Dog PTS tonight - I am devastated

[MimPimMim]

My beautiful boy was PTS suddenly tonight - he had a seizure on Tuesday which the vet thought was a one off and then collapsed again with seizures tonight, which didn’t stop until he was sedated at the emergency vet. He had been diagnosed with cancer six weeks ago but the vet thought he had a good number of months to go. It has all happened really suddenly - I was cuddling him at 10, he collapsed at 10.30 and was gone by 11.45. My poor husband had to take him to the emergency vet with my boy having seizures in the car - I couldn’t go as we have a toddler and someone needed to stay with her. My heart is broken and breaking for him - he was nearly 13 and we have had him since he was a puppy. I can’t believe he is gone and I can’t believe I couldn’t be with him at the end. I am thankful my husband could (especially as we are in lockdown) but i just hope he knew how much I love him too. I miss him already and can’t believe he has gone. I don’t really know why I am posting this, I supposed I am in shock and just so sad. How can he not be here anymore? My heart feels broken - I know we made the kindest decision for him but I just can’t believe this has happened.

Although I wish you weren’t all going through this, I have to say this is one of the most supportive MN threads I’ve ever seen. Our dogs would approve. It’s the dog equivalent of just being there.

Oh the smell of my old boy - I too had some time to ‘prepare’ and I was so worried i would forget every detail of him I confess I have about 40 pics on my phone of the most random things that if someone scrolled my camera roll they would think I was mad. Closeups of the paws (which smelt biscuity) and the webbed bits inbetween. His ears. His funny wattle on his neck. His bellybutton! Those million details you know so well. And I can tell you I haven’t looked at them once, because he and they are ingrained and still in my mind. Photos really close to his death are too much - I find comfort in the strong and healthy pics where he just IS.

And I smell my new dogs’ paws. They’re different. And I know one day I’ll be on here again, about her, wondering if anyone has ever grieved a dog this much. But it’s so, so worth it. Anyway, I don’t have to tell you that.

I only popped in to offer a handhold, and I’ve ended up telling you all about my silly pics.... ah these dogs honestly, there’s something about them, they make us better people. What a gift.

@toomanypillows There is something comforting, I think, about being seen in your grief and having people bear witness to it. What is so sad is that the wonderful, kind, empathetic people on this thread are so because they understand so well. We are all also so lucky though - those who don’t understand have perhaps not been lucky enough to experience what we have. Grief is the price we pay for love.

I think I must sound like I am doing better than I am, in that case! Tonight is a hard night. I have been writing to my boy and I made sure to time it so I was talking to him at the same time as we were sharing our last cuddle together a week ago. I want to hold onto that moment rather than what came afterwards.

I understand absolutely about needing the landscape to stay the same - our house looks frozen in time. Our whiteboard in the kitchen is frozen on the last week as I can’t bear to take his name off it or remove his appointments from that week. His bed and blankets are still there, his favourite toys piled up where he left. His water bowl still in place. His lead and harness in the basket by the front door. We were going to paint our bedroom this week but, despite having been desperate to do it for months, I can’t bring myself to do it now. Paint makes a room smell new and his essence is still so strong in there. We are sleeping in our spare bedroom because I can’t bear to wake up in our bed without him and I still can’t bring myself to do anything our bedroom. I need to leave it as it is for now. I think we all need to do whatever it is that helps us take each tiny step forwards. I can understand taking comfort from the little dark patch at the bottom of your bed.

My boy really was a wonder, thank you. He made my heart full and still does.

Wishing you some peace and rest tonight

Cardigans, Oliphanto, Mim.. The smell of those ears ❤️

I think that was the saddest realisation for me - that I will never smell those ears again.

I found a video I'd taken randomly last year where he was just on my knee and I was scratching him. Literally just 3 minutes of me scratching his ears and him looking at me and giving me a little lick.
I felt SO close to him.

It has only been 2 days and I sat and watched TV tonight and felt OK. Then I was hit with a dreadful wave if guilt for feeling OK. Then I looked at his rug and burst into tears. So clearly not OK!

I haven't worked this week - I called in sick because there is no way I can focus on anything that isn't him - and I'm finding it so hard that I can't really share my grief because I don't want people to say "sorry you lost your dog" like he wasn't the centre of my world.
Whilst people are so kind, those just seem to diminish his vital importance. And here, on this incredible thread, I feel I've found people who completely understand that these doggies are our people. Our loves.

It is so sad, but I am so glad to have found you. The timing is awful and fortunate at the same time, but I feel so lucky that you're all so generous.

@toomanypillows I would say too that I found it helpful to anyone who gave even a hint of ‘it was just a dog’ - that I felt sorry for them - they’ve never loved a dog. You loved, you’ve lost, don’t try to explain. Don’t tell me it’s not the same as x y or z, I know that, but it’s my loss and it was HUGE. I lost one of the best things in my life. In terms of everyday, he was the best thing. Still is.

But I can say a few months on, it doesn’t floor me anymore, but the sadness I’ll never see him again is forever. You do live with it though. Not in the first days or weeks but I promise, again, you will find a place for all that love. It doesn’t just die with them.

Goodnight all, I hope you sleep well and have tomorrow is easier.

@ilovecardigans Me too - I feel desperately sad for everyone feeling this pain but also less isolated. It helps to talk and listen. I have found real life support (apart from my husband and wonderful mum) hard to come by. Colleagues are unsupportive, friends don’t really understand - even those with dogs, as they either haven’t been through it or think I will derive comfort from the fact that he was an older boy when we lost him. People seem to forget he is family. This is a loss like none I have ever felt before and I am so grateful for all the support here. It means so much. And yes, their ears! I keep thinking about my boy’s ears today. Soft and silky and full of character. Sometimes they would go up in excitement and we’d call him bat dog, singing the Batman theme song to him. He used to look at us like he was gently humouring us. But I like to think he loved it really ❤️ Wishing you some peace and comforting memories tonight.

@Oliphanto Thank you for the handhold, I appreciate it more than you know. This thread has been a lifeline. And yes, just knowing that someone is there right now is immensely comforting. My boy would be happy to know that. It is also so so comforting to know that your memories of him are still so vivid. As we lost him so suddenly, I keep worrying that we don’t have enough pictures, enough videos, to remember all the beautiful details of him. Everything about him is still so sharp and I don’t want him to go fuzzy. I found a photo of him on my phone today which gave me so much comfort - it was taken by my DH at 1am on the day that we lost my beautiful boy. He and I are asleep in bed, my arms are wrapped around him, his legs are curled around my arm. He looks happy. He looks like a dog who knows how much he is loved. The love between us is so clear. In the blur of everything that came afterwards, I had forgotten that my DH had sent me that picture in the morning. I howled when I found it but I will treasure it forever. How much these dogs enrich our lives - I am so glad you have found some solace in your girl.

I am going to have to go back to work tomorrow, I think. I am dreading having to put on a brave face. How do I pretend that everything is ok? Do I pretend that everything is ok? I don’t think I can bear to break down at work but I’m not sure I can pretend that everything is fine. I work from home, which makes it harder. My boy was such a part of my work routine as well - breakfast and garden time beforehand, lunchtime walk and cuddles, popping downstairs for the occasional fuss, taking him into the garden when I had finished for the day, working in the evening sitting next to him. I don’t think work will feel like a distraction. I think I will feel his absence so keenly. It was lovely just to know that he was downstairs and I could see him. And now I can’t. He’s so strongly in my mind now and I don’t want to come out of this bubble into the minutiae of work. My world has turned upside down and I’m not sure how to reconcile that with work.

@MimPimMim take it slowly at work tomorrow. You need to take care of you.
I know what you mean - I teach and I joked to my students that the benefits of working from home were good coffee and access to dog.

He would lie at my feet almost all day in my office. I went in this morning and came straight back out. It was the emptiest most soulless place.

Just take your time. If you're not ready then you're not ready.

@Oliphanto thank you. That's good advice and also really reassuring.

I do have pockets where I'm breathing OK and functioning OK. My boy was put to sleep on Tuesday but really we knew from Saturday. I won't talk about the details as it's too soon, but I've been crying since Saturday so it feels longer than 2 days. I've been preparing myself for longer.
But the grief hit me like a steel tank on Tuesday. It was physical and palpable and I wasn't prepared.

I believe I will be warm and happy again in my head , but I cannot feel it with my body or soul yet.

I hope you all sleep well

Ah @toomanypillows I have just posted something so similar about work. The shared understanding on this thread means so much to me. It really is helping me hold on. Please do share when you go back to work, I will try to help hold you up And, if it helps you to know, I have been watching a lot of terrible TV over this last week. I think it is important to distract ourselves, we’ll go mad otherwise. If you feel marginally less bereft whilst you are distracted by something you watch, that is your mind giving you a much needed break from the sadness. Try not to feel guilty about that, you need that break.

@Oliphanto Timely advice as I think about how to deal with my unsupportive colleagues - thank you.

@MimPimMim he’s not going to go fuzzy, just doesn’t happen. My boy died in August and I swear I can reach down and still feel him. I’m no longer sobbing at that - it’s like he left some of him and the memories are great. I can smell him. Not in a woo kind of way, it’s just imprinted, and this new scrap of a dog has not imprinted over it. He’s always there in my mind, he’s never far.

Switch up your work routine tomorrow. I got right away to a friends. Not possible now but if I were you I’d act as if everything has changed from the get go and you need to get through it. One hour, one day at a time. In august I was you and I swear you will feel better. Only dog people will get it so there’s a fair chance someone sends you an email and you think ‘oh my god I don’t care don’t you know x is gone and I’ll never see him again and I’ve lost this one thing that grounded me?!?!?’

Deep breaths, one day at a time. He’s always with you.

Thank you @toomanypillows - I’m not ready to go back really but don’t think the tolerance is there for me to take any more time. I can hopefully take it easier tomorrow and Monday at least. I will have to see how I get on, I suppose. It’s speaking to people that I’m dreading - I’m not sure how I am going to keep it together.

Wishing you some sleep and peace tonight - or at least some distractingly rubbish TV to keep you company

I’ve just found this thread
We lost our beloved boy yesterday afternoon and we are just broken.
Ben was 12 and we loved him so much. We had him from a rescue centre at 9 weeks when our youngest son was 7. He’s been at the centre of our family since and been a joy right to the end.
I don’t know how to do this but my dh and I are in pieces.
Please help 😭

Thank you @oliphanto - I am so desperately trying to hold onto everything about him. I can smell him so clearly and I find myself checking I can remember his smell several times a day. I reach down to touch him, even though I know he is not there, because the muscle memory and the desire to do so is so strong. I worry about doing anything that stops him being at the front of my mind. My DH says to think that he is always with me but occasionally, if I have to think about something else, he has gone to get a drink of water or to have a sleep in the corner of my mind. There is some comfort in that. It gives me hope to hear that your boy is still so vivid to you. It helps me to think that I won’t lose anymore of mine.

Deep breaths tomorrow will need to be my mantra, I think. I work with very closely with, and thought I had a good relationship with, the two colleagues who I told that we’d lost our boy. I’m struggling with my hurt about how dismissive they have been and how diminished they made me feel. It’s changed my perception of them and that’s hard to square. I’m not sure how much to be honest with colleagues - I don’t really want to share too much of my grief, particularly as I don’t really work with dog people, but I don’t think I can pretend everything is normal. It’s not normal. It will never again be normal as we knew it.

One hour, one day at a time tomorrow. Breathe. I
am taking so much reassurance from you - thank you for the hand hold tonight.

Oh @Benji13 I am so so sorry for your loss I know exactly how you feel, it is the most immense pain. I wish I had some healing words, I really do. There have been so many kind and comforting words of hope and support of this thread from all the lovely people who have posted. I am reading and rereading them regularly and sharing them with my DH to help him too. Would it help to share anything or talk about your boy? He sounds so lucky to have been loved so much by you all ❤️

What can I say about Ben
He was the best dog in the world - truly
The nicest sweetest gentlest boy who loved everything and everyone
We foster cats and he made them all at home with a tail wag and nudge.
He was having a great life still at 12 last august. Then 2 and a half weeks ago he was poorly the vets thought he was having a nasty flare up of pancreatitis and treated for that . We had 2 weeks of up and down in and out of vets on a drip. Some good days some bad days he was off food and losing weight. But we really thought he would come through it and was struggling as he was old. The vets wanted to double check with a special scan he was booked to have yesterday but yesterday morning he was not good very frail and his legs were giving way. We also noticed he has suddenly got even thinner. I felt sick when he went in for the scan but think I was in denial
It showed liver cancer.
We could have him home for a few weeks on steroids see how he went but god he looked so fed up and had really got the past week.
We decided to let him go snd it’s just killed us. Our boys who are grown up but still at home are devastated too. Today and yesterday feels like a nightmare and I miss him sooooooo much
I don’t know how to do this.
His smell, ears paws and his lovely smile I can’t believe I won’t see it tough my best boy again 😢

@benji13 I am so so sorry. Your boy is so beautiful and your love for him shines through.

It's just such an all consuming pain. They were here - vivid, vital and real. And then they were not and the empty space is unfillable.

This thread might help you - it's given me so much comfort to talk to people who understand. To know, as @MimPimMim has said, that this grief is real and enormous.

DH and I don't know what to do. What do you do when your best pal just isn't there?

I think I'm in a bit of a denial stage. I cannot believe that I'm taking about my baby in the last tense - that's not something that squares in my world.

He was with me all night last night - I woke up a handful of times and each time I was calmed enough to go back to sleep. I felt him.

I can't feel him this morning in the same way. I hate so much that every minute that passes is a minute further away from him.
It will soon be February and I will know that my boy never got to see any of February.

The lovely people on this thread who have gone through this, thank you for promising that we will get through this pain.

Right now it feels like a betrayal to stop thinking about him, and the thought of "being over" him is alien. If things start to feel better for me, then that means I'm further still from him. And I know logically that means at that point I will be ok with that concept, right now I want to feel every single ounce of pain because that's what is keeping him close.

I'm sending all my love to anyone who needs it.

Our little pals 💔

@Benji13 Your boy is beautiful and he is clearly so loved. You made the kindest, bravest choice for him when he needed it. The ultimate act of unconditional love. I don’t know how to do this either. I am still in shock about how suddenly it all happened. I wake up during the night and remember all over again. My skin sometimes feels like a heavy, itchy blanket and I want to climb out of it. The kind people on this thread are helping me to keep going, one tiny step at a time. I hope you managed to get a little rest last night

@toomanypillows I am glad you found some peace last night, the moments I feel my boy with me are so comforting. I emphasise so much with what you have said about the grief keeping him close. I am feeling time marching on already - I can hardly believe it has been over a week since we lost him. It seems both too real and unreal all at the same time. I still think that, perhaps, there has been mistake and that my boy will come bounding in the door, barking excitedly, tail wagging, eyes bright, straining with every inch of his body to get to me as quickly as he can. I think we are going to pick up his ashes today. My heart is breaking all over again.

@Benji13 - I am so, so sorry. What a beautiful boy he was. You made the bravest decision for him, which shows how much you loved him, but I know all too well what a horrible shock that sort of news is

Sending so much love to you all.

Thank you so much @MimPimMim @toomanypillows @spiderlight for the lovely comments and for understanding.

Another long and hard day today. The minutes are dragging by. I’ve chosen bens memorial box today and arranged to collect our boy from the pet cremation place on Monday. I’ve called dogs trust Shrewsbury where we had Ben from as a rescue pup nearly 13 years ago and told them and donated in his memory and I’ve arranged to see our vet who helped him on his way - on Monday too. I want to thank her and take all his unused meds in - which they will use on dogs in need. I also want to ask her if we did the right thing - I know we did but keep questioning myself
We only lost Ben on Wednesday and I’ve now had both mornings following it waking up crying that he’s not here and feeling we let him down. What if he didn’t want to go..
I can’t bear coming downstairs and he’s not trotting after me to pop out into the garden.In not feeding the cats with him after the cat food. Then I’m not watching breakfast telly with him next to me.

It was so hard. So sudden and it’s breaking me apart. I know he was 12 and a half but it wasn’t enough.

I feel constantly panicked, sick and anxious that we didn’t do the right thing that he could still be here. The house feels so empty
I can’t ever move his bed.it’s covered in his fur.

I don’t think I will ever feel truly happy again.
I hope to god I will see him again one day this is killing me 😭

@benji13 oh sweetheart you absolutely did the right thing. Ben would have hurt if you'd kept him for a bit longer. As it was, he was loved and happy. What a lovely lovely way to go to sleep.

You're so thoughtful thinking of other dogs who could use his meds - and what a lovely gift from Ben to them.

I understand every single word you write. My Joey went to sleep on Tuesday. He was real and vital and tangible and vibrant - and then he wasn't. My heart is shattered as is yours. The collar sounds. The breathing noise. The house is so quiet and there's a big gaping hole where all my love is supposed to go.

I'm on day 3 without him. I've cried today - I've sobbed. I've wandered round aimlessly. I've sat stroking a blanket like a mad person. But I've found minutes where I'm calm and I'm breathing OK. Of course, I instantly feel that I'm betraying my little one, but I'm not. I'm healing a bit. A tiny bit.

We will never forget the love and the peace that they are and it's OK that's it's hard. But please - you did the right thing.

I know exactly how you feel. My beloved girl was cremated and her ashes are In a flower pot with a small rose plant on our decking which really gives me comfort. The only thing that helped me turn a corner was going to the shelter and giving a badly treated dog a home. I put all my love into hiM and somehow it helped me heal and get better. I never thought I could love another dog the way I loved her but I do and rescuing a dog is so heartwarming that the day she died a light was shinning down on him !!

@MimPimMim
Some friends have told me that collecting the ashes is a really nice feeling. That he's back where he belongs and you can focus in on him again in a physical space.

I hope you're OK today

Thank you @toomanypillows - it was really hard, and desperately sad, to collect his ashes but somehow comforting at the same time. It felt like we were bringing him home. It might sound a bit mad but we took his ashes to one of his favourite parks after we had collected them so that he could have one more walk around the park with us. We stopped at all of his favourite spots and I swear I could see him happily running about. We talked about all the funny and adorable and cheeky things he did. We laughed and we cried, sometimes at the same time. Then we brought him home. It feels right to bring him home. He is currently in the spare bedroom where we are sleeping so that we can sleep in the same room as him again. He always just wanted to be with us and now we have him back. I am so sad and relieved to have him back, even though this is not how I wanted to bring him home. We will need to take some time to think about what to do with his ashes but, for now, baby steps. I am glad you have found some moments of peace today and thank you so much for thinking of me whilst you are so deep in your own grief. I appreciate it more than you know

@Benji13 What a lovely idea to use your boy’s medications for dogs in need. I can’t bear to clear out my beautiful boy’s medicines yet but I shall think about this when we are ready. I spoke upthread about speaking to my boy’s vet to answer some of my nagging questions and it was really helpful. She cared so much for him too and her reassurances were so soothing. I hope you get some peace from talking it through.

@Skyla2005 Thank you for your empathy - it is just the hardest pain. What a beautiful legacy for your girl to have left ❤️

@ilovecardigans I hope you are having a better day today

@YouHadMeAtWoof I have been thinking of you and your girl - sending you so much love and strength

Oh OP, I'm so sad to hear about your lovely boy.

We are about to go through the same thing in the coming weeks I feel. Ddog is also nearly 13 and is profoundly deaf and doubly incontinent. He's still very sprightly considering his age, but is starting to lose weight and become more confused. I want him to go before he starts to suffer any further.

@MimPimMim I am so pleased that you have your boy home again and that you are finding some comfort from having him back with you where he belongs. And how amazing to have that photo of you cuddled up together - how could you ever question that he knew how much you loved him!

@Benji13 I am so very sorry for your loss - what a beautiful boy

Sending all you kind, lovely people strength and love and dreams of your darling doggies 🥰