Tips for a reluctant dog owner other than ‘don’t do it’?

[DisorganisedOrganiser]

Apologies for long OP. Trying not to drip feed.

So DH really wants a dog. Backstory is that I knew from when we first got together nearly 20 years ago that he wanted one. I agreed we would. We got a cat first (still have the cat who I adore) and now have two DC age 6 and 8.

I am part time, the kids are old enough and theoretically we could get one now. I have said that when DH is off then he needs to be responsible for the dog.

However, I am under no illusions. I know that it will be me doing the vast majority of the work. I don’t like dogs and I know also it will be harder then having another child.

I don’t find parenting or housekeeping (for want of a better word) easy and I know they having a dog will only make both of those things harder.

I’m not going to veto it. I knew when we met and when we married that one day I would have to get a dog. Looking back now I might have made different decisions but that is for another thread. I would never say he couldn’t get one. To me (just my opinion) it would be like one partner changing their mind on whether to have DC or how many to have. I would view that as an absolute dealbreaker and would never go back on such an arrangement. I don’t think changing your mind on that is acceptable (awful life events excepted).

So the point of my OP...

Any survival tips to get through it? How do I keep my marriage intact and my sanity? I feel he is unrealistic about the amount of work involved but at least I am realistic about how incredibly hard it is going to be.

I would want to get to the stage of liking the dog but am realistic that this may never happen. I would care for the dog, do the walks, the training etc. but am worried I would not love it.

DH and kids want a puppy. On the one hand I think that once the initial horror is done then in a couple of years at least you have a dog that has grown up with the kids and cat already there. Or is a rescue dog better but then what about behavioural problems?

To clarify, we would never expect my parents to look after the dog in their house. It’s whether they would even want the dog in there when we visit them.

In our area / at the school gates / work colleagues etc it seems the common time to get a dog. Both kids in school full time = wife stays part time and family gets dog. Wife looks after dog. Yes I am aware I sound ridiculously middle class but it is absolutely standard. I can think of loads of families who have done this. Many got the dog as soon as second child was out of the baby stage. After kids the next thing is the dog.

Doing something just because everyone else is - not the best way to make life choices.

Well no but it certainly makes it harder to say hi if everyone else does it and manages fine.

To say no, not hi

I don't really get that, tbh. Everyone's lives are different and everyone's likes and dislikes are different. If someone is pressuring you and their reason is "everyone else is doing it," my response would be 1. That is patently untrue and 2. So what? I'm not everyone else.

Don't factor in what the Joneses are doing; they aren't going to be walking the dog are they!

We got our dog at exactly that time OP, it is normal. But usually the person doing the dog looking after doesn't mind.
I also think the standards of dog care on the internet are not the same as in real life where people routinely leave their dogs for the day while they go to work, go out for the evening etc.
I used a dog walker mid day but I also know people who didn't bother at all and their dogs seemed perfectly happy.

DD wanted a dog for years. She demonstrated this by walking the neighbour's dog for 18 months before I said yes.

She kept it up for about a fortnight once we actually had a dog. Luckily I hadn't expected much else.

Is your DH (a) more or (b) less mature committed to the idea than my teenager?

If everyone else was going to jump off a cliff would you follow too? Don’t you think for yourself?

Obviously not jump to my death or serious injury no.

But if the jump wouldn’t cause me serious injury, everyone else doing it was fine and it was of huge benefit to their DH’s and DC’s because there was a family prize at the end (the dog) and I would just be slightly injured and inconvenienced but would have to cope then I would accept that as family life and yes, I would get in line.

I think you’re having us on now, no one can be that stubborn and frankly, ridiculous

A dog will not slightly inconvenience you,it will take over and change your life. Fabulous if that's what you want and you're prepared for it, not so much of you don't want that.

I’m not having anyone on and I am genuinely grateful for advice. I’m stunned that so many people think it is perfectly acceptable to go back on a long-standing agreement. I have clearly been wrong to agree but unfortunately I should have realised that years ago. Thanks for everyone’s time in replying.

Children take over your life, this is just the next step now they are a bit more independent and I accepted this years ago. Your life is not your own once you have a family. I was hoping for ways to make the change more manageable and I think I have that.

I’ll leave this thread now as I don’t want to be accused of trolling when I am not but again, am very grateful.

DD wanted a dog for years. She demonstrated this by walking the neighbour's dog for 18 months before I said yes.

She kept it up for about a fortnight once we actually had a dog. Luckily I hadn't expected much else.

I just don’t get this. ^

My kids wanted a rabbit. I said they could if they looked after it. Two weeks in and interest in caring for the rabbit was wearing off. My kids were made to care for the pet they wanted so badly. We never did a single thing towards caring for that rabbit. Isn’t that what you do?

As for the OP’s husband, he should also be made to care for the dog he wants so much.

I despair. Why are you so determined to sacrifice yourself? What sort of example are you setting for your children? You do realise you are just as important as the other members of your family?

I can’t see anywhere to suggest this is a troll.

Ok, I know I said I was leaving but... I’m really not as important . I think working part time kind of sacrifices a bit of that anyway. Kids’ happiness comes first surely? What am I teaching my kids? Not to be a selfish cow which is what I would be doing if I refused this based solely on my own happiness.

Hazlenut, and what? Some kids are very difficult to make do anything. If they don’t care for the pet you can’t just refuse or the pet dies.

DH can hardly do the caring if he is not physically here can he?

Your life is not your own once you have a family

Kids’ happiness comes first surely?

Do you really think that? What really comes across in your posts and not realated to the dog issue at all is that you seem to believe people don't have the right to change their minds and somehow your life doesn't matter as much as your husband's or your kids'.

No, kids' happiness does not trump everything, not in this house or anyone else I know to be frank. Family life IS about compromise but not one person sacrifising every for the rest of the family.

DH can hardly do the caring if he is not physically here can he?

Exactly,so why does he think it's realistic to get a dog ?

Because it’s my job to do it. That is family life as I see it. If I am at home then I should be working hard at home, hence the dog.

Please note that is my opinion. He has never explicitly said I should do all the work of a dog.

It’s not ok for me to just relax while he is at work now both kids are at school. Upping my hours would be logistically very difficult with the kids and so there is no excuse not to have the dog. It’s totally realistic as long as I do most of it.

Fine OP - I can kind of see what you're saying, seeing as we now have a dog that I did not want.

However I simply cannot understand why you insist on making it as hard as possible by a) refusing to wait until DCs are old enough to participate in caring for it and b) making DH at least responsible for the aspects of dog care that he can do such as early morning walks and all weekend care.

Oh and those DWs with dogs at the gate - they've got them probably because they wanted them. Perhaps they miss the days when their DCs were toddlers and enjoy having a needy dog beside them all day.

Good luck with it all. Whatever happens I would make it very clear to your DH that if he comes home with a dog/puppy without it being 100% agreed, it would have to go straight back to the breeders.

I don’t want to wait as it hangs over my like a dark cloud, the knowledge that we have to get one. At least if we get one I will get the horror of the puppy stage done and then can start moving towards a new normal. The longer I wait, the more freedom I get back the harder it will be to give that up.

It’s the reason I tried for and was lucky to get a smallish age gap between kids. Get it all done at once and the maximum neediness period over with.

Some kids are very difficult to make do anything. If they don’t care for the pet you can’t just refuse or the pet dies.

I’m beyond astonished with this.^ What you do is tell your children they can’t refuse, or the pet dies. What sort of parenting is it where your kids rule what happens? Children need rules and guidelines. You can’t say you can have a pet if you look after it and then not enforce it.

DH can hardly do the caring if he is not physically here can he?. He does it when he is there. Dogs can be walked in the evening, after work. They can be fed before you go to work.

And walked.

You obviously don’t care about your potential dog in the slightest, I pity any dog that ends up with you as it’s primary carer. Hopefully any breeder will see that and refuse to sell you a puppy

How on earth do I not care about the dog? I may not love it but I will show it love and I am fully expecting to walk it, train it, play with it, care for it and spend most of my waking hours looking after it.

I’m hardly going to chain it up outside and ignore it all day.