Dog PTS tonight - I am devastated

[MimPimMim]

My beautiful boy was PTS suddenly tonight - he had a seizure on Tuesday which the vet thought was a one off and then collapsed again with seizures tonight, which didn’t stop until he was sedated at the emergency vet. He had been diagnosed with cancer six weeks ago but the vet thought he had a good number of months to go. It has all happened really suddenly - I was cuddling him at 10, he collapsed at 10.30 and was gone by 11.45. My poor husband had to take him to the emergency vet with my boy having seizures in the car - I couldn’t go as we have a toddler and someone needed to stay with her. My heart is broken and breaking for him - he was nearly 13 and we have had him since he was a puppy. I can’t believe he is gone and I can’t believe I couldn’t be with him at the end. I am thankful my husband could (especially as we are in lockdown) but i just hope he knew how much I love him too. I miss him already and can’t believe he has gone. I don’t really know why I am posting this, I supposed I am in shock and just so sad. How can he not be here anymore? My heart feels broken - I know we made the kindest decision for him but I just can’t believe this has happened.

Thank you so much @Benji13 - your kind words really help, it means a lot to know that people understand how I feel. I miss my boy so much. I don’t think I’ve really accepted it yet, it just seems so wrong. I keep hoping I’ll wake up in the morning and it will all have been a nightmare. The mornings are awful when I realise. I think people seem to assume that our dogs are ‘just’ dogs but he is family. Our family is missing someone we love so much. The support on here has helped me to realise that how I feel is absolutely normal and there is no right or wrong way to be doing this. It’s just tough to have to put on a happy face when I’m not.

I’m glad you have had support from your work, I hope that is making a bit of difference in helping you cope day to day - especially when your work is stressful anyway. It makes such a difference when people validate how you feel. Apart from a couple of kind people in my wider organisation, my other colleagues haven’t asked even once how I am. It’s hard to keep smiling. Especially when there are so many other work pressures on. I agree that my employers seem to think they have people over a barrel at the moment, it’s a really unfair way to treat people - I feel for your DS

Thinking of you today and hope you are managing ok. I spent the two week mark thinking back to all the things I would have done differently if I’d known. This really is a long, hard road. I miss my boy too, sending you a hug today 💔

Hello everyone.
I've not been here for a few days - I took a sort of digital detox. Nice to read the conversations that have been happening - and the whole paw prints discussion was just exactly what I said to DH yesterday. No paw prints in the snow.
Though it's been two weeks and a day since we lost J, and just before he got ill there was snow and I took photos of his little prints in the garden, so I've been having a look at those.

I've struggled the last couple of days. We collected his ashes on Friday and that was hard, although I am beyond glad he's back here with us. Though I just hate the idea of that vital, warm little body being in a box.

It's odd - last week I felt myself distancing. I couldn't see or hear him clearly and it really upset me. But the last few days I've been able to do it again. I can see his little face and when I close my eyes I can feel him again. I was so worried that I would lose that - and I'm dreaming about him too. I dearly want to keep doing that.

The house is so quiet and though I said I would go on "our walks" still - I haven't really. I feel like an imposter when I just wander around by myself. I want to hear his harness jangling and the pattering of his feet on the floor.

I hope you're all doing OK. @benji13 I know it's two weeks for you today (it was two weeks for us yesterday) and I hope you're OK. I had a moment where I realised I'm now into my third week without him, and this is the closest I will ever be forever going forward.

How can they have been here and now they're not? My heart cannot reconcile it.

@MimPimMim I hope that you are able to cope with work. It's so tricky wfh where they used to be - I feel as though it makes everything more challenging. I've lost count of the times I used to just stroke him or cuddle him, or get up to let him out or feed him. My days have expanded and there's nothing to fill them. You need to look after you. I hope you're able to balance that with the needs of performative working (ugh)

Love to you all.

Your post took my breath away.

I am sorry from the bottom of my heart. Many of us know exactly how you are feeling, if that helps in anyway.

These are just words and it won't bring your boy back but I mean them.

In whatever time (days, weeks, months, years) you will be able to make sense of what's happened. You will no longer feel pain, confusion, guilt and all the other stuff. I promise you that.

@toomanypillows - I’ve been thinking of you, I’m sorry that you have had a hard couple of days. They are all varying degrees of hard, really. I feel exactly the same - every day feels like another day further away from my beautiful boy. It’s three weeks tomorrow and I still can’t believe it. His ashes are in our bedroom and, like you, it gives me comfort to know that he is at home with us where he belongs but I can’t believe that is him now. I miss him so much - warm, soft, wriggly, cuddly, constant.

Thank you for your kind words about work. I’m really struggling with it. I’m feeling really fragile at the moment and there’s just no support at all. I’m trying to take on less and be kind to myself but it’s a culture of more, more, more. I don’t think I have any more to give.

I’m glad you are dreaming of your boy - I have dreamt of mine three times since we lost him and each time it is like he comes back to me a little bit. Each time I write to him, I ask him to visit me in my dreams again and stay awhile longer. I am so desperate to see him. My heart keeps breaking time and time again.

I am thinking of you and sending you strength, keep going as best as you can

@MirandaMarple Thank you so much for the support and kind words, it means so much to know that people understand. You are absolutely right that I can’t make sense of it - one minute he was here and then, so suddenly and traumatically (for us), gone. He had cancer but I never really believed that we would lose him. I convinced myself that he would beat the considerable odds stacked against him. Even in the worst case scenario from the vet, he wasn’t supposed to be gone. He was supposed to still be here. He should be here. But he’s not and I don’t know what to do. I feel so sad for us and for him. It’s like I am looking for him but I can’t find him. I am holding onto the words of comfort in this thread to give me hope. Thank you ❤️

It’s 1.35 and I’m lying here wondering if I will ever get used to living without my girl 😔

Oh @curlymom - I know exactly how you feel, I was doing the same thing at the same time. My boy would have been snuggled up next to me and I can’t bear him not being here. I keep thinking that it will get easier to get used to but it hasn’t. Hope you managed to get some rest in the end and that you are holding up ok today. Sending you a handhold

Thanks I’m tired but my new project has been looking for a new dog and that helps a bit. My husband thinks it’s too soon but I’m window shopping. I just feel that my baby would rather I was helping a fellow terrier and not crying all day 😞

I’m glad it’s helping you to think about opening your heart and home to another dog curlymom - we’re not ready but I completely understand missing having a doggy presence around the house. Dogs add a certain joy and a house feels empty without them. And a lovely legacy for your girl to leave if you are able to help another dog who needs a home ❤️

@curlymom

Dont worry about what you should be doing - focus on what's going to help you.
When we lose our little pals, we miss them personally - their traits, there personality, their little bodies. We miss THEM.
But we also miss the lifestyle and the presence of having them. We miss the other things about being a dog parent that wasn't just unique to them. So it's ok to plan for a new dog - that won't stop you from missing your little one in their personal way, but it will fill the gaps left in the lifestyle. That's OK.

It's like when a relationship ends I think, and it wasn't your choice. So you miss that person and everything about them - but you also miss being in a relationship, and that's what helps you move on to a new one.

The difference with dogs of course is that they don't choose to leave us, and so the love remains. But I think the concept is firm. If you're ready and you need that part again, then do it. And you're right - none of our little buddies would want us to stay sad.

❤️

Their * 🙄

[quote toomanypillows]@curlymom

Dont worry about what you should be doing - focus on what's going to help you.
When we lose our little pals, we miss them personally - their traits, there personality, their little bodies. We miss THEM.
But we also miss the lifestyle and the presence of having them. We miss the other things about being a dog parent that wasn't just unique to them. So it's ok to plan for a new dog - that won't stop you from missing your little one in their personal way, but it will fill the gaps left in the lifestyle. That's OK.

It's like when a relationship ends I think, and it wasn't your choice. So you miss that person and everything about them - but you also miss being in a relationship, and that's what helps you move on to a new one.

The difference with dogs of course is that they don't choose to leave us, and so the love remains. But I think the concept is firm. If you're ready and you need that part again, then do it. And you're right - none of our little buddies would want us to stay sad.

❤️[/quote]
Thanks that’s all true. Last night was tough. I lost something and searching in an old box of bits and bobs and found my old iPhone 5. Lots of pictures of us back in the day. Made me laugh for a while. She used to sit on my mums spot on the sofa when my mum went to the loo. They had a few arguments. Lots of smug pics. She was one in a million x

Lovely memory @curlymom

I'm having a toughy today. It was three weeks ago today that I took him out for a walk on what would turn out to be the very last time.

My heart aches to take him out again. To wash his muddy paws and to snuggle up with him on the sofa.

I simply cannot believe he's gone. I thought I was getting there, but it might be getting harder with each minute that takes me away from all of our "last times"

I need him today. He was the thing that always stopped any sadness. And now I'm sadder than ever, I have nothing left.

@toomanypillows I am sending you strength today, I completely understand. I’m also having a tough day. I don’t know how to stop having tough days. I can’t stop crying today and, like you, my boy was always there for a cuddle when I needed him. Now he’s not here and I don’t know how to stop being so sad.

I saw him really clearly out of the corner of my eye this morning, snuggled up asleep in his bed - my heart skipped a bit because he was so present. I wrote to him last night that I wanted to wake up today and for it all to have been a mistake. For a second, I thought that had happened before I realised all over again. My heart broke again at that point. It keeps on breaking.

It’s so hard to think of all the last times and to feel time moving further away from them. I keep thinking that I ought to be feeling better by now but I’m not. We lost my wonderful boy 22 days ago and I can’t believe I have been without him that long. I realised this morning that his smell on his blankets and toys is fading. I still remember his smell so clearly but being able to smell him on things helped me to grasp onto his physical presence too. I feel like I’m losing that part of him now too and I can’t bear to lose anything else. My heart is broken and I’m exhausted.

Please keep talking here if that helps, I’m listening. It helps me to know that people understand and that I’m not going mad. Sending you a big hug today

@curlymom toomanypillows articulated it beautifully about how you can miss your dog but trying to get some solace from trying to think about how to fill the gap in your lifestyle. I have been feeling terribly guilty for feeling sad that it will likely be a long time until we can have another dog when I don’t really want another dog, I want my boy back. I couldn’t quite reconcile those two things but pillows puts it perfectly. If it is healing to think about helping another dog then don’t feel guilty, you are doing what you need to do to keep moving forwards.

I’m sorry that you had a tough night last night, thinking of you today. The good memories make me both laugh and cry. I hope one day I laugh more than I cry. My boy was a fellow seat stealer with a smug look too! He had such a character and it sounds like your girl did too. I hope today has been better I’m listening if it helps to talk it through ❤️

Hello freinds
I’ve just read your thoughts over the past few days and it all resonates.
@toomanypillows your words are spot on - we miss Ben so so much but also we feel like dog owners without a dog he leaves a huge gap in the fabric of our lives. I worry terribly though about ever ever finding a dog who can compare even a bit. I suppose that’s time.

The days are marching on and like you all every day is another bit further on from our boy. To think today 5 weeks ago all was well - or so we thought 😢

Last night I very briefly saw Ben in my dreams ( which I haven’t yet before) and I woke up and could smell him so clearly for quite a time. God I have missed that smell. His bed where his nose lay has a mark in it and that still smells of him but I know that will go in time. His bed is still down the side of our bed and there it will stay. Our oap cat who is nearly 17 has taken ownership during the day which is comforting - Alfie loved Ben. This is them together.

Every me and dh cry and yet slowly life is plodding on normally. We are going to work on a photo book of him and both my mum and mum in law have asked for framed photos of him for Mother’s Day - which makes me cry.

I’d do anything right now to be holding him. It’s a kind of panic that sweeps over me that I won’t see him again. Like you @MimPimMim I panic that I’m losing his essence already. This is so hard - why had we never allowed ourselves to go to this place - we knew as they got older that it was on its way.

So sorry

Benji I know I did. But I think your mind flinches away. And you have no idea, until it happens, how devastating it is. I was so shocked at the force of my grief and I speak as someone who has lost a parent, so no stranger to loss.

@Benji13 What beautiful pictures of Ben and Alfie together, they look like they were such great friends. I hope Alfie is getting on ok without him and I am glad that it is giving you some comfort to see Alfie in Ben’s bed. My boy’s bed still has his blankets and toys in it, we can’t bear to move it yet. A few times I have so vividly seen him in his bed, curled up and sound asleep, that I have had to do a double take. Then suddenly he’s gone and I realise he’s not here anymore. I like to think that he is popping in to keep an eye on me because he knows that I need him. That I’m struggling without him and that I’m desperate to see him. The panic you feel completely resonates with me, I feel it too. I swing between feeling this awful empty sadness and being in a complete state of panic that this is it now. My heart races and I feel like I can’t breathe. It’s like I’m looking for him and I’m trying everything to find him but nothing is working. I don’t know how to stop everyday being so hard. Will it always be like this? I don’t think I can bear it.

I’m thinking of you and sending you strength. The photo book sounds like a lovely idea, we are going to do something similar and choose some pictures for around the house. My mum brought over a framed picture of her favourite photo of my boy and looking at it brings back such lovely memories. I hope tomorrow is a better day for you

@Whichname98 Thank you, I appreciate your kind words. It means so much to know that people understand ❤️

pinkhouses It really does help to know that other people understand how devastating this is, although I am so sorry for all the losses that other people have had. I never really let myself think about being without my wonderful boy. Even when he was diagnosed with a really aggressive cancer, I believed that he would beat the odds - that he would be the exception to the rule. He had such fighting spirit and I thought that would see him through. But now he’s gone and it’s so hard. I’m scared of how sad I feel. I’ve lost beloved family members before but the depth of my grief for my boy has really shocked me. It shouldn’t really be a surprise, given how much we love him, but it is. I’m trying to put one foot in front of the other but it is hard. Really hard. I am sorry to hear about your parent, loss and grief are the most awful of things

@MimPimMim
I know what you mean about it hitting you. I never allowed myself to think about Joey passing - not really. His breed have an expectancy of 13 years, and he was almost 15, and I think I just thought he was invincible. And that I'd get a few more years out of him.

I think our brains block that sad truth to protect us - I know whenever I started to consider a life without him, something would stop me from going there. So when he died, even though he really did have an amazingly long life, I still wasn't ready.

I am finding that I randomly burst into tears even when I'm not directly thinking about him.

I also thought today that ordinarily if there's a nagging "not right" feeling (like I feel ALL the time at the moment) like an interview or an exam or being in trouble at work, or whatever - normally you can project beyond it to defend yourself. You can get through it because you know it will be dealt with and you can move on. Whatever it is won't be forever.

With this, there's no fixing it. There's no moving on. Life will never have J in it again and that's that. So the nagging feeling never leaves because there's no cure.

I hope you're all OK. The last few days I feel like I've regressed a bit. Just an eternal sadness where I can't imagine feeling better. But there are pockets of happiness too - spending time with DS and prepping for an interview next week.

Whilst I still feel like life isn't in colour and I'm wading in treacle, just every now and then I feel a bit more normal. That's giving me hope that one day I'll be OK.

So much love and light to you all xx

That’s exactly it @toomanypillows - even in the better moments with my DD (who is a joy and the reason I haven’t largely taken to my bed), it constantly feels like there is something not right. I walk around with this constant sense of there being something vital missing and, of course, there is - my beautiful boy. And I can’t fix it or make it better or see beyond it because there is no beyond it where he is with us again. This is it now and it makes me sad, all the time. I realised yesterday I was giving my toddler lunch and tears were just streaming down my face. It’s too much to hold it all in. I have had awful dreams the last couple of nights about the night we lost him and it just feels like there is no respite. I’m hoping that the thoughts of the last bit fade in time, as I seem to constantly find something new to relive over and over again in my mind.

I’m glad you are feeling hopeful that things will feel better one day - I’m trying really hard to believe that too, it just seems so out of reach at the moment. And I hope you’ve had a better day today, keep going

Thinking of everyone missing their beloved dogs this weekend ❤️

Hello
Gosh I’m having a tough day today. I miss our boy so much. I’ve just tidied out his cupboard in the utility- tidied his coats and all his old collars ( I’ve never thrown any away from his tiny puppy collars) his leads, towels even his thunder shirt from when he was terrified of fireworks. His bowls are in there too. All tidy now. His toys are still piled up in the lounge at the side of the sideboard I can’t see how I can ever move these things. They aren’t in the way so I won’t.

We are sorting out the photos still - some are videos off our phones of him racing in and out of the sea on his hols. Such a zest for life. I keep telling myself Bens legacy is to get me ( suffer from anxiety) to be more dog and to be in the moment.

This is so very very hard. I hope everyone else is ok today and finding some peace.

@Benji13 you don't have to part with any of his things. There are no rules.

I'm listening to R2 Paul O'Grady right this minute and he's doing his tributes to lost companions. Bloody hell.

He's playing a song 'I'd Rather Leave While I'm in Love'

Sorry I haven't posted for a while. I typed several posts yesterday, but deleted them as I wasn't in a good place. I had a full on sobbing session out of the blue which knocked me sideways.

I thought I was coping quite well, but I seem to have gone backwards in recent days. I can't bear being without her. It's utter desolation.

benji I also can’t bear to move any of my boy’s things yet - I need some physical reminders of his presence. I miss him so much and I can’t bear for the house to be empty of him. His cupboard is still full of his things, his bed and blankets are how he left them, his toy basket remains in place, his harness and lead are in his basket in the hall, his water bowl is still there. His collar is under my pillow so that he is still in bed with us. Sometimes his collar will move and his name tag will jangle unexpectedly. For a second, it is like I am hearing him again - his collar jangling as he would do his morning stretch. It is a bittersweet sound now, familiar and heartbreaking all at the same time. Wishing you some peace tonight and sending you strength and hugs. It is just agony, isn’t it

mirandamarple I don’t know that song but the message in the title is comforting. One small blessing of my boy going so suddenly was that he was always himself. He never turned into a shadow of himself and we did the best we could to enjoy him without any shadow of what was to come hanging over us. This time a month ago, we had one week left. I would have done so much differently had I known - I would have treasured every last moment and given him the special last days, filled with his favourite things, that we thought we’d get. And I think how suddenly he went, and the fact that I didn’t get to say goodbye to him, is going to haunt me for a long time. But I do hope that means that by the time we were frightened that he didn’t know what was going on and won’t have picked up on it. I hope all he ever knew was love and safety and being adored, which he absolutely was. He always will be.

Oh cardigans - I know just how you feel. I wish I had some healing words for you. Everyday, I keep hoping that I’ll wake up and feel more myself again but it doesn’t happen. I’m having trouble sleeping and, when I do, have been having awful dreams then I wake up and it starts all over again. I had it in my mind that after a few weeks I’d be feeling a bit better but three weeks has come and gone and I am still devastated. I’m dreading work tomorrow. All my emotional reserves are gone and I can’t face another week of putting on a happy face. One foot forward at a time, I suppose. Whilst I wish we weren’t all hurting so much, it does help to know that others understand how I feel. It makes me feel less alone. Sending you a massive hug and thinking of you - I hope you get some peace and rest tonight. Please talk, if it helps - I’m listening ❤️

Thinking of you all. It is just awful.