Tips for a reluctant dog owner other than ‘don’t do it’?

[DisorganisedOrganiser]

Apologies for long OP. Trying not to drip feed.

So DH really wants a dog. Backstory is that I knew from when we first got together nearly 20 years ago that he wanted one. I agreed we would. We got a cat first (still have the cat who I adore) and now have two DC age 6 and 8.

I am part time, the kids are old enough and theoretically we could get one now. I have said that when DH is off then he needs to be responsible for the dog.

However, I am under no illusions. I know that it will be me doing the vast majority of the work. I don’t like dogs and I know also it will be harder then having another child.

I don’t find parenting or housekeeping (for want of a better word) easy and I know they having a dog will only make both of those things harder.

I’m not going to veto it. I knew when we met and when we married that one day I would have to get a dog. Looking back now I might have made different decisions but that is for another thread. I would never say he couldn’t get one. To me (just my opinion) it would be like one partner changing their mind on whether to have DC or how many to have. I would view that as an absolute dealbreaker and would never go back on such an arrangement. I don’t think changing your mind on that is acceptable (awful life events excepted).

So the point of my OP...

Any survival tips to get through it? How do I keep my marriage intact and my sanity? I feel he is unrealistic about the amount of work involved but at least I am realistic about how incredibly hard it is going to be.

I would want to get to the stage of liking the dog but am realistic that this may never happen. I would care for the dog, do the walks, the training etc. but am worried I would not love it.

DH and kids want a puppy. On the one hand I think that once the initial horror is done then in a couple of years at least you have a dog that has grown up with the kids and cat already there. Or is a rescue dog better but then what about behavioural problems?

What also scares me is you just don’t know what a dog will be like if you get a puppy.

Meeting and looking at the temperament of the parents helps.

Also training which I did from a puppy and still do. Not just obedience training but other things like agility and scentwork meant that we have a good bond which filters down into obedience as they learn to work with you.

If you are really determined to do this then you need to look at the positives as well as the negatives before it becomes a self fulfilling prophesy.

I have a Springer, she is needy to some degree.

She is literally my shadow until she is fed in the morning and when I work from home she leaves a trail of tennis balls between my desk and the back door and every time I move she gets really excited as she thinks it must be playtime.

On the plus side she is a real character and so funny, she absolutely loves bath time and if someone leaves the bathroom door open can often be found waiting in the bath tub, she eats whatever is dropped on the floor which is awesome with kids. I take her out when I work from home and it is quite frankly my favourite chore. Sometimes I watch the crappy weather and think I can't face it but once I am out in the fresh air I feel great and usually come back refreshed and ready to crack on with work.

She definitely encourages us to be an outdoor family, we hike a lot at the weekends in the summer, lovely pub lunches, and picnics. Now the kids (and ddog) are older we cycle a lot and I have a trailer for my bike she can go in.

She can be left for about 5 hours so with a bit of planning it's not too limiting, otherwise we have someone look after her or we don't do the activity. It's a bit frustrating at times but not a big issue.

We had a Springer when I was a teenager. My mum really didn't want a dog but a friend was in a difficult situation and taking the dog was the only way my mum could help. My mum loved the long walks, she said she had never been slimmer since having kids as the daily walks kept her really fit. Dog has long since passed and mum and dad would like their ashes scattered at the same place as the dog as they have such wonderful memories of their walks they said they would keep it up after the dog passed but life always gets in the way.

I agree with previous posters that you need to look at the negatives and get dh to come up with a plan on how this will be managed but you also need to sit down and come up with a list of positives too. The reason your dh has such wonderful memories of growing up with a dog is because on the balance of things they are pretty wonderful

To be honest I never had a cockapoo so I might be wrong. They are so popular and dont shed so I thought they were all round quite easy. But yes breed research is a must.

And to answer your neediness question. Again some breeds are incredibly needy and others less so pick something that is on the less needy side. But also, when its dog your its very endearing.

I use to be really put off by other peoples children. There was always something that annoyed me about them and I always thought Id be a rubbish
Mum. Now I have my own its a whole different story. Its similar with dogs :-)

Don’t get a rescue. Mumsnet loves rescue dogs and I agree it’s a wonderful thing to do but in your case it’s not appropriate.

Read up on Golden Retrievers to see if their traits are going to suit you. A good breeder will want to meet you and your family before you ever decide to get a puppy. You will have a chance to meet their dogs and this will help you decide if the breed is right for you.

Search the Kennel Club site for Golden Retriever breeders.

DH would love someone greeting him at the door like that. I would absolutely hate it. They seem to be the exact opposite of independent. I’ll add this to the long list of things that should have been discussed before getting into a serious relationship .

I’m going to leave it for now. When he next brings it up (probably tomorrow ) I will tell him I really really don’t want a dog so he will need to think through how I will deal with this dog 4-5 days out of 7 while he is at work. He will say it will be easy and I am worrying over nothing.

I will also say that we are not doing anything without looking after BIL’s dog or similar for a weekend and preferably some work days too.

I’ll try to get his parents to speak to him. They both say not to get a dog. His mum says she did all the hard work with their dog.

Hi OP haven't RTFT but wanted to jump on as I also married a dog lover and merrily agreed to a dog somewhere down the line. This was fine in our 2 up 2 down in London (no garden and 2 ft jobs so no chance of a dog) but when we moved out and I went part time it became very obvious a dog was happening! What worked for me was breed research and pinning DH down on what he would do. I decided on the breed (miniature schnauzer as hypoallergenic and I have had allergies in the past with various breeds) and DH committed to all the bits I refused to do (getting up in the night when still a puppy, morning walks and training). The first few months of puppy life were HARD, tested our marriage in a way kids never did but it very quickly got easier. They are not clingy like a toddler IME, more super happy to see you, follow you into different rooms in the house if they can be bothered to get off the sofa, look longingly at you when it's dinner time or walk time.

Walks can be stressful, I was scared of dogs when younger so still get a bit twitchy when she barks (very yappy breed) but overall I enjoy taking her out once a day, even in rubbish weather.

What I would do next time however is be the one in charge of the training. Mini schnauzers are a very 'independent' breed and I have noticed that she listens a lot more to DH's commands than mine. I didn't want the work at the time but now I wish I had done it.

The trouble is on his weekday and weekends it would be fairly easy. My concern is the weekdays when we have swimming, shopping etc. Also weekends when he is working. Dance classes where I can’t bring the dog in etc. All of the things he almost never deals with.

Very helpful thanks itsalways.

I suppose I think it is unfair as he is the one working so he really can’t have a dog without changing his job or hours (neither is really feasible) or me dealing with it.

These are your words OP and this is your answer. Your DH wants a dog. Fine. Your DH is working so cannot have a dog. The end. If he were single would he be working? I imagine he would be. So he would still not be able to have a dog, or he would have to spend a lot of money on dog walkers. The fact that he has a family doesn’t mean you are there to facilitate the things he can’t do because he works full time, you work part time because you have small children. It is so so selfish of someone to impose a dog or any other commitment upon someone and not consider the impact on that person. You don’t even like dogs!

Your husband is selfish. Can you not see how selfish he would be if he insisted on a dog now. Shut down the argument - and all the research - until a) the cat has gone b) both your children are not in primary school and can be a bit more self sufficient so there is less of a burden in terms of activities c) your husband has stopped being a selfish arse and actually considered properly how he could look after a dog. Honestly, you need to park this discussion for a number of years. There is loads and loads of time in his life yet for a dog.

And the stuff about the kids benefiting, yes it’s nice for them to have a dog but plenty of children grow up without any pet let alone a dog and it doesn’t actually disadvantage anyone! (And DC are rubbish at doing anything for a dog, at any age and stage, unless the are unusually dedicated.)

It's ok to change your mind, it really is.

If he wants a dog he can get one when he retires and has the time to look after it.

You are making a huge mistake getting a dog now out of some obligatiion to your husband, just because you promised 20 years ago. The situation has changed. You don't have to do this.

It is the neediness that I would find the worst I think. I absolutely hate neediness as a personality trait. Different of course if you are ill or need help etc. But to be needy just because you are needy and want to suck up my life force with your neediness. Just no

A dog will need you,just like a child would. If you don't want that then you can't get a dog because you have to think worst case scenario and be prepared for whatever personality the dog has and deal with it. Also the dog could have loads of health problems regardless of the research of breeds you do.

My DH thinks he wants a dog, he wants a Disney version of a dog and has no idea of the work involved. We have a cat instead and that's as much of a pet as I want.

The other thing you might have to deal with is a very, very unhappy cat spraying all over the house as its territory has been invaded by a dog!

I am surprised you said you would hate to be greeted when you came back home as I think most of us love that they are always pleased to see you.

What do you think you would like about a dog? Is there anything that appeals?

To be fair to dogs, they aren’t all high maintenance. Yes you need to put the hours in when they are puppies but many dogs are very happy provided they get food and a walk. Our current dog likes a stroke but she understands a hand signal if you don’t want to stroke her or if you’ve had enough. I love my dog being pleased to see me when I come back but DH pretty much ignores her. This results in her greeting me and not bothering with him.

Dogs also sleep a lot. If there’s nothing much happening they will lie in their basket and snooze.

Dogs also sleep a lot. If there’s nothing much happening they will lie in their basket and snooze in an ideal world or they could be chewing something they shouldn't or digging up the garden

I really can’t think of anything I like about them . They are cute to look at and BIL’s dog is lovely and absolutely part of the family (but he is like a toddler). I would like the fact that DH and the kids would like a dog. I don’t hate them but I don’t like them.

I think guide dogs, working dogs etc are great. I think it’s great that other people like dogs. I just don’t see the point of them if not working dogs. I like cats.

I also don’t get the idea that they make you exercise. I want to go to the gym and do some proper exercise. I would be less fit with a dog because I can’t leave it to go to the gym. I want my kids to do dancing, gymnastics, swimming, etc. All indoor non-dog friendly exercise.

Plus I haven’t even addressed the biting issue. All those supposedly friendly family dogs that then bite kids.

Oh boy.
Nothing at all?

I really don’t think you should get a dog.
Your also already onto a loser thinking it’s going to be a terrible experience.
Positivity is everything!

With the biting, dogs teeth just like babies do.

Remember how human babies who are teething want to chew on and bite stuff to relieve the pressure?

It’s exactly the same with dogs!
But an additional factor is they also play with their teeth, you need to teach them that when teeth touch you play ends and you leave which is the opposite of what they want.they learn quick not to bite people as a way to instigate play.

Don't get one, seriously.

You would be fit though as you'd be walking it for 2hours a day

Nothing? Oh dear, I was hoping there was something that we could use to help determine the best breed

Ok then, I would like one that is basically a cat. Wants a bit of fuss, would greet DH at the door with love and bounciness but can also sit on it’s own that is good with kids but can be left for a few hours in the day.

Preferably one that doesn’t need lots of mental working each day, if that is the right way to explain it.

Perhaps that is more positive .

its . I blame autocorrect for that one!

How long do you work out for that you can't leave the dog to go to the gym? When it's a tiny puppy sure your routine may have to change for a few months but many people leave their dog for a couple of hours.

People often plan to get a puppy over the school summer holidays, if possible, to try and mitigate the disruption.

What do you love so much about cats that dogs don't offer?

You do come across as very determined not to make having a dog work.

Well my dog definitely fits that criteria 100% but I probably wouldn’t recommend her breed for you (working border collie).

A retired greyhound would probably fit most closely.

Sorry cross post. That sort of dog is entirely possible - I have one. He's lower maintenance than our last cat.

Of course you can go to the gym if you have a dog! You can have a normal life! 🤓

And they grow out of chewing stuff and they only dig the garden if you leave them outside on their own.

I’ve had dogs all my life and yes they do sleep a lot.