Dog PTS tonight - I am devastated

[MimPimMim]

My beautiful boy was PTS suddenly tonight - he had a seizure on Tuesday which the vet thought was a one off and then collapsed again with seizures tonight, which didn’t stop until he was sedated at the emergency vet. He had been diagnosed with cancer six weeks ago but the vet thought he had a good number of months to go. It has all happened really suddenly - I was cuddling him at 10, he collapsed at 10.30 and was gone by 11.45. My poor husband had to take him to the emergency vet with my boy having seizures in the car - I couldn’t go as we have a toddler and someone needed to stay with her. My heart is broken and breaking for him - he was nearly 13 and we have had him since he was a puppy. I can’t believe he is gone and I can’t believe I couldn’t be with him at the end. I am thankful my husband could (especially as we are in lockdown) but i just hope he knew how much I love him too. I miss him already and can’t believe he has gone. I don’t really know why I am posting this, I supposed I am in shock and just so sad. How can he not be here anymore? My heart feels broken - I know we made the kindest decision for him but I just can’t believe this has happened.

Thank you @stockpilingallthecheese - I really appreciate it. It really helps to have support from people who recognise that my boy was - and is - a much loved member of our family. So many people don’t understand that. I’m so sorry to hear about your dog, I could never bring myself to think about life beyond my boy either - it just seemed so unfathomable that I could never really bring myself to believe it. I hope you have many days of joy left together and can savour every precious moment. I’m thinking of you and your boy

Hello friends

I’m sorry I haven’t been around for a couple of days I’ve just felt exhausted. Not tired but exhausted like a little old lady.

It’s one week today that we lost Ben. I think we were in the vets now and he passed at about 5.45. We went a last walk in his park before and my goodness he was frail. He had a nice little toddle and even pulled to go to the park cafe ( closed ) where we had many a happy coffee. Our 2 big boy men came sat on a bench and sobbed saying goodbye it was bloody heartbreaking.
My dh took some photos which we can’t look at.

Oh Ben this is so so hard. This week has been like ploughing through fog. I am sleeping but don’t feel rested at all.

Last night we were in bed and both heard the bedroom door pushed open. I put the lamp in and the door was still pushed to. I like to think Ben was coming in to settle down. In the night I swear I heard him panting on his bed. Is this all wishful thinking or is he around - I like to think he is ❤️

I’m just exhausted. Tomorrow I have a hospital appointment ( gyne menopause issues) and am dreading it. My poor head just has no space for anything else.

Your beautiful words about your freinds resonate so much. @MimPimMim and @stockpilingallthecheese I too knew this day would come but just couldn’t best to think about it. It was tucked away. Cheese I will be thinking about you just make sure you tell your dog what a joy they have been and give them all the love and cuddles. Like @MimPimMim I wish we knew it was going to be that day. I would have done and said so much more. I would have slept with him holding him all night. I regret so so much. All those precious times when I was too busy to play when he bought a toy - wasted.

Sending so much love and strength to you all

@toomanypillows what you say about wfh is spot on. I have been wfh since last March and actually that’s one benefit for Ben - he had me here for nearly a year all to himself. Prior to that my mum and dad had him for my working days do really they lost out.
But the whole time I’ve been wfh bens been here-by my side, we’ve sometimes had a lunchtime walk and play. If I was in the office now people would be around and id be in a place Ben never had.
This whole situation makes it so much harder for those of us grieving our furry friends.

@Wishihadanalgorithm your words about giving done of your years to your dog are so right. That’s just what I had thought. If Only I could have given him 10 of mine. Ben was 12 and a half but because he was a mixed beer - collie mum and goodness knows what dad - staffy, German shepherd? We thought we’d get another couple of years. Perhaps we would have done if the vile cancer hadn’t arrived. It seems so unfair.

@Affectation I’m so sorry to hear about your girl 😞 she sounds lovely. Ben was a collie cross. I’d love to see a picture of her if you are happy to share one. Ben was getting that distant look in his eyes over the 2 weeks before he passed looking like he was done - totally and removing himself mentally I think from time to time. Then other days like your girl he was still full of life jumping on the bed. I’m sending strength to you and your girl ❤️

Thank you @ilovecardigans for the suggested meditation I will try that and hope it brings some peace.

@welliguessitwouldbenice thank you got helping your ddog what a very special person you truly are, sending you love 💕

Oh people this thread is my support through all this. I’ve talked and talked to friends but think I might be driving them mad now. I can’t keep crying to my mum either who is drowning in her own grief for my boy as well as dealing with my poor dad’s confusion.

Wouldn’t it be lovely if we were crying and taking together in a pub somewhere with drinks and could hold each other.

To all who are going through bereavement I am sending you massive unmumsnetty hugs. Our pets are such a big part of our families and hearts that we can’t be expected to ‘get over’ the loss in a short time. My goodness I still shed a tear over my old TobyDog who was PTS more than 30 years ago!

Imagine if we were all in a pubs drinking and crying over photos of our beloved dogs? It’s an image which has made me smile.

What this thread has shown is how very loved our dogs were.

One piece of comfort I can pass on (hopefully) is from when I found out my ddog had cancer. It was the same day that a man with “locked in syndrome” had been denied euthanasia by the courts. I remember looking at the front page of the newspaper with this poor man who was going to suffer a serious decline and die. I looked at ddog and just thought how he was saved the suffering this poor man was going to have to experience.

We have been able to ensure our beloved dogs haven’t suffered at the end and they have been treated with more compassion that what many people experience.

I hope this little thought of mine helps.

Ah @Benji13 - I understand completely, I’m little old lady levels of tired too. My husband is working late this evening and my little one is asleep so I’ve gone and got into bed. Can’t sleep these days but too exhausted to do anything else. I also can’t bear to go downstairs as I would always give my boy an extra long fuss in the evenings after the work day was over and my little one was in bed. This is my first night on my own without him here. I’m not really sure what I’m supposed to do with myself.

I have just reached the absolute limit on headspace. Work is really stressful at the moment and there’s an ongoing situation where I need to negotiate and advocate for myself. I have run out of energy and just wish my work would take it easy on me. I feel like I am being kicked from all sides at the moment. I wish I could just stop the world for a minute and get off. I need a pause.

I’m sorry to hear about your dad too - that must be really hard on all of you

I’m imagining this thread as a sort of virtual pub of sorts now - what a lovely image 💕

@Wishihadanalgorithm Thank you - I will gladly take the very unmumsnetty hug! The support on here means so much. It really does give me comfort to think that Toby is still a part of you all these years on. What a beautiful thought.

And a wonderful piece of advice too, very sobering and makes me think about how lucky we really are to even be able to make the kindest, hardest choice for our dogs. That poor man. We lost my boy completely unexpectedly - his vet thinks that the cancer has spread to his brain. I have done the questioning we all do about whether we made the right choice and his vet said that, in my boy’s case, it would actively have been the wrong choice not to do it. The damage that going into seizures and not coming out of them would have done to his brain and his body would have been catastrophic. It doesn’t really bear thinking about what the consequences would have been. One small mercy is that, right up until he collapsed, he was always himself. It would have been wrong to have taken that away from him to try to keep him a bit longer. I am really struggling with not being there at the end, for my own sake, but I know we did what needed to be done for my boy’s sake. The vet thinks even taking 10 minutes longer to get him to the emergency vet would have been 10 minutes too long. There is comfort in knowing that we put him first, regardless of how much our hearts were breaking. Thank you.

There is so much love on this thread, how lucky we all are to have had our dogs and for them to have had us ♥️

Good evening, dear friends. Still keeping on keeping on.

welliguessitwouldbenice, you're amazing, truly amazing. 😘

Benji, this thread is really my only support now. I suspect that my husband is starting to get frustrated (maybe even a little annoyed) with me now. He cried a lot in the first few days after we lost Roxy and we really held each other up, but he tends to bury things and he keeps telling me that I'll have to move on 'sooner or later'. This is not helpful. I am trying, but I can't suddenly flick a switch and 'ta dah - back to normal'. I love your idea of us all in a pub sharing our memories and having a good old cry. 🐾💕 I hope your appointment goes okay tomorrow.

cheese, thank you for your post. I could never imagine not having Roxy in my life, even though I knew it would happen one day. I still can't believe she's gone and I wish I'd made more of an effort to treasure her while she was still here.

pillows I hope you are holding up okay. When I worked from home years ago, Roxy had a little bed in my office and she was lovely company. When she was a puppy she chewed the corner of the carpet in that room and every time I look at the bare patch it makes me smile...

algorithm, thank you. All hugs gratefully received. Having experienced the utter horror of my mum being put on end of life 'care' at the end of a very long and undignified battle with dementia, I hear you.

Mim, how are you today, lovely? I hope work hasn't been too awful. Keep on keeping on. x

So sorry, Mim - we crossed posts. Sad to hear you're under duress at work. I can well remember that feeling of 'stop the world, I want to get off!'. Sending you strength to get through the remainder of this week.

Hi everyone, just checking in. I’m loving the idea of virtual pub, with our dogs at our feet.

This awful last 12 months just keeps on giving - my Dad had a mini stroke (TIA) last night and I’m stuck far away. He’s home and ok (if a bit tired and confused) but I’ve sat for much of the day with my previously bonkers new rescue pup quietly sprawled across me reminding me just what these dogs do for us in times of need.

She’s been no trouble today, she hasn’t had her usual run but she’s been an absolute comfort. She knows.

I came on this thread before to share my experience of losing my boy, but even as it unfolds my new girl is right here with her dog magic. I would have been lost without her today, and a few months ago I’d never even met her. It’s started...

Handhold for those of you grieving. They give so much, it’s such a loss. I’m holding her close tonight.

oliphanto I’m so sorry to hear about your dad, awful in itself but compounded by the fact that you are far away. Wishing him a good recovery and I am so glad that your new pup is giving you comfort. It’s truly amazing how much dogs give us, just by being there and without even knowing that they are doing it. The world is a better place with some dog magic in it. Thanks for the handhold - gratefully received.

cardigans Thank you - this thread has become my sanctuary too. It is such a safe, supportive place. My husband is missing our boy very much but is being more stoic about it than I am. I worry that by being too visibly upset all the time that I stopping him grieving in the way that works for him. I’m sorry that you are not getting real life support, it’s hard. One of my colleagues told me today me to remember that ‘we all have our challenges at the moment.’ Absolutely true, and I have no way of knowing what is going on in my colleague’s personal lives, but not what I needed to hear. It made me feel so diminished. I also managed to melt down completely in front of another colleague today (days in a row of crying in front of colleagues = 2) when she asked me if I was ok because I didn’t seem like myself. She was lovely about it though. Just a shame that she is one of the many good people my organisation is haemorrhaging at the moment.

Thank for the kind wishes for the rest of week - I just seem to have lost all my resilience. Things I would previously have shrugged off or laughed at or even got angry at now just make me cry. I feel like a layer of my skin has been peeled off and there’s just too much on display.

I’m so sorry to hear about your mum. I imagine if Roxy was around to support you then that that must make her loss even harder. Dogs provide us with so much comfort - bitter irony at the moment.

How has today been? Sending you strength too. It’s all very hard. Life feels hard at the moment. Be kind to yourself and keep talking. I’m listening

@Benji13 Good luck with your hospital appointment today - I’m sorry you have to be doing that on top of everything else

Aww thank you @MimPimMim that’s really kind of you to remember ❤️
My appointment is 10.45 so I’m just slowly getting ready. Everything I do at the moment is slow slow slow. I hate hospitals at the best of times never mind in a pandemic but needs must. My dh is taking me and will wait in the car. He is a diamond 💎

We both lay in bed this morning and said how sad we feel - just overwhelmed by sadness. Mum was spot on Ben really has taken all the joy with him.

I hope you have a better day working @@MimPimMim it’s so hard for you.
I’ll check in later people wishing you strength and a peaceful day

Hi all. Hope you're all OK.
I've steered clear of the Internet for the last 24 hours to give myself a break, but I missed you all.

Sorry to hear that you're not getting any support from colleagues @MimPimMim. That's tough.
I understand about just feeling squeezed. I walk around doing normal things but it all just seems greyer and darker, and that dread feeling is then punctuated with stabs of pain and grief.
It's consuming.

@benji13 hope it went well at the hospital.

I'm (hopefully) picking J's ashes up tomorrow. Unfortunately DH is isolating so I have to go by myself, but I've decided to walk to the vets and walk back (about a 4 mile round trip)
I walked J there about 2 weeks ago, unbelievably. It wasn't one of our usual walks, but as we walked past the vet I said to him "oh look - your vets. You like it there" and less than a week later, he went to sleep there.

Stuff like that is so odd.

Love and light to you all

@toomanypillows I’ll be thinking of you tomorrow. Sorry you have to go in your own. I dreaded picking up bens ashes but have gained some comfort from him being home. He’s in the lounge where he loved to lol about with us - his space at the centre of the family. I hope you too gain some comfort. Take your time and be kind to yourself.

Hope everyone else is as well as we can be today.

My hospital appointment went ok and I had to have a small biopsy taken which was uncomfortable and I wasn’t expecting. Weirdly the nurse that held my hand while it was done was chit chatting to settle me and commented out of the blue how she used to work at the rescue kennels we had Ben from - it’s not particularly local either. How odd and she knew the puppy carer who looked after Ben. Strange coincidence. I like to think he was saying it’s ok mom be brave.

Sending love. We lost our beautiful dog in October. She was 12. It is pure misery.

@toomanypillows

Hi all. Hope you're all OK. I've steered clear of the Internet for the last 24 hours to give myself a break, but I missed you all.

Sorry to hear that you're not getting any support from colleagues @MimPimMim. That's tough.
I understand about just feeling squeezed. I walk around doing normal things but it all just seems greyer and darker, and that dread feeling is then punctuated with stabs of pain and grief.
It's consuming.

@benji13 hope it went well at the hospital.

I'm (hopefully) picking J's ashes up tomorrow. Unfortunately DH is isolating so I have to go by myself, but I've decided to walk to the vets and walk back (about a 4 mile round trip)
I walked J there about 2 weeks ago, unbelievably. It wasn't one of our usual walks, but as we walked past the vet I said to him "oh look - your vets. You like it there" and less than a week later, he went to sleep there.

Stuff like that is so odd.

Love and light to you all

Sorry you have a long walk tomorrow. But on the way back you will have J with you. I picked up the blanket my lovely girl was wrapped in on the last day yesterday. It was the last time I needed to visit the vets this time, it’s tearful but another step we must take. Will think of you tomorrow x

@Benji13 Thank your the support - it is really tough at the moment. I know exactly what you mean about being overwhelmed by the sadness. I’m struggling and I don’t know how much is a normal amount to struggle. I’m still finding joy in my little girl but very little else. And when she’s asleep, I just want to climb into bed and not get out. I’ll glad your hospital appointment went ok and what a lovely coincidence about your nurse. It’s funny how the world works sometimes. It just goes to show that Ben is still with you, even in unlikely places. Wishing you luck with the results ❤️

@toomanypillows Thank you, I really do appreciate the checking in and kind words. I’m finding work really hard at the moment, for various reasons, and I think it is pretty obvious that I am struggling but there isn’t much in the way of support. I don’t think I have much more to give and there isn’t any understanding of that. I hope you have had a better day and the internet break has helped? I understand completely about revisiting what you were doing with him in your mind - we lost my boy two weeks ago tonight (I can hardly believe it has been two weeks since he was here with us) and I keep replaying all the lasts in my mind. I think I am still struggling to process that they were really were the lasts. I would have clung onto him tighter if I had known.

I hope you do get the call to pick up your boy’s ashes tomorrow - I found it hard to collect them but I do feel a sort of sense of security (I’m not sure how else to describe it) that he is back home where he belongs. He is in our bedroom (well our spare bedroom, where we have temporarily decamped) and it does give me some comfort to know that we are sleeping in the same room as him again. I’m sorry that you have to go on your own but I hope that the walk back with him gives you a small bit of peace. May I make a practical suggestion? My boy’s ashes and paw prints etc. were returned in a much bigger box inside a bag than I expected. We went there in the car so it didn’t matter but had I brought a bigger bag then it would have been easier for the walk we went on with him afterwards. I’ll be thinking of you tomorrow

@adeleh Thank you and I am so sorry for your loss. Pure misery is the best way of putting it, it really is just that. I hope you have been able to give yourself some space to grieve for your girl. She sounds so loved

I am crying with you all. We lost our boy three years ago to the day very suddenly. The pain was unremitting. I remember just wanting to fall asleep and not wake up until it was all over. But then you did wake up and it started all over again.
I wish you all courage and some respite. I remember my dh coming out to the car to tell me and I said‘how can we get through the rest of our life without him?’. I really thought I couldn’t do it. Bless you all. You sound so lovely.

@curlymom I just wanted to say that I hope you are getting on ok and that I’m thinking of you. It’s hard to do the final things. I have to cancel my boy’s pet insurance over the next couple of days and it makes me so sad to think about it. I know it’s a bit irrational but it feels like such a final things to do. I really do hope you are managing to keep going through it all

Thank you @pinkhousesarebest - that is so kind of you and I’m so sorry for your loss. I understand exactly what you mean - I am struggling to get to sleep and when I finally do manage then I just can’t bear the moment when I wake up and remember. I dreamt about my boy again last night. He was walking towards his bed when he stopped and looked up at me to have a fuss. I stroked his head and tickled his chin in the way he liked. It felt so real but even in the dream I was trying to hold onto him. I write to him every night and ask him to visit me in my dreams, asking him to stay a bit longer so I can enjoy him again. My heart is broken and keeps breaking. I’m not sure how I do this either but your lovely words are helping to give me hope. I’m thinking of you, today must be hard and I hope you have some solace as you think of wonderful memories of your boy

[quote MimPimMim]@curlymom I just wanted to say that I hope you are getting on ok and that I’m thinking of you. It’s hard to do the final things. I have to cancel my boy’s pet insurance over the next couple of days and it makes me so sad to think about it. I know it’s a bit irrational but it feels like such a final things to do. I really do hope you are managing to keep going through it all [/quote]
Thanks I am thinking of you too. My insurance were not good at the end I couldn’t talk when they called to renew the day after I lost her. They just cancelled my policy. Won’t be using them again.
Good luck making that call x

@curlymom thank you ❤️ I am looking forward to him coming home. He only ever wanted to be with us, and we'll have him back where he belongs.

@MimPimMim - I love the letters you are writing to him. I've been drawing J - pencil sketches, but I might do the same as you.

Love to everyone who is struggling tonight

Oh and @curlymom - thinking of you with the blanket. I have J's and I sleep with it. It does give me comfort

Thank you for the kind comments pp’s, but we’d all do the same for those furry buggers. My girl needs stronger meds and a plan which I’ll sort with the lovely vet tomorrow. Lindy’s walks are getting shorter at her behest. Still loving liver and butchers best sausage though 😍

Lots of love @MimPimMim x

@toomanypillows I love the idea of the pencil sketches you are doing of your boy - how wonderful to be able to capture him like that. I wish my artistic talent extended that far! Thinking of you this morning

@curlymom Thank you, I appreciate it. Thankfully
I can do the insurance over live chat, I think. I’m not sure that I would be able to get through the call otherwise. I’m sorry that yours were so terrible, they should know better.

@welliguessitwouldbenice Wishing you and your girl luck at the vet this morning. I hope the vet can help you come up with a sensible plan that keeps you spoiling her with treats for awhile longer yet

Checking in to say 'hello', offer virtual handholds and spread a little dog magic with this:

For all of you missing your beloved dogs today. x