Dog PTS tonight - I am devastated

[MimPimMim]

My beautiful boy was PTS suddenly tonight - he had a seizure on Tuesday which the vet thought was a one off and then collapsed again with seizures tonight, which didn’t stop until he was sedated at the emergency vet. He had been diagnosed with cancer six weeks ago but the vet thought he had a good number of months to go. It has all happened really suddenly - I was cuddling him at 10, he collapsed at 10.30 and was gone by 11.45. My poor husband had to take him to the emergency vet with my boy having seizures in the car - I couldn’t go as we have a toddler and someone needed to stay with her. My heart is broken and breaking for him - he was nearly 13 and we have had him since he was a puppy. I can’t believe he is gone and I can’t believe I couldn’t be with him at the end. I am thankful my husband could (especially as we are in lockdown) but i just hope he knew how much I love him too. I miss him already and can’t believe he has gone. I don’t really know why I am posting this, I supposed I am in shock and just so sad. How can he not be here anymore? My heart feels broken - I know we made the kindest decision for him but I just can’t believe this has happened.

I’m really sorry. I lost my girl, my best friend five weeks ago today. I know that pain. Don’t feel bad for not being here. I waited in the car and my husband stayed with her. Take each day as it comes and be kind to yourself.

@TheMostHappy Thank you for your kind words - it is such a loss. We are trying to remember how lucky we are to have been his people ❤️ I am so sorry to hear about your boy and I wish I had some healing words for you. Do you have a vet that you trust to help you decide when it is time? I have found solace in my boy’s vet - she knew us and him so well and saw him through a lot. She has given me so much reassurance that we made the right choices for him at every turn, even though the last choice we had to make was so heartbreaking. It helps to think we put him ahead of our own suffering. He deserved nothing less. Your boy sounds so loved - he is lucky to have you and you him

@MuttsNutts Thank you - in amongst the sadness, I feel a strange sense of relief that he is back with us now. It gives me some comfort to know that he is with us again, just as he always wanted to be. Finding that photo was a gift - I am so grateful to my DH for capturing that moment. I think I will always feel sad that we didn’t get the last day with him that we thought we’d get, making the very most of him and savouring every precious second. I am still struggling with the memories of his last evening and not being there at the end. I hope that this will fade in time. But, when I think about it from his perspective, all the the many many photos and videos we have of him show that he was happy and that he knew he was loved. And really, that’s all that matters. We did the best we could for him and we were his family. We always will be ❤️

@curlymom Thank you for your kind thoughts and I am so sorry for your loss It is such an enormous pain. I am trying to be gentle with myself, I hope you are too. Sending you strength and love - I hope some of the pain is being replaced by the wonderful memories you have of time with your girl. She sounds so loved 💕

@MimPimMim But if you had known in advance, he would have sensed your anxiety and fear, because they always do. As it was, the time he spent with you was as it always was and not tainted by your sadness. It may seem cruel to have had him snatched from you so unexpectedly but for him, it was probably the kindest thing so for that try to be grateful.

Thank you @MuttsNutts, that’s very comforting. It does help to think that all he knew was kindness and love not sadness or worry. I did panic after he collapsed and it was clear that he wasn’t going to come out of the seizures. It haunts me that he might have picked up on how frightened I was. His lovely vet has told me that he probably wasn’t aware of what was going on at that point so I hope that he never knew that. I am working really hard to believe that. I hope, in time, my memories of the last awful part of the night will fade and I will be able to focus more on the last cuddle we had together. I got him out of his bed for a cuddle and he settled straight down into my nap, snuggling up against me and breathing contentedly. He was there for a long time and he was a happy boy in that moment, I’m sure of it. That is where I want to go back to in my mind and I hope I’m able to do that in time. In the meantime, I am trying to be kind to myself - both trying not to beat myself up for having an understandable reaction to a horrendous situation and trying so hard to really believe his vet. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate your kindness and reassurance, thank you.

Hello lovely doggy people
What a helpful thread this is. Thank you for the lovely messages about our boy.

Today has been another hard one and it’s now 48 hours since he went to sleep. The house is so bloody quiet and he wasn’t a noisy dog! It’s so empty , we have 3 cats we love very much but they are upstairs on the beds in the evenings and our boy was always here with us in the lounge. He was a collie cross so a medium sized lad who filled half the sofa or a good area of the floor it’s just so empty.

We went a walk tonight on our own which is hard and no greeting at the door when we got home just emptiness.

We can’t eat or sleep it’s just so hard. My mom and dad and mom in law are devastated too they loved Ben to bits. My mom and dad sort of had a part share in him - they minded him 3 days a week 10 - 6 while I worked and when we holidayed. So he adored his nanny’s and grandad. My dad has early dementia and Ben bought him great comfort. Dad has broken his heart and cried and cried
We visited yesterday - sat outside to chat - and my poor mom couldn’t help herself but hold dh and I as we all cried and cried. I haven’t touched my mom for nearly a year but I need her now so much. They have both had their 2 jabs now thankfully

Our boys are big strapping young men now - still at home and are so upset too. Our eldest went out last night and came back with crisps, beer, chocolate, magazines and flowers for us- bless him. He’s struggling with his grief and needs his girlfriend 😢

This has knocked us all for six completely. I’m so scared that we will never be able to love another dog as we had the very best in the world - we really did.

I also keep going over and over the last 2 weeks. I fear we let him down. And I feel so panicky that we have done that final thing and let him go. Is this guilt thing normal??

We will collect his ashes on Monday and the taking him for a walk in the park is such a lovely idea which we will borrow.
Sending love and comfort to you all xxx

@MimPimMim I'm so glad that bringing him home has given you comfort. I told DH about you taking him to the park, and that's what we're going to do when we pick boyo up next week.

The house is so quiet
I asked Alexa to play the ticking of a grandfather clock so I didn't have to sit in silence and it was strangely comforting.

I contemplated cleaning the patio windows today, but his snoot and paw art is still on it, so that's going to stay!

I absolutely collapsed in sobs earlier with no trigger. But since then I've been a bit calmer. I'm under no illusion that I'm anywhere near through this yet but I do feel a touch of peace today. Like I've accepted it and need to grieve.
Maybe I hadn't quite accepted it until now

I hope you're all OK tonight. @benji13 please be kind to yourself. Your Ben was so lucky to have someone who loved him so much

@benji13 I think the guilt is sadly very normal.

I feel it too. I keep going over it and wondering if I should have been more positive, or asked different questions.

I think we need to remember that as doggy parents our instinct is probably always right and that as we love them, so we have to make decisions for them. Not us.

I have no doubt whatsoever that you have never let Ben down

@toomanypillows Thank you. I hope it helps when you take your boy to the park next week. It has been a hard morning. I think it is sinking in that my beautiful, affectionate, cheeky, clever, brilliant boy is really gone. The house feels so empty. I feel unmoored.

Sending you all love, strength and good memories of your wonderful dogs

@Benji13

Hello lovely doggy people What a helpful thread this is. Thank you for the lovely messages about our boy.

Today has been another hard one and it’s now 48 hours since he went to sleep. The house is so bloody quiet and he wasn’t a noisy dog! It’s so empty , we have 3 cats we love very much but they are upstairs on the beds in the evenings and our boy was always here with us in the lounge. He was a collie cross so a medium sized lad who filled half the sofa or a good area of the floor it’s just so empty.

We went a walk tonight on our own which is hard and no greeting at the door when we got home just emptiness.

We can’t eat or sleep it’s just so hard. My mom and dad and mom in law are devastated too they loved Ben to bits. My mom and dad sort of had a part share in him - they minded him 3 days a week 10 - 6 while I worked and when we holidayed. So he adored his nanny’s and grandad. My dad has early dementia and Ben bought him great comfort. Dad has broken his heart and cried and cried
We visited yesterday - sat outside to chat - and my poor mom couldn’t help herself but hold dh and I as we all cried and cried. I haven’t touched my mom for nearly a year but I need her now so much. They have both had their 2 jabs now thankfully

Our boys are big strapping young men now - still at home and are so upset too. Our eldest went out last night and came back with crisps, beer, chocolate, magazines and flowers for us- bless him. He’s struggling with his grief and needs his girlfriend 😢

This has knocked us all for six completely. I’m so scared that we will never be able to love another dog as we had the very best in the world - we really did.

I also keep going over and over the last 2 weeks. I fear we let him down. And I feel so panicky that we have done that final thing and let him go. Is this guilt thing normal??

We will collect his ashes on Monday and the taking him for a walk in the park is such a lovely idea which we will borrow.
Sending love and comfort to you all xxx

Hi Benji13 I just read through again and saw your story. I’m sorry you are going through this heart wrenching pain too. I’m in floods of tears again. I had he guilty feelings too. Did I do to much? Didn’t I do enough? Was it too soon? Too late? It’s so hard. We are just lighting a little candle we have by her things. Her memory lives on. I hope you have a better day x

Dear friends, I have been reading and thinking of you all.

Benji I wish I had the words to comfort you. I'm so sorry. He has such a lovely face - you can just see what a gentle soul he is. Roxy's two beds (one upstairs, the other next to our bed upstairs) are still there, 4 weeks later. Her toy box (yep, she had that many toys) is still in the corner, overflowing with assorted creatures in various stages of destruction.

Last night I swear I thought I saw her out of the corner of my eye, lying sleeping in her downstairs bed. My heart missed a beat. It was both strangely comforting and devastating at the same time.

I have put all of her unused food, treats and meds in a box to take up to our local animal rescue. Unfortunately, they've said that they can't take them at present due to this bastard pandemic (they don't have the space to store them until they are 'safe').

Mim, our Roxy's ashes are in our bedroom too, so she's not on her own too long... Every evening when I go up to close the curtains I switch on a little string of fairy lights so she's not in the dark and I tell her how much I love her and miss her. My favourite moment of the day was lying in bed, reading and listening to her deep, muffly, snuffly breathing. So comforting.

I'm hoping today will be a better day. It's rained non stop for 4 days and I've been stuck in the house brooding too much, but the sun is actually shining today, so I will get out and get some fresh air. And hopefully scruffle a few lovely dogs along the way.

Much love to you all and thank you for your posts. It helps so much to know that I'm not alone, even though I wish none of us were going through this. 💕

@ilovecardigans Thinking of you and your girl. I hope today has turned out to be a better day. Baby steps. Please do feel free to PM me if it ever helps to talk or you need some support - I will listen

Just checking in to see how you all are.

@MimPimMim I'm so glad you have your boys ashes home. That helped me.

@Benji13 and @curlymom I'm so sorry for both your losses.

@ilovecardigans I hope you are having a better day to day.

Sorry if I've missed anyone. But I'm thinking of you all x

Oh @ilovecardigans - Roxy's fairy lights have finished me off!! Such a loving little gesture.

Thank you @Chesneyhawkes1 - I really hope your little man is doing ok. I have been thinking of him. I really appreciate you checking in. It has been a bad day today and I am struggling. But, I have been rereading through the many many supportive messages on this thread for reassurance and it is helping. So much hope and comfort. What a kind, lovely group of people - it helps so much to know that people understand and have come out the other side. Thank you so much

@ilovecardigans I love the idea of the string of fairy lights, what a beautiful idea. When we eventually move back into our bedroom, we will take our boy with us and I think I’ll do the same. I have been struggling with the idea of where to put him as he never wanted to be left alone. That is such a lovely gesture that makes me feel a bit better about that side of things ❤️

Hi all.

I feel weird today.

It was this time last week that Joey collapsed and lost use of his legs. He was like a rag doll last Saturday night.
He never regained the use of his back legs but he perked up on the front of his body on Sunday and Monday. We had his bloods done on Monday and he had a difficult night (couldn't move or walk or go to the toilet without us holding him up) and his bloods came back on Tuesday saying he had renal failure

He went to sleep on Tuesday which is only 4 days ago, but I feel like we lost him a week ago. We honestly thought he was going to slip away on the Saturday he was so lifeless. We started grieving while he was still here - I think it helped because we knew he was on his way, but we could tell him all the things we love about him.
So today I feel a strange sort of acceptance. I don't quite have the visceral pangs of grief I've been having all week. I did this morning, but I'm somehow calmer this afternoon.

I'm so sad and empty still in my whole body, but it's just a different feeling.

And then I got upset because it really has only been 4 days - so am I starting to accept it now? I don't think I am really. I think I'm adapting my grief so I can function.

I also feel like he's moving further away. I can't quite feel him any more and that really upsets me. Where are you boy?

Is it OK that I'm not falling to pieces all the time? I was - the whole last week since Saturday I've been falling to pieces - couldn't eat or sleep. But today I'm calmer. Why is that? Why can't I do sadness properly?
I loved him so much. He was my whole world.

I want him home. I want him here. The soundtrack to my house has changed and my landscape has changed and I'm so scared if I'm already accepting it.

I hope you're all OK today

@toomanypillows

Hi all.

I feel weird today.

It was this time last week that Joey collapsed and lost use of his legs. He was like a rag doll last Saturday night.
He never regained the use of his back legs but he perked up on the front of his body on Sunday and Monday. We had his bloods done on Monday and he had a difficult night (couldn't move or walk or go to the toilet without us holding him up) and his bloods came back on Tuesday saying he had renal failure

He went to sleep on Tuesday which is only 4 days ago, but I feel like we lost him a week ago. We honestly thought he was going to slip away on the Saturday he was so lifeless. We started grieving while he was still here - I think it helped because we knew he was on his way, but we could tell him all the things we love about him.
So today I feel a strange sort of acceptance. I don't quite have the visceral pangs of grief I've been having all week. I did this morning, but I'm somehow calmer this afternoon.

I'm so sad and empty still in my whole body, but it's just a different feeling.

And then I got upset because it really has only been 4 days - so am I starting to accept it now? I don't think I am really. I think I'm adapting my grief so I can function.

I also feel like he's moving further away. I can't quite feel him any more and that really upsets me. Where are you boy?

Is it OK that I'm not falling to pieces all the time? I was - the whole last week since Saturday I've been falling to pieces - couldn't eat or sleep. But today I'm calmer. Why is that? Why can't I do sadness properly?
I loved him so much. He was my whole world.

I want him home. I want him here. The soundtrack to my house has changed and my landscape has changed and I'm so scared if I'm already accepting it.

I hope you're all OK today

I’m so sorry. I relate to everything you are feeling. It’s been six weeks for me. Sometimes I think I’m ok sometimes I’m in floods of tears. You have to go with the grief it’s works in funny ways. Hugs

Mim, thank you so much for your support. I'm sorry you're struggling today. I understand completely. At the moment it's two baby steps forward and one back I think, but it's good that we can share the different ways we are coping with our grief. The fairy lights help me and if they can help you too, I'm glad.

I read a piece about grief in today's paper which touched a chord with me:

I have found grief like being in a washing machine. The door’s shut and the real world looks blurry through my concave door. Suddenly – and the timings are completely unreliable – you spin. Everything inside you becomes twisted and physically strange. It’s messy and soggy, and while you’re in there, there are still pants to pick up and T-shirts to turn outside in.

So, I guess we just have to keep picking up the pants for now as we move our way through this particularly inhospitable, uncharted territory.

pillows, I'm so sorry. It's a journey we're going through and there are many twists, turns and bumps in the road along the way. It's okay to feel however you feel. You will have times when you feel calm and almost 'normal' and then something will happen that throws you completely off kilter. But at the end of the day, we really have no choice but to accept and acknowledge that life as we knew it has changed and we'll never get it back. It's so awful and I hate it.

spider & Chesney 🙏

Today was a better day. I had a good long walk and although it was bitterly cold that seemed to help somehow. I scruffled 4 lovely dogs and chatted to their owners and they all understood (I love dog people). I even got a big, slobbery labrador snog and a wet nose boop on my specs. There were a few tears en route and I felt the familiar pang in my heart when I turned the key in the door and there was no small, wriggling, shouty, soft, warm lunatic to welcome me. But, I'm getting there. Very slowly.

This is how I remember Roxy best - on top of the world (well, a straw bale at least), in her prime. Keep talking and sharing everyone. 💕

Ah @ilovecardigans, how gorgeous - such a beautiful girl and I bet a wonderful memory to go with that picture. Thank you for understanding, it really does help. I think people think I should be a bit more pulled together by now, and I’m not, but I am trying to be kind to myself. It is such a loss and such a short time since it happened. I miss him so much. I’m glad you had a better day today and were able to find some comfort in other dog snuggles. I’m finding other dogs really hard at the moment - I’ve always been such a dog person but I can’t even bring myself to stroke another dog at the moment. It sounds a bit mad but, for now, I want the last dog I stroked to be my boy. Grief does funny things to the mind. That quote about grief really resonated with me, thank you for sharing. I’m glad you are starting to heal. Baby steps. We just have to keep going.

@toomanypillows I don’t think there is any proper way to ‘do’ grief - try to be kind to yourself and let yourself feel what you feel, whether that is what you think you should be feeling or not. As someone much wiser than me said upthread, the only way to get through it is to go through it. And we all go through it in different ways, none of which are more or less wrong than others. Keep going

@curlymom It is so hard and I’m thinking of you. Sending you strength and hoping that you are starting to heal, even if slowly

Hello all
@ilovecardigans that is a beautiful picture of Roxy. Was she a staffie? She looks gorgeous ❤️

It’s so bloody hard isn’t it everyone. This is our third day without our Ben. The third morning I’ve woken up without him by our bed and the third morning I’ve woken in tears. I can’t stand the thought of going downstairs as he not trotting behind me, I’m not letting him out for his wee and I’m not juggling feeding him and the cats( he was always after the cat food 😊). I’ve had to wake my dh snd go downstairs together.

We sat and cried in the lounge together. Then the day crawled on...
We have cried on and off all day. My poor Dhs eyes are so red and swollen I’ve had to get him eye drops.
I had a nice walk with my mum and we both cried and cried remembering our boy. Mum is so sad she didn’t get to say goodbye to him.
Three weeks ago today was bens last day of being normal and fit and well - he started being poorly on and off from the Sunday.

We still feel in shock about this. Who would have thought he would be gone now. God life’s hard and I can’t believe I won’t see him again.

I feel panicked that I’m starting to lose a bit of him already. Each day is a day further away from him. I can’t immediately picture him I need to keep looking at his photos.
I had a beloved dog Tess when I lived at home many years ago she’s been gone 26 years soon and is now a memory. I can’t bear the thought that that will be the case with my best boy Ben. He’s too special.

Oh god this is like ploughing through treacle. The lockdown is making it so much harder I need people to hug and hold so badly. I need to hold my poor dad who is broken-hearted.

I still can’t believe this has happened.

This is the photo I keep looking at - this is the essence of my boy and it breaks me that he won’t gaze at me again and lick my face.
Why didn’t I appreciate him every minute of the last 12 years???

Thank you @MimPimMim ❤️

@benji13 you absolutely worshipped him. It's obvious. And you won't lose the essence of him. That's exactly how I felt/feel. That I can't bear the days passing because they take me a step away from Joey.

I spoke to my 11 year old DS about it. I said I was so sad because Joey was so real and vital and solid and that I can't handle the idea that this will dissolved into memory. DS said "he's moving into long term memory"
So I said "I don't want him to fade from my short term memory because that's where he's most vivid"
And my wise little DS said "but that's what long term memory is for. So you can bring him back when you need to"

The house is so empty. But it's also full of his imprint. That's something that can never ever fade.

@toomanypillows what a wise little boy you have ❤️ You are so right about the house full of imprint too.
My ds2 is 20 and is a great hugger. He held me in the kitchen today and spoke equally wisely saying this is all normal mum it’s because of how much you loved him the tears are love. He says he hates hearing me and dh crying all the time and had to keep putting his earphones on. I felt guilty. He said he was my brother too mom 😭Ben came here when Sam was 7 and he called the puppy Ben ten, hence our Ben.

I’m sitting here with dh watching bloody match of the day. Normally I’d go to bed with Ben and read my book but I just can’t face going up there. I’ve taken a nytol for the last 3 nights but that can’t go on forever.

We didn’t appreciate normal life did we. But do you ever.

curlymom, I'm so sorry. My last post crossed with yours (I type very slowly). We're both at a similar 'stage' in this process. Sometimes I think I’m ok sometimes I’m in floods of tears. You have to go with the grief it’s works in funny ways. Yep, that's me too. Sending you kind thoughts. 🙏

Mim, it does feel odd snuggling other dogs, but they were all Roxy's friends and I couldn't not. She was a very generous little soul and never minded me fussing them when we were out on her walks. Not a jealous bone in her body. What I am finding a bit frustrating is the well-meaning people who ask 'will you get another dog?' I can't even contemplate the answer to that question right now. On the one hand, the thought of never having a dog in my life again crucifies me, on the other, I just can't imagine loving another dog as much as I loved Roxy.

Benji I feel for you so much. I still cry every day (usually when reading this thread!), but that first week was horrendous. I was like a little withered husk I cried so much. What a gorgeous face Ben has. Very noble. Our Roxy was actually a Plummer x Red Fell Terrier cross. She had the most beautiful coat - bright red gold outer fur, with a downy soft cream undercoat. Like a little palomino.

You just don't realise what you've got till it's gone, do you?

@ilovecardigans Roxy is absolutely gorgeous. Stunning coat. She has a lovely kind face too. What a sweetheart ❤️
Ben wasn’t a jealous dog either he was quite happy for us to cuddle other dogs when we were out and about but could be jealous of our 3 cats. When it was just us he was gone for us to fuss and cuddle them however When visitors came and they fussed the cats he would barge in and nudge the cats out of the way - no fuss me!! He loved our old cat poppy who went 2 years ago and hope he is with her.

I hope all you lovely people are coping today as best you can. What a slog this is. Lockdown just makes it harder as there are no distractions. We are all just stuck at home with constant reminders that our pals aren’t here.

I slept last night and when I got up I managed to come downstairs alone. I fed the cats and put the kettle on and out of habit opened the back door. I stood on the patio in the cold morning air and a pigeon landed in the middle of the lawn staring at me. It stayed for quite a while just looking and looking. I like to think it was a sign and Ben was saying I’m ok mom don’t worry - so I told him we love and miss him so bloody much but we will be ok I promise. I’d been begging him to come snd show me a sign. Maybe that was it. We also had a big while feather float over us when we visited mom in law for a doorstop visit snd we all taking about Ben and crying on Friday.

Tomorrow morning we collect bens ashes and I’m truly dreading it. I wanted him here real and beautiful not this.
We both feel broken into pieces.