep them in the present tense IYSWIM.

spider, thank you for your lovely comment. Yep, Roxy was a one-off. I could write a book about all the mad stuff she got up to, her quirks and the endless hours of entertainment she gave us. She was the most vocal dog I've ever known and we knew what each and every one of her noises meant. I swear she had a wicked sense of humour too...

Benji, oh my, such a hard day for you today. You must be shattered, poor love. x

Mim, wishing you the strength to get through tomorrow at work. It's so hard when there are no sympathetic people to talk to. I'm retired now, but everyone at my last job was a doggy person (we even had an office dog!) and I know they would have been so supportive. I really feel for you. We will keep holding you up for as long as you need. xx

Much love to everyone missing a beloved dog tonight. 💕

@Benji13

Hello lovely people We collected Ben this morning. It was strangely equally hard and comforting. We then took him over our favourite common walk. We sat on a bench with our coffees and toasted him and thanked him for all the fantastic joy we bought to our lives. We then walked with him, cuddled a few gorgeous dogs and told a lovely lady with a sassy little dog about our loss. It was so quiet and calm over there we felt a real sense of calmness for the first time since last week. We came home and settled Ben in the lounge. We need to sort a photo out for his casket tomorrow. He has a candle next to him. We have a paw print which dh is going to get a tattoo of - when we can and a heart breaking envelope of fur 😢 I feel comfort that our boy is home I suppose but just want him as he was here. We went to see our vet at tea time to hand her a thank you card and unused meds and food. She said we absolutely did the right thing that he would have lasted another week probably. She said my constant questioning that we did the right thing is simply grief. That it will abate and that we all just want them forever. She did however say we had a diamond and that he was very special and leaves very large boots to fill!!

I suppose I have taken some comfort from today but the grief still comes in waves like an ocean.

Our little cat Willow who we fostered and kept who is about 18 months has been a comfort she’s a proper little lap cat and has let me cuddle and cuddle her.

Tonight we have been sorting photos of Ben into one file - from over the years for a photo book. We can see that he enjoyed real golden times with us and the kids - holidays at the beach, trips out, Christmas, cuddling in the sofa- beautiful memories. I can see he had a ball. I can also see how much he had aged. Like you @toomanypillows I just don’t think I let myself go there..

@MimPimMim your idea of purple rhododendrons sounds so lovely you must do that.

I feel exactly like you do regarding the cancer. Ben was 12 but because he was a cross breed we had a good couple of years in our head and then wham cancer takes him in an instant. We feel robbed for him. He was getting older and slower but still had loads of life and was right as rain to us at new year.

I completely get what you lsay about muscle memory. I come down in the morning and automatically open the back door for Ben. I guess that will stop

What terrifies me is losing the essence of him I feel it going already. I can close my eyes and see his paws his ears snd feel his ruffle of fur but I can’t see his face until I look at a photo and they truly crucifies me I’m so
Scared of forgetting things. I can’t smell him anymore
Today we finally hoovered
The back seat of my car has his muddy paw prints on it snd I won’t ever be able to wipe them away.

This grief is exhausting
I’d give anything to have him here.
I hope you ladies had an ok day and are coping.

Hope our babies are racing around up there having fun fit and well and waiting for the day we are together ❤️

Oh sweetie it’s so hard. That day we brought the urn home really hurt. It was a month after because of Christmas. It’s been six weeks for us. Still equally painful. Hugs x

Just wanted to pop in to say thank you so much again to everyone for your kind words and continued support - it means so much. I have been rereading the lovely words on this thread when things are particularly hard and it gives me such comfort. I knew this would be hard but my grief has really knocked me off my feet. I really need to believe that things will get better and you kind, lovely people give me hope that it will. Thank you ❤️

cardigans Thank you for your kind words about work tomorrow - I’m really dreading it. I have nearly a full day of Teams calls and it just feels like such a mountain to climb. I have arranged a call with a lovely colleague of mine (not a doggy person but always unfailingly kind) just to see a friendly face in the morning. I’m not really sure how much to tell her because I’m worried about people saying the wrong thing and making me feel worse. But hopefully, it will make me feel a bit better just to see a friendly face. I hope you have had a better day today My boy was also incredibly vocal - it sounds like he and Roxy could have given each other a run for their money! It makes the house even quieter now and I would give so much to hear his wide variety of noises again. It does give me comfort that I can summon them to mind immediately whenever I need to hear them - likely because they were the constant soundtrack to our lives

benji I know just how you feel, I’m exhausted too. Physically and mentally. It gave me some comfort to bring my boy home and at least to know he is back where he belongs. He is up in our bedroom as he couldn’t bear to be on his own at night and it makes me feel better to be sleeping in the same room as him again. I truly believe that you won’t lose the essence of him. They will feel like they are slipping away because you are trying so hard to keep that at the front of your mind. I am doing the same too. I check in my mind so often that I can remember all the little details of him. We are writing down memories too, which helps. Wishing you some peace and rest tonight

curlymom I really feel for you having to wait so long to bring your girl back home. I can only imagine how hard that was. I hope that you are starting to heal, even if slowly for now

oliphanto Thank you. That means a lot. I appreciate you checking in. It helps ❤️

Wishing peace and rest to all of you tonight, along with lovely memories of your beautiful dogs. I dreamt of my boy again last night - he was running in a vast field with lots of other dogs. He looked restored to his younger self. I find myself trying to convince myself that he is telling me that he is ok but, at the very least, I think that means my mind is trying to reassure me. Every night when I can eventually go to sleep, I hope that he’ll visit and stay a little longer this time. Sending rest to you all

Good morning friends

Not a good day today so far
I didn’t sleep well really and woke feeling so sad. I miss our boy so much. He hasn’t come in my dreams
I can’t come to terms with the fact I’ll never see his beautiful face again, never cuddle his squishy body or hold his paw in my hand. It’s killing me. The house is so empty.

Life’s never going to be the same is it.

I am supposed to be working but have booked annual leave I can’t focus. Tomorrow will be a week since he was here. Today a week ago is the day he became really unwell I feel. Oh my poor poor boy. I’m so sorry.

How do we move on from here?

I hope everyone else is faring better today. This is a long hard road isn’t it.

@Benji13 it is a long hard road but I promise you it gets better. Go easy on yourself - you collected ashes yesterday, it’s all so immediate. I don’t really remember the first week, just a sort of emptiness and like you it would hit me I’ll never see him again. It’s like a physical blow of the physical loss. Awful.

Again, I don’t feel like that now. I can recall him so well it’s like a comforting presence. I’m not suggesting he’s haunting the house or anything, but he’s never far away. He’s always with me. I feel calm, sad yes, but it’s like he’s in another room but the room is in my head. I don’t really know how else to describe it. The point is, I promise you this gets better.

You have to go through it to get through it and I think everything you’re feeling and doing is ‘normal’. Well, I don’t mind telling you I spent far too much time on his bed, smelling things of his to get the smell back, moving around his ashes/pawprint (though I didn’t think those things represented HIM, he was so alive and full of it, they annoyed me after the initial comfort). A couple of times I tapped on the cupboard door he used to sleep on his back against just to recreate the noise his dream feet made when he was running in his sleep, flat on his back.

In time, I realised he’s with me, he’s not in those physical things. It’s a strange thing but he’s never far. A trace of him is in every black lab I see, and thankfully there are lots of them! But mostly I’ve accepted he’s left a part of him with me somehow.

You must all think I’m very strange but just in case any of this resonates, or comes to.

I think the alternative to having to get through this shit is having never had them, and that’s inconceivable. I don’t know who I’d be without having been so blessed as to share my life with my sidekick. I do miss him, all the time, but it’s not all consuming like at the beginning.

You can do this. Handhold (and a scratch on the cupboard). X