Tips for a reluctant dog owner other than ‘don’t do it’?

[DisorganisedOrganiser]

Apologies for long OP. Trying not to drip feed.

So DH really wants a dog. Backstory is that I knew from when we first got together nearly 20 years ago that he wanted one. I agreed we would. We got a cat first (still have the cat who I adore) and now have two DC age 6 and 8.

I am part time, the kids are old enough and theoretically we could get one now. I have said that when DH is off then he needs to be responsible for the dog.

However, I am under no illusions. I know that it will be me doing the vast majority of the work. I don’t like dogs and I know also it will be harder then having another child.

I don’t find parenting or housekeeping (for want of a better word) easy and I know they having a dog will only make both of those things harder.

I’m not going to veto it. I knew when we met and when we married that one day I would have to get a dog. Looking back now I might have made different decisions but that is for another thread. I would never say he couldn’t get one. To me (just my opinion) it would be like one partner changing their mind on whether to have DC or how many to have. I would view that as an absolute dealbreaker and would never go back on such an arrangement. I don’t think changing your mind on that is acceptable (awful life events excepted).

So the point of my OP...

Any survival tips to get through it? How do I keep my marriage intact and my sanity? I feel he is unrealistic about the amount of work involved but at least I am realistic about how incredibly hard it is going to be.

I would want to get to the stage of liking the dog but am realistic that this may never happen. I would care for the dog, do the walks, the training etc. but am worried I would not love it.

DH and kids want a puppy. On the one hand I think that once the initial horror is done then in a couple of years at least you have a dog that has grown up with the kids and cat already there. Or is a rescue dog better but then what about behavioural problems?

Fair enough to say "I agreed years ago to us getting a dog - I can't veto it now." BUT that commitment absolutely doen't extend to a duty on your part to be a major caretaker of the dog. If he can't be the one to manage dog ownership, every day, then would be very unfair on you -- and the dog.

I have a dog. It was my desire to have a dog, and my husband does bugger all to look after him. Fair enough. It would be grossly unreasonable of me to expect him to do anything.
Even so, if he was uncomfortable enough about having a dog I wouldn't have brought one into the house.

It is such a big deal, getting a dog. ESPECIALLY a springer spaniel. My god they really are needy little bleeders.

Having a dog that you don't enjoy really can feel like a terrible trap.
Say no. You wouldn't be saying no to his getting a dog -- you would be saying no to becoming the dog's carer.

OP you're part time because you have two young DCs who still need a lot of hands on care and taking to and from activities, not because you are leaving a dog sized slot.

I'd suggest waiting until the cat dies and the DCs are capable of being left in the house by themselves with the dog (11-12). DS 13 doesn't do a huge amount of care of DDog but can at least be left in the house on his own with him and be relied upon to feed him and pay a little attention to him.

Oh and as everyone has said dogs are expensive, so I'd make it a precondition that the overdraft was paid off and that you have savings of at least a couple of grand .

I'd also insist that DH explores what options he has to make dog ownership easier. Still smarting from the fact that DH could apparently not request wfh when it would have been a massive help with DS but has done so for ddog ( tbf organisations attitudes to wfh have softened over th years). He may be busy and important but he's the one who wants the damn dog, so what's he going to sacrifice to get him ?

If you got a dog before that point then yes it's going to be incredibly hard and you are going to hate having the dog and hate the H for forcing you into that situation.

It is the neediness that I would find the worst I think. I absolutely hate neediness as a personality trait. Different of course if you are ill or need help etc. But to be needy just because you are needy and want to suck up my life force with your neediness. Just no.

I will need to veto a spaniel it sounds like. I don’t think a greyhound would be dog like enough for him.

Good advise actually to say I am not refusing to get a dog but am refusing to be the main carer. Sadly if I am the one at home it will inevitably end up being me though.

Quite apart from the dog and the marriage, please consider going to the GP to discuss whether you might be depressed. Your posts sound so depressed to me. I think counseling might be helpful as you sound like you think you have no choices.

I will need to veto a spaniel it sounds like.

If nothing else this is a good call.

I had a spinone (gundog type with a temperament similar to a spaniel) when my children were small. It was my choice, but it was a mistake. I constantly felt that the children were being shortchanged becacuse he was so full-on, so much 'sucking up my life force', as you put it. Every second, willing you to be making him the centre of your attention.

I chose a gundog-type because they have such a strong likelihood of being chilled and tolerant with children, which he was in fairness. But when he died (of old age -- I muddled through for years!) I got a terrier. Much more self-sufficient. My terrier, like me, genuinely needs 'social downtime' when he can be left to himself and not bothered by any demands for interaction.

I love and adore him, but even so, he comes with his own problems and if I didn't love and adore him I would have torn my hair out many times over about my decision to own him!! Unless you are really lucky and have a zero-problems dog, you need a vast store of affection for your pet to outweigh the stresses of owning it.

Only a few points to make.

1. I found one of the trickiest things was not being able to take the dog into shops or any other admin building, while ds was only 6 and therefore imo too young to be left outside holding a dog [that the rescue centre totally minimised the problems of] I think your youngest child should be at least 11 if you do this. Walk yourself through a typical week and write down all the practical problems you would need to solve. Don't solve them, discuss with him and ask for solutions.

1. As adults, sometimes you have to take the responsibility of being the bad guy and life gets a fuckload better as a result. I recognise entirely the pattern of 'I'm going to be the good guy and do stuff that makes me miserable because you want it and then resent you for making me do the stuff but it's ok because it's you who wanted it even though I could tell that it was going to be shit'. Marriage is not a prison sentence. Every day you get up and you decide to stay, as two consenting adults. Or not. Who is to blame? Both of you. You make decisions, not 'the Marriage'.

1. Brexit. Your dh did not say 'i must have a dog even though we're too overdrawn for dog care, proper vet care or insurance , even though our kids are primary age, even though I will be working so much that I physically can't care for the dog'. You didn't sign up for that. You signed up to try to make your dh happy. Demand a confirmatory vote based on known realities.

1. The money is a serious issue. Dogs cost.

Lolololol, TemporaryPermanent, at point number 3 Brexit.

And point number 2 is very very telling and wise.

The money is a serious issue. Dogs cost.

Yes to this. Whilst you can save money by not buying lots of toys/beds/training etc you can't save it on insurance/vets/worming etc unless you take a risk.

Admittedly 250-300 a month is on daycare but equally with flea/worming, food, insurance, grooming and training we spend another £100-200.

We have a cocker and a springer.

We have a large house with room for extra people. We spend a large part of the year with people staying to look after the dogs. We have lots of animals (small sheep and poultry farm) but it's the dogs that mean we have to have people. Over the last 9 years we've literally had over 100 people staying.

We also have an outbuilding that we use as a kennel and run. Our dogs sleep there. And go there when we are out.

We will not be getting more dogs when these die. They are now 10 and we've both had dogs all our lives. They are too much of a bind and a constraint.

OP I had a springer spaniel, she was gorgeous but I couldnt give her the walks and attention she needed with the children around. As another poster has said she was also very ‘barky’ at other dogs which made walks unbelievably stressful. I loved her but I’d never get another spaniel of any type so don’t let your DH railroad you into a cocker, sprocker, show spaniel or any spaniel mix, I don’t think it would suit your requirements.

I also had a border terrier, she was lovely, liked downtime, was happy being left alone for a few hours and didn’t need lots of long walks. On the downside she was quite hairy and smelly (I could forgive that).

I think something terrier like and short haired could be best for you as they don’t make loads of mess and don’t need long walks, although obviously will still need walking daily.

As others have said though, please get your mental health looked at, you sound so depressed and I think you need help

I'm following this as I know I will one day be in a similar position as my husband is a dog lover and grew up with multiple Alsatians, while I'm a dog hater (sorry) and grew up with one Schnauzer who I just never bothered with. I have a big family and they all loved the dog but I think I'm a bit like you OP with regards to the neediness.

When I see people put with dogs I think 'oh they look cute' but have no desire to introduce one into my life. We currently have toddlers so are a long way off thankfully but my husband makes comments most days about getting dogs when the girls are older

Temporary, thanks so much. Your first point is genius and exactly what I need to do. I like the idea of getting worries written down and forcing him to actually look at them.

re Brexit. I’ve thought the same thing myself.

Re. marriage I suppose I see things differently. You get married for life (aside from abuse etc). I wouldn’t leave and screw up everyone’s lives including my own. Unless one of us fundamentally went back on a joint decision which has always been a given (cat, children, dogs).

Good advice on breeds etc.

I totally do the agreeing to stuff then being annoyed about it. To an extent I do think that choice is an illusion. I accepted that for a while with children I would have no life. I have older kids now and can see my life coming back. It’s just a bit shitty that I’ll lose it again now with the dog but I always knew that would happen.

I do also think that whoever stays at work gets the easy way of family life. All the Disney stuff and less of the day to day work. That’s just the way it is.

Brexit is slightly different in that (whole other thread) it was a question that should never have been put to a large scale vote. Plus unless people on both sides agree it is a disaster we can’t go back.

This is a decision between two people. Although similar in that whatever we do someone is deeply unhappy. I’m not depressed but thanks for everyone’s concern. I’ve made him wait nearly 20 years for a dog. It’s my turn to compromise on it now.

Unihorn . What I find hard is the knowledge hanging over me, the constant comments about when we get a dog. I found it hard with the difficult bits of parenting DC1 as well, the knowledge that we had to do it again with DC2. Love my kids so much but the needy toddler stage is soul sucking. So happy we are out of that now.

You seem such a kind and grounded person that if you really feel you owe it to your partner to get a dog then I'm sure you will find a way to manage it well.

Do stand firm about what type of dog to get, though. Perhaps if you make the right choice of breed you might end up with a dog you actually enjoy. Good luck to you, whatever you decide.

Well don't do it if your hearts not in it as you'll be doing all the work!
Besides - totally unfair on your poor moggy.

I just got a dog I didn't want and it scared me a lot. Our circumstances are a bit different as we already have a dog who is very old and like a child to me. I know what having a puppy meant because I did it alone w my first dog and it was hard( met my husband when our older dog was 1) and I didn't want a puppy disrupting our beloved old dog.
Fast forward to today when our puppy is 4 months old.

You can do it and a dog will bring incredible joy to your family. It will be hard and you will be doing most of it but where you will make your life easier is by picking an 'easy breed', a cockapoo for example.
A dog that you can house train a week, that wont shed buckets of hair and will be patient w your children.

The rest will be ok. The love a dog brings to a home is incredible. I was not keen on our puppy AT ALL when he arrived, he felt a bit like an intruder. But now Ive got over it and spent lots of time w him I love him dearly. He also makes my husband so so happy. My advice is DO IT !

Greyhounds can live with cats. I have a lot of friends involved in greyhound rescue and all the dogs are tested to see their reaction to cats. Many get rehomed to families with cats even ex racers.

OP, I would join "borrowmydoggy" so you and your DH can see at least some of the realities of having a dog. You could look after a dog for, say, a weekend or even longer.

It will be hard and you will be doing most of it but where you will make your life easier is by picking an 'easy breed', a cockapoo for example.

I have met really nice calm cockerpoos but honestly the combination of a high energy cocker and an intelligent poodle can be a nightmare as mixing genes doesn't guarantee just getting the best bits. I would hate to think what my cocker could be like if he was smarter and needed more mental stimulation than he gets now. It's bad enough now

This is why the OP needs to research breeds thoroughly and not go on someone's example because she needs to be prepared for the 'worst' traits.

I don’t rate Cockapoos as an easy breed. Generally labradoodles are calmer but you can’t beat a Golden Retriever for a great dog.

Agree and an easy breed for one person would be a nightmare for another.

The OP doesn't want clinginess so that defintely rules out certain breeds because their traits or breeding means that they typically will be a 'person' dog forget peeing and showering on your own

Golden retriever sounds promising.

Those of you who like dogs, do you like the neediness? I know people say dogs are so pleased to see you, greet you at the door etc? I am just trying to figure out if that is what I need to learn to love. It strikes me as a toddler following you round the house all days who needs to be taken out at least twice a day to burn off energy and then poos everywhere .

What also scares me is you just don’t know what a dog will be like if you get a puppy. What if they are a nightmare to control? Equally if you get a rescue what if they have behavioural issues that were not picked up?

Sometimes the neediness can be wearing. If you get up BiteyDog gets up as well incase you are going to do something fun and follows me around.

But most times it's lovely because he will sit with me and lean on me when watching tv. Or he will park himself outside the shower waiting for me. Or sit by me when I am having a pee.

And the greetings are lovely to always be pleased to see you. Except DH gets most of those as I am at home with BiteyDog a lot more very jealous

However, at 2.5 years old he will now take himself off to other rooms or out in the garden for a bit. But he still listens out so if I make a noise he's straight back to see what is happening.