Tips for a reluctant dog owner other than ‘don’t do it’?

[DisorganisedOrganiser]

Apologies for long OP. Trying not to drip feed.

So DH really wants a dog. Backstory is that I knew from when we first got together nearly 20 years ago that he wanted one. I agreed we would. We got a cat first (still have the cat who I adore) and now have two DC age 6 and 8.

I am part time, the kids are old enough and theoretically we could get one now. I have said that when DH is off then he needs to be responsible for the dog.

However, I am under no illusions. I know that it will be me doing the vast majority of the work. I don’t like dogs and I know also it will be harder then having another child.

I don’t find parenting or housekeeping (for want of a better word) easy and I know they having a dog will only make both of those things harder.

I’m not going to veto it. I knew when we met and when we married that one day I would have to get a dog. Looking back now I might have made different decisions but that is for another thread. I would never say he couldn’t get one. To me (just my opinion) it would be like one partner changing their mind on whether to have DC or how many to have. I would view that as an absolute dealbreaker and would never go back on such an arrangement. I don’t think changing your mind on that is acceptable (awful life events excepted).

So the point of my OP...

Any survival tips to get through it? How do I keep my marriage intact and my sanity? I feel he is unrealistic about the amount of work involved but at least I am realistic about how incredibly hard it is going to be.

I would want to get to the stage of liking the dog but am realistic that this may never happen. I would care for the dog, do the walks, the training etc. but am worried I would not love it.

DH and kids want a puppy. On the one hand I think that once the initial horror is done then in a couple of years at least you have a dog that has grown up with the kids and cat already there. Or is a rescue dog better but then what about behavioural problems?

I have suggested a shelter and all those similar ideas and he says he doesn’t want that, he wants to actually have a dog

Just say you won't consider it unless he borrows a dog and don't discuss it any further. If he won't do that then it's pretty unlikely he will be realistic about owning a dog.

Yes I think that is the best plan Dame.

In the meantime I really do appreciate all the comments on here as they have given me lots to look into.

But what you’re saying is that someone, who genuinely does not want to be a parent to a second child, should “force” themselves to do it because they thought - in the abstract and with no experience of the reality - that they would? I can’t see how that’s fair to him, to this putative second child or, indeed, to the first actual child, who’s probably a lot better off for not having a miserable father. The best decisions are made with the benefit of thought and experience and are not based on what you thought or said many years ago. Experience often shows us that what we thought ex ante was wrong; it’s only right that our views change with experience.

If you are determined to fulfill your 'agreement' then all you can do is sit down and thrash out all the practicalities.

Agree on a breed and look at the downsides so you don't get railroaded into a breed that he fancies but isn't practical.

List all the costs and actually total them up. You can get quotes for insurance (I would get a life policy quote from petplan to give you an idea of how much that would be for your chosen breed). Factor in an increase each year for the premium and a couple of under excess visits. If he says go cheaper then show him some threads on costs (I have claimed around £5000 and I have a friend who had a claim in excess of £10000 in an otherwise seemingly healthy dog).

Most vets have plans online which cover vaccinations and worming/flea treatments. Costs can be found again online. So can costs for grooming and training. Look up general costs of feeding per day for specific breed and reasonable quality dog food on allaboutdogfood.co.uk.

Then add an amount for one offs, crate, bed, leads, collars and a nominal amount for other stuff that you may need.

Also look at general costs of buying a dog if you are getting a pedigree. This varies depending on breed but can be significant given you said you are in your overdraft.

List all children's and your activities and ask how this is going to be covered for a minimum of 6 months. Actually come up with a workable plan rather than a 'we will manage'

List training classes and if he says not possible to attend show him the cost of 1-1 trainers who come to your home. Again if he says it's not essential ask him when he is going to train the dog and pencil that into the calendar so he understands he 'will' be doing it.

What holidays do you have coming up where you are going away. Work out what you would do with the dog etc.

Look at the timestable of when he leaves for work and gets home. Show how this is going to have to change e.g. he sorts the puppy out before he leaves and then has to look after it when dinner is being cooked or the children need help. DH and I act as a tag team in the mornings so the dog gets looked after and fed etc whilst the other person gets ready for work so we are up earlier than we needed to be predog.

Everything you say is right Natalia but I’m not sure how to square that with my friend who was sold a lie.

At least insurance is less of an argument. We would absolutely get a pet plan life policy. They have been great with our cat.

I have a good mix here from this thread of actually seriously debating whether I should say no and wreck my marriage or if I say yes then at least some hard facts to look into.

He gets back at 6:30pm earliest on weekdays from work.

He gets back at 6:30pm earliest on weekdays from work.

And then he takes over the dog care including training and walking etc. When the dog gets older he can still walk it, just get a head torch for the dark nights.

Seriously push this back on him. Anyone who wants a dog enough would overcome those issues.

Have you any friends that changed their minds about something, and it was the right thing to do?

People and situations change. 20 years ago you were a different person. You have more information now. (about your husband)

I’m not sure how to square that with my friend who was sold a lie

But it's not a 'lie,' feelings change and it's not a marriage when you are forcing someone to do something they're not happy with.

On a side note, you should both go to training classes with the dog so that you're both singing from the same hymn sheet and can provide the consistency that the dog will need to grow up a well balanced individual.

Training a puppy is pretty much a 24/7 job - it's not just a case of training a sit and stay in the evenings. It's house training, training them not to jump up, not to mouth, to settle down - life skills in other words. It's pretty much unavoidable that you will have to sign up to the training as DH don't be around 24/7.

I’m not sure how to square that with my friend who was sold a lie

She was only lied to if he deliberately told her he wanted two children, knowing from the outset that he only wanted one and planned to tell her only after their first child was born. What’s happened here is that they both said they wanted children. Probably agreed that two sounded like the “right” number. But, in the light of experience, his view has now changed. That’s tough on your friend if, in the light of the same experience, her view is still the same. But they’re both perfectly reasonable views. And I admire him for standing up for his, actually; if I’m blunt, I think it’s rather weak and foolish to doggedly hold a stance (on anything) when the facts have clearly changed. That (in its proper sense of the word) is a bigoted view. And it shouldn’t be the basis of any important decision, especially not one that fundamentally affects the lives of others.

I don’t think I have any friends who changed their minds on fundamental issues like this but of course they wouldn’t necessarily tell me so I may we’ll have.

I would definitely plan to go to the classes with him. Can children go too? Otherwise we would need to sort childcare.

To answer a PP, in-laws would take the dog if we are on holiday etc but they don’t live near enough to help. My parents would no way want a dog in their house but he thinks they would get used to it.

The point someone made upthread about how this will actually be YOUR dog, not his dog, is important. If you are doing all the caring (even if resentfully) the dog will bound up to greet YOU, not him. That will annoy you since you don't like the neediness, and annoy him as the dog goes to you first.

The biggest loser is the poor dog.

You said his parents both recommended to not get a dog. Can you explore that with them? Maybe a dose of reality from an adult perspective could help.

For children at training classes. Would they sit and listen or get bored and run about? The former would be ok and they can get involved, the latter would require childcare.

My parents would no way want a dog in their house but he thinks they would get used to it.

Omg he sounds worse with every update. They don't 'have' to get used to it if they don't want to. Depending on how much they really don't like dogs in their house this might impact how often you see them if you usually visit. It's not 'his way or the highway'.

They have already spoken to him and told him I will end up doing all the work. He doesn’t agree. Tbh it’s not helped by BIL’s dog who is seems to be a really great dog, well behaved and requiring not much work at all so he doesn’t agree with what his parents say. I have an ok relationship with them though so may try again.

Friends of ours got a dog a year ago and say it is harder work than both their children put together but he says they are exaggerating . I am at a loss as to how I could get him to see it if he doesn’t believe it when it is right in front of him.

Visiting my parents is a stressful nightmare for various reasons. We only go twice a year or so do it’s not a huge issue, for now anyway. I think they would be ok with a dog in our house. My mum would hate it but get used to it. My dad would be ok. He grew up on a farm with working dogs and thinks keeping dogs as pets is cruel in most instances. I have to say I agree with him.

Hadn’t thought of the idea that it will think it is my dog. It absolutely will not be my dog, in my head anyway.

Older DC would sit and listen at training classes. Younger DC very unlikely to. I would end up at home with younger DC or managing her at the classes and leaning nothing about the training as I would be too busy.

Didn’t mean to offend anyone about the pets as cruel comment! I don’t mean sensible dog owners who provide lots of exercise and stimulation. I mean when dogs end up bored out of their brains all day with no play and a 10 minute walk round the block only.

Hadn’t thought of the idea that it will think it is my dog. It absolutely will not be my dog, in my head anyway.

It will think it's your dog.

I moved into a house share where the dog owner wasn't managing the basics (sufficient walkies, training classes etc) and I ended up doing a lot of it. 6 months in and the dog couldn't be arsed to get off my bed and say hello when his actual owner came home.

Make it a prerequisite that you choose the breed. Don't get a springer (echoing other posters). Go non-shedding (for this reason a golden retriever would unfortunately be your worst option!)
Miniature schnauzers are quite independent dogs? Border terriers are canny too. Cockerpoos seem to be a good all rounders.

Just on the non shedding point.
Non shedding dogs still shed but instead of it falling to the ground it stays trapped in the coat.

Non shedding coats are often difficult to care for, they need regular brushing right down to the skin, not just through the coat and regular 4 - 6 week trips to the groomer otherwise they mat which is very painful for the dog and puts them at risk of infection

I have 6 dogs, and whilst I love them dearly, I won't have any more once they're gone. I'm the one at home the most and whilst all the dogs are meant to have their own 'owner', they've all bonded to me, so even if everyone else is home, all of them will be on my lap.
This means I get no peace, and no personal space, and whilst it's sometimes nice; other times I hate it as I feel 'all touched out', iykwim.

Again, whilst it was a family decision, most of the care has been left to me, even though I struggle. The bottom line is, if I don't do these things, no one else would.

It has improved this year as I made a stand and said, either the dogs go, or everyone mucks in more. Now the dc clean up the dog mess and walk them and help with bathing, teeth brushing, etc. My dh does the morning feeds and toileting. I do most of the cuddling, playing fetch in the garden and dinner.

We have 5 Chihuahuas, and they love nothing better than sleeping (but it has to be on my lap, preferably). They like walks in nice weather, and we struggle to get them out, even just to go to toilet, if it's raining, windy or really cold. Atm, they're all sunbathing in front of the window and I'm in the kitchen. They were all lined up waiting for me to sit down for their cuddles, but gave up after about 30 mins, as they've realised I'm not sitting down any time soon.

The main reasons for not having any more, are that I'm fed up of the extra dust and mess it creates, and the fact that you're tied to the house, so you can't go out all day or away for the weekend spontaneously, etc, unless you've already organised care for the dogs. This also needs to be added onto the cost of whatever you do. Last time we went away for 2 weeks(8 years ago) we paid about £900 for kennels, so it's not cheap.

6 dogs 😱

Also, I started from a place of loving dogs, having always had them.

I'd wanted dogs since I could talk, but want allowed one until I was a teen and could prove I was old enough to be responsible for them myself. I did this by dog walking for free for 2 older people where I lived. I walked both dogs separately, no matter the weather, every day, twice a day, for 2 years. I also helped them out by brushing, poo picking, etc.

I was then allowed my own as I'd shown I was committed and knew what it really entailed without the fairy tale glamorising you find it books/tv, etc.

Lol, that's my facial expression most of the time, AnotherEmma.

OP, I don't think you say no to your DH forever but now is a stupid time to get the dog it really is - you said it yourself the DCs cannot be left alone and looking after a dog would take away from the still fairly hands on care they need.

To answer your question DCs can come to training, but at their age they will be bored and classes (particularly as your DH needs to go) are in the evening so will potentially disrupt their activities and bedtime routine.

I feel I may be your spiritual double (apart from the wanting cats bit - I simply have no desire to have extra responsibility for anything). Thankfully ddog is not particularly "needy" and if there is anyone he follows around it is DH as he knows that he will get more cuddles from him than me.

However I think we were lucky as DDog was particularly chilled, even as a puppy, and never seemed to require constant attention and also slept through within a night or so, and was fully toilet trained within a week. He is also happy to be left for 4-5 hrs provided exercised in advance. I think we're also lucky as although he's a cross, he's much more retriever in appearance and genuinely doesn't need much grooming and has not had his coat cut yet. Downside is that he is the size of a house as he's a Goldendoodle/red setter mix.

I found having him as a young puppy hard as I hadn't particularly wanted him and found the restrictions - particularly before he had his injections (breeder doesn't believe in immunisations) onerous. I also found walking when he was younger hard as its like having a small baby again and everybody has an opinion on everything that you do and you end up talking to loads of people with dogs, fine if you want to do that, but I work 4 days a week and am an introvert so don't particularly enjoy the extra interactions I'm forced into.

I think you need to say to your DH that you don't want to get a dog, but if you do here are the conditions:

1. Cat is deceased ( don't know what age your cat is apologies if you've said already, but my friends cats are 19 years old and going strong so this could postpone for a very long time indeed)

2. You have enough money to cover all the dog costs, and realistically this means you need to have cleared your overdraft at least.

3. He commits to walking the dog every morning before he goes to work - no matter what time that is - and doing a walk when he gets home. He also does all of the weekend care, including any get ups

4. He researches dog walkers for when they are needed or comes up with another solution for your DCs activities ( as I said earlier, dog ownership would make much, much more sense when DCs are old enough to be a little bit of a help rather than a hindrance and can be left on their own in the house). He also finds funds for the occasions when you have something that means you will be out of the house all day on your days off - or finds someone through borrowmydog.

5. He comes up with holiday care solutions that doesn't involve your DPs - honestly that bit made me mad, so not only is he forcing a dog on you, but also things your poor old DPs should be involved in looking after it. DH tried to do this with mine, until I pointed out that in no world was I leaving an energetic 35kg dog with octogenarians with osteoporosis, and he reluctantly agreed that this was not a sensible idea .

6. He decides how you'll get funds to look after ddog when you go on holiday. We were incredibly lucky - well I say we, it was in fact me who organised it -as our walkmydoggy lady came and stayed at our house when we were away, but regular dog minders will cost £20-30 per night. Ideally if he has something that costs money e.g. health club ownership or other hobby , he could cancel this to fund doggy cover.

7. He takes on all administrative aspects of owning ddog which includes arranging insurance, registering with vet and taking for injections and check ups ( most vets open at the weekend these days) and any coordination of dog care.

I think the most sensible solution is borrowing your BILs dogs for the next few holidays with DH doing the walking as above and being primary carer at the weekends. See how much he still fancies the idea when he sees how much work he'll have to do.