Dog PTS tonight - I am devastated

[MimPimMim]

My beautiful boy was PTS suddenly tonight - he had a seizure on Tuesday which the vet thought was a one off and then collapsed again with seizures tonight, which didn’t stop until he was sedated at the emergency vet. He had been diagnosed with cancer six weeks ago but the vet thought he had a good number of months to go. It has all happened really suddenly - I was cuddling him at 10, he collapsed at 10.30 and was gone by 11.45. My poor husband had to take him to the emergency vet with my boy having seizures in the car - I couldn’t go as we have a toddler and someone needed to stay with her. My heart is broken and breaking for him - he was nearly 13 and we have had him since he was a puppy. I can’t believe he is gone and I can’t believe I couldn’t be with him at the end. I am thankful my husband could (especially as we are in lockdown) but i just hope he knew how much I love him too. I miss him already and can’t believe he has gone. I don’t really know why I am posting this, I supposed I am in shock and just so sad. How can he not be here anymore? My heart feels broken - I know we made the kindest decision for him but I just can’t believe this has happened.

That video is gorgeous!!

Thanks, spider. I think I've watched it at least 5 times today already!

I love WeRateDogs.

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We have his ashes.
He's home with us where he belongs. It's all he ever wanted - to be with us. ❤️

cardigans Thank you - a bit of dog magic makes the world a much better place 💕 Hope you are having a better day today.

pillows I’m so glad you were able to bring him home today, back where he belongs. I hope that gives you a little bit of peace and solace tonight

My phone randomly created a video of my boy today, using pictures from 2020. It took me by surprise to see the video pop up on my phone and I was worried that it would make me sadder. But I so wanted to see him that I watched it and, actually, I just marvelled at how wonderful he was. My heart felt so full of him and it felt good to smile at happy memories, little moments captured that we had already forgotten. We really are so lucky to have had him, he is in my heart forever ❤️

I'm getting there, Mim, thanks. I had a really nice evening with my husband last night - we talked a lot about Roxy, looked at old pictures and videos and got fairly pixellated (it's his day off today), but it was happy/funny memories. Have felt quite calm and peaceful today (amazingly not hungover!). We were so, so lucky to have these wonderful dogs in our lives...

Thinking of you pillows. x

Much love to you all. 💕🐾

@toomanypillows

We have his ashes. He's home with us where he belongs. It's all he ever wanted - to be with us. ❤️

So glad he’s home with you. I hope that brings you some comfort x

cardigans I’m glad, I really hope the peace stays with you and that you can keep finding comfort in the good memories ❤️

Wishing peace and rest to all of us who are missing our beloved dogs this weekend

Thank you Mim. How lovely of you to think of others in your grief. I remember reading about a poster on here who said she heard her cat come up the stairs the nights after he died. She heard him, and so did her other cats who turned their heads to look at the door as if they were waiting for him to come in.

 That always gives me the greatest comfort to think he’s there but we just can’t see him.

pinkhouses Thank you - that is a comforting thought. I see my boy often out of the corner of my eye and I like to think that he is still here keeping an eye on me. I miss him so much and it helps to think that he might know that I need reminding that he is still with me. My grief has really knocked me for six and I appreciate the hope and support so much. Thank you ❤️

Morning lovely people

I hope you are all as ok as you can be.
We are plodding on and on. I suppose for us 11 days on now the shock has gone and we are slowly adjusting to life without our boy. I still cry and cry if I think about the end but dh keeps telling me to focus on his 12 wonderful years with us. I’d do anything for him to be here I miss him so so bloody much. My poor boy.

We are still walking but without Ben it feels like a limb is missing. I’ve wondered about contacting the greyhound rescue kennels which is close to where we live to ask if they need any dog walkers.

@toomanypillows I hope you feel some comfort now at home with your boy back.

@MimPimMim I also hope Ben is here with us and speak to him all the time. I hope you are ticking over ok.

Another day to trudge through. I am going to bake a fruit cake today and then visit my mum for a walk. This lockdown has made our losses so so much harder - I need distractions and people and hugs so much.

Benji the chasm is huge. Despite my dh ( who if anything, was the most bereft) saying no no more pets, we took on a rescue very quickly as the house was so empty. And we thought, foolishly, that it would ease the pain.
But he wasn’t ours and each of us silently compared. Although now of course he is beyond adored. It just took a while- though of course he never knew.

 So what I am trying to say is the Rescue Walking sounds a brilliant idea. I have thought of fostering too when the time comes.

Ahhh @pinkhousesarebest you are a rescue buddy. We are very rescue driven - Ben was a rescue pup and our cats are. We foster for a cat rescue from time to time but have never fostered dogs and have spoken about this lately. Trouble is we are not good at fostering we have failed 3 times with foster cats and here they stayed 😂

No dog will ever beat Ben because he really was perfect 😍 he loved everything and everyone ( except squirrels!) He also I now see came at a golden time in our lives - he saw our 2 boys grow up and experienced all the fun involved in that and was also a great companion for my mum and dad while I was at work - he got them out and about and they loved him too. They are now in their 80s and it broke my heart when my mum said - we desperately hoped we wouldnt have to see this happen we hoped we would be gone. So bloody sad.

Oh they spread their roots all through the fabric of family life and so much is impacted afterwards. And so many of us get a pup when the dcs are young. It’s like the end of so much.

Thank you @Benji13 - I am having a tough day today. My heart and my mind are so full of my boy but I miss his physical presence so much. I keep thinking about how I would kiss the top of his soft head and he would tilt his chin up towards me. In my mind’s eye, I can feel it exactly and I can’t believe that I’ll never get to do it again. I know exactly how you feel - I would give so much to have him back with us. And I agree that the lockdown is making this so much harder. Nothing new or see to do, no distractions. The same old routine in some ways but missing all the bits with him. I keep filling up his water bowl as I can’t bear to have done that for the last time. I’m not sure if that’s helping or hurting me. Probably both. The greyhound rescue kennels sound like a lovely idea - those dogs would be lucky to have some of your love. Hope you are managing ok today, sending you strength

pinkhouses It really is chasm. The hole in our lives is huge. Every so often my toddler walks up to my boy’s bed and asks where he is. It breaks my heart. I can understand why you took on another dog so quickly (and how lucky he is that you did), a house feels a certain kind of empty without a dog. We are nowhere near ready yet but I hope one day we are ready to have another dog in our lives. It is a complicated kind of sadness for me that I think it will be a long time until we can have another dog (as we have a toddler and would like another baby before too long), which breaks my heart in a different kind of way. For now though, we are just trying to adjust to life without my boy. I dreamed about him again last night, he was standing by the bottom of the stairs and looking up, like he was waiting for us. I think I’m still waiting for him and it hurts to realise that he is not coming back. I hope this all gets easier with time.

It does get easier. I always think of that bit in We’re going on a Bearhunt. You can’t go over it, you can’t go round it, you have to go through it. There’s no shortcut, you are grieving the way you should.

Thank you pinkhouses - I read bear hunt to my little one a lot and always tell her at the scary bits that the children are being really brave to just keep going! The size of my grief is honestly scaring me a bit but I shall think of that - it’s ok to be scared, I just need to be brave and keep going. Thank you ❤️

@MimPimMim thinking of you. We are now coming up to 2 weeks on Wednesday, just behind you. I guess we are getting used to our lad not being here but my god it’s hard.

I’ve worked today and had to move into the dining kitchen as the lounge where I had been working on a little desk is so empty without Ben. I’ve just finished a packet of crisps and automatically put the packet on the floor for Ben to take - he loved to have them, it breaks my heart. Oh I miss my boy.
Sending you a big hug and remembering our gorgeous friends 💔

Just checking in on you today. My dh came in from work all red eyed as he had stopped to say a few words at our boy’s grave.. three years later. It’s the waste, the unnecessary- ness of it all.Having to go through it when there are so many things we could be doing.
Sending much love xx

@Benji13 - the rescue kennels would be delighted to have another walker, I bet. You could also look at the Cinnamon Trust to see whether there are any elderly people nearby who need dog walkers. I even looked at Borrow my Doggy when we lost Archie because I missed having a dog to walk so much. We ended up adopting Eddie after three months - my friend was fostering him for a rescue but he was being a massive pain with her cats so she put a photo of him on FB with a comment saying she hoped someone would want him soon and that was that! He'll never be the same as Archie but we love him just as much, in a completely different way.

Sending you all a big hug

Just popping on to offer kind thoughts and virtual support to anyone who needs it.

It has snowed overnight and the garden is covered in a pristine blanket of white. No pawprints. This seems so wrong. My heart still hurts... 💔🐾

Thank you @benji13 - I have been thinking of you too and hoping that you are managing ok It really is so hard. I do the same thing and go to automatically do things that I would have done for my boy and then realise I don’t have to do them anymore. It breaks my heart every time. Do you mind if I ask how you are finding work? I’m really struggling to keep a brave face on it - work has been difficult for a number of reasons over the last few months and there is a real emphasis on being social and fun (despite wfh). I don’t feel very fun at the moment (or feel very supported in that) and it is making it really hard. I feel exhausted all the time and work is making it worse. It’s hard to put on my happy face at the moment.
Sending you a big hug too and wishing you a better day today.

Thanks @pinkhousesarebest - I really appreciate it. I’m finding it really tough at the moment and am just trying to hold onto all the lovely words on this thread that it will get better. It isn’t helped by the fact that people largely seem to think that I be ‘over it’ by now. I’m really not. Thinking of your DH has made me tear up, it just goes to show how much our precious dogs become and remain part of our families. My DH is finding it all harder to accept than he will really admit, I think. He was quite upset last night and we’re both finding the house so empty at the moment. Despite a noisy toddler running around! My boy was always such a comforting, constant presence. My heart and mind is still so full of him but he’s not there when I look for him. It’s hard to reconcile those things together.

@spiderlight Thank you - hugs gratefully received ❤️

cardigans Cross posted with you but I have been thinking of you and hoping you are ok. Sending you a big hug - my heart feels heavy too. I have also been thinking about the snow and recalling all the many walks I talk my boy when it has snowed in previous years, watching his little paw prints appear across the snow and seeing little snow crystals in his beard. It seems so wrong that he is not here for it this year. I miss the paw prints in the snow. I miss him warming up with him inside. I miss it all. Thank you for the support - it means a lot ❤️

Thanks Mim. I miss it all too. I've kind of resigned myself to life as it is now, but I just feel so sad and empty.

It must be very hard having to put on a face for work. I can just about manage it if I bump into someone I know when I'm out for a walk, but that's just for brief moments, so I do feel for you. x

Thanks cardigans - I’m not doing a very good job of it to be honest. I have a new manager very soon and there is a lot of pressure to perform. I’m just emotionally depleted and finding it all a struggle. Finding it hard to work up the energy and enthusiasm for much at the moment. Still not sleeping well either, so that doesn’t help. It’s hard.
I wish I had some healing words for you but here to offer virtual support too, if that helps at all

@MimPimMim so sorry you are struggling with work. That’s so hard for you at the moment. My workplace have been supportive. I’m lucky to have a dog loving line manager who gets it plus a few lovely colleagues who have much loved fur babies. I ended up taking last week off as I just couldn’t face work. This week working has helped to a degree, although I’m working on covid work which is very stressful in itself and has created a lot of personal anxiety - but that’s a whole other story. 😞 It feels like a lot of employers are being wholly unsupportive in the current climate and know staff have nowhere else to go in the job market at the moment. My eldest ds is a graphic designer and is being worked to the bone atm they are perfectly aware there are no jobs out there.

You just keep plugging on but do make sure you stand firm, stand your ground and assert yourself when you need to. I truly believe our bereavement is as painful as a person and in fact 2 people have shared with me this week that they cried more when they lost beloved dogs than they did for their own dads. So be kind to yourself. I got upset twice today - once on a call with a much younger colleague who was so lovely about Ben then again tonight when talking with dh who I fear i am holding back from healing.

As we keep saying it’s a long road and it’s just 2 weeks tomorrow since we lost Ben. No time at all. God I miss him so much.

@spiderlight thank you for sharing how Eddie helped you. I truly hope we can be brave enough to consider helping another dog eventually.
@ilovecardigans I feel your pain. Our snow had little paws prints without bens being there as little madam Willow ( cat number 3) was in and out all blooming day - living her best life. But no big paw prints - in his younger years he loved the snow. Many happy memories from then.

@pinkhousesarebest a big hug to you and your dh too 🤗