Tips for a reluctant dog owner other than ‘don’t do it’?

[DisorganisedOrganiser]

Apologies for long OP. Trying not to drip feed.

So DH really wants a dog. Backstory is that I knew from when we first got together nearly 20 years ago that he wanted one. I agreed we would. We got a cat first (still have the cat who I adore) and now have two DC age 6 and 8.

I am part time, the kids are old enough and theoretically we could get one now. I have said that when DH is off then he needs to be responsible for the dog.

However, I am under no illusions. I know that it will be me doing the vast majority of the work. I don’t like dogs and I know also it will be harder then having another child.

I don’t find parenting or housekeeping (for want of a better word) easy and I know they having a dog will only make both of those things harder.

I’m not going to veto it. I knew when we met and when we married that one day I would have to get a dog. Looking back now I might have made different decisions but that is for another thread. I would never say he couldn’t get one. To me (just my opinion) it would be like one partner changing their mind on whether to have DC or how many to have. I would view that as an absolute dealbreaker and would never go back on such an arrangement. I don’t think changing your mind on that is acceptable (awful life events excepted).

So the point of my OP...

Any survival tips to get through it? How do I keep my marriage intact and my sanity? I feel he is unrealistic about the amount of work involved but at least I am realistic about how incredibly hard it is going to be.

I would want to get to the stage of liking the dog but am realistic that this may never happen. I would care for the dog, do the walks, the training etc. but am worried I would not love it.

DH and kids want a puppy. On the one hand I think that once the initial horror is done then in a couple of years at least you have a dog that has grown up with the kids and cat already there. Or is a rescue dog better but then what about behavioural problems?

TBH, every post I read from you sounds so unbelievably panic stricken and miserable, as if you are actively trying to find reasons not to get a dog and actively trying to convince yourself it is hell on earth, fucking awful as you put it that actually, I think perhaps it might be better to go back on your word and not get a dog.

Regarding after school clubs:

Brownies/dancing - can you drop the kids and walk the dog in that area then collect kids? Kill 2 birds with one stone? If you can put a crate or dog guard in your boot you can leave the dog for 5 minutes while you run in with them.

I also take FrangipaniPup on the school run - walk if the weathers nice or car if it's wet but I get him out and we stand outside the school gates.

Swimming is trickier - depends if you have to be in the LC or just nearby, mine is beside a park so I can drop DS and stay in the park with FrangipaniPup, but this may not be an option - on those nights your DH will just have to suck it up and come home from work!!

Also what doggy said - you really do sound like you're trying to convince yourself, easy or hard dog you still really have to be 100% committed.

Advice (if you really can’t accept ‘don’t do it’) is to go to a really good, stern, old fashioned Springer spaniel breeder, who will fix you with a beady eye and quiz you on every aspect of your lifestyle.

Then, in our case, she’ll say that you do want a dog, but not this breed, and that you are not going on her waiting list because you are not a suitable home for a dog that needs lots of mental and physical exercise .

(She was completely right. We got ourselves a hairy couch potato who currently needs shoving off the sofa for a final stroll.)

Ok thanks so much everyone.

I don’t need to convince myself. I have my eyes wide open that it will be awful but I am trying to reduce that awfulness and have found some useful tips from this thread. I do feel panicky about it and need to reduce that.

I would never backtrack on something so important without a good reason. ‘I don’t want to’ is simply not a good enough reason in my book. We all have to do stuff we don’t want to.

You feel panicky and that it’ll be awful.
That’s enough.

But you see, there you go again!
‘I have my eyes wide open that it will be awful’

First of all, you do not know that.
You do not know that it will be awful at all!

You may get a fairly placid puppy, who house trains quickly and easily and doesn’t chew anything and isn’t terribly bitey and learns not to bite at all very quickly.

On the other hand you might get a more lively spirited pup BUT with careful supervision re chewing and regular 30 minute potty breaks you massively reduce the risk of damage, toilet accidents etc.
Make sure you crate train aswell.

You just do not know.

Secondly, that attitude is massively unhelpful and won’t help you bond at all.
If your going to do this you should try and think positively..

Whilst getting a puppy can undoubtedly be very hard, a great number of people find dogs ultimately hugely loveable and rewarding. Going into dog ownership with the attitude that you will find it awful, and will never grow to love or at least enjoy the dog seems hugely negative.

If you really feel this awful about it I don't understand why you can't at least discuss it with your husband. Having a pet really isn't "so important" to your DH that it is worth you feeling "awful" and "panicky" about it, is it?

Just postpone it until he has enough money to pay for it up front for 15 years. £15,000 so and it's a deal. (Add another couple of thousand if he is not going to walk it.)

Grooming 30 per month
Insurance 30 per month
Food 20 per month
Then vets bills, leads, beds, chewy things, replacing the chewed (not chewy) things, vaccines, medicine, collars, crates

It will be at least 1000 per year.

When we got our first dog, she was so anxious she would shake and puke if left alone. She had to sleep in my daughter's bedroom, beside her until she was grown up! We couldn't leave her alone for 10 minutes, we couldn't go away or do anything. The stress of it would really make your already stressful relationship snap. Please think carefully before you do this.

We have discussed it. Although I have not been as honest as I have been on here. He thinks it will be great, that I am catastrophising. He is one of those ‘it will all work out’ type of people. Drives me mad.

The only good thing I guess is that he is more into disciplining the children than I am - not in a bad way but he would be the stricter one and I would be the softer one often. Hoping that will help with training a dog as I understand I will need to be strict about stuff like not jumping up and recall etc.

You rather are catastrophising in my opinion.

And yes you will need to be strict/consistent in discouraging poor behaviour just as you would be with a child

I would drop the dog issue for now - neither of you want to disturb the cat, so wait until it has departed and discuss it again then. In the meantime, address the ongoing unhappiness in your life. At the very least, look at your job options, including retraining. I appreciate you want to stay part time, but even if it's only 2 days a week, that's still more than a month of your life each year spent in misery. Life is too short for that shit! Start thinking about what you would enjoy being paid for.

I would also consider marriage counseling as you are clearly unhappy and your partner is not listening to you.

How do people manage after school activities while they have a puppy? They don’t surely cancel them for months do they?

It's they type of stuff you take into consideration before getting a puppy.

Existing commitments like this with no adult to look after the puppy for long periods of times several times a week meant we didn't get a puppy until husbands work hours reduced and one of us would be home or dd got older and didn't need an adult to stay with her during her hobbies and after school stuff etc.

They factor in the cost of pet sitters for when they need attention most of the time and dog warts for when they'll only need someone to pop in and let them out or take them for a walk. If he's only taking two weeks off the puppy will need someone to look after it while you're both at work as well as for after school stuff.

I'm struck by how little he seems to know you and how he has no idea how ugh work is involved in making family life happen. You sound miserable OP and I mean this kindly but all that money you'd be putting into a puppy and it's care might be better spent on counselling with for yourself to be able to talk to your husband about how you life for you isn't as easy as he thinks it is. You're correct that once things are said there's no going back but you sound unhappy.

Things you can if you really really must get one. Discuss together how you'll be training it, lots of different methods but the most important thing is you all follow the same method for consistency. Discuss chewing a biting. Warn the children before it comes that puppies bite and chew and scratch. Mine was a shit for cardigans and would hang off them. Many holes in my clothes as a result 😀😀. Start puppy proofing house now maybe.

I've 2 springers and two teenagers. They do absolutely nothing to help with the dogs.

Dh gets up about 5am to do a 1.5hr walk in the morning. I do the same at night.

Through the day they aren't alone for more than 2hrs. The one time we did leave them for 5hrs I had to replace a carpet and 2 pairs of shoes.

They are a massive amount of work...unless you are 100% committed then it's a recipe for disaster.

Ach don't get a Springer!

They need so much consistency in training and a hell of a lot of exercise.

He is one of those ‘it will all work out’ type of people.

And does he think this way because you're planning and organising of family life makes it all work out and instead of actually sitting him down and pointing out logistics of day to day life and that shit doesn't just work out, someone in the background is making things work out by doing the things so he doesn't have to think about them.

You need to tell him things don't just work out and if shits works out for him he needs to think whose in the background making sure his family life is easier for him.

Look OP, judging from the way you have talked about your DH it is obvious that he is the sort of person who promises to step up and do things and then fails to follow through on his promises?

Well, if he does that, then why the heck can't you do the same thing?

Just say to him "Sorry DH but you have previous form for failing to fulfill your responsibilities in the house. When I promised to have a dog one day, all those years ago, I based my promise on the assumption that you could be relied upon to step up and take care of tasks that you have promised to do. Since it's obvious, based on your previous record, that this is not going to happen, then I am afraid the dog is not happening either. Sign up for the Cinnamon Trust if you want to walk a dog. No dog will be coming into this house and if you turn up with one, it will get taken back to the breeders."

"You may get a fairly placid puppy, who house trains quickly and easily and doesn’t chew anything and isn’t terribly bitey and learns not to bite at all very quickly"

It doesn't matter! I don't want a dog, so even the above would be a nightmare scenario for me.

I think people who haven't owned a dog since childhood are so clueless about this kind of thing. Partly because their mum probably did all the work. And partly because I think standards and expectations were so much lower a generation ago. Not much vaccination or vet visiting, your dog was probably left for long periods and expected to suck it up, people let dogs wander around gardens and neighborhoods by themselves for hours in many areas, you could take dogs to a lot more places than you can now and it was find to just leave dogs tied up outside shops and schools and all sorts of places....

I don't know anyone, in real life, who doesn't just leave the dog in the garden for the odd day out. Then when they get home the dogs come inside and fall asleep on the rug in front of the fire. No harm done.

Does he think this way because your planning and organising of family life makes it all work out?

Yes, probably now you’ve said that.

This is a great example. I am the one super stressed about all this. He doesn’t seem remotely stressed about it. I suppose I think it is unfair as he is the one working so he really can’t have a dog without changing his job or hours (neither is really feasible) or me dealing with it. It was one of the reasons I stayed part time I suppose.

It really isn’t as bad as you think! Literally millions of people have puppies and in some countries like Sweden life savers like crates are actually banned yet people still buy puppies!

Getting a puppy when you want a dog is a million times different to getting one simply under some misguided obligation.

The reason why lots of us are saying no is because if we found it bloody hard when we desperately wanted one we certainly understand how awful that would have been if we hadn't wanted the puppy. Even the most placid laid back puppies require work and that is going to fall back to the one person who doesn't want that work in this situation.

If it was so easy for everyone we wouldn't have the very young impulse puppy purchases being sold online so much with crappy reasons for rehoming so yes I think the OP should be thinking of the downsides.

‘I don’t want to’ is simply not a good enough reason in my book.
You're not saying I don't want to though, you're saying I'm going to try my best to live and get through the length of the dogs life and hopefully at some stage I mi g ht be able to TOLERATE him. Do you think any dog deserves this? I adore dogs and we had one for only a short amount of time ( allergies meant he had to go and I was heartbroken) and I found it so difficult when we had him. Now I look at other people with dogs and it really is like having another child. Do you really want to be sighing muttering under your breath for years? If y o u do get a dog you have to be so involved in the choosing because they'll be your companion essentially. Go for a quiet, friendly dog, do not go for something boisterous and crazy. Also lay it out for your dh just how much you don't like dogs, he needs to know. Meant in the nicest possible way OP, a dog is someone's best friend and none deserve to be tolerated and you don't deserve to be put in this position. Best of luck

Put off the dog till the cat dies?

I would seriously look at a rescue greyhound. Good charities have them fostered first, so that they get used to homes rather than kennels, and so can identify those who are OK with cats (as in ignore them) or children (most apparently are). And since they are adopted they check your suitability as well.

Short hair, bred to be calm, and they only need 20 minutes walk a day, and sleep a lot. The only drawback is they are quite big. And for dog lovers, may seem more cat than dog. For example as sighthounds they tend not to have retrieval instincts.

I'm another one saying you're not being fair to the dog who deserves to be wanted and loved. I got a puppy having wanted a dog all my life and thought I was prepared but I really wasn't and definitely won't have another one after he goes. For quite a while I felt like I'd made a huge mistake.
He has had health issues from the beginning has cost me a fortune and much worry and stress. I woke up at 6 this morning to him being sick on the bed.

We love him very much and he's part of the family now but it's been hard and very very expensive.

I just don't see how you can get a dog when you really don't want it. If your husband would really leave you over this then I say let him. See how he copes with a full time job, 2 kids and a dog on his own.