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The doghouse

If you're worried about your pet's health, please speak to a vet or qualified professional.

Original poster

Tips for a reluctant dog owner other than ‘don’t do it’?

419 replies

DisorganisedOrganiser · 21/04/2019 12:09

Apologies for long OP. Trying not to drip feed.

So DH really wants a dog. Backstory is that I knew from when we first got together nearly 20 years ago that he wanted one. I agreed we would. We got a cat first (still have the cat who I adore) and now have two DC age 6 and 8.

I am part time, the kids are old enough and theoretically we could get one now. I have said that when DH is off then he needs to be responsible for the dog.

However, I am under no illusions. I know that it will be me doing the vast majority of the work. I don’t like dogs and I know also it will be harder then having another child.

I don’t find parenting or housekeeping (for want of a better word) easy and I know they having a dog will only make both of those things harder.

I’m not going to veto it. I knew when we met and when we married that one day I would have to get a dog. Looking back now I might have made different decisions but that is for another thread. I would never say he couldn’t get one. To me (just my opinion) it would be like one partner changing their mind on whether to have DC or how many to have. I would view that as an absolute dealbreaker and would never go back on such an arrangement. I don’t think changing your mind on that is acceptable (awful life events excepted).

So the point of my OP...

Any survival tips to get through it? How do I keep my marriage intact and my sanity? I feel he is unrealistic about the amount of work involved but at least I am realistic about how incredibly hard it is going to be.

I would want to get to the stage of liking the dog but am realistic that this may never happen. I would care for the dog, do the walks, the training etc. but am worried I would not love it.

DH and kids want a puppy. On the one hand I think that once the initial horror is done then in a couple of years at least you have a dog that has grown up with the kids and cat already there. Or is a rescue dog better but then what about behavioural problems?

OP posts:
Hazlenutpie · 22/04/2019 17:00

Actually OP, you may find you do love it.

SaveOurSausages · 22/04/2019 17:06

Can't believe this thread is still going Confused OP has had about all the advice there is, lots of challenges about why she mustn't get this dog, and nothing has changed!

Costacoffeeplease · 22/04/2019 17:08

If you cared about the dog you wouldn’t bring it into a situation where one person actively doesn’t want it

hippermiddleton · 22/04/2019 17:26

I have two dogs, one who loves attention (hound), one who's quite happy to do his own thing most of the day (terrier). The problem is, dogs who need attention will try to be good - for treats/training/love of pleasing a human being - but if that's not forthcoming, they'll be naughty purely for the interaction. My fear for you is that you could end up with a dog who senses you're not really interested, and so ups the naughtiness for attention, thus creating a horrible vicious circle for you both.

You sound like a thoughtful person, OP, but there's a real 'hair shirt' tone to your posts. You don't have to have a dog now. Hopefully you and your DH have many years left together in which circumstances will be more appropriate for sharing the dog's commitments.

Personally I would be secretly feeding the cat as many life-extending, anti-ageing drugs as possible. The cat is your friend in this situation...

rookiemere · 22/04/2019 17:32

What happens if you get dog and DH declares his life is now complete and he will have dogs for the rest of his life ( with you conveniently picking up the boring aspects of course)? Cause that's what's going to happen if you don't insist he does some of the care as who wouldn't want a dog that they didn't need to walk, feed take to the vet or train.

Original poster
DisorganisedOrganiser · 22/04/2019 17:37

I fully expect that to happen rookiemere. But eventually in 30 or 40 (depending on pension age then) years time or so he will retire and can do the hard work. Or we will end up splitting up when the kids grow up and again, he can do the work.

It’s until retirement that this would be an issue.

OP posts:
AcidityRegulated · 22/04/2019 17:43

Of course you are just as important as anyone else in the family. That isn't selfish, it's necessary and vital.

But it seems your entire world view is based around being a bit of a martyr. Sad

ReleaseTheBats · 22/04/2019 18:08

Kids’ happiness comes first surely?

I don't think it works like that. Decisions should be made on the basis of everyone's happiness. And in any case, what children really don't need is a stressed, unhappy mother who is fed up looking after a "needy" dog she doesn't want.

PCohle · 22/04/2019 18:10

Are the kids really going to be happy about something you're so obviously fucking miserable about though?

Original poster
DisorganisedOrganiser · 22/04/2019 18:12

FFS I won’t be obviously miserable. I will fake being ok with it.

This is not my decision to make. If DH turns around and says he doesn’t want the dog, fine. If not I have to get one as I have explained repeatedly. I won’t make him say no if he hasn’t decided that for himself. I don’t think we would come back from that.

OP posts:
Costacoffeeplease · 22/04/2019 18:14

You do not have to get one, you’re being ridiculous, you are making a choice here, unless you’re completely under your husband’s control, in which case you should LTB

Zuma76 · 22/04/2019 18:20

I know people who didn’t really want a dog but child or OH did and absolutely love it now. It’s not all doom and gloom. I have 3. It’s dirty smelly and hard work but worth it. I’d look at really small rescue dogs

crochetandshit · 22/04/2019 18:25

You sound ridiculous tbh.
I want to say it kindly because I think you honestly believe agreeing to something 20 years ago is like signing your soul over to the devil, but it's like trying to make a toddler see reason.

This is your life too and you matter.
Your husband sounds like a prick.

PCohle · 22/04/2019 18:30

This is not my decision to make. If DH turns around and says he doesn’t want the dog, fine. If not I have to get one as I have explained repeatedly. I won’t make him say no if he hasn’t decided that for himself. I don’t think we would come back from that.

If your relationship won't come back from saying no to a dog you should leave him anyway because your marriage is beyond all saving. Agreeing to something 20 years ago in entirely different circumstances is not the bloody unbreakable vow and if your DH doesn't see that he is a lunatic.

The only thing going for your marriage in this entire thread is that you seem to share the same mad views on pet related promises.

ohhiyouitsme · 22/04/2019 18:44

This thread 😄.

DH and I used to say that we'd get a dog one day, but now that we've considered the work, costs, and constraints in the context of our family life, we probably won't. I wish more people would think about these things before they get a pet.

rookiemere · 22/04/2019 18:50

Ok well at least borrow BILs dog when they go on holiday ( maybe cat can go to cattery) and see how that works out for you, but make sure DH does the grunt work when he's around. May well change his mind based on the experience.

AFistfulofDolores1 · 22/04/2019 18:53

Do you consider yourself to be a person of your word, OP? From your posts, I'd say that's a given.

But how many times do you need to betray and deny yourself to stick to your principles? And when did you learn that? (Yes, yes, not very 'doghouse'y, but this isn't about the dog, not really.)

AnotherEmma · 22/04/2019 19:04

Clearly you think that refusing to get a dog will be the end of your marriage. But it sounds to me as if your marriage is already over, or it should be.

Your husband seems rather selfish, it sounds as if he's bullying (or at least pressuring) you over the dog issue, and frankly you sound like a martyr who is resigned to your fate.

Reading this thread is like repeating banging your head against a brick wall.

AnotherEmma · 22/04/2019 19:08

*repeatedly

CraftyYankee · 22/04/2019 19:28

Agreed. And when you split up over this misery the poor doggie will have to be rehomed as you won't want it and your DH can't handle it. Sad all the way around.

EvaHarknessRose · 22/04/2019 21:22

My Mum’s dog pukes every time it goes in the car.
My neighbours dog barks the whole time they leave it (they have had it a year).

TailsoftheManyPaws · 22/04/2019 21:58

Hazlenut - OK, I exaggerated a bit. DD walks our dog when pushed, (and still walks the neighbours’ dog at weekends). She just didn’t continue the enthusiastic leaping from bed in the early morning that she was so ardently promising.

Luckily, as she’s my child, I get to tell her what to do. I get the feeling the op somehow isn’t able to do that to her not v d h.

I do most of the daily dog care - but I did want her, as did DH.

w0man · 23/04/2019 00:07

You do come across as very determined not to make having a dog work.

I'm getting the opposite impression.

She seems determined to get one, determined to give her husband what he wants to keep him happy at the expense of her own happiness. She knows she will be taking in all the care and training to make family life easy for her husband, most people wouldn't do this unless they wanted it to work.

She's here asking for help on how to make it work, majority of people are telling her it won't work and she's still going to get one.

If she wanted to make it not work she'd have told her husband it's a no for now.

Kokeshi123 · 23/04/2019 00:32

This thread is insane.

OP, get another cat. For yourself.

And rehome your frightful husband.

w0man · 23/04/2019 00:33

It’s just the reading on here seems to suggest you basically need to be with the dog most of the day. If I am going to leave it for 4 hours or so for after school activities I assume I will need to be with it most of the school day.

Trained older dogs can be left, people are telling you someone needs to be with it most of the day because you're planning on getting a puppy and it won't be able to be left alone for four or five hours several days a week straight away. It needs building up.

For the first few weeks we focussed on toilet training and basic commands, use that neediness if it following you about to teach recall, crate train so when it comes to build up to leaving puppy the crate is her safe happy place, then build up to leaving it alone. Maybe five mins at first, Then 15, Then half an hour, see how it goes. If it struggles with 15 mins then do ten until it's not distressed. It takes time and you'll have to build up to it and it can and often does take a few months, longer for many for puppies to be left alone several days a week for four and five hour chunks.

My dog is two tomorrow and and five hours would be too much for her as a regular thing. Other older dogs can manage it easily. For the weeks/months it's takes to train and get him settled then start leaving alone for a few mins to build up your husband needs to help. Even if it's doing more of the household planning and organising to enable you to focus on the dog. Eg he could plan meals and do an online shop on his lunch break to free up dog training time for you? If he thinks things just work out and it'll be easy then him doing the food shop shouldn't be a big ask. (Although from what you say I'd not be surprised if he doesn't know what shit to buy each week and doesn't give any thought to how the food and arse wipe re stocks itself)

If he starts having to plan and organise this stuff he might just realise what does go on behind the scenes and how much time the mental load and planning and shit takes.