Dog PTS tonight - I am devastated

[MimPimMim]

My beautiful boy was PTS suddenly tonight - he had a seizure on Tuesday which the vet thought was a one off and then collapsed again with seizures tonight, which didn’t stop until he was sedated at the emergency vet. He had been diagnosed with cancer six weeks ago but the vet thought he had a good number of months to go. It has all happened really suddenly - I was cuddling him at 10, he collapsed at 10.30 and was gone by 11.45. My poor husband had to take him to the emergency vet with my boy having seizures in the car - I couldn’t go as we have a toddler and someone needed to stay with her. My heart is broken and breaking for him - he was nearly 13 and we have had him since he was a puppy. I can’t believe he is gone and I can’t believe I couldn’t be with him at the end. I am thankful my husband could (especially as we are in lockdown) but i just hope he knew how much I love him too. I miss him already and can’t believe he has gone. I don’t really know why I am posting this, I supposed I am in shock and just so sad. How can he not be here anymore? My heart feels broken - I know we made the kindest decision for him but I just can’t believe this has happened.

@Oliphanto I cried (again) reading your last post. Such beautiful words and full of hope. I hope I feel that soon. I don’t think I’m coping very well. It’s been 12 days now and I’m just so sad. I don’t know how to make it better. I had a chat with a colleague now and (very embarrassingly) cried down Teams to her. She was very kind and made me realise that losing my beautiful boy has probably tipped me over the last edge amongst everything else that has been going on - coming back from mat leave during a pandemic, high pressure job with long hours at odd times, in the middle of a work restructure, moved house last year after a very stressful sale that dragged on for nearly two years, have a very small child to look after etc. And my boy was there through it all but now he’s not and I feel like I’m breaking. I just feel like I have no control over anything anymore. I don’t know how to make it better. Important Teams meeting this afternoon to do with the restructure and I am trying so hard to keep it together. It’s not easy.

@Benji13 I’m so sorry that you are having a hard day too. They are all hard days at the moment, aren’t they? I found the day after bringing my boy home horrendous - it was like it had started to sink in. I’m glad you were able to take some more annual leave and gave yourself a bit of a break. Is there anything you can do that will help distract your mind a bit? Even just watching some rubbish television? Sending you strength and a handhold - keep going

@MimPimMim you will. You’ve lost something that was a part of your resilience and I do understand, but it’s not the whole part.

I think they love us more than we love them, and then the day comes you have to love them more and you’re left holding your heart thinking ‘what just happened?!’ But I suspect he will have left you stronger than you think.

It would be abnormal if this didn’t hit you like a ton of bricks, to be honest. It’s testament to a bond, you carry that bond without the physical presence now, but you still have the bond. I was like THERES NOWHERE FOR THIS TO GO! Anyway, I’ve gone a bit woo again....let’s get practical.

A lot of the things I’d suggest now involve change of routine, but covid restrictions put paid to those. What can you do now to just get through and let time do it’s work? Can you join a friend for a walk (I sought out dogs, their existence was a comfort, you might not). Can you get out as a family somewhere you’d never have taken him (sheep filled walks, walks in a town centre etc)? Can you fill the time (not the space) with a project? Teach your child something? Learn something? Help someone?

Keep going. We’re all here. If I knew you I’d be happy for you to cry to me, I’d join you in fact, I feel a tiny bit of what you’re feeling but I’m here to tell you it is fine to feel like this — and there are better days ahead.

Hello everyone
Have read all of your posts this morning and they truly resonate with me today. Not having a good day at all and having to work and teach people things is challenging. I am certainly not doing my job very well, and right now I don't care one bit.

I feel him everywhere today. I miss him so very much. It really really hit me that I'll never get another cuddle. And I knew that of course. I just somehow felt it today in my soul.

I dropped some cheese on the floor earlier and I know he would have been there in a flash. It made me so upset to have to pick the cheese up.

My lovely friend sent me a gift through the post today - completely unexpected and nothing to do with the boy - just something to do with another interest of mine. And something I would never have bought for myself. Of course that made me cry too - the thoughtfulness of people.

She's not a huge pet lover herself, but she did say to me that she had never got upset about a friend's dog before - but that even she really feels J's loss . She said to me "he was so front and centre of your life. He was 100% yours and I can't imagine you without him." It made me so sad, but also sort of validated. As in - yes! He was THAT important.
It sounds like we're all having a rough spot. It's odd how we've all aligned. Maybe our pals all got together somewhere and they've made sure we connected? Because right now your support and our shared experience is really helping.

Thank you so much to those of you a little further on who show us the light. That's so important right now and it helps so much.

The day J got poorly I had a tealight candle through the post - just a sample from a company. It is absolutely gorgeous and the one tealight fills the room with a lovely scent. So I went and ordered a bigger candle with the same scent and some more tea lights in a different scent and they're being delivered today. I have two little tealight holders with a silver Patterdale engraved on them, and I'm really looking forward to putting some special candles in them. Isn't it odd what we hold onto? It doesn't bring my J back but it's for him.

I still sleep with his collar on my bed. Like the cupboard door, the jangle of his collar was the soundtrack to my day. I still need to hear it.

I hope each day that comes grants us all the strength to keep on keeping on, and to deal with our pains.

Lots of love to you all

Sorry about the massive chunky paragraph.
I formatted it properly when I wrote it and the app just bundled it all together.
I hope it still makes sense

Thank you @oliphanto - how kind you are. I feel like I’ve been hit by a bus and am struggling to find the energy to do much. I feel tired and slow. I don’t think I realised how grounding my boy was to me - always there, constant, ready to cuddle, waiting to play or have a fuss. His very presence was such a comfort to me and now that he has gone I feel like l have lost a vital part of myself.

I think you are right - I need some practical self preservation tactics to help get me through at the moment. The lockdown is making it tough. I am desperate for a change of scenery. It sounds terrible but we live in a really doggy area and I am finding seeing other people with their dogs really very painful. It’s better when my toddler is around as she is a joy and a wonderful distraction but when she is asleep or I am working and not with her then it is hard. I need some non doggy haunts to take her to but lockdown is making that challenging. Getting tickets to anywhere is impossible! But I will persevere and try to come up with some ideas. I appreciate your kindness so much, it is helping me to keep putting one foot in front of the other. Thank you.

@toomanypillows - I really feel for you, work is hard. I am also doing a shoddy job and don’t care at all. Well done you for getting your game face on to teach, that must be taking all of your strength. I think I have also sunk into a bit of a gloom that my boy has really gone, that there will be no more cuddles. I was thinking earlier about how I used to sit next to him idly play with his paws as he lay next to me. I can still feel every detail of it and it hurts so much to think that I can never do that again. Your words resonate so much - I sleep with my boy’s collar under my pillow and jangle it in the morning just so I can hear the sound it would make when he would get up for the day. When I’m making food for my daughter, I move things out of the way so that he can’t get them (he had a sensitive stomach and couldn’t have people food) and then remember that I don’t need to do that anymore. It breaks my heart. Sending you love and strength to get through the day, you are doing so well

Good evening dear friends. I hope today has been kind to you.

Oliphanto, thank you so much again for your posts. You have such a nice way of putting things. This really hit home for me - "I think the alternative to having to get through this shit is having never had them, and that’s inconceivable." You are so right. Grief is the price we pay for love.

Like so many of you, I miss the unique noises that were part and parcel of our dogs' presence. I started to try and tackle the vast collection of Roxy's squeaky toys this morning, in an effort to sort out which ones (i.e. not especially loved or eviscerated!) I could wash and donate to our local rescue centre when restrictions lift. Inevitably, this triggered a veritable tsunami of tears as each squeak reminded me of her and her mad antics. The incessant squeaking used to drive me bonkers at times, but I'd give anything to be annoyed by it now...

Yesterday I felt as though things were improving, but today, I've taken several steps backwards. I need to get out of the house, but there's nowhere to go and the weather has turned to shit again.

Sorry I am not much help to anyone at the moment.

cardigans I’m so sorry that you are having a tough day. The lockdown is making it worse for all of us, I am sure. It’s so hard without really being able to get out or change up your routine. I’m sure, as a nation, we must be headed towards a vast swath of mental health problems. I can’t tell what’s a normal level of sadness and what is a problem. How do you tell when you are not coping? This evening I feel like I am teetering on the edge. Received a real kicker of some news at work today as well, making me feel even less motivated and valued than I already did. My toddler is the only thing that is keeping me somewhat together at the moment. I’m not sure if that is a good thing or if that should be worrying me.

Ah I miss the squeaking so much. My boy had a special squeaky bone that he loved so much and would just send him running when I squeaked it, no matter where else in the house he was. He even used to take it out for walks sometimes as he couldn’t bear to put it down ❤️ I can’t bring myself to squeak it or even touch it now. It somehow represents him at his most full of life and that feels too raw at the moment.

You are helping me, by the way. This thread is helping me to hang on to my sanity. Just knowing that there is support and understanding means so much. Thank you

@ilovecardigans
I feel exactly the same. Felt a bit improved yesterday - like there was a road map towards the light. But today a big dip.

I am about to light some special candles for him. They smell amazing. I wish I could eat though - I'm starting to feel a bit off and as @MimPimMim says it's hard to know what is reasonable sadness and what is something more worrying.

Hope you're all OK

Hello. I have been reading this thread for a few days, and it seems a good place to be for the time being. We are nearing the end of the road with our 11 year old Collie cross. She has oral cancer. We've been told by the vet she is entering the 'window', where euthanasia is the kindest option. She has bursts of normality, keen for walks and food, greets at the door, but she's clearly knackered, must be in some degree of pain (although she had a steroid injection a couple of weeks ago), and struggling to eat and drink. Although it's scrambled eggs and salmon every day now, and she seems to manage most of it, albeit over a period of time. She also sometimes has a look in her eyes like she's done. I always imagined taking her to be put to sleep as a dozy old dog who was clearly on her last legs, but she isn't like that. She's still agile, periods of being very alert and wagging tail.

There's no answers, I just needed to offload to someone who doesn't live in our house.

Just popping my head in to say hello. I check in on you all most days but don’t always post. There is nothing that any of you have said that I can’t relate to having felt myself when recently bereaved of my girls.

You’ll all get through this you know, we all do in the end. No hurry though, just take your time and remember to look after yourselves...it’s what they would have wanted 😊

@Affection I i’m so very sorry to hear about your lovely girl. I too had imagined my last girl living to a ripe old age but it wasn’t to be. It’s quality of life that matters though rather than how long it lasts and it’s clear from your words that she has lived a life being loved. Savour every moment and you’ll know when it’s time ❤️

Sorry @Affectation, I misread.

@Affectation I’m so sorry to hear about your girl. Cancer is just awful. I’d pictured my boy growing into what I imagined an old dog to be, even after his cancer diagnosis as I never really believed that he wouldn’t beat the considerable odds stacked against him. I feel so sad for him and us that we didn’t get that time together. All that to say, if it helps to talk - I’ll listen. Do you trust your vet to help you decide when it is time? It is the kindest, bravest choice we can make for them but I know that doesn’t make it any easier. Enjoy the time you have with your girl now and tell her the things you want her to know. Mind you, she sounds so loved that I’m sure she knows them anyway

@toomanypillows I hope lighting the candles helps, in some small way. I find myself desperate to do things for my boy too - I think I am so used to doing things for him that I don’t know how not to and I look for things to do that are ‘for’ him. At least being in this together, much as I wish we weren’t, helps me feel a bit less like I am losing the plot. Wishing you luck on the food front too. I’m still really struggling to eat anything - it’s like my appetite has shut up shop. Ironically, the day that we lost my boy I ate an enormously greedy lunch and told myself that it was January so I didn’t need to be storing up reserves for winter... I imagine our appetites will switch themselves back on, in time.

@MuttsNutts Thank you, I really do appreciate the words of reassurance. Today has been a tough day, my colleagues who know about my boy clearly expect me to be my normal self and it is hard to square that with how I feel. There’s a lot going on at work at the moment and I don’t have the energy for it - I feel like I am being kicked from all sides right now. But I am rereading all the kind words on this thread, from people who understand, and I’m trying to see a less painful time ahead. All the words of comfort and hope really help. This thread is a lifeline. Thank you for checking in, it means a lot.

Dear Mim, thank you. 🙏 I'm sorry you had such a rotten day at work, sweetheart. Are you managing to eat anything at all? I worry about you and pillows. Please make sure you're drinking plenty of liquids if nothing else, as you will feel even worse if you get dehydrated.

Thanks for checking in Mutts. I appreciate each and every poster who has offered kind thoughts and support. This thread is my refuge.

pillows, years ago I took a class in meditation and the teacher used a candle to show us a particular type of meditation called 'trataka'. I was reminded of it when I read your post and I wonder if this might help you (and the rest of us) to cope in the midst of our grief. This is a useful guide:

awakeandmindful.com/how-to-do-a-candle-gazing-meditation-trataka/#:~:text=A%20trataka%20is%20a%20different,increases%20concentration%2C%20and%20improves%20memory.

Affectation, I'm so very sorry to read your post. Your lovely girl. Such heartbreak. Please offload as much as you need, we are all here to listen and offer support.

Sending you all kind thoughts and good wishes for a peaceful night and sweet dreams of your beloved dogs. 💕

Thank you cardigans - it means so much to have kind words and understanding. Today has been horrid and I’m dreading tomorrow. Lots of group meetings and some difficult conversations to be had. I don’t really have the energy for any of it. It is taking all my willpower not to get into bed, get under the covers and not come out.

Thank you for the meditation guide - I have been thinking that I need to try something to help still my mind. My body feels so tired but my mind is going at a million miles an hour. I need something to still my thoughts.

This thread is my refuge too, I am so appreciative of all the kind and lovely people sharing their stories and showing such empathy. It helps to know that people understand ❤️

Wishing you peace and dreams of your lovely girl tonight, in all her noisy glory! And hoping for a better day for you tomorrow

I’m so sorry love xxx

Thank you @welliguessitwouldbenice. If you have been through / are going through something similar, I am so sorry. It’s an awful thing

@MimPimMim, we’ll be going through it very soon. I adopted my old girl knowing she had stage 4 cancer and this day would come quickly, but my heart is still breaking. They’ve known absolute love, those woofers xx

Oh @welliguessitwouldbenice - I’m so sorry. What a beautiful thing you have done to have adopted her knowing what was to come. I am in awe of your kindness and bravery. She is so lucky to have you to show her such love. They give us so much don’t they, these dogs, and the heartbreaking truth is that we’d do it all over again to get to spend more time with them. Please do talk, if that helps at any point, and I will listen. I’m thinking of you and your girl

Thanks so much @MimPimMim, you’ve summed our feelings up beautifully ❤️ My girl is a former Romanian stray who spent years in a well meaning but over crowded shelter before she was brought over through a rescue collaboration. I just wanted to give her everything she’s never had and oh my, has she adapted to home comforts and a constant stream of kisses and cuddles. She had a steak on top of her dinner tonight.

Thanks again @MimPimMim. Lots of love xx

What a wonderful turn her life has taken @welliguessitwouldbenice - to have gone from a crowded shelter to a home filled with love and comfort. What a gift you have given her. Sending you strength and love for the times ahead, I’ll be thinking of you xx

I have read through a lot of these posts and I can empathise with every single one. When I had my beloved boy PTS at 13 I really was devastated. If I could have given him 10 years of my life I would have. Then 3 years later I had to have my lovely old girl (17) PTS and that was all rather sudden and just horrible. I was on a school residential trip the following day so I sat on the back of the bus with sunglasses on telling all the kids to leave me alone as all I wanted to do was howl.

We now have a new pup but it has taken almost 5 years for me to get to a place where I can have a ddog. I still miss my old boy and girl and shed a tear from time to time. The bonds we develop with our ddogs is often far closer than those with other people and when we lose them it is normal to suffer the most awful of grief.

Very occasionally I will hear the jangle of a collar from my old boy (before we got the new dog so nothing else could make the same sound) and it’s comforting as I believe he’s with me still.

I had my dogs’ ashes put into big planters that have come with us when we moved house. Now when the two lavender bushes look good I think of my dogs and it’s a little bit of comfort.

Thank you for your understanding @Wishihadanalgorithm and I am so sorry for your losses. Your dogs sound so loved, both then and now. It really is such an enormous pain and yet the expectation from most people seems to be that we call on as normal. It must have taken such strength for you to get up and work the day after losing your boy, doing that must have been awful for you

I agree completely about the bonds we form with our dogs and the importance in our lives of our relationships with them. My boy is part of my family and we have lost a family member. We were four and now we are three. It feels wrong, like there has been a mistake. I woke up in the middle of the night last night and, for a moment, thought it had all been a dream. Then I looked for my boy asleep on the bed and he was not there - I realised all over again that he is gone. My broken heart broke all over again. I am not sure how to get used to this.

You have given me some comfort that our beloved dogs remain with us all still - thank you. I keep seeing my boy out of the corner of my eye and I find myself hoping that that means he is still keeping an eye on me. I hope he is, I miss him so very much.

I am going to get some planters for my boy, to bloom around his birthday. I think it will be comforting to see something blossom at that time of year and, as you have done, the planters will be able to move with us in the future. I am glad yours give you some comfort.

I hope your new dog is helping you to continue to heal. A house feels a particular type of empty without a dog and I hope your pup is filling yours with doggy joy again. Thank you so much for the understanding, I am finding it very hard at the moment - knowing that people understand is giving me comfort and hope, which I need very much right now. It means so much ❤️

Oh @MimPimMim every time I read your posts I feel like I could have written them.
We were four and now are three is EXACTLY what I said to DH yesterday.

I'm working from home right now in my little home office and it's so so sad for me, because J used to come and lie at my feet, or sometimes even jump onto my lap. He frequently made a guest appearance on my tutor Teams calls.
This office just reminds me so much of him and also if how he got me through the wfh day.

I feel like if I was at work, at least I would be in a setting that he'd never been, so wouldn't expect him to be there all the time.

Had a real down day yesterday. Here's hoping for a better one for us all.
❤️

Thinking of you @toomanypillows - I hope you are having a better day than yesterday. I was wfh pre- pandemic but even so this is tough - I am so used to my boy being around, he never fancied being up in my office with me (always wanted to be downstairs where all the excitement was!) and it is so hard not to be able to pop out and see him in the day or spending part of the day working downstairs on the sofa with him besides me. I’ve always loved wfh but agree that being stuck in the house now is not doing me any good. I wish I could just go and sit in a coffee shop or something, just to break up the routine a bit.

Another hard day today - feeling pretty demotivated and not valued by my colleagues (unconnected to this but compounding the situation) and it is pretty tough slogging it through the day. I just had a call where someone was trying to get some energy up by asking everyone to give examples of how they are keeping positive to inspire everybody else. It took all my willpower not to cry.

Hoping for a better day for everyone today - thinking of you all

I'm so sorry to you and everyone else on this thread who has lost a beloved member of their family. One of our dogs is on borrowed time really and I can't bring myself to think about life without him. When that day comes it just won't be the same.

Sending lots of love to you and your family