Tips for a reluctant dog owner other than ‘don’t do it’?

[DisorganisedOrganiser]

Apologies for long OP. Trying not to drip feed.

So DH really wants a dog. Backstory is that I knew from when we first got together nearly 20 years ago that he wanted one. I agreed we would. We got a cat first (still have the cat who I adore) and now have two DC age 6 and 8.

I am part time, the kids are old enough and theoretically we could get one now. I have said that when DH is off then he needs to be responsible for the dog.

However, I am under no illusions. I know that it will be me doing the vast majority of the work. I don’t like dogs and I know also it will be harder then having another child.

I don’t find parenting or housekeeping (for want of a better word) easy and I know they having a dog will only make both of those things harder.

I’m not going to veto it. I knew when we met and when we married that one day I would have to get a dog. Looking back now I might have made different decisions but that is for another thread. I would never say he couldn’t get one. To me (just my opinion) it would be like one partner changing their mind on whether to have DC or how many to have. I would view that as an absolute dealbreaker and would never go back on such an arrangement. I don’t think changing your mind on that is acceptable (awful life events excepted).

So the point of my OP...

Any survival tips to get through it? How do I keep my marriage intact and my sanity? I feel he is unrealistic about the amount of work involved but at least I am realistic about how incredibly hard it is going to be.

I would want to get to the stage of liking the dog but am realistic that this may never happen. I would care for the dog, do the walks, the training etc. but am worried I would not love it.

DH and kids want a puppy. On the one hand I think that once the initial horror is done then in a couple of years at least you have a dog that has grown up with the kids and cat already there. Or is a rescue dog better but then what about behavioural problems?

Well there is some debate about whether we would get the dog with the cat still here so I am trying to plan for that too but I suspect after. We both really love our cat.

Yes I absolutely agree with all those costs. I tend to worry about money a lot more than him though. I stress about lots of stuff that he just gets on with.

A Goldie would also be an ideal dog to have with a cat.

Well I have strayed here from relationships and perhaps predictably I'm going to say that you need couple's counselling, not at dog. Or at the very least you need couple's counselling before you get a dog.

I don't mind dogs but I am not a dog person and don't enjoy owning dogs - I didn't even have to deal with the puppy stage as my husband had them before we met.

If possible, I'd wait until the children are old enough to stay home when you walk them so they can be walked early morning/without dragging everyone out. My dogs can be left for 5 hours but they are older and have each other.

If you go ahead, I'd get a small-ish dog that doesn't need as much exercise (and may be more cat like!). Train it to poo in a specific place to limit cleaning up garden. Don't let it upstairs so you have a dog free area. Join borrowmydoggy for some extra help (or just get your husband and children to join that nkw and regularly borrow one!)

It is wonderful seeing my children with them and how loved the dogs are by them - they are old now and I dreading them dying even though I'm not a natural dog owner.

If you do get a dog because your DH wants one, you will need to find a way of making sure he walks it and takes part in training.

If you really don’t think he will, then (a) don’t get a dog and (b) LTB.

I tend to worry about money a lot more than him though. I stress about lots of stuff that he just gets on with.

The more you mention about your marriage the more I struggle to see why you're so desperate to keep your husband happy by getting a dog.

Lots to think about, thanks.

I have largely been in your situation OP. My DH grew up with dogs and always maintained he wanted a dog when it was possible. I never had pets growing up and wanted nothing to do with it. But I loved him and honestly worried he would choose the prospect of a dog over me if I said never. So I said we could get one when one of us was home enough to make it possible. We both worked full time in demanding jobs so I figured it would just go away.

Fast forward several years and due to DD1 being born preemie, I quit and was home full time. So DH brightly pointed out that now we could get dog! Oh joy! (Not). But I was stuck, just like you feel.

We did get a dog. (And a second dog, which is a different story.) DH promised to do all the work - walking, vets, meds, etc. And he was pretty good about it. But as the one staying home I did a lot of work.

I did grow to love the dogs. They are part of our family. But they are a hugely expensive pain in the ass. We can't do things spontaneously. We pay huge amounts to have them be looked after on vacation. One is getting older and is having toilet issues. Another had cancer and needed hugely expensive treatment.

They are living beings who deserve to be loved and cared for, not resented and tolerated. I'm ashamed of my behaviour when we first got the dog, as I felt trapped by the poor thing. He became my dog and I think I made it up to him in years of love, but it easily could have gone the other way.

Please, OP, don't get a dog to save your marriage. It's not fair to the poor dog. Especially if it will be exacerbating money issues. As much as I now love our dogs, I tell anyone who asks that the person at home should be 110% on board or it is cruel to the dog.

Put your effort into dealing with the issues with your marriage, not researching the right dog to get. Good luck. 💐

Don’t get a dog with an old cat that isn’t used to living with a dog. Not fair on the cat. And the worst outcome? Dog goes to hurt cat and cat can’t get away.
Re cost. An ear issue cost over £800 recently. We have insurance but it is twice that cost of the cats. And training etc costs too.

Hi Op, we're on DDog no2, both from puppies - FrangipaniDog passed away last year age 15, FrangipaniPup is 8 months and we've had him since November.

Honestly?

A puppy is 1000 times harder work than a baby and yes, it's like having a toddler that your MIL has filled with sugar for a week.

Puppies rarely sleep through the night until they are at least 14wks old and that's a good one, be prepared for sleepless nights for 4-8wks.

You won't be able to leave a puppy for more than 2hrs at a time unless you want your house wrecked/covered in wee and poop.

Oh God. Yes that is what I thought. How the fuck are we going to have a puppy? He will be able to have 2 weeks off I would think plus one weekday a week (when the kids don’t do a long activity) and some weekends.

How do people manage after school activities while they have a puppy? They don’t surely cancel them for months do they?

I either cancelled them or someone else took the kids. It took me months to be able to leave my dog for an hour or two. I was unlucky. But what if you were too?
Puppies take several months to be reliably toilet trained. That means taking them out every half an hour and after eating or drinking or playing or napping.
But you don’t want a dog. So say no. FFS.

Argh posted too soon!!

They are expensive:

Insurance £35
Worming/Flea treatment £15
Dog walker £200 (one a day x 5 days)
Feed £50

That's £300 EVERY MONTH

Research breeds and only go for one that fits closely to your lifestyle - some are a lot more chilled and adaptable than others.

We take FrangipaniPup lots of places with us (full day out today) but we have a car that fits a crate in the boot - do you have this?

What will you do for holidays? Not all dogs are ok in kennels - we use a pet sitter to stay at our house.

For me it's worth it because I'm a dog lover, but you have to think that everything that's hard you will resent the dog for.

I think your biggest problem is getting your DH to realise exactly how hard it's going to be......

I would not get a puppy now, with an old cat. Not fair on the cat who might then be miserable.
But otherwise, a dog isn’t like a child stuck in toddlerhood, they mature too. A dog is like a friend who you grow alongside, and who becomes a wonderful companion.
I agree Springers are on the bonkers side though. A bit hyper. You need something calmer.

Thanks Wolfie.

I am going to have to ignore the issue and then see what happens in a few months. It will be me who has to sort out all the logistics of activities. I guess we would have to cancel most of them.

Some of these posts are crazy!
1000 times harder than a baby?!

I don’t remember my puppy screaming and crying on/off for hours on end day in day out.
Nor keeping me awake all day and all night for months on end.
Nor spewing epic amounts of shit everywhere including over their legs and bellies at times and vomming milk after feed.
I get that some pups are worse than others but man, I really don’t think they are quite as bad as some posters are making out.
I’d rather have 3 puppies at the same time than a newborn again, it was fucking brutal!

I don’t know anyone whose puppies weren’t silent at night after a week tops!
Most pups are house trained reliably within a few months.
House damage is minimal if you are careful to supervise and provide chewy toys.

Or just don’t get the dog you don’t want anyway?

And after school activities, take the puppy with you?!

I took our puppy on the school run, it’s brilliant socialisation and good training opportunity.

Pop the crate in the car, stick puppers in, carry puppy whilst you drop kids off, take pup for a little walk, carry puppy while you pick kids up and go home?

Or, put the puppy in a crate with a stuffed kong while you nip out on the after school club run?

I physically couldn’t carry mine. You can’t take a dog to swimming lessons.
And OP doesn’t actually want a dog. If you really really want a dog then most people can work round a lot of obstacles. But OP doesn’t.

YY what about the swimming pool? Dancing? Brownies etc? All places I cannot take a dog. Swimming in particular parents need to stay in the leisure centre.

Why is you being miserable doing all the shit work looking after a dog you don't want less important than your husbands romantic childhood notion of owning a dog?

Those places if no one is at home you put a stuffed kong in the crate at home and put the puppy in so it doesn’t trash your house.

It really isn’t as bad as you think!
Literally millions of people have puppies and in some countries like Sweden life savers like crates are actually banned yet people still buy puppies!

Honestly, it is not that bad!
Tiring yes, takes up a lot of time to socialise and train yes and quite a tie because they can’t be left long periods but honestly, not as bad as some of the posts here would have you believe.

Because he works more hours so it is just how it is that I will have to do the shit work. He won’t physically be there to do it. I could think about retraining somehow or going back to a job I really hate to do more hours and see if he could drop a day at work.

He can’t realistically have the dog unless I take care of it. I am not willing to be the bad guy on this one so I will have to suck it up or hope he changes his mind in some way.

I don’t remember my puppy screaming and crying on/off for hours on end day in day out.

I don't remember DS doing this either, I can hand on heart say he was easier as a baby than either of our 2 dogs were as puppies!

Like babies, puppies and dogs are all different, but if the OP is at all unsure she needs to be prepared for the worst case scenario. And if she ends up with an "easy" dog then fab it's a bonus but it's no good telling her "it's not that bad" when she's asking MNetters to help prepare her.

Yes dogs do mature and grow out of the toddler stage but let's face it, they're never going to be the level of a self sufficient teenager, they need constant love and care their entire lives.

And as they get older, they regress back to needing more of our time again, like they did as puppies. When FrangipaniDog was in her prime we could have easily left her at home for 6-8hrs (not that we regularly did, but we could if the need arose) whereas in her last 2 years as she aged we couldn't leave her for more than 2-3hrs again and she could barely make it through night..... we had to start getting up at 6am with her so no more lie ins anymore.